(no subject)
A bunch of you know from reading my husband's journal, but my grandmother passed away Wednesday afternoon around 1:15, about 30 minutes before I arrived to visit with her. I had just pulled up and parked my car outside Sunrise when my stepdad called to tell me - they had called him. While it's not the kind of news I really wanted to get on the phone, I'm glad he caught me... walking in unaware would have been even more horrible.
I'm ok, all things considered. I was very close to my grandmother, as most people who know me probably knew, so of course it's hard. It wasn't unexpected, but I've found that even if you expect it, it's still hard. I thought I had come to terms with it, but I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I guess maybe you just never can be. Every so often I think about it and I just can't believe that someone who was once so vibrant is just... gone. It leaves me feeling very empty.
I haven't really broken down - I'm not sure if I will or not. My mother is holding up far better than I ever would have dreamed she could, but I'm still the designated adult in my immediate family for the moment. And oddly, I feel very capable of dealing with everything. I'm exhausted of course, but I actually don't feel out of cope.
Because my grandmother is going to be buried with my grandfather at Arlington National Cemetary, there is quite a wait until the funeral. Sadly, there are so many funerals these days that there is a backlog, so to speak. We're just going to do the graveside ceremony, so we got a relatively "quick" date of May 8th. Had we wanted the chapel, it would have been July before they could have done it. So, I think there's going to be a memorial service and reception at her church, and then we go over to Arlington afterwards. On the one hand this delay is agonizing - I just want to get everything done and let life settle. But on the other hand the delay makes things easier on my brother and gives my sister enough time that she'll be in better shape and able to come. If it were Monday she wouldn't be able to and that would devastate her.
Tomorrow morning we're going back to Sunrise to load up the last of Grandma's things. My mother is taking the furniture, so John needs to help my stepdad load things into the truck. Mom and I bagged up most of her clothing to donate on Friday, but I'm thinking of going through it again for things I recognize and seeing if there is enough to make a small quilt or two out of. That's the kind of thing my mom and sister would find very comforting to have, and I think I'd find theraputic to make. I'm very much feeling the need to DO things right now. Fix this, do that, keep moving. It's better than thinking. Sunday my mother wants to go to the funeral home for a family 'viewing'. My grandmother's wishes are for a closed casket, so there will be no wake, but immediate family can go to pay their respects/farewells. I don't feel the need on my own behalf - I said my goodbyes already and as far as I'm concerned that's not my grandmother anymore, really, but I'll go with my mother since she wants me to.
I have some different ideas about life and death now than I did this time last month, maybe even last week.
Believing in the idea of heaven would be very comforting right about now.
I'm ok, all things considered. I was very close to my grandmother, as most people who know me probably knew, so of course it's hard. It wasn't unexpected, but I've found that even if you expect it, it's still hard. I thought I had come to terms with it, but I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I guess maybe you just never can be. Every so often I think about it and I just can't believe that someone who was once so vibrant is just... gone. It leaves me feeling very empty.
I haven't really broken down - I'm not sure if I will or not. My mother is holding up far better than I ever would have dreamed she could, but I'm still the designated adult in my immediate family for the moment. And oddly, I feel very capable of dealing with everything. I'm exhausted of course, but I actually don't feel out of cope.
Because my grandmother is going to be buried with my grandfather at Arlington National Cemetary, there is quite a wait until the funeral. Sadly, there are so many funerals these days that there is a backlog, so to speak. We're just going to do the graveside ceremony, so we got a relatively "quick" date of May 8th. Had we wanted the chapel, it would have been July before they could have done it. So, I think there's going to be a memorial service and reception at her church, and then we go over to Arlington afterwards. On the one hand this delay is agonizing - I just want to get everything done and let life settle. But on the other hand the delay makes things easier on my brother and gives my sister enough time that she'll be in better shape and able to come. If it were Monday she wouldn't be able to and that would devastate her.
Tomorrow morning we're going back to Sunrise to load up the last of Grandma's things. My mother is taking the furniture, so John needs to help my stepdad load things into the truck. Mom and I bagged up most of her clothing to donate on Friday, but I'm thinking of going through it again for things I recognize and seeing if there is enough to make a small quilt or two out of. That's the kind of thing my mom and sister would find very comforting to have, and I think I'd find theraputic to make. I'm very much feeling the need to DO things right now. Fix this, do that, keep moving. It's better than thinking. Sunday my mother wants to go to the funeral home for a family 'viewing'. My grandmother's wishes are for a closed casket, so there will be no wake, but immediate family can go to pay their respects/farewells. I don't feel the need on my own behalf - I said my goodbyes already and as far as I'm concerned that's not my grandmother anymore, really, but I'll go with my mother since she wants me to.
I have some different ideas about life and death now than I did this time last month, maybe even last week.
Believing in the idea of heaven would be very comforting right about now.