Vegas!
So Vegas was fun. Kevin had booked us a suite on the concierge floor of the Venetian and they took our bags and handed us liquor and food the minute we walked in the door. It was crazy fun. They let us check in right away even though it was like 9:00 in the morning and then followed us around asking if we needed anything. Seriously, they offered to run me a bath complete with rose petals and candle light. I think that I could have gotten penis if I had wanted it. Heh. Not to say that I didn’t want penis, but not from the concierge. He wasn’t my type. Oh, and I’m married.
The first day Kevin and I had lots of romantic time in the room, a nice dinner, and Kevin won over $600. I promptly lost $100 and decided that I was DONE with gambling. It just hurt me too much to see money being thrown away when there was so much shopping that could be done with it instead.
We saw a burlesque show that night at the Flamingo and it was amazing. They had the best outfits and great music. When they first threw their bra tops off I was like, “Oh! Boobs! In my face!” I didn’t know where to look because I kind of felt bad for them having to take off their tops for a living and I wondered how they felt. Then I got caught back up in the music and dancing again though and forgot all about the boobs. I actually studied their bodies more than anything. They had amazing bodies and were in little, bitty, skimpy, thongy outfits. I just kept thinking that my stomach looked absolutely nothing like theirs and had a moment of silence for the damage I have done to my body over the years. But then I snapped out of it and really enjoyed the show. When it was over it was after midnight and we had gotten up at 2 a.m. to get ready to go to the airport so we were wiped out. We took a couple of quick pictures in front of the big, gold flamingos for T and headed back to our hotel. Which looked deceptively close but was actually about 857 miles away after we walked it. In sandals. With heels.
The next day was Thursday, my birthday! We had breakfast at Bouchon, which is owned by a famous chef who I have seen several times as a guest judge on Top Chef and other food channel stuff. Kevin was all ready for the $10 buffet, but I really wanted to go there and it was my birthday so I won. I mean, really. How expensive could BREAKFAST be? It had to be cheaper than if we ate there for dinner, right? Um, yeah, An amazing pain au chocolat and SEVENTY DOLLARS later, we were done. It was an amazing breakfast, but still. WRONG. I had the croque madame because I’ve seen Rachael Ray make them a million times and they always looked so good, and Kevin had eggs and bacon. I still don’t see how you get seventy dollars out of that, even with the pastry. So I learned a lesson. I can’t afford to eat at celebrity chef’s restaurants. Got it! Won’t happen again!
Then we went shopping. We scoured the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace, the Grand Canal shops at the Venetian, and the whatever they were called fancy shops at the Palazzo. It was fun. Lots of fun. I pressed my nose up against the window of Jimmy Choo but did not go in because I learned my lesson at breakfast. Plus there was a huge picture in the window of a girl with her spike heeled shoe stuck in her vagina and it scared me.
There were THREE Coach stores and countless others that I had so much fun in. Kevin FORCED me to pick out a new Coach bag for my birthday present. Really, I tried to resist, but it was futile. He is the man. I am the woman. I must obey. (Okay, I almost threw up just typing that. It’s not even funny as a joke. Blech! I’m SO not that kind of girl. It makes me feel less guilty about spending the money so let’s stick with it for now though.) Anyways, I got to try on every bag in the store and practically cover my body with coach products. The one I finally picked is actually black, not red, but it’s amazing.
They also have these new little key fob things with stuff hanging from them and I really loved the breast cancer awareness pink one, but didn’t want to spend the money for it. Kevin actually went back to the store later and gave it to me as a present from Bella. Awwwwwww. He can be so sweet when he wants to be.
Other than the new bag and a new pair of sunglasses, I resisted temptation. The shopping was fun though! I almost bought a sheer, leopard print shirt that I really loved at the time and then I realized that I had the Vegas Fever and would never actually wear a sheer, leopard print shirt, nor should I ever. Whew - that was a close one!
After all the shopping, we took a little “nap” and had drinks and snacks in the concierge lounge instead of a real dinner before heading out to see Andrew Dice Clay. Do you remember him? He was really big in the eighties with his dirty nursery rhymes. He was also the first one thrown off Celebrity Apprentice this season. Anyways, he has always been really dirty and always made fun of fat women, so I was a little concerned. The bar he was playing in only held 60 people so I knew we would be up close. Luckily, Kevin is so big and mean looking that people don’t tend to mess with me too much so I just hoped for the best.
We walked approximately 978 miles to Sugarcane, where he was playing, and were sat about four feet from the stage. I literally could have almost touched him if I wanted to. As it turned out, he is just as mean as ever, but he tormented other members of the audience and not me so it was all good. I hate to admit it, but he was so fucking funny. When he was done with his new stuff, he did all the old dirty nursery rhymes from the 80’s and sadly I remembered them word for word.
After that we had a late dinner where I had the most delicious carrots in the entire world. We gambled for a while, walked the strip which was amazing at night, and just ran around before falling fast asleep.
The next day was thesugarmonster day! We walked thru the hotel with our cell phones trying to find each other and then THERE SHE WAS harassing innocent gondoliers! It was great to get to meet her after all these years. She has the most beautiful skin you have ever seen and is just lovely. Not to mention incredibly funny. Do you know that she has never been to a Sephora??? I know! Crazy! I was wanting to go anyways because well, it’s Sephora, and the Venetian has one that is like 4 times larger than the one here in Dallas. So I dragged here there and introduced her to the best place on earth. We both left with full bags of cosmetics and huge smiles.
Then we had lunch at a restaurant that I can’t pronounce but had been blessed by the pope. Really, Heidi has a picture of it. We photographed everything and looked like total idiot tourists but did not give a shit because it was fun.
For example, here is Heidi eating raw oysters:
She got me to try one, too. My first ever. She was trying to get my horny so she could take advantage of me. Then we shared this dessert:
It was some sort of coffee crème brulee with a piece of dried human skin sticking out of it. Heidi claimed it was raspberry something or other just because it was pink, but I’m sticking with human skin. It was good though. We had a nice long talk that did not involve updating journals or text messaging but real words. Awesome.
Then the day went awry. Very awry. I had sworn off gambling because I suck at it, but Heidi wanted to hit the slots and I’m nothing if not a good sport. So we hit the penny slots. We figured it would still be fun, but wouldn’t break the bank.
We actually started winning quite frequently so it was lots of fun. Even when we realized that our winnings only amounted to a few dollars because we were betting pennies. Gah! Damn those quarter and dollar machines not responding like the penny ones!
Heidi won like $20 bucks on this one-
Then the Margarita Fairy showed up. She was disguised as a cocktail waitress but she would bring us margaritas every time we turned around and we instantly fell in love with her. Just so you know, Heidi is a LUSH and a very bad influence on me. The margaritas seemed so innocent while we were sitting there hitting buttons but before long we were totally drunk.
Wait, let me digress. There was a nasty, nasty man sitting by us and every single fucking time he put a coin in, he won. Really. He hardly ever got to play because his machine was always busy fake-spilling out the coins! We hated him with the hate of a hundred margaritas. Heidi thought we would feel better if we flipped him off, so we did:
And we felt better! At one point, we decided to cash out and move. I don’t remember why exactly, it might have been that I kept spilling my margaritas because my stool was crooked (It WAS!)but I can't be sure. Anyways, this is one of my favorite pictures of Heidi. She was so proud of her voucher for FOUR CENTS! Heh.
So the margarita fairy found us at our new secret slot location (possibly because Heidi was yelling, “Don’t forget about usssssssss!”) and started bringing us tequila shots with little Venetian swords stuck thru the limes. Things really went downhill from there.
At one point I stumbled drunkenly thru the casino desperately trying to find a bathroom before I peed on the floor. I could not find my way back. For some reason I called my friend Tinkerbell back in Texas and asked her how to get back to Heidi. I still don’t know how she did it, but she guided me safely back to first Kevin, and then Heidi. She’s magic, that Tinkerbell. When I got back to Heidi, she was so drunk that she was hitting the slot button with her tongue. Heh.
We realized that we should probably stop drinking and made our way up the 84 elevators to the concierge lounge where there was free food that we thought might help. It did not as the lounge had this weird spinning thing going on and all of my food kept falling off the tiny plates onto the floor. So we left a cheese and crackers trail back to our suite and sobered up there. I knew that Heidi was planning on meeting another friend in an hour and a half and I was not about to let her drive in her current condition. I think I tried on Kevin’s cowboy boots for her which are about a thousand sizes too big for me, and I know that I pulled my gel inserts out of my bra and put them on my head. Wait, that was at the slot machines. She texted mysteriously. She might be with the CIA, I don’t know.
Eventually she sobered up just in time for her to meet her friend and after a 93-mile walk thru the hotel to the parking garage she was gone. I miss her already.
I was still knocked up by the margarita fairy, so Kevin and I spent our last evening ordering room service and spending time alone. It was just what was needed.
After a cab ride to the airport that was scarier than the cab rides in Guatemala City, and a looooong plane trip, we were finally home. I hated for the vacation to be over, but how sad can you really be when you have this to go home to:
I missed that baby girl so much that I still haven’t stopped hugging her. Getting away was nice, but coming back home was even better.
Mwah!