One of those years-long funky funks
Over the last couple of weeks I feel like I've been coming out of a fog. I'm not sure when the fog coalesced around me; it could be as far back as late 2007, around the time I passed my candidacy exams. In the catharsis that came with passing those exams (which I think is the biggest hurdle in grad school; the dissertation is important but I don't worry about it nearly as much as I worried about the exam), I sunk into a funk that seems to have lasted for a couple of years. Then there was the infertility stuff last year, which didn't help. My personality changed (
stinky_monky can back me up on this); I basically withdrew from everything and everyone that was not school related.
That is to be expected with graduate school to a certain extent, but I noticed that my colleagues seem to have more contact with the outside world. It has been two years since I went to the West Coast just to visit people (all of my trips have been research-oriented; any contact with friends and family had to work around that, though my cynical side reminds me that nobody from the West Coast except my mom and stepdad have ever come to visit me). I happened to see a message today from a Facebook friend to my mom congratulating her on my brother's engagement, which I had figured would happen eventually but I haven't been paying much attention (to be fair to my brother for not telling me, I still haven't personally told him about our adoption situation). Two years ago I had a pretty sizable group of friends in Columbus that I interacted with frequently, but now I rarely see friends (I'm not blaming myself entirely for that: some of them moved away, some of them finished grad school and have moved on to other things, and we've cut some out of our lives for personal reasons not related to my funk).
Worst of all, I've been neglecting LiveJournal, only posting entries every week or so.
OK, that may not be the worst of all. Worst of all is that stinky_monky has had to put up with me for so long. I'm sorry about that.
All my life I have told myself to be the strong, independent, unemotional type (going back to when my dad died), so it feels weird to write about this. I never went to see any professionals or anything, so I can't categorize what has been going on. All those "depression hurts" commercials that talk about MAOIs and Thioridazine (whatever those are) seemed to fit, but I don't know. I didn't feel the psychic pain that supposedly comes with extreme depression; I just didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone.
I don't know why the fog is lifting now. Maybe it's the pending arrival of Kidlet. Maybe it's fatigue fatigue. Maybe it's the hundreds of pieces of candy left over from Halloween. Maybe it's because I need to get my ass in gear if I hope to graduate next year and find a real job. I've been a bit more active lately, painting the house (I have finished the hallway upstairs and everything downstairs except the kitchen, now it's time to start on the bedrooms), helping s_m get Kidlet's room ready, learning the ukulele (I know a bunch of chords but haven't figured out how to switch between them without making honking noises that shouldn't come from such an instrument), intentionally spending less time on the couch (whose comfy cushions and a laptop can suck away entire days), and listening to Parry Gripp, whose musical brilliance and silliness make me giggle no matter how miserable the day was ("I Got No iPhone," "The Girl at the Video Game Store," and "Last Train to Awesome Town" are particular favorites).
Whatever the reason, I'm feeling brighter now (if "brighter" makes sense; it probably doesn't but oh well). I'll be on guard for a while, waiting for it to come back. But I know some of the signs to look for. So I am moving on...
(And here is one last parenthetical addition. I use parentheses way too often; it makes my writing look cluttered...)
----------------
Now playing: R.E.M. - Driver 8
via FoxyTunes
stinky_monky can back me up on this); I basically withdrew from everything and everyone that was not school related.
That is to be expected with graduate school to a certain extent, but I noticed that my colleagues seem to have more contact with the outside world. It has been two years since I went to the West Coast just to visit people (all of my trips have been research-oriented; any contact with friends and family had to work around that, though my cynical side reminds me that nobody from the West Coast except my mom and stepdad have ever come to visit me). I happened to see a message today from a Facebook friend to my mom congratulating her on my brother's engagement, which I had figured would happen eventually but I haven't been paying much attention (to be fair to my brother for not telling me, I still haven't personally told him about our adoption situation). Two years ago I had a pretty sizable group of friends in Columbus that I interacted with frequently, but now I rarely see friends (I'm not blaming myself entirely for that: some of them moved away, some of them finished grad school and have moved on to other things, and we've cut some out of our lives for personal reasons not related to my funk).
Worst of all, I've been neglecting LiveJournal, only posting entries every week or so.
OK, that may not be the worst of all. Worst of all is that stinky_monky has had to put up with me for so long. I'm sorry about that.
All my life I have told myself to be the strong, independent, unemotional type (going back to when my dad died), so it feels weird to write about this. I never went to see any professionals or anything, so I can't categorize what has been going on. All those "depression hurts" commercials that talk about MAOIs and Thioridazine (whatever those are) seemed to fit, but I don't know. I didn't feel the psychic pain that supposedly comes with extreme depression; I just didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone.
I don't know why the fog is lifting now. Maybe it's the pending arrival of Kidlet. Maybe it's fatigue fatigue. Maybe it's the hundreds of pieces of candy left over from Halloween. Maybe it's because I need to get my ass in gear if I hope to graduate next year and find a real job. I've been a bit more active lately, painting the house (I have finished the hallway upstairs and everything downstairs except the kitchen, now it's time to start on the bedrooms), helping s_m get Kidlet's room ready, learning the ukulele (I know a bunch of chords but haven't figured out how to switch between them without making honking noises that shouldn't come from such an instrument), intentionally spending less time on the couch (whose comfy cushions and a laptop can suck away entire days), and listening to Parry Gripp, whose musical brilliance and silliness make me giggle no matter how miserable the day was ("I Got No iPhone," "The Girl at the Video Game Store," and "Last Train to Awesome Town" are particular favorites).
Whatever the reason, I'm feeling brighter now (if "brighter" makes sense; it probably doesn't but oh well). I'll be on guard for a while, waiting for it to come back. But I know some of the signs to look for. So I am moving on...
(And here is one last parenthetical addition. I use parentheses way too often; it makes my writing look cluttered...)
----------------
Now playing: R.E.M. - Driver 8
via FoxyTunes