Neverending...
Good God, haven't posted on here in HOW long? And I think that's simply gotta change...
'Kay, worst reason in the world to resort to a journal: I've fucked up big and think SOMEhow, writing it out will fix it. Well.... I think it may... over time.
My biggest worry is that I've HAD my time, God Damn It! Tannis has CRIED at night because of what I did! She's threatened more times that I have fingers to walk away from this relationship! Uhm, hellloooooo!?!?!?! Like fuck! So... what's next?
*shrug* Beat my ego again; admit that I have done horrible things; stop trying to logiticize it and turn it around; just fix it! HOWEVER, this time around, it's not a matter of "just fixing it". THAT has SO not worked it's painful! Next solution:
Make a plan! And stop trying to legitimize the plan with Tannis: she's done MORE than enough to show me what needs to be done. Now, put it together, practice, and get'r'done!
Step 1: A physical reminder. Still looking around for that, but something that I will constantly bump into and think OH yes, DO something to show appreciation for Tannis. Depressing that I need this, but obviously I've got so many distractions that this is necessary. It's like drowning in a river: you have to swim to get out, but you've got water, rocks, trees, anxiety... if yah don't breathe, doesn't really matter now, does it? I've now.... decided on my very beloved Motorola ROKR Bluetooth headset. Everytime I touch it, I will now be reminded I have to DO something at that moment to show appreciation. Obvious one is call her, but honestly here...
Step 2: Options. Top 3 is writing a note, texting a note... and buying something. The last is there as, well, last resort. *thinking...* Ah! There in-lies my worst opponent: overthinking. These options must be something that's "something" but not necessarily SO much.
Step 3: Execution. That one's easiest...
Step 4: Evaluation. THIS IS WHERE I'VE TOTALLY MISSED THE FUCKING BALL!!!!!! See, with any plan there's energy. For energy, there's a tendancy towards laziness. NOW, if you evaluate the plan, YOU, then you get to have validation, a reason to keep working at the plan, so you receive energy back.
NO more needing Tannis' guidance, Tannis' anger, frustration, tears... if they happen, refer to step 4. But no longer needing HER evaluation; no longer needing her to blow up at me to make me feel as though I can write it off as HER problem, as HER anger, as HER frustration. IT'S MINE!!! I OWN THIS ANGER, TEARS, FRUSTRATION, TIME, ENERGY, VOICE... it's now all mine. And no longer will I waste it.
If she decides to stick around and watch this actual transformation, then I'm lucky. Maybe even too lucky... to squander such as gift.... SUCH a gift of passion, compassion, companionship, love, devotion... I mean.... fuck! Like... what the hell!? Did I need a fucking signed invitation to Cluesville? And RSVP? Uh yeah Dave, we're all waitin' here for yah to come on board; we've got cookies! =D
If not... *shakes head...* It'll be even harder... a pit of dispair and disbelief will be my first stop. Anger... frustration... lack of direction and guidance... guilt. Then... and like never before... rebuildling. To have had such a beautiful near-3 years of near perfection of existance and guidance and to not REMEMBER what was sacrificed... never. Once the pit is climbed, and scraped, and toiled to reach above... money.... wealth.... prosperity... drive... ambition... perserverance. And along the way, one day, someone to walk the journey with. That day may come, and if the fates are kind enough to me, it will be Tannis that rejoins me, renewed and accomplished, with a stronger love than ever before.
I can't keep making my ego the reason I want Tannis to stay. I DON'T want Tannis to stay simply because she feels stuck. I want her to have a reason to stay. To SEE progress, to FEEL wanted. But I have to accept that I've had my chances... if I'm given anymore, I'd be lucky.
Somewhere... deep down inside... I keep thinking that marriage, engagement, even being a "couple", means that my work is done. Wise men have said it before: many people confuse the beginning for the end.
Never again will I forget, and like never before will I move forward.
'Kay, worst reason in the world to resort to a journal: I've fucked up big and think SOMEhow, writing it out will fix it. Well.... I think it may... over time.
My biggest worry is that I've HAD my time, God Damn It! Tannis has CRIED at night because of what I did! She's threatened more times that I have fingers to walk away from this relationship! Uhm, hellloooooo!?!?!?! Like fuck! So... what's next?
*shrug* Beat my ego again; admit that I have done horrible things; stop trying to logiticize it and turn it around; just fix it! HOWEVER, this time around, it's not a matter of "just fixing it". THAT has SO not worked it's painful! Next solution:
Make a plan! And stop trying to legitimize the plan with Tannis: she's done MORE than enough to show me what needs to be done. Now, put it together, practice, and get'r'done!
Step 1: A physical reminder. Still looking around for that, but something that I will constantly bump into and think OH yes, DO something to show appreciation for Tannis. Depressing that I need this, but obviously I've got so many distractions that this is necessary. It's like drowning in a river: you have to swim to get out, but you've got water, rocks, trees, anxiety... if yah don't breathe, doesn't really matter now, does it? I've now.... decided on my very beloved Motorola ROKR Bluetooth headset. Everytime I touch it, I will now be reminded I have to DO something at that moment to show appreciation. Obvious one is call her, but honestly here...
Step 2: Options. Top 3 is writing a note, texting a note... and buying something. The last is there as, well, last resort. *thinking...* Ah! There in-lies my worst opponent: overthinking. These options must be something that's "something" but not necessarily SO much.
Step 3: Execution. That one's easiest...
Step 4: Evaluation. THIS IS WHERE I'VE TOTALLY MISSED THE FUCKING BALL!!!!!! See, with any plan there's energy. For energy, there's a tendancy towards laziness. NOW, if you evaluate the plan, YOU, then you get to have validation, a reason to keep working at the plan, so you receive energy back.
NO more needing Tannis' guidance, Tannis' anger, frustration, tears... if they happen, refer to step 4. But no longer needing HER evaluation; no longer needing her to blow up at me to make me feel as though I can write it off as HER problem, as HER anger, as HER frustration. IT'S MINE!!! I OWN THIS ANGER, TEARS, FRUSTRATION, TIME, ENERGY, VOICE... it's now all mine. And no longer will I waste it.
If she decides to stick around and watch this actual transformation, then I'm lucky. Maybe even too lucky... to squander such as gift.... SUCH a gift of passion, compassion, companionship, love, devotion... I mean.... fuck! Like... what the hell!? Did I need a fucking signed invitation to Cluesville? And RSVP? Uh yeah Dave, we're all waitin' here for yah to come on board; we've got cookies! =D
If not... *shakes head...* It'll be even harder... a pit of dispair and disbelief will be my first stop. Anger... frustration... lack of direction and guidance... guilt. Then... and like never before... rebuildling. To have had such a beautiful near-3 years of near perfection of existance and guidance and to not REMEMBER what was sacrificed... never. Once the pit is climbed, and scraped, and toiled to reach above... money.... wealth.... prosperity... drive... ambition... perserverance. And along the way, one day, someone to walk the journey with. That day may come, and if the fates are kind enough to me, it will be Tannis that rejoins me, renewed and accomplished, with a stronger love than ever before.
I can't keep making my ego the reason I want Tannis to stay. I DON'T want Tannis to stay simply because she feels stuck. I want her to have a reason to stay. To SEE progress, to FEEL wanted. But I have to accept that I've had my chances... if I'm given anymore, I'd be lucky.
Somewhere... deep down inside... I keep thinking that marriage, engagement, even being a "couple", means that my work is done. Wise men have said it before: many people confuse the beginning for the end.
Never again will I forget, and like never before will I move forward.