It returns...
I don't deserve the splendor that has been graciously granted me. To whatever powers that be that I have wasted my yet another chance, I'm sorry. My eyes have been so closed to the simplicities of my responsibilities to deserve this gift that I see no reason to try again if this gift is taken from me again.
Tannis deserves so much more... she's been through so much, and a simple thing as never hitting her in anger is beyond me! WHY!? Yes, we were being playful at the time, but in the end... I still hit her arm. At the moment, I thought since she was hitting me first, that I could hit her back, but the reasoning wasn't evident to her. So now, I've endured 4 hours of not being able to touch her... to hold her... to kiss her... to hear her say "I love you"... 4 hours has felt like 4 eternities, and there's no end in sight. As I type, she's taking care of my laundry. I told her repeatedly not to bother, to relax, since it's been a long day and all and she's dehydrated from being out in the heat in fuzzy pants, but she insists on doing it... while angry at me.
This morning, twice, she didn't say "I love you" the second after I said it. I gave a bit of a puppy-dog face each time she did it, and she got the point sorta... but deep down, it tore me up inside. How much have I lost of her...? How much AM I STILL losing of her?
I can't imagine life without her... all I see... is just not wanting to date again unless I can find a girl that just drops in my lap and deserves to be treated poorly. That's it. My empty, pointless days consist much of what it was like before Tannis blessed my life. After work, I'd come home and play computer games until I was too bored to stay awake anymore. Then, on the weekends, I'd have full day marathon gaming until the day was over, I slept, repeat, and go back to work. The friends I have are few and far between... and most of those left I don't deserve either. I've wasted their time, their money, their essence... and for what in return?
We're planning on moving into a bigger apartment just down the hallway at the beginning of next month. And yet again... my finances come into play. Though the paperwork was off last time and I don't think the manager remembered that fact, he stated this morning when he dropped off the new paperwork that on my own, I wouldn't've qualified for the new place. Why's Tannis deserve to have to put up with my inadequacies? I mean... I KNOW of people that make more than me, but yet I'm quite happy to sit around, do my job, and make the fairly good money I do doing it... but do I push to become more? I know there's more to be lived than this...
So why were we out in the heat? To look at a new-er car since mine's not really worth repairing. We had in our minds to get a Jeep; something rugged and fun to drive around in. But in Tannis' anger, we went shopping beyond the place we had intended to go to in the first place. We found this Geo that would have no room in the back for adult passengers, but that had enough horsepower and response that it would be worthwhile to buy at $2500. So after looking at the Jeep too, we made our way home. Once we got home, I couldn't think of doing anything but laying down and contemplating why...
*sigh...* There has to be some way for me to be punished everytime I slip up in my actions that doesn't punish Tannis as well. I dunno... a bad action jar? Some sort of tangible thing that reminds me that it's not okay to forget these things; it's not okay to waste the gifts before you; it's not okay to not change. And in the meantime... just pray that Tannis doesn't leave me and lets me learn from my mistakes... from my short-comings, from her reactions... and that she knows that I can't handle losing her nor feeling this way anymore... that the one I love so much... is losing part of that love back for me...
Tannis deserves so much more... she's been through so much, and a simple thing as never hitting her in anger is beyond me! WHY!? Yes, we were being playful at the time, but in the end... I still hit her arm. At the moment, I thought since she was hitting me first, that I could hit her back, but the reasoning wasn't evident to her. So now, I've endured 4 hours of not being able to touch her... to hold her... to kiss her... to hear her say "I love you"... 4 hours has felt like 4 eternities, and there's no end in sight. As I type, she's taking care of my laundry. I told her repeatedly not to bother, to relax, since it's been a long day and all and she's dehydrated from being out in the heat in fuzzy pants, but she insists on doing it... while angry at me.
This morning, twice, she didn't say "I love you" the second after I said it. I gave a bit of a puppy-dog face each time she did it, and she got the point sorta... but deep down, it tore me up inside. How much have I lost of her...? How much AM I STILL losing of her?
I can't imagine life without her... all I see... is just not wanting to date again unless I can find a girl that just drops in my lap and deserves to be treated poorly. That's it. My empty, pointless days consist much of what it was like before Tannis blessed my life. After work, I'd come home and play computer games until I was too bored to stay awake anymore. Then, on the weekends, I'd have full day marathon gaming until the day was over, I slept, repeat, and go back to work. The friends I have are few and far between... and most of those left I don't deserve either. I've wasted their time, their money, their essence... and for what in return?
We're planning on moving into a bigger apartment just down the hallway at the beginning of next month. And yet again... my finances come into play. Though the paperwork was off last time and I don't think the manager remembered that fact, he stated this morning when he dropped off the new paperwork that on my own, I wouldn't've qualified for the new place. Why's Tannis deserve to have to put up with my inadequacies? I mean... I KNOW of people that make more than me, but yet I'm quite happy to sit around, do my job, and make the fairly good money I do doing it... but do I push to become more? I know there's more to be lived than this...
So why were we out in the heat? To look at a new-er car since mine's not really worth repairing. We had in our minds to get a Jeep; something rugged and fun to drive around in. But in Tannis' anger, we went shopping beyond the place we had intended to go to in the first place. We found this Geo that would have no room in the back for adult passengers, but that had enough horsepower and response that it would be worthwhile to buy at $2500. So after looking at the Jeep too, we made our way home. Once we got home, I couldn't think of doing anything but laying down and contemplating why...
*sigh...* There has to be some way for me to be punished everytime I slip up in my actions that doesn't punish Tannis as well. I dunno... a bad action jar? Some sort of tangible thing that reminds me that it's not okay to forget these things; it's not okay to waste the gifts before you; it's not okay to not change. And in the meantime... just pray that Tannis doesn't leave me and lets me learn from my mistakes... from my short-comings, from her reactions... and that she knows that I can't handle losing her nor feeling this way anymore... that the one I love so much... is losing part of that love back for me...