(no subject)
Things caught up with me today. it didn't start off terribly, with 3 hours of sleep and a lot of espresso, i made it through first period US easily and even second period chem went alright. gym was fine...ran a few laps, scored a 20 for the sit and reach and just kinda talked to allie for the rest of the period. we were just talking about life and such as usual, but she told me i was too hard on myself and negative. and i just totally didn't know what to say. i was just like, "i'm not negative.......okay, I'm pessimistic about certain things." this small bit of our conversation really set something off in my mind. her and cara and everyone apparently think i treat myself really badly... but i really thought i had morals and such...i just don't hold them as standards for myself.
i really think that i may be onto something with this whole moral-analyzing deal... half the things i let just slide by, i would probably tell any good friend to fix.
anyway, somewhere between the gym and the english hallway, i felt suddenly overwhelmed. when cara tried to ask me about faux'07 i couldn't even answer. i saw rebecca and laura near my class, where i usually do before 4th, but didn't stop to say hi. because a) i was going to be late if i stopped walking, and b) neither of them seemed to notice me. it made me think back to yesterday when laura's attitude towards me bothered me so much.... she was wearing a blue dress nearly identical to the one cara and i bought for anna's birthday, only anna's was plaid. i said that her outfit was really cute today and that the dress was reallly familiar. "oh, i got it at free people for my birthday." i said, "i got nearly the same dress for anna, in plaid." with a snarl, in the possibly the rudest voice laura had ever spoken to me in, she said, "you bought a 110 dollar dress for anna?" i said no, it was 45 and in a prettier print. and walked to class.
that whole occurance had really bothered me yesterday as it was. the overwhelming feeling was just not a good mixture with it. 5th period i went to my intern meeting with mrs. sanderson, little and michaela. we spoke about research papers and when i tried to explain mine i just got completely scared or something. i told mrs. sanderson my topic and began to explain how terrible a choice it were - all three of my main books were out of print, one book is messy handwriting and orriginal songs and the other is not really a memoir about my subject by her mother, it's a memoir of her mother by her mother. when she asked what my thesis is i just went blank. i didn't know. mr pagano has hardly put any emphasis on thesis statements and paragraphs... i completely forgot mine. it was such a rushed thing for me and the rest of my class, too, that it didn't seem to really matter for much more than just an assignment that would be checked off or entered as a zero in his grade book.
then we all started talking about mrs sandersons kids and somehow got into the topic of marriage and children. michaela had some idea that it's almost like people need licenses to have kids sometimes, and somehow, again, she brought up the random topic of sex and started to say how she values it so much and has high standards when it comes to the it. and while it was interesting to hear her point of view, it made me think of the whole morals thing and how they don't think i treat myself well. another one of those moments where i was like "fuck, they're right."
during math the next period was when i started flipping out in my head a little bit too much. the plain fact that a messy notebook was piled ontop of my binder with two math dittos on top and a calculator made me go insane. it was almost metaphoric for everything else i was feeling in my head: it was too messy. my english and chem notebooks were getting in the way of my math stuff. just like everything else piling up in my head.
photo was a little bit better... developing film is calming and it's nice to know you're needed when it comes to answering questions about prints and even taking attendance. but when i went upstairs to haacke's for ap after that, i was gone again. the slides came in. i saw my two sheets of them. and they looked really good. it was pretty strange to see the top 32 pieces from the past three years infront of me. but then i began to organize them.. i thought i had a general area of my concentration... but then i didn't. and with all those little 2-inch squares scattered all around me, i began to feel overwhelmed again. so i quietly asked haacke to come over when she was finnished helping erin and whomever else. i worked with them for another five minutes and got really scared again. nothing was making sense with them anymore. it was difficult to link the concentration pieces together and the breadth pieces. which should be the easiest part. i got really frustrated and just turned off the light box so i wouldn't have to see them while i waited for haacke. when i was texting lindsey a minute later, kouttron came over and was just looking at them and asked if they were mine. i said they were and asked him not to touch them because it had taken me a while to get them in the order they were. which it did. it really shouldn't have. but whatever. anyway, he starts moving them around and i'm like what are you doing? out of his own amusment he says "whoops" that just made me flip out. i didn't even know what i was yelling. something about being really stressed over them and that it took forever to get them that way.
haack helped me get them in an order that some-what makes more sense than the other. i put them away in my portfolio and went to band. and basically spent the period bitching to allie about how frazzled i was over everything...nyssma, ap, my english paper, the art show, chem, regents, laura and rebecca, guard captain stuff and another thing that wont be mentioned.
bottom line of all my ranting is that school needs to end soon because i'm not sure how much more of this i can do. i just want to get a 4 on my ap, pass all my regents (65s are okay with me), get a decent SAT grade, pass my math final and do well on my english paper. in a perfect world i would also get guard captain, figure this whole laura/becca thing out, play well at nyssma, win another award at the art show, figure that whole other thing out and go shoe shopping.
i really think that i may be onto something with this whole moral-analyzing deal... half the things i let just slide by, i would probably tell any good friend to fix.
anyway, somewhere between the gym and the english hallway, i felt suddenly overwhelmed. when cara tried to ask me about faux'07 i couldn't even answer. i saw rebecca and laura near my class, where i usually do before 4th, but didn't stop to say hi. because a) i was going to be late if i stopped walking, and b) neither of them seemed to notice me. it made me think back to yesterday when laura's attitude towards me bothered me so much.... she was wearing a blue dress nearly identical to the one cara and i bought for anna's birthday, only anna's was plaid. i said that her outfit was really cute today and that the dress was reallly familiar. "oh, i got it at free people for my birthday." i said, "i got nearly the same dress for anna, in plaid." with a snarl, in the possibly the rudest voice laura had ever spoken to me in, she said, "you bought a 110 dollar dress for anna?" i said no, it was 45 and in a prettier print. and walked to class.
that whole occurance had really bothered me yesterday as it was. the overwhelming feeling was just not a good mixture with it. 5th period i went to my intern meeting with mrs. sanderson, little and michaela. we spoke about research papers and when i tried to explain mine i just got completely scared or something. i told mrs. sanderson my topic and began to explain how terrible a choice it were - all three of my main books were out of print, one book is messy handwriting and orriginal songs and the other is not really a memoir about my subject by her mother, it's a memoir of her mother by her mother. when she asked what my thesis is i just went blank. i didn't know. mr pagano has hardly put any emphasis on thesis statements and paragraphs... i completely forgot mine. it was such a rushed thing for me and the rest of my class, too, that it didn't seem to really matter for much more than just an assignment that would be checked off or entered as a zero in his grade book.
then we all started talking about mrs sandersons kids and somehow got into the topic of marriage and children. michaela had some idea that it's almost like people need licenses to have kids sometimes, and somehow, again, she brought up the random topic of sex and started to say how she values it so much and has high standards when it comes to the it. and while it was interesting to hear her point of view, it made me think of the whole morals thing and how they don't think i treat myself well. another one of those moments where i was like "fuck, they're right."
during math the next period was when i started flipping out in my head a little bit too much. the plain fact that a messy notebook was piled ontop of my binder with two math dittos on top and a calculator made me go insane. it was almost metaphoric for everything else i was feeling in my head: it was too messy. my english and chem notebooks were getting in the way of my math stuff. just like everything else piling up in my head.
photo was a little bit better... developing film is calming and it's nice to know you're needed when it comes to answering questions about prints and even taking attendance. but when i went upstairs to haacke's for ap after that, i was gone again. the slides came in. i saw my two sheets of them. and they looked really good. it was pretty strange to see the top 32 pieces from the past three years infront of me. but then i began to organize them.. i thought i had a general area of my concentration... but then i didn't. and with all those little 2-inch squares scattered all around me, i began to feel overwhelmed again. so i quietly asked haacke to come over when she was finnished helping erin and whomever else. i worked with them for another five minutes and got really scared again. nothing was making sense with them anymore. it was difficult to link the concentration pieces together and the breadth pieces. which should be the easiest part. i got really frustrated and just turned off the light box so i wouldn't have to see them while i waited for haacke. when i was texting lindsey a minute later, kouttron came over and was just looking at them and asked if they were mine. i said they were and asked him not to touch them because it had taken me a while to get them in the order they were. which it did. it really shouldn't have. but whatever. anyway, he starts moving them around and i'm like what are you doing? out of his own amusment he says "whoops" that just made me flip out. i didn't even know what i was yelling. something about being really stressed over them and that it took forever to get them that way.
haack helped me get them in an order that some-what makes more sense than the other. i put them away in my portfolio and went to band. and basically spent the period bitching to allie about how frazzled i was over everything...nyssma, ap, my english paper, the art show, chem, regents, laura and rebecca, guard captain stuff and another thing that wont be mentioned.
bottom line of all my ranting is that school needs to end soon because i'm not sure how much more of this i can do. i just want to get a 4 on my ap, pass all my regents (65s are okay with me), get a decent SAT grade, pass my math final and do well on my english paper. in a perfect world i would also get guard captain, figure this whole laura/becca thing out, play well at nyssma, win another award at the art show, figure that whole other thing out and go shoe shopping.