the longest rant in a while
I never know exactly how to start these…. I have sooo much I want to say and do and somewhere in the middle life happens. I didn’t ask for it to be the way it is… if I had my way id live in an incomprehensible fantasy world where very little made sense. The intricate complexities of this mythical world all came from the miniscule details of my life. Those details. The plague and beauty of my life. Everything I observe… so much the same yet ever-changing so different day to day.
Dyed my hair red today… its pretty awesome. Kinda feel like my mom… oh well I’m gonna own it. That’s kinda my attitude lately. Whatever effect sleep deprivation lack of food as well as incalculable levels of personal anxiety have on me resulted in interesting events. The resulting side effect of this mental condition is raging independence. I can’t stand my “home” it makes me crazy. I want to be here and yet its hell incarnate at the same time. Trying to please everyone has finally proven impossible. I feel very much uprooted. Adrift in time and space. Family is closer to touch yet farther away. Friends are all smiles and babble. The one I want is distant and somehow unreachable. So different than when I left, I broke him down and he’s patched himself together rougher and less innocent. And how am I? Everything is familiar yet forgotten…so many factors to take in when one makes an assumption about a place or events to come. Especially assumptions about people. We always assume that nothing will have changed, that there is no real passage of time in a place we’ve abandoned. At least that’s how it is for me. The world that isn’t right at my fingertips within sight doesn’t exist. Even though I deeply KNOW that its there. It’s just so hard to see what isn’t there. The voice on the phone tells me about things I didn’t see and things I couldn’t understand unless I was there. I cant connect and its hurting me. My violent outbursts of the past few days are a desperate attempt to combine my worlds. They never exist as one but several spheres of existence happening simultaneously. Overlapping but not connected. Anger for me is the manifestation of my perception of reality being radically different than someone else’s, a sphere clash essentially. I finally learned how to express it. I can control it now. Bitch can be unleashed without fear. I always feared the consequences more than I knew. I worried over other people’s perceptions of me and my impact on my environment. Then one day Scott pushed me too far by casually commenting that for all the punk I listened to I was basically a soft poser. Ya well bad idea for him cause i'm stubborn enough to not let him be right, I threw a shoe at him right then. And since then I have dedicated myself to being as honest in my feelings as I can. My natural defense of fake smile smokescreens is failing in life. It can’t work all the time on everyone. Ahhh all those fake smiles all those agreements spoken through clenched teeth. All the actions that didn’t match my thoughts because I was so desperate to belong and fit and fulfill everyone’s expectations. I was so worried about failing everyone else that I neglected my own sanity. Caged it in a box built of half-truths and indecision. But nevermore, I do what I want. The red hair helps. Confidence is the name of the game, fuck being unsure. And I used to look so sweet. I still am but its not just sugar anymore there’s venom to be stumbled upon if it’s deserved. Still hard to call up, but at least it’s there. And to think that so many people will never realize I’m different than I appear…
You never realize what things you think off when you think about someone. Especially someone who is important. Someone you pushed away for whatever reason and now you’re dying to have them back. All the tiny things that make them them. And all those things are what you think of. It is them. But when you’re gone what happens? New things are added to the list, things you weren’t there to share or hear about, and this, my friends, creates distance. An unbearable distance that gaps between you like a dark ocean full of things that you wanted to say or meant to do and never did and all of the alternate realities where things turned out differently. The trick is finding out why you’re in this reality. Back to the gap though, the conversation that sails over it is flippant and shallow, yelling across the gap instead of swimming out into it and braving the depths. Hopefully I’ll get to the point where i'm not afraid to get in the water where i am not scared of what lurks below. I have no ideas the monsters or demons I might awaken if I stick my slender pink foot in the dark water… will it be warm or cold or far too salty with tears to swallow. The initial wave of joy and satisfaction and love and need that washed upon me gave way to that deep dark bay of questions. I like to think i'm brave enough to take anything in the bay but the thought that gets me every time is that I may have created the monster that gets me. So I’ll pace the sand in my mind until i'm ready to run uninhibited into the lapping waves of your mental embrace. For better or worse…. I’m coming Devin just let me remember how to swim… it won’t be long… hold on I have to relearn you to drain the ocean if I can’t find the courage to swim. I’ll try not to be a siren any longer….
Dyed my hair red today… its pretty awesome. Kinda feel like my mom… oh well I’m gonna own it. That’s kinda my attitude lately. Whatever effect sleep deprivation lack of food as well as incalculable levels of personal anxiety have on me resulted in interesting events. The resulting side effect of this mental condition is raging independence. I can’t stand my “home” it makes me crazy. I want to be here and yet its hell incarnate at the same time. Trying to please everyone has finally proven impossible. I feel very much uprooted. Adrift in time and space. Family is closer to touch yet farther away. Friends are all smiles and babble. The one I want is distant and somehow unreachable. So different than when I left, I broke him down and he’s patched himself together rougher and less innocent. And how am I? Everything is familiar yet forgotten…so many factors to take in when one makes an assumption about a place or events to come. Especially assumptions about people. We always assume that nothing will have changed, that there is no real passage of time in a place we’ve abandoned. At least that’s how it is for me. The world that isn’t right at my fingertips within sight doesn’t exist. Even though I deeply KNOW that its there. It’s just so hard to see what isn’t there. The voice on the phone tells me about things I didn’t see and things I couldn’t understand unless I was there. I cant connect and its hurting me. My violent outbursts of the past few days are a desperate attempt to combine my worlds. They never exist as one but several spheres of existence happening simultaneously. Overlapping but not connected. Anger for me is the manifestation of my perception of reality being radically different than someone else’s, a sphere clash essentially. I finally learned how to express it. I can control it now. Bitch can be unleashed without fear. I always feared the consequences more than I knew. I worried over other people’s perceptions of me and my impact on my environment. Then one day Scott pushed me too far by casually commenting that for all the punk I listened to I was basically a soft poser. Ya well bad idea for him cause i'm stubborn enough to not let him be right, I threw a shoe at him right then. And since then I have dedicated myself to being as honest in my feelings as I can. My natural defense of fake smile smokescreens is failing in life. It can’t work all the time on everyone. Ahhh all those fake smiles all those agreements spoken through clenched teeth. All the actions that didn’t match my thoughts because I was so desperate to belong and fit and fulfill everyone’s expectations. I was so worried about failing everyone else that I neglected my own sanity. Caged it in a box built of half-truths and indecision. But nevermore, I do what I want. The red hair helps. Confidence is the name of the game, fuck being unsure. And I used to look so sweet. I still am but its not just sugar anymore there’s venom to be stumbled upon if it’s deserved. Still hard to call up, but at least it’s there. And to think that so many people will never realize I’m different than I appear…
You never realize what things you think off when you think about someone. Especially someone who is important. Someone you pushed away for whatever reason and now you’re dying to have them back. All the tiny things that make them them. And all those things are what you think of. It is them. But when you’re gone what happens? New things are added to the list, things you weren’t there to share or hear about, and this, my friends, creates distance. An unbearable distance that gaps between you like a dark ocean full of things that you wanted to say or meant to do and never did and all of the alternate realities where things turned out differently. The trick is finding out why you’re in this reality. Back to the gap though, the conversation that sails over it is flippant and shallow, yelling across the gap instead of swimming out into it and braving the depths. Hopefully I’ll get to the point where i'm not afraid to get in the water where i am not scared of what lurks below. I have no ideas the monsters or demons I might awaken if I stick my slender pink foot in the dark water… will it be warm or cold or far too salty with tears to swallow. The initial wave of joy and satisfaction and love and need that washed upon me gave way to that deep dark bay of questions. I like to think i'm brave enough to take anything in the bay but the thought that gets me every time is that I may have created the monster that gets me. So I’ll pace the sand in my mind until i'm ready to run uninhibited into the lapping waves of your mental embrace. For better or worse…. I’m coming Devin just let me remember how to swim… it won’t be long… hold on I have to relearn you to drain the ocean if I can’t find the courage to swim. I’ll try not to be a siren any longer….