a letter to josh...
this is long because im complicated, please try to make it make some sense
oh for the love off fucking christ! JOSH! wtf! i wont say im suprised about the other girls but seriously!? how long ago?and i will find out who they are. grrr i hope u got sick inside when u had to look at me! and my car had better not have had anything to do with it or i WILL punch u in the head ....but you kno wat?! thats not what im really pissed about. imean im way pissed but grrrr What really makes me furious is that: EVEN YOU WONT BELIEVE WE COULD SOMEHOW POSSIBLY WORK!!! thats what hurts the most... that the same things i get from my mom and dad and sami and cera! are all the things u just said. How you dont think ur fucking good enough? Who WHO has a right to say ur a loser or a scumbag or a dead end?! i... fuck... i mean ur incredible josh. u dont think so. school and ur mom and fuckin society or watever doesnt think so but who are they! what do they kno? And me- everyone says how im so great, so smart and talented but shit wat is that?! what have i ever done thats so fucking awsome?! Who knows my future is any better than anyone elses? they have no idea whats really in my head... im twisted... some of the shit i think is well fucked,.so why do they think im great? cause i never let them see me!!!, cause i hate judgement more than anything else in the fucking world... not just saying that cause it punk rock or watever judgement critisism and punishment for creativity are the few thingsi cant stand... .
first thing about bieng me is that all that fucking bieng on a pedestal HAS built a shell around me. a thick fucking mental shield. cause i have all this pressure to be everyone elses dream or vision, theres not alot of room for Me. so i cling desperately to those few things that make everyones jaw drop and they say Wtf.... cause thats really me. the music, my clothes, my hair my makeup... im vain because thats the only way i kno to even make people see a fraction of who I am.... me whoever i am....AND I HATE WHO THEY WANT ME TO BE.And god, when im around you i dont feel like i have to be that person shes just someone else and i can be me, but its really hard... all those things i have been told my whole life: polite, quiet,sweet not angry, no yelling, dont talk bac, dont be pushy or fuckin all over other peoples shit... all that stuff is too deep in me for it to be easy to unwind... i mean just writing it makes me nervous like im doing crime- see how fucked that is? but its me? i want so hard to just say
FUCK EVERYONE...
but then i realize its pointles. i cant make people change by hating them so thats why im so nice all the time cause people are just people they do what they do... so thats why i dont get mad and i dont have bitchfits and cry at school or watever i have no emotions i guess cause im lazy and when ur me its just easier to smile all the time and just take whatever comes at you... it may feel like im dying inside but no one would fucking kno, im that good at hiding. cause if people kno they can hurt you they will so if i loook like nothing phazes me they cant hurt me... thats whats so hard about you josh. i cant just ignore you, like i guess you and everyone else wants me to. i feel safe like i dunno. like how u said jesus and antichrist? i guess i just see it more as yin and yang. like somehow theres balance....like ur the peson who could make me happiest as me or the person who could break me. but maybe im wrong and im just believing what i want to believe and none of this makes any sense and youll say it does and nod ur head and smile but inside ur like wtf.... just like me. and u want to kno why im not all like ” hey joshes friends watsup?” cause i feel like im not cool enough... i feel like no matter what i do people can see through me like they kno inside im a preppy confused blonde (yes i am blonde by the way) barbie.. cause thats what i am i guess and i feel like im not fit to be near u for that,like ur hardcore fucking awsome and im just a doll... there for show... im just contradicting mysef. its what i am a contradiction... So thats why i dont run up to u at school or watever cause i feel like ur gonna get mad at me for bieng stupid, and ur never nywhere near me, so whenever i do want to run up to u ur not there. and i kno u prolly dont do it on purpose but it seems like ur sayin ya barbies’ cool but i only have to play when i want to, look at all these other cool toys i can hang out with. and i kno the toy metaphor doesnt make sence but just think about it a little more and it will. bottom line
i love you like air but i always think ur going to push me away cause IM not good enough and i always get nervouse around you because i dont kno what ur gonna do. u are not responsible for me smoking, i have since the 8th grade, u just make me want to more.my favorite colors grey....i want to be held all night, i want u to push my hair off my face and say im not as stupid as i seem, and believe it. i want you to slowly run your hands down my back and then pull me in to you fast. i want u to kiss me where people can see. i wantyou to do anything you want to me and just do it. i just want you. and i do hate u a little for bieng able to just throw me away for other girls but hey weve all just learned im no more special than them so take your pick i guess... and i hope ur not always mad when we hang out cause i would feel like shit, and i kno im boreing so i wouldnt blame you but i just hope its not that way.and last if u want to be free or take a break or watever id rater not cause i think we can fix this but it.. well it s there if u need it... and now u kno more about ME than anyone else...
i love you and i could never just leave you behind... where would I go?
so tell me who u are now, wat do u want?
sorry this is a small book i just dont know how to say wat i need to say, i keep too much inside to get it out fast, this is years of pent up resentments pouring out here... please dont laugh at me im not as emo as this sounds... hopefully u get this by monday
oh for the love off fucking christ! JOSH! wtf! i wont say im suprised about the other girls but seriously!? how long ago?and i will find out who they are. grrr i hope u got sick inside when u had to look at me! and my car had better not have had anything to do with it or i WILL punch u in the head ....but you kno wat?! thats not what im really pissed about. imean im way pissed but grrrr What really makes me furious is that: EVEN YOU WONT BELIEVE WE COULD SOMEHOW POSSIBLY WORK!!! thats what hurts the most... that the same things i get from my mom and dad and sami and cera! are all the things u just said. How you dont think ur fucking good enough? Who WHO has a right to say ur a loser or a scumbag or a dead end?! i... fuck... i mean ur incredible josh. u dont think so. school and ur mom and fuckin society or watever doesnt think so but who are they! what do they kno? And me- everyone says how im so great, so smart and talented but shit wat is that?! what have i ever done thats so fucking awsome?! Who knows my future is any better than anyone elses? they have no idea whats really in my head... im twisted... some of the shit i think is well fucked,.so why do they think im great? cause i never let them see me!!!, cause i hate judgement more than anything else in the fucking world... not just saying that cause it punk rock or watever judgement critisism and punishment for creativity are the few thingsi cant stand... .
first thing about bieng me is that all that fucking bieng on a pedestal HAS built a shell around me. a thick fucking mental shield. cause i have all this pressure to be everyone elses dream or vision, theres not alot of room for Me. so i cling desperately to those few things that make everyones jaw drop and they say Wtf.... cause thats really me. the music, my clothes, my hair my makeup... im vain because thats the only way i kno to even make people see a fraction of who I am.... me whoever i am....AND I HATE WHO THEY WANT ME TO BE.And god, when im around you i dont feel like i have to be that person shes just someone else and i can be me, but its really hard... all those things i have been told my whole life: polite, quiet,sweet not angry, no yelling, dont talk bac, dont be pushy or fuckin all over other peoples shit... all that stuff is too deep in me for it to be easy to unwind... i mean just writing it makes me nervous like im doing crime- see how fucked that is? but its me? i want so hard to just say
FUCK EVERYONE...
but then i realize its pointles. i cant make people change by hating them so thats why im so nice all the time cause people are just people they do what they do... so thats why i dont get mad and i dont have bitchfits and cry at school or watever i have no emotions i guess cause im lazy and when ur me its just easier to smile all the time and just take whatever comes at you... it may feel like im dying inside but no one would fucking kno, im that good at hiding. cause if people kno they can hurt you they will so if i loook like nothing phazes me they cant hurt me... thats whats so hard about you josh. i cant just ignore you, like i guess you and everyone else wants me to. i feel safe like i dunno. like how u said jesus and antichrist? i guess i just see it more as yin and yang. like somehow theres balance....like ur the peson who could make me happiest as me or the person who could break me. but maybe im wrong and im just believing what i want to believe and none of this makes any sense and youll say it does and nod ur head and smile but inside ur like wtf.... just like me. and u want to kno why im not all like ” hey joshes friends watsup?” cause i feel like im not cool enough... i feel like no matter what i do people can see through me like they kno inside im a preppy confused blonde (yes i am blonde by the way) barbie.. cause thats what i am i guess and i feel like im not fit to be near u for that,like ur hardcore fucking awsome and im just a doll... there for show... im just contradicting mysef. its what i am a contradiction... So thats why i dont run up to u at school or watever cause i feel like ur gonna get mad at me for bieng stupid, and ur never nywhere near me, so whenever i do want to run up to u ur not there. and i kno u prolly dont do it on purpose but it seems like ur sayin ya barbies’ cool but i only have to play when i want to, look at all these other cool toys i can hang out with. and i kno the toy metaphor doesnt make sence but just think about it a little more and it will. bottom line
i love you like air but i always think ur going to push me away cause IM not good enough and i always get nervouse around you because i dont kno what ur gonna do. u are not responsible for me smoking, i have since the 8th grade, u just make me want to more.my favorite colors grey....i want to be held all night, i want u to push my hair off my face and say im not as stupid as i seem, and believe it. i want you to slowly run your hands down my back and then pull me in to you fast. i want u to kiss me where people can see. i wantyou to do anything you want to me and just do it. i just want you. and i do hate u a little for bieng able to just throw me away for other girls but hey weve all just learned im no more special than them so take your pick i guess... and i hope ur not always mad when we hang out cause i would feel like shit, and i kno im boreing so i wouldnt blame you but i just hope its not that way.and last if u want to be free or take a break or watever id rater not cause i think we can fix this but it.. well it s there if u need it... and now u kno more about ME than anyone else...
i love you and i could never just leave you behind... where would I go?
so tell me who u are now, wat do u want?
sorry this is a small book i just dont know how to say wat i need to say, i keep too much inside to get it out fast, this is years of pent up resentments pouring out here... please dont laugh at me im not as emo as this sounds... hopefully u get this by monday