Contrite.
Holiday Tuesday in America...
... fire works 'n patriotism...
...... flags 'n old people...
......... chillin' in the aircondition.
My Morning:
I had a dream tonight... it woke me in such a way that Ithought nothing was real... I was terrified by what I had justseen... already it was melting 'n runnin' down the walls of my mind...forgetting more than I was retaining... images in flashes fading fasterthan I can register... suddenly, a flash comes with such force that Ihave no choice but to run with it... I hold it still and let it move...and it reaffirms everything I've been afraid of so far... and allowingthat to drive itself deeper in my nerve...
... I leave the bed at that moment... I open the 'fridge 'n grab a rootbeer... sit down at the computer... listeningto the new song I finished today... prob'ly go into The Room w/Bob 'nlisten to the other song on the stereo speakers... the new album iscomin' along nicely... doin' that at the same time I'm doin' up shitfor TttW... time is moving more quickly than I'm accustomed to... thelife of the married-artist is slow-moving... finding yourself with anabundance of time to do all sorts of projects... doing one majorproject 'n finding time to relax by making other music...... it'sinteresting...
... been readin' a lot of Lovecraft... specificallya collection of stories 'n whatnots on the subject of dreaming, dreams,'n nightmares... as only Lovecraft can sculpt...
... I'm sure that's gotta' have something to do with this dream I just had...
... I'm no stranger to nightmares... I usually have nightmares aboutbeing physically exhausted and sleepy while on the run from a city fullof the living dead... I usually find a building to duck inside 'n chillfor a few minutes... catching my breath and giving my screaming legs 'nachingly blinding pain in my side a much-needed break... but it alwayshappens... they always catch my scent... 'n I've got hands and faceslunging at me... all wanting a piece of me... or maybe more... so Irun... I scramble... I jump... I sprint... and I die...
...whenever I have a nightmare... it usually ends up with my death... withthe zombie dreams I'm always eaten... I try to punch 'n swing withweapons... but the contact is like hitting an extra fluffy pillow orcloud... not the sudden crack that I'm expecting without realizing inthe dreaming... but because I can't feel it... it doesn't do the damagethat I need it to... so I'm easily overtaken and devoured... 'n yet,THAT I feel...
... other nightmares involve people I've known frommy past... people I haven't seen in years... in distorted perceptionsof a hazy recollection... conflicts and bad trips 'n I'm usually leftmore confused than anything...
...... then there are dreams that take me to a whole other reality... it is here that I am truly afraid...
... emotions of the purest extract are shot deep into my veins and amad-rush of panic sweeps my mind just long enough to be veryunpleasant... a world made of the creatures I draw... in a more heavilyinked environment... colour flashing in 'n out too fast to pin-pointanything close to being colour... but I try... Their bodies are thinand coarse... with clawed fingers... too many teeth than you wouldthink a mouth would be able to fit without there being some sort ofmild-discomfort... huge-expressive eyes... and overdramaticpersonalities...... there are some in this world that take oncharacteristics of people I know... both more recent in the grandscheme 'n long-standing relationships appear withgrotesque-creature-like properties... but no pupils... ghost-whiteeyes... like my eyes...
... the way they talk... effin' creepy tohear... some just open their mouth 'n sound comes out in the form of anaudible language that doesn't sound like anything more than gurgledbubbles of ick... but I somehow understand everything...
... thereare signs everywhere... with perfectly spelled... often crudelywritten... words that I cannot read... blocked... I tried to writesomething important down once... I remembered that after waking... so Iwrote it down in a journal I keep... a week or so later... I was backin that world inside my head... and the note I left was exactly in thespot where I had left it... everything I wrote was there... but Icouldn't understand the words that were written down... in perfectEnglish... nothing learned...
... these creatures I share thisreality with are of nothing I have ever seen in anything anyone elsehas ever made visual for others to see... but that can easily beattributed to how vastly different interpretation with natural artisttalent and the ability to properly decipher...
... I found a mirror last month... I didn't look... but I remembered that I found it when I awoke... so I wrote it down......
... I found myself back in the reality of my dream-world... somethinghad the creatures frightened... but none would talk to me... evenapproach me... not even the tall monster with the nice breath... when Ientered his home to collect the mirror, as I intended on looking at myreflection, he simply sat in his chair with his arms folded across hiseyes 'n he rocked back 'n forth muttering something 'n smelling of mintleafs... so I walked up the twisted stairs into a small room with thedoor ajar... five feet to the table next to the mattress on thefloor... lit a candle... pulled the sheet from the mirror... lifted theheavy-old mirror to my face... and staring back at me was Me...
... as if I was gulping for air in an ocean of fear... slamming againstthat mirror and meeting utter desperation... I saw my mind-numbingabundance of no longer being ignorant of realities truths in the faceof myself on the other side of that mirror... staring back at me...with my eyes...
I'm sleepy again.
I know I'll have to lie back down in that bed.
I'll have to close my eyes...
... roll the dice...
......'n see where we go when we're no longer in control.
My Day:
Jennifer is traveling on a plane today...
... I pray that she's okay...
...... chillin' at home it seems...
......... 'n that's just fine by me.
Touch ups/Belated Spring Cleaning on the li'l myspace deal. I don't check those pages very often... but I've got some extra time to build up in four days... might as well.
Not really sure how to describe my current mood...
... trying to hold back the urge to fall asleep...
...... my brain feels fizzled...
......... not enough REM to be awake for this long...
............ so really, I'm continuing the writing of this entry as a means to stay in the waking world. Your eyes, fixatinig on individual groupings of symbols to form a complex understanding of visual intake as the chemicals and electrons flow tirelessly throughout the inside of y'er head, do not mean much to me right now... Right Now... I am writing these words, sitting in a black "Computer Desk Chair" with a missing wheel on one of the six dealies... 'n I'm not sure which one is the booby-trap... so I've gotta' be careful where I lean 'n how I go about doin' it... the space bar squeeks when I relieve presser after using it... it's brief but precise... I'm going to stop using it now.
I'mthirsty...thecigaretteisn'thelping...
...thenaturalmotiontopressthespacebarislikedrummingwithyourfingersandjazzin'itupwithsomebreakbeats...
...thetimingisstilltherebutyou'reholin'y'erselfupquitabit......
...withthenatualrhythmoftyping.
Ihavemanychoicesinwhattodrink...
...butIalwayschoosePepsiorBarq's...
......theanswertothegaininweightquestion...
...It'sTheFourthofJuly...
...mybirthdayisinJuly...
...alwayshasbeenalwayswillbe...
...twentyfour-years-old...
...haven'tdiedyet...goin'strong...
......somedayIwillgrowold...
.........somedayI'llstareDeathintheface...
Themusicjustkickedin...
...thisnewtrackIjustcut...
...notbad...prettytrippy...
...thequalityisgettin'muchbetter...
...mind-enhancerfriendlyencouragementt......
Spaceshuttleislaunchingsoon...
...minutesleft...
......I'mgonna'watchit...
...fillmyheadwithasmuchinformationasitcanstorebeforetheoverload.
_
... fire works 'n patriotism...
...... flags 'n old people...
......... chillin' in the aircondition.
My Morning:
I had a dream tonight... it woke me in such a way that Ithought nothing was real... I was terrified by what I had justseen... already it was melting 'n runnin' down the walls of my mind...forgetting more than I was retaining... images in flashes fading fasterthan I can register... suddenly, a flash comes with such force that Ihave no choice but to run with it... I hold it still and let it move...and it reaffirms everything I've been afraid of so far... and allowingthat to drive itself deeper in my nerve...
... I leave the bed at that moment... I open the 'fridge 'n grab a rootbeer... sit down at the computer... listeningto the new song I finished today... prob'ly go into The Room w/Bob 'nlisten to the other song on the stereo speakers... the new album iscomin' along nicely... doin' that at the same time I'm doin' up shitfor TttW... time is moving more quickly than I'm accustomed to... thelife of the married-artist is slow-moving... finding yourself with anabundance of time to do all sorts of projects... doing one majorproject 'n finding time to relax by making other music...... it'sinteresting...
... been readin' a lot of Lovecraft... specificallya collection of stories 'n whatnots on the subject of dreaming, dreams,'n nightmares... as only Lovecraft can sculpt...
... I'm sure that's gotta' have something to do with this dream I just had...
... I'm no stranger to nightmares... I usually have nightmares aboutbeing physically exhausted and sleepy while on the run from a city fullof the living dead... I usually find a building to duck inside 'n chillfor a few minutes... catching my breath and giving my screaming legs 'nachingly blinding pain in my side a much-needed break... but it alwayshappens... they always catch my scent... 'n I've got hands and faceslunging at me... all wanting a piece of me... or maybe more... so Irun... I scramble... I jump... I sprint... and I die...
...whenever I have a nightmare... it usually ends up with my death... withthe zombie dreams I'm always eaten... I try to punch 'n swing withweapons... but the contact is like hitting an extra fluffy pillow orcloud... not the sudden crack that I'm expecting without realizing inthe dreaming... but because I can't feel it... it doesn't do the damagethat I need it to... so I'm easily overtaken and devoured... 'n yet,THAT I feel...
... other nightmares involve people I've known frommy past... people I haven't seen in years... in distorted perceptionsof a hazy recollection... conflicts and bad trips 'n I'm usually leftmore confused than anything...
...... then there are dreams that take me to a whole other reality... it is here that I am truly afraid...
... emotions of the purest extract are shot deep into my veins and amad-rush of panic sweeps my mind just long enough to be veryunpleasant... a world made of the creatures I draw... in a more heavilyinked environment... colour flashing in 'n out too fast to pin-pointanything close to being colour... but I try... Their bodies are thinand coarse... with clawed fingers... too many teeth than you wouldthink a mouth would be able to fit without there being some sort ofmild-discomfort... huge-expressive eyes... and overdramaticpersonalities...... there are some in this world that take oncharacteristics of people I know... both more recent in the grandscheme 'n long-standing relationships appear withgrotesque-creature-like properties... but no pupils... ghost-whiteeyes... like my eyes...
... the way they talk... effin' creepy tohear... some just open their mouth 'n sound comes out in the form of anaudible language that doesn't sound like anything more than gurgledbubbles of ick... but I somehow understand everything...
... thereare signs everywhere... with perfectly spelled... often crudelywritten... words that I cannot read... blocked... I tried to writesomething important down once... I remembered that after waking... so Iwrote it down in a journal I keep... a week or so later... I was backin that world inside my head... and the note I left was exactly in thespot where I had left it... everything I wrote was there... but Icouldn't understand the words that were written down... in perfectEnglish... nothing learned...
... these creatures I share thisreality with are of nothing I have ever seen in anything anyone elsehas ever made visual for others to see... but that can easily beattributed to how vastly different interpretation with natural artisttalent and the ability to properly decipher...
... I found a mirror last month... I didn't look... but I remembered that I found it when I awoke... so I wrote it down......
... I found myself back in the reality of my dream-world... somethinghad the creatures frightened... but none would talk to me... evenapproach me... not even the tall monster with the nice breath... when Ientered his home to collect the mirror, as I intended on looking at myreflection, he simply sat in his chair with his arms folded across hiseyes 'n he rocked back 'n forth muttering something 'n smelling of mintleafs... so I walked up the twisted stairs into a small room with thedoor ajar... five feet to the table next to the mattress on thefloor... lit a candle... pulled the sheet from the mirror... lifted theheavy-old mirror to my face... and staring back at me was Me...
... as if I was gulping for air in an ocean of fear... slamming againstthat mirror and meeting utter desperation... I saw my mind-numbingabundance of no longer being ignorant of realities truths in the faceof myself on the other side of that mirror... staring back at me...with my eyes...
I'm sleepy again.
I know I'll have to lie back down in that bed.
I'll have to close my eyes...
... roll the dice...
......'n see where we go when we're no longer in control.
My Day:
Jennifer is traveling on a plane today...
... I pray that she's okay...
...... chillin' at home it seems...
......... 'n that's just fine by me.
Touch ups/Belated Spring Cleaning on the li'l myspace deal. I don't check those pages very often... but I've got some extra time to build up in four days... might as well.
Not really sure how to describe my current mood...
... trying to hold back the urge to fall asleep...
...... my brain feels fizzled...
......... not enough REM to be awake for this long...
............ so really, I'm continuing the writing of this entry as a means to stay in the waking world. Your eyes, fixatinig on individual groupings of symbols to form a complex understanding of visual intake as the chemicals and electrons flow tirelessly throughout the inside of y'er head, do not mean much to me right now... Right Now... I am writing these words, sitting in a black "Computer Desk Chair" with a missing wheel on one of the six dealies... 'n I'm not sure which one is the booby-trap... so I've gotta' be careful where I lean 'n how I go about doin' it... the space bar squeeks when I relieve presser after using it... it's brief but precise... I'm going to stop using it now.
I'mthirsty...thecigaretteisn'thelping...
...thenaturalmotiontopressthespacebarislikedrummingwithyourfingersandjazzin'itupwithsomebreakbeats...
...thetimingisstilltherebutyou'reholin'y'erselfupquitabit......
...withthenatualrhythmoftyping.
Ihavemanychoicesinwhattodrink...
...butIalwayschoosePepsiorBarq's...
......theanswertothegaininweightquestion...
...It'sTheFourthofJuly...
...mybirthdayisinJuly...
...alwayshasbeenalwayswillbe...
...twentyfour-years-old...
...haven'tdiedyet...goin'strong...
......somedayIwillgrowold...
.........somedayI'llstareDeathintheface...
Themusicjustkickedin...
...thisnewtrackIjustcut...
...notbad...prettytrippy...
...thequalityisgettin'muchbetter...
...mind-enhancerfriendlyencouragementt......
Spaceshuttleislaunchingsoon...
...minutesleft...
......I'mgonna'watchit...
...fillmyheadwithasmuchinformationasitcanstorebeforetheoverload.
_