uuuughhhh!!!
This past week I actually went 2 days in a row without crying. But yesterday I cried rivers and today that vision I get in my head about our marriage being on a lifeboat at sea completely lost is haunting me. The therapist saying to cease marriage counseling while we work on ourselves is probably in our best interest, but it kills me - it crushes my hopes as I watch that lifeboat drift further and further away out to shark infested waters. Eventually it's just going to go down and be lost forever.
The godawful feelings of helplessness and hopelessness are completely consuming.
I even ran today - I went to the gym and did my workout after a hard day at work - it didn't matter - I came home and sobbed. Then I texted John a little bit and he seemed to get mad at me - for asking if he thought what we are doing is right or helpful - he got defensive accusing me of thinking he has all the answers then he just stopped talking. And I became a sobbing mess. I can't even breathe right now - I'm just too upset. I have these fleeting thoughts of just giving up - running away - becoming a fucking hobo - disappearing - whatever it takes. I told him that this house was dead right now. And it is - and I still hang on to pictures of us together - and I hold on and cry.
This situation has made me lose so much of myself and having this looming is going to make working on myself all the much harder.
And I feel sometimes he's being completely selfish and cold. I try to understand that he has no control over his people-pleasing - but now he's trying to come to terms with it, so he feels if anyone offers any kind of advice (like the therapist and I talking about in-house separation). that he has to not listen because it would be 'giving in'. There's still a part of me that thinks eventually he'll call and say this is all bullshit - lets just be happy together and then this will all be done. But it's not going to happen. I don't know how this will end.
And I am frustrated, alone and upset.