DTBL episode 57: Born to Be Tame
BORN TO BE TAME
The show opens on a long shot of the house. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Captain Hero, his face hidden behind a newspaper, sitting in the game room reading.
Hero: (voice over) Hmm, looks like the Orlando Magic lost again. Good. That Dwight Howard person really pisses me off. Who the hell does he think he is, calling himself Superman? If he's super, then my grandmother is super! Wait. My grandmother IS super. Never mind, then. (He pauses for a moment as he changes focus to another story.) Oh, look. The government is bailing out another bank. That doesn't make any sense. Banks are the ones with all the money! Of course, it's the government who prints the money. I guess the banks have to get it from somewhere. Hmm, speaking of banks, I guess I'd better go write an apology letter to those guys at First National. Though you really can't blame me. They should say on the signs that they're not THAT kind of bank! (He pauses again and checks out another story.) Oh, look, Tanzania just declared war on Uzbekistan again. Isn't it funny how two nations the world apart just can't seem to get along? And isn't it funny how the international news, the financial news, and the sports news are apparently all on the same page of the newspaper?
At that moment, we hear a voice off to the side.
Xandir: (voice) Hey, Captain Hero! Could you help me out a minute?
Hero puts down the newspaper. We see that he has a very thick mustache.
Hero: Sure, Xandir! What is it?
The camera pans over to Xandir to reveal that he has a thick mustache as well.
Xandir: I'm trying to remember the order that the hands go in. Could you help me?
Hero: Sure, Xandir! (He holds up his left hand.) This is the left hand. (He then holds up his right.) And this is-
Xandir: No, I mean, in poker. Now does a straight beat a flush or does a flush beat a straight?
Hero: Flush? Is that what you guys are calling yourselves now?
Xandir: No, no, no!
At that moment, Wooldoor walks in. On his lip is a thick, lustrous stache of porn star dimensions.
Wooldoor: Hey, guys? We've got a problem.
Xandir: What is it, Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: It's Ling-Ling. He doesn't want to wear his fake mustache.
Hero: Well, it's his own fault for not being able to grow one naturally like Xandir and I have!
Wooldoor: Could you come help me with him? He's going to ruin the whole night!
Hero gets up. The three of them exit the room. The camera cuts to Spanky, also sporting a thick porn star stache, holding another fake mustache in his hand and talking to a very disgruntled Ling-Ling.
Spanky: Come on, Ling-Ling, just put it on!
Ling-Ling: No!
Spanky: Ling-Ling, we had a deal. Don't back out on us.
Ling-Ling: Just forget it, okay? (Hero, Xandir, and Wooldoor walk into the room. Spanky turns to them.)
Spanky: Can you guys talk some sense into him? (Hero nods and walks up to Ling-Ling.)
Hero: Now, Ling-Ling, we all agreed on this. Don't you remember? (Ling-Ling, scowling, says nothing.) We agreed that for tonight's poker night, we were all going to be manly men, and wear thick mustaches, and all of us would have on T-shirts that say "Free mustache rides!". Don't you remember?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling remember.
Hero: So then, why don't you want to put on your fake mustache?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling hairy enough already! He not need to be any hairier even if it just on Ling-Ling lip!
Xandir: Ling-Ling, what's the big deal? You're naturally covered in fur anyway. What's a little more?
Wooldoor: You're among friends, Ling-Ling. We won't laugh at you. We promise!
Spanky: Not to your face, at least.
Ling-Ling: Problem not you guys. (He points angrily at Xandir.) Problem him boy toy!
Xandir: Boy toy? Wait. You mean Fernando? What's he got to do with this?
Ling-Ling: If Fernando see Ling-Ling hairy lip, he get ideas... ideas to do things to Ling-Ling that Ling-Ling not okay with.
Xandir: Things like what, exactly?
Ling-Ling: Well...
Spanky: Hold on a second, Ling-Ling. Earmuffs, Wooldoor. Earmuffs.
Wooldoor: Oh, right. (Wooldoor nods and covers his ears with his hands.)
Spanky: Go ahead, Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: Every time Fernando come over, he look at Ling-Ling and think he need waxing. Ling-Ling not want to be waxed! He fine with excess hair! Just little trim around happy place sufficient. (Xandir looks regretful.) He not want Fernando to see Ling-Ling hairy lip and be tempted to give Ling-Ling another wax!
Xandir: Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Ling-Ling. But you don't have to worry about that tonight. Fernando won't be joining us. I promise.
Ling-Ling: Really?
Xandir: Really.
Spanky: (to Wooldoor) Okay, Wooldoor, you can take the earmuffs off now.
Wooldoor: (removing his hands from his ears) Thanks, Spanky!
Xandir: Yeah, he just got this new gerbil-shaped vibrator, and he's going to be spending the whole night sticking it up his ass while he masturbates while thinking about Taylor Lautner eating fudge off Joe Jonas's crotch.
Wooldoor: Oh, wow! (Spanky hangs his head and sighs.)
Ling-Ling: Well... okay. Ling-Ling wear big stache for guys' poker game tonight.
Wooldoor: Yay!
Ling-Ling takes his fake mustache from Spanky, which is just as large and thick as those worn by the others, and applies it to his face.
Ling-Ling: Okay. Ling-Ling ready for poker night!
Spanky: Awesome! Welcome to the club!
Ling-Ling: Thanks, honorable pig demon!
As the guys stand around smiling, Wooldoor lifts Ricky out of his crib and affixes a fake mustache to his lip. The scene fades.
CUE OPENING TITLES
The scene changes to the living room. Clara, Foxxy, and Toot are sitting around watching television. Foxxy is holding the remote.
Announcer: (on TV) And now welcome back to "But I Can't Have Herpes!" on MTV.
Toot: So did you guys hear that they finally caught that guy who was peeping into people's houses?
Clara: Did they? Oh, good.
Foxxy: Yeah. I'm glad they caught him. I was getting scared he'd be coming around here before too long.
Clara: I know. What is with all these perverts on the loose? It seems like we have no privacy at all anymore!
Toot: I know! It's getting to where you don't feel comfortable being naked in your own front yard anymore!
Clara and Foxxy nod and resume watching television. Foxxy clicks the remote.
Announcer: (on TV) And we now return you to Monster Island Idol. Up next is Godzilla singing "Feelings".
As we hear Godzilla roaring to the tune of "Feelings", the mustachioed men of the house, all wearing their T-shirts, walk through the living room carrying boxes. Ling-Ling is holding a box which is so huge it completely blocks view of his entire body except for a small set of feet underneath it.
Hero: Don't mind us, we're just passing through.
Spanky: Just setting things up for tonight.
Wooldoor: These boxes definitely all contain poker stuff and not booze and porn!
Clara: Guys, we really don't care.
Toot: Yeah.
Xandir: Well, good! Cause as you know, poker night is manly men night. That means no girls allowed!
Toot: Oooh! Hold me back!
Clara: Guys, we have no interest in your stupid poker game. Really.
Spanky: Good!
Toot: Unless it's strip poker.
Foxxy: Right.
Toot: And Marty's losing really badly.
Foxxy: Or Hero.
Toot: Right.
Foxxy: Or Denzel.
Toot: Right.
Foxxy: Or Bobby Brown. Or Ray-J. Or that guy from that Beyonce video. Or Wooldoor.
Toot: (slightly confused) Um... right.
Spanky: Well, whatever. We're off to the basement now.
Hero: And don't interrupt us!
Toot: No problem, Hero.
Foxxy: How about if something comes up regarding Ricky? Can I come get you then?
Hero: No need! He'll be with us!
Foxxy: Say what now?
Spanky: Yeah, he's playing in the game with us!
Xandir: He's a guy too, you know.
Wooldoor: We even got him a fake mustache and a onesie offering free mustache rides!
Clara: Just what the heck is a mustache ride anyway?
Toot and Foxxy turn to look at each other. Spanky represses a chuckle. Wooldoor looks at Hero as if to ask if they should tell her. Hero shakes his head. Wooldoor nods.
Xandir: Um... you know those things at the mall where you put in a quarter and ride them?
Clara: The mechanical horse?
Spanky: Right, the whores. Well, they're like that, except they're a giant mustache!
Clara: Oh... okay. That doesn't seem like it would be a very fun thing to ride. Seems like it would be easy to fall off.
Xandir: Sadly, I know all too well that it is.
Hero: Well, we'll see you guys later.
Wooldoor: Yeah. And stay out of the basement!
The guys exit. The girls, rolling their eyes, turn to each other.
Toot: Like we're really THAT interested in whatever crap those idiots are doing down there.
Clara: I know! What do they think makes their little poker game so special?
Foxxy: They think they're so cool cause they're having more fun than us or something? Well, you know what? WE can have fun!
Clara: Hey, yeah!
Toot: That's a good idea, Foxxy! The three of us should totally do something!
Foxxy: I know! Like go to a club!
Toot: Yeah! Or go stabbing hobos under the pier!
Foxxy: Yeah!
Clara: Yeah! Or go to Bible study! (Foxxy and Toot both look at Clara skeptically.) What?
Foxxy: Really, Clara? Bible study?
Clara: What's wrong with Bible study?
Foxxy: The idea was that we were going to go do something fun. Something exciting!
Clara: Well, Bible study is plenty exciting!
Foxxy: To you, maybe. But not for Toot and me.
Clara: Awwww!
Toot: And besides, in case you've forgotten, I'm Jewish.
Clara: That's okay, Toot. We can study the Old Testament!
Toot: Oh gee, thanks!
Foxxy: Look, Clara. We understand that the Bible is important to you. And it's even... dare I say it... fun... for you. But... well... oh, come on, Clara. Don't you ever want to get wild?
Clara: What do you mean?
Foxxy: I mean... just go out, live a little... just get wild and have fun and say damn the consequences!
Toot: Or you could say darn the consequences if you'd like.
Clara: Thank you, Toot.
Foxxy: Clara, maybe you don't know what I'm talking about because it doesn't happen to you, but with Toot and me, well... sometimes we just like to step outside our little world here and do things we wouldn't do on a normal night. And sometimes you might feel like you're acting naughty, but that's part of the fun! You know what I mean. That rush of adrenaline you get from just enjoying life to its fullest? (She pauses and becomes somber.) No... maybe you don't know what I mean.
Clara: Hey! Now that's not fair, Foxxy! I know what it's like to feel the rush! I can get wild just like you two!
Foxxy: I don't believe it.
Clara: I can! What do I have to do to prove it to you? Okay, tell you what. We'll go to Bible study, and then if we have time, we'll go down to the soup kitchen! (Toot and Foxxy look at Clara again.) Hey! This time of night, there's no telling what kind of crazy characters will be hanging out there!
Foxxy: Tell you what. Why don't we go get dressed up and you just let Toot and me lead the way tonight, okay?
Clara: Okay. (Foxxy turns off the TV and puts down the remote. The three girls get up and begin to make their way upstairs.)
Foxxy: (As they walk up.) Oh, and Clara, just so you know, when I say get dressed up, I don't mean that goofy yellow ballgown you wore that time.
Clara: Well, gee, Foxxy, maybe you should have given me this lecture back then!
Foxxy: Point taken.
The girls exit. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on the guys in the basement. The card table is now set up, with the guys all sitting around it. They are all still wearing their mustaches and "Free Mustache Rides" T-shirts. Ricky sits at the table in a high chair with a fake mustache and a onesie saying the same thing.
Spanky (in confessional): So poker night got underway. (He pauses and thinks for a minute.) Actually, you guys were already going to see that when it happens in the show. So... I guess there really wasn't much point in coming in here at all. (He looks at the camera and holds up a hand as if to wave.) See you!
Spanky walks through a door into the main part of the basement where the guys are. He sits down, puts on a visor, and begins to shuffle the cards. The guys sit in the order Spanky, Wooldoor, Xandir, Ling-Ling, Marty, Hero, and Ricky going clockwise.
Spanky: All right, guys. Here's how it's going to be tonight. Standard rules, aces are high, jacks are wild, and the deuces, thanks to those nachos I had, are really, really smelly. (He begins to deal out the cards. The guys all pick up their cards and look at them.) Okay, who wants to start the betting?
Marty: Wait a minute. Betting?
Spanky: Yeah. That's kind of the point of poker.
Marty: Oh.
Hero: What, did you think we were playing just to play? (He laughs.) Oh, Marty, you're so naive. If you had a vagina, you'd be just like Clara!
Spanky: What's the problem, Fitzpatrick? You too wimpy to put down actual money? Tell you what. If you don't want to gamble with us, YOU can play the strip poker variation. True, we usually do that when we play with girls, but... (Spanky breaks off, suddenly lost in thought. He turns to the others.) Actually, you guys, are we totally SURE about Marty? I mean, he says he's a guy, but have any of you actually seen a penis on him?
Marty: Okay, Spanky, that's enough. Look, the only reason I was asking was because I have this uncle who's a gambling addict, and after seeing what happened to him, I'm just really, really apprehensive about betting money. Plus, Toot has my wallet right now. But if it's really so honestly important to you guys, then-
Hero: Actually, Spanky, I think Marty may have something there.
Spanky: (turning to Hero in shock) What? Really?
Hero: I mean... I have a kid now. I'm supporting a family. Now that I think about it, I really need to learn to be more careful with money. I've already switched to buying generic porn instead of the expensive name brand type!
Xandir: Me too. I'm saving up to get my other scrotum pierced and it would really help me not to lose a lot money this week.
Wooldoor: Yeah. And I took a big hit on the ponies this week, so I'm pretty tapped out myself.
Spanky: (irritated) Dear God. Okay, fine. So we're not going to gamble with money. But just to warn you all, playing strip poker without any women present is really, really, REALLY, really gay!
Xandir: Yay!
Marty: Hold on! I'm not taking my clothes off in front of you guys. You'll have to come up with something else.
Wooldoor: Awwww!
Spanky: (thinking for a moment) Mmmm... okay. I think I might have an idea.
Wooldoor: Ooh! I know! Let's gamble with candy! (He suddenly scowls.) No, wait. Let's don't. (He looks around at the others.) Is it okay if I cheat?
Spanky: No, what I was thinking was... instead of putting our money on the line... or even our bodies... we'll risk something even more valuable to us... (He pauses dramatically) ...our souls!
Wooldoor: I'm not taking my socks off!
Spanky: I didn't mean the soles of our feet, Wooldoor. I meant the souls of our minds. Er, I mean... instead of exposing our bodies to each other, we'll expose our inner selves!
Hero: That sounds kinda gross, Spanky.
Spanky: It'll be like strip poker, except if you lose, instead of taking off an article of clothing... you have to tell us a secret about yourself! Something big... something small... it could go either way. It just needs to be something that you hide deep, deep inside yourself. And preferably, something that the rest of us will be able to make fun of you for later.
Xandir: Ooh! That sounds fun!
Hero: Yeah, I could go for that.
Wooldoor: Can my secrets involve how I hate all your ugly faces?
Spanky: (looking at Marty with a direct stare) So what do you say, Marty? You think you can handle THESE stakes? (Marty stares directly back at Spanky.)
Marty: Spanky?
Spanky: Yes?
Marty: (staring down Spanky dramatically) Bring it on, bitch! (Spanky grins.)
Spanky: Okay! (The guys sit back and prepare to play. Spanky picks up his cards and looks at them.) So who wants to start?
Foxxy (in confessional): (dressed up for the club) The girls and I got dressed and headed down to the club. But now that I think about it, you'd find that out soon enough anyway when we showed what happened to us, so there's really no need for me to be here saying all this. (She holds her hand up as if to wave.) So see y'all later!
The scene changes to the exterior of a club. The sign on the club reads "Club Sandwich". The girls walk up to the entrance. Foxxy and Toot have on red and black miniskirts respectively, while Clara wears a tight dark blue dress with strappy sandals.
Foxxy: So here's the place, y'all!
Clara: I don't see why we couldn't just go to Club Foot like we usually do.
Foxxy: Cause we're trying to shake you out of your comfort zone, girl! I mean, Club Foot is nice, but part of the fun of going out is seeing new places.
Clara: I'm just not sure about this neighborhood. It seems kind of dangerous.
Foxxy: Oh, to you, downtown Beverly Hills is dangerous!
Clara: Well, it is! Some of those people don't even put a leash on their shih tzus and they'll try to bite your ankles if you walk past them! (She suddenly puts her hand to her mouth, embarrassed.) Oops. Didn't mean to curse there.
Toot: Oh, geez. Has being in the Drawn Together house taught her NOTHING? (to Foxxy) She's even more naive than when she started!
Clara: Hey! Quit teasing me, okay? You want me to be wild? Okay, I'll be wild. Now why don't we just go in and I'll get started with the wild...ing.
Foxxy: If you say so, Clara.
Clara: I do!
Foxxy and Toot nod, though they are both still somewhat skeptical. The three women approach the door. A large well-muscled man, looking very much like the mall security guard from "The Lemon-AIDS Walk", guards the door. Clara freezes. She turns to the others in panic.
Clara: Oh my God! This club has a bouncer! I forgot all about those guys!
Toot: Right. And...?
Clara: What are we going to do? None of us have fake IDs! (A realization suddenly hits her.) Oh, I know! We'll slip the bouncer a bribe! (She smiles excitedly.) Oh, wow! Now I *am* being wild!
Foxxy: (unamused) Clara, we don't need fake IDs. Or bribes. We're all of legal age.
Clara: Oh. Right.
Foxxy shows the bouncer her ID. He nods and opens the door for her. The camera cuts to the interior of the club, where we see Foxxy walk through the doorway followed by Clara and Toot. Clara's eyes widen.
Clara: Oh, my! (Foxxy and Toot turn to her.) The clientele here does seem to be different from that which we typically find at Club Foot.
Foxxy: Yeah, this place is a little... how they say...
Toot: Sluttier?
Foxxy: I was going for a classier term, but... yeah, pretty much.
Clara: And it's WAY different from what we saw at that first place we went to!
Toot: (slightly irritated) Again... I'm sorry. The last time I was at that particular club, it was called Club House. I didn't realize they'd changed it to Mister Phister!
Clara: But still, it was nice of Fernando, Craig, Alberto, Ernesto, Eduardo, and Matt Lauer to say hello to us.
Toot: Yeah, it was.
Foxxy: Well, let's go up to the bar and get us some drinks. We'll give the place a little look around while we're here.
Clara: Sounds good.
The three ladies walk up to the bar and sit down on some bar stools. Toot turns to the bartender.
Toot: Hey, barkeep! Bring us three screwdrivers and leave the bottle! But not virgin screwdrivers. I want really, really extra slutty ones!
Bartender: Anything you say, Toot! (Foxxy looks at Toot with confusion.)
Foxxy: You've been to this place before?
Toot: No. Bartenders just tend to know me by reputation. (Foxxy nods.)
Clara: Guys... something's going on. There's three guys in the corner over there... I think they're looking at us.
Foxxy: (smiling) Ah, yeah. I might have expected that.
Toot: (to Foxxy) So what's the policy on talking to guys tonight? I mean, obviously we're not going to hook up with any of them.
Foxxy: Well, yeah, obviously, being three married women.
Clara: (sarcastically) Why not? Is that not something you do when you're being... "wild"?
Foxxy: Clara, cheating on your husband isn't being wild. It's being a whore.
Clara: But I thought you guys were-
Foxxy: Not that kind!
Clara: Right.
Toot: And who are you kidding, Clara? You'd never hook up with a guy even if you weren't married!
Clara: I would too! (Toot and Foxxy both look at her.) I mean, not right away. But after ten or twenty... or fifty dates, I might! (She pauses for a moment and looks at the other two questioningly.) Is it safe to assume we're at least engaged at this point?
Foxxy: Uh huh. That's what I thought.
Clara: Hey! Now come on, give me a break, you two! I'm trying my best to keep up with you guys tonight, and as much as you've teased me, I think I've done a pretty good job so far!
Foxxy: (acquiescing) All right. Maybe you have.
Toot: (tapping Foxxy on the shoulder) Foxxy? Look out. Those guys are walking up to us.
Foxxy: Right. (As Foxxy and Toot prepare to be approached, Clara sits, slightly irritated. The men walk up to the girls.)
First man: Well, well, well! What have we here? Looks we got us a couple of Oreo cookies! (He smiles at Foxxy.) We got some sweet, sweet chocolate right here... (He turns to Clara.) And over here we got the vanilla! (Clara gets an offended look on her face.)
Second man: (looking at Toot) And this one looks like she's got the best of both worlds!
First man: That's right!
Toot: (blushing) Oh... you guys!
Foxxy: Listen, you guys, we's very flattered that you find us attractive, but we ain't looking to hook up with anybody tonight. All of us is married.
First man: (raising his eyebrows) To each other? Damn! (He grins.) Now that's something I'd like to get in on!
Toot: No, not to each other, you dweebs! She means we all have husbands at home.
Second man: Well... it seems to me that if you ladies were so concerned about your husbands, you wouldn't have come here without them, now, would you?
Foxxy: Seriously, you all. We's flattered that you like us, but we're going to have to reject your offer. Sorry.
First man: Well, can we at least buy you a drink?
Toot: Ooh!
Foxxy: Toot, no.
Toot: Awwww!
Foxxy: (turning back to the first man) But just for the record, if I wasn't currently with the man I love, I'd be all over you like-
Clara: Foxxy!
Foxxy: Yes, Clara?
Clara: Foxxy, are you sure you should be encouraging him?
Foxxy: You're right, Clara.
Clara: I mean, if he thinks that all he has to do to have sex with you is for you to be single again, he may go out and try to kill your husband!
First man: (backing off) Okay... okay. I get the message. Sorry to have bothered you girls.
Foxxy: It's okay, really. Clara didn't mean to be so drastic.
Clara: Yes, I did.
First man: Really, just forget it, okay? I mean... you girls are attractive, but not THAT attractive!
Foxxy: Say what? We ain't attractive?
First man: No, you ARE attractive! Just not husband-killing attractive!
Foxxy: (angry) Mmm hmmm.
First man: No, no... look. What I mean is-
Clara: Okay, that's enough, you guys. I think you'd better leave us alone now.
First man: Okay. We were just leaving! (The three men turn around and begin to walk away. The first man mutters something under his breath. The women catch it.)
Foxxy: Hey! What was that y'all muttered under your breath just now?
First man: Never mind. It's not important! (The three walk away.)
Third man: Hey, how come I haven't gotten to say anything yet?
Second man: Shut up, Barry.
Clara: I'm not going to let that guy talk about us like that! I'm going to go teach that guy a lesson!
Foxxy: Oh, Clara, would you stop? We don't even know what he said!
Clara: I don't need to! (Clara hops off her seat and briskly walks over to the men. Toot and Foxxy, anticipating trouble, get up and follow her.)
Toot: Clara, stop! They weren't really being THAT bad!
Clara: I don't care! (She looks at Foxxy and Toot.) You guys told me I was too tame, right? That I was too vanilla. Well, I'll show you just how... (She thinks for a moment.) Oh, I can't think of the word. But I'll show you just how whatever the opposite of vanilla is I am! (Clara turns around and continues walking.)
Foxxy: Clara, please don't start anything!
Foxxy's words are unheeded. Clara walks up to the men, who are facing away from her. She taps the first man on the shoulder. He turns around.
First man: Yes?
With a look of fire in her eyes, Clara draws back and kicks the man as hard as she can in the shin. He grabs his shin in pain. A look of panic quickly crosses Clara's face. She looks down at her foot. She quickly breathes a sigh of relief.
Clara: Whew! Oh, good. The toenail polish is still intact.
First man: (clutching his shin) Ow! What the hell was that for?
Clara: Serves you right, you jerk!
At that moment, the bouncer approaches the group. An extremely irritated look is on his face.
Foxxy: Oh, lordy! Oh, you've really done it now, Clara! You've gone and gotten the bouncer involved!
Clara: So? That's good! He can kick these jerks out of the club now!
First man: Why would he kick US out? You're the one who attacked us!
Clara: Oh, get real! In situations like this, they never throw the GIRLS out!
Cut to the three girls standing on the sidewalk. Foxxy and Toot are glaring at Clara.
Clara: Oh, like it's my fault that bouncer was a stupid misogynist jerk!
Toot: Goddammit, Clara! You still don't get it, do you?
Clara: Get what?
Foxxy: Clara, while we give you an A for effort, you still don't have any idea what being wild is truly all about. All you's doing is acting stupid and getting us in trouble!
Toot: Yeah!
Clara: And that's not wild?
Foxxy: Well... it's KIND OF wild. But it's... well, you're still missing the point.
Clara: I guess I am, Foxxy.
Toot: Let's just go back to our car, you guys. Then we can go to another place. I mean, the night is still young. There's still plenty of time for us to have fun.
Foxxy: Yeah!
Toot: Hell, maybe we should go back to Mister Phister! The drinks are really good there and we sure as hell won't have to worry about any guys coming on to us!
Foxxy: Yeah, sure, why not? (She turns to Clara.) Now you see, Clara? Three straight women going to a club populated by gay men? Now THAT is being wild.
Clara: What about a drug deal going down on the street? Is that being wild?
Foxxy: Drug deal? What are you talking about?
Clara: (pointing across the street) Over there. Look!
The girls turn and look where Clara is pointing. We see a man take out a huge pile of cash and hand it to another man in exchange for an unmarked box. The first man takes the box and looks around surreptitiously for a moment before dashing off. The dealer stands and begins to count his money.
Foxxy: Wow, you're right, Clara! How'd you know that was a drug deal going on?
Clara: I recognize that guy counting his money. He used to live in Morningwood, but he was kicked out of the country for dealing cocaine and marshmallow Peeps! (Foxxy and Toot look at Clara in confusion.) Yeah, those are illegal in Morningwood. I never quite got the reasoning on that.
Toot: Well, if you know the guy, Clara, why don't you go over and say hello to him?
Clara: (becoming excited) Ooh! Striking up a conversation with a dangerous criminal? That WOULD be kind of wild, wouldn't it? Good idea, Toot. I'll go do it!
Toot: Clara, I was being sarcastic.
Clara: I don't care! I'll do it anyway! (With a skip in her step, Clara turns and quickly crosses the street and walks up to the dealer. Foxxy sighs.)
Foxxy: Goddammit, Clara.
Foxxy and Toot hurry across the street after Clara, who is now standing in front of the dealer.
Clara: Yoohoo! Hello, Mr. Dealer! Remember me?
Dealer: (not understanding what is going on) What the hell is this? You some kinda narc?
Clara: Narc? Oh, don't be silly! I'm Princess Clara! (The dealer doesn't understand.) From Morningwood! Remember?
Dealer: Oh, right! Princess Clara!
Clara: Yes!
Dealer: I remember you. Your father kicked my ass of the country!
Clara: Yes, well... Daddy can be a bit harsh sometimes. But I hope that made you learn your lesson!
Dealer: (His tone begins to become slightly menacing.) You know... when your dad kicked me out, I was real mad at him. I swore that one day I would get revenge on him any way it took. Even if it came down to... (He pulls a gun out of his pocket. Foxxy and Toot, now standing next to Clara, freeze in terror)... committing murder! (Clara's jaw drops.)
Clara: Oh, my!
Dealer: You see, what I was planning to do was kill HIM. I figured that would serve the old bastard right. But now that I think about it... (He cocks the gun at Clara)... if it was his precious little girl that took a bullet instead, why... the old man would just be heartbroken. And you know... that might be the best revenge I could get on that old coot!
Clara: (nervously) He doesn't really love me THAT much...
Dealer: (pointing the gun menacingly at Clara) Oh, I think he does.
Clara: (thinking quickly) Yes, well... there's something you've forgotten, Mr. Dealer, sir.
Dealer: What's that?
Clara: (Clara takes a deep breath and quickly does the sign of the cross.) These!
With that, Clara pulls down the front of her dress just slightly. The dealer's eyes immediately go to Clara's semi-exposed bosom. With the man momentarily distracted, Clara takes the opportunity to kick the man very hard in the groin. He goes down like a boxer taking a dive. The three women seize the opportunity to run away. Right as she breaks into a run, Clara takes a quick moment to pull her dress back up.
Foxxy: (as they are running) Good thinking, Clara!
Toot: Yeah! It almost makes up for how dumb it was getting us into that mess in the first place!
Clara: Oh, would you two shut up? I was just doing what I had to do.
Foxxy: I just hope that guy doesn't get up real quick or he might come after us!
Toot: I wouldn't worry about that. Looked like he was down pretty good.
Foxxy: Still, though, I think we need to get some help on this one just in case.
Clara: (Clara stops and points across the street again. Foxxy and Toot stop and look in the direction Clara is pointing.) Oh, look, you guys! It's a cop! Let's go tell him about that guy so maybe he can go arrest him.
Toot: Yeah... and maybe give us an escort out of this hellhole part of town!
The three women cross the street and walk up to the cop.
Clara: Oh, yoohoo! Mr. Police Officer! Can we talk to you for a moment?
The officer looks at the women. A look of curiosity crosses his face as he notes the way they are dressed.
Officer: Yes? How can I help you ladies?
Clara: I kind of hate to mention this because it's a bit embarrassing, but... I just had to kick a guy in the testicles, and while he's down, I think you should go arrest him.
Officer: Why?
Clara: Oh, he's a drug dealer!
Officer: He is?
Clara: Yeah! You see, I was just going over to say hi to him because... well... let's just say we used to inhabit the same domain.
Officer: (raising his brows) Oh, did you, now?
Clara: Yes, well, anyway... he wasn't too happy to see me, and well... long story short, I showed him my boobs and everything turned out okay. (Foxxy puts her hand to her forehead and shakes her head in disbelief. Toot merely sighs.) But he's a very dangerous man and you still need to go arrest him to make sure he doesn't come after us again!
Officer: I see.
Foxxy: Look, officer, don't mind Clara, okay? She's just acting kinda airheaded right now cause this is her first night being "wild". If you know what I mean.
Officer: I think maybe I do.
Clara: Yeah... Foxxy is right. I guess I'm just new to this whole business and I don't really know to act.
Officer: And... what business would that be, ma'am?
Clara: Oh, you know! Getting dressed up in sexy clothes and putting on makeup and going out to all these public places where strange guys try to proposition you!
Foxxy puts her hand to her eyes and hangs her head. Toot just glares in frustration.
Officer: Right. Well, thank you very much for that information, miss. Now let me tell YOU something about how this so-called "business" works. Now, your girlfriends may have failed to mention this to you, but prostitution is actually an illegal activity. Now, normally, I would go ahead and run you ladies in, but... (he looks at Clara)... since you clearly have no aptitude or skill for this sort of thing, I find it hard to believe that you've ever performed an actual whoring act of any sort!
Foxxy: Thank you, officer. Clara, let's go.
Clara: Hey! I could be a whore! (Foxxy sighs yet again.)
Officer: No, you couldn't. You don't have it in you.
Clara steps back and looks up at the cop. Her voice takes on a very direct, matter of fact tone.
Clara: Give me $500 and I will have sex with you right now.
The officer nods his head. The camera immediately cuts to Clara, Foxxy, and Toot in a jail cell. Foxxy and Toot are looking at Clara in an extremely irritated fashion.
Clara: Oh, like it's MY fault he couldn't tell I was kidding!
As Foxxy and Toot sigh in exasperation, the scene fades.
(Continue to Part 2.)