DTBL episode 56: Hot Threeway Action
(Read Part 1.)
After a moment, another black title card appears.
CHAPTER 3
THE SOCKS THAT ROCK THE CRADLE
The scene opens on a long shot of the house, but from a different angle from before. The scene changes to the interior, where we see Foxxy getting ready for her date. In the distance, we see Hero in the bathroom preparing himself as well.
Foxxy (in confessional): Hero and I was vurry excited about Valentine's Day. Not only was it going to be the first time we'd had sex since the baby was born... (She stops for a moment, unsure where to go next.) Well... it was going to be the first time we'd had sex since the baby was born. And we was both vurry excited about it.
We see Foxxy looking in the mirror making some slight adjustments to her hair. She is wearing a very fancy evening gown. Hero enters dressed in a stylish blue suit.
Hero: You ready, Foxxy?
Foxxy: You bet! (She finishes straightening up and turns to Hero.) How do I look?
Hero: Is it okay if I answer in terms of what your hotness makes me want to do to you?
Foxxy: Are we talking stuff that's illegal in most states?
Hero: MOST states? Ha! (Foxxy smiles.)
Foxxy: Thanks, Hero.
Hero: Don't mention it! So you ready to go?
Foxxy: I think so.
Hero: You think?
Foxxy: Yeah, I'm ready. I'm sure he'll be okay.
Hero: He? (Foxxy looks down.) Foxxy, you're not worried about leaving our child alone, are you?
Foxxy: Of course not, Hero! He won't be alone. He'll be with your parents. They'll do a great job looking after him!
Hero: They will. They're wonderful with kids. Failed abortion and trying to shoot the fetus into the sun aside. (Foxxy smiles. She looks down.) Foxxy, if you're worried about this, we don't have to leave him. We can do it another night. (Foxxy thinks for a moment.)
Foxxy: No, Hero. No. Even if we put tonight off, we'd have to leave him in the custody of another at some point. No... we need to go ahead and keep our plans for tonight. The sooner I get accustomed to the idea of leaving him in someone else's care, the better.
Hero: I think you're right.
Foxxy: Well, okay, then! Let's get Ricky and go drop him off at your parents' place.
Hero: Sure thing! (He pulls out his cell phone.) I'll just give them a quick call to let them know we're on our way! (He places the call.) Ima? This is your son. Foxxy and I are on our way over with Ricky right now. Is that okay? (He pauses. A look of concern crosses his face.) What? What do you mean you won't be able to watch him? You promised! (Foxxy starts to get an angry look on her face.) No, it's okay. I understand. I hope he's okay. Bye bye, Ima. (Hero hangs up. He sighs and looks at Foxxy.)
Foxxy: Don't tell me.
Hero: Okay! (Hero puts the phone away and walks back into the bathroom. He begins fiddling with the collar of his shirt. Foxxy sighs in exasperation.)
Foxxy: Hero, get back in here! (Hero returns to the bedroom.) Hero, what happened?
Hero: It doesn't look like my parents are going to be able to watch little Ricky.
Foxxy: I gathered that much.
Hero: Pop-pop threw his back out having sex.
Foxxy: Having sex?
Hero: Yeah, apparently old people still have sex! Who'da thought, huh? But anyway, they're at the emergency room now. She said he's doing fine, he'll just be laid up for a bit. But long story short-
Foxxy: They're not going to be able to watch Ricky.
Hero: No.
Foxxy: Well, this is just great.
Hero: What's the problem, Foxxy? Can't we just leave him with your parents?
Foxxy: My parents already have other plans, Hero! They're out celebrating Valentine's Day like everybody else! I was really counting on your parents, hoping that due to them being from planet Zebulon that they wouldn't be into Earth customs like Valentine's Day.
Hero: So I guess that's it, then.
Foxxy: I guess so. (Hero sighs and sits down on the bed. Foxxy sits down next to him and puts her hand on his leg.) I'm sorry, Hero. I really wanted this to happen tonight.
Hero: Yeah, me too. But what can you do?
At that moment, there is a knock at the door.
Wooldoor: (outside the door) Can I come in?
Foxxy: Sure, Wooldoor, come on in.
The door opens. Wooldoor enters and walks up to Hero and Foxxy.
Wooldoor: I was just passing by and I couldn't help overhearing about the predicament you two are in!
Foxxy: You couldn't help overhearing?
Wooldoor: Well, excuse me, but SOME people in this house don't seem to have a problem with me listening through their keyholes! But anyway, I heard about the trouble you were having getting a sitter, and well... I would be more than happy to watch Ricky for you tonight.
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I don't know. I'm not sure if you're ready to look after a child.
Wooldoor: Oh, please, Foxxy? Please? It'll only be for a few hours! And besides, kids love me! Wasn't your baby's first word "Sockbat"? I heard him say it at dinner last night!
Foxxy: No, he was actually saying "Ba-ba!"
Wooldoor: Well, that's "Sockbat" in Italian! (He looks at Foxxy pleadingly again.) Please, Foxxy? Pleeeeeeeease? (Foxxy looks at Hero.)
Foxxy: Hero, what do you think?
Hero: Well, he *is* loving and nurturing... I'm sure he'd protect the baby the best he could. (He looks at Foxxy.) What do you think?
Foxxy and Hero look at each other for a moment, then speak in unison.
Foxxy and Hero: (in unison) Your call! (They both turn away in irritation.) Goddammit!
Wooldoor: Oh, come on, you guys! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Foxxy looks at Hero again. He seems to nod in acquiescence. Foxxy looks at Wooldoor.
Foxxy: Well... okay.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm gonna be the best dad ever!
Foxxy: Babysitter!
Wooldoor: Right.
Wooldoor (in confessional): I was so happy that Hero and Foxxy decided to put their trust in me. I wasn't going to let them down for anything!
The scene changes to Hero and Foxxy walking out the door. Wooldoor is cradling the baby in his right arm while he holds a bottle with his left hand.
Foxxy: Good luck, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Thanks!
Hero: If anything comes up, call us!
Wooldoor: You bet! But it won't, Captain Hero.
Hero: Good. Well, we'll see you later, then.
Wooldoor: Bye bye!
Hero and Foxxy leave. Wooldoor stands there for a moment, then turns to the baby. Wooldoor smiles for a moment, then suddenly becomes worried. He stops and thinks.
Wooldoor: Wait. So... what am I supposed to do now? (He thinks for a moment.) I wonder if it would be too late to go reread all my child rearing manuals. (The baby starts making sounds.) Oh my God! It's making sounds! (Ricky starts to cry.) Oh no! I've failed! I've failed in my mission to be a good babysitter! (The baby makes some more sounds. Wooldoor suddenly snaps out of it.) Wait. That's just what babies do- make random sounds! (Ricky continues to make random sounds. Wooldoor looks at him lovingly.) That's right, Little Ricky! You just keep making those sounds! (He pauses.) And I'll just pray that none of those sounds mean you're sick or in pain because if you are, I'd have no idea what to do to cure you! It's not like I'm a pediatrician or anything! (He thinks for a moment.) Or... am I?
Ricky: Ba ba! (Wooldoor's face lights up.)
Wooldoor: Why, that's right! I *am* Sockbat!
Ricky: Ba ba!
Wooldoor: Yes, we've established that now. Can we move on to something else, please?
Ricky: Ba ba!
Wooldoor: (starting to get frustrated) Why do you keep saying that? (He notices Ricky reaching for the bottle. The realization hits him.) Oh... you want the bottle!
Ricky: Ba ba!
Wooldoor: So... ba ba means bottle? But my name isn't bottle! (He shrugs.) Oh, well. (He hands Ricky the bottle. Ricky takes it and begins sucking on it happily. Wooldoor looks down at him and smiles.) Well, would you look at that? I *do* have this parenting thing down! (At that moment, Wooldoor notices a strange smell. He realizes it is coming from the baby. He holds Ricky up and looks at him disapprovingly.) Ricky, that's disgusting. You mean they haven't even toilet trained you yet? Well, that's changing right now!
As Wooldoor rushes the baby into another room, the scene changes to Hero and Foxxy at dinner. Both have their menus out. There is a lit candle in the center of the table.
Hero (in confessional): I couldn't help but be nervous. I felt reasonably sure that Wooldoor wouldn't let us down watching over our son, but I guess it's a parent's natural inclination to worry. If that had been all, it wouldn't have been so bad, but... this was also going to be the first time Foxxy and I had had sex together in quite a while. I just hoped that being all worked up about the baby wasn't going to affect my performance later on. Of course, I guess I could always tell Foxxy it had been so long, I'd forgotten how. (He thinks for a moment.) No... then she'd probably make me sit through Dr. Wooldoor's sex class again. It wasn't the best.
Foxxy: This is a nice place you picked out, Hero.
Hero: It's got quite a good atmosphere. My only complaint would be the valet. He's way underdressed for such a fancy place.
Foxxy: Valet? You mean the ragged guy outside asking for money? (Hero nods.) That's not a valet, Hero. That's just a homeless guy.
Hero: Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have given him my keys, then.
Foxxy: It's okay, you can get them back later. I don't think he'll be able to drive your car anywhere with that peg leg of his.
Hero: True, true. (He looks at his menu for a moment, then puts it down and looks at Foxxy, slightly worried.) Are you sure the baby will be okay?
Foxxy: Yeah. (She pauses.) Yeah, Hero, I am.
Hero: I guess so.
Foxxy: Now I know Wooldoor's a little... unpredictable. But he's one of our best friends, and you've seen yourself- when the chips are down, he always seems to come through for us.
Hero: That's true. He does.
Foxxy: I mean, look how he idolizes you, Hero! You know he's going to do everything he can to make you happy. (Hero nods.) He wants you to trust him. I don't think he'll let you down.
Hero: I hope not.
Foxxy: And besides, it's not as if he'll be at the house all alone. If he runs into any trouble, Clara and Ling-Ling will be there to help him out.
Hero: Well, that's true.
Cut to the Drawn Together house. Wooldoor, holding the baby in his left arm, smacks Clara's hand away with his right hand.
Clara: (wearing a fancy evening dress) Oww! Wooldoor, that hurt!
Wooldoor: Hands off the child, bitch! He's mine! Only *I* get to look after him tonight! Capisce?
Clara: Wooldoor, I was just trying to straighten his bib! Don't get so violent with me!
Wooldoor: If you don't want another taste of what you just got, you'll quit trying to tell me how to raise this kid! Now leave us alone!
Clara: Fine, Wooldoor. Ling-Ling and I will stay out of your hair. (Slightly hurt, Clara turns and walks out of the room.)
Wooldoor: You're darn right you will!
Cut back to the restaurant.
Hero: I got you something, Foxxy. (He holds out a small box to Foxxy.) Here. (She takes the box.) Happy Valentine's Day! (Foxxy opens the box and smiles happily.)
Foxxy: Oh, Hero... you didn't!
Hero: I did... I went to Jared! (Foxxy smiles.) And then I flipped him off for trying to buy people's emotions like he does and went to another place and got you something even better!
Foxxy: It's beautiful, Hero! (She holds up the item.) A pendant with a solid gold musical note attached to it! And it's my favorite note, too- B sharp!
Hero: I knew you'd appreciate it.
Foxxy: I got you something, too. (She hands him a box.)
Hero: Oh, a box! And it's my second favorite kind of box, too!
Foxxy: Actually, the gift is the thing that's inside the box.
Hero: Oh, goody! I get TWO gifts, then! (Hero opens the box. His face lights up.) Oh, wow! (He pulls out the item.) It's a picture of a set of custom made golf clubs with my logo on them! What an awesome gift! I'll frame it as soon as I get home!
Foxxy: Actually, Hero, the golf clubs are your gift. They were too bulky to bring to the restaurant, so I just brought the picture with me to show them to you.
Hero: Oh, wow! Even better!
Foxxy: Happy Valentine's Day, Hero.
Hero: (smiling) Thank you, Foxxy.
Foxxy: You know, I think this evening is turning out okay.
Hero: I think you're right! (He looks at her.) I love you.
Foxxy: I love you too, Hero!
They lean in toward each other and kiss for a moment. After a few seconds, Foxxy speaks.
Foxxy: (without stopping the kiss) You still thinking about the baby now?
Hero: Little bit, yeah.
Foxxy: Me too.
Hero: Enough to stop kissing?
Foxxy momentarily draws back. Hero looks at her with concern. Foxxy thinks for a very brief moment, then comes to a decision.
Foxxy: No. You know what? I think the baby will be okay, Hero. I have confidence in Wooldoor. Let's keep kissing.
Hero: You know what? You're right, Foxxy. For some reason, it makes me feel a lot more at ease knowing you're at ease.
Foxxy smiles. The two resume their kiss. The scene fades. The scene fades back up on Wooldoor with the baby. Wooldoor is sitting in a chair with a book in his hand. Both Wooldoor and the baby are fast asleep. The camera lingers on the sleeping Wooldoor for a moment. After a few seconds, he wakes up with a start.
Wooldoor: Whoa! I guess I fell asleep! (He looks at the sleeping baby, then looks at the book with annoyance.) Wow! This must be some boring book to have put us both to sleep! (He flips to the last page of the book and reads it aloud.) "Z is for zebra." Yep. Talk about an ending you can see coming a mile away! (He looks at the book angrily.) And you started off so promisingly! But then your story went completely downhill after "H is for horse"! I guess I know one book who won't be getting made into a movie anytime soon! (Wooldoor looks again at the sleeping child.) Awww. He's so precious when he sleeps. (Wooldoor's face tilts up and his eyes focus forward. They begin to glaze over slightly.) So... so precious.
At that moment, we hear a sound coming from the doorway. Baby still in hand, Wooldoor gets out of his seat and rushes over to the door. Now wielding a bat that seems to have materialized out of nowhere, Wooldoor gets a crazed look on his face. The door opens. Wooldoor proceeds to attack the entrant ruthlessly with the bat. The baby continues to sleep.
Wooldoor: Die! Die, you bastard! You'll harm this child over my dead body! Um, please don't actually kill me. That was just an expression.
Hero walks in, clutching his head in pain, followed by Foxxy.
Hero: Wooldoor, it's just me! Your friend, Captain Hero!
Wooldoor: Oh, right. Sorry about that.
Foxxy: Wooldoor, while it would be nice if you could learn to be less jumpy, I have to admire your determination. You really seem to be taking this baby's safety very personally!
Wooldoor: Well... I'm just doing it to help you guys. I know that little Ricky means the world to you, and you'd be crushed if any harm came to him.
Foxxy: That's right, Wooldoor, we would be.
Wooldoor: That's why I was doing it... for you. Certainly not because of any sense of possessiveness I've developed toward the kid. No way. Cause that would be silly.
Hero: Well, thank you, Wooldoor. I think I speak for the both of us when I say that the next time Foxxy and I want to go out for the evening, we'll feel no qualms at all about leaving Ricky in your care.
Wooldoor: Wow! Really?
Hero: You bet, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: Gee, thanks, Mr. Hero!
Foxxy: (to Hero) So what do you think, Hero? Now that we know our child is safe, you think you'll be up to performing tonight?
Hero: Does Spanky like to fart?
Foxxy: Let's go upstairs! (Hero smiles giddily in anticipation. Foxxy reaches over to Wooldoor to take the baby from him.) Thank you for watching our son tonight, Wooldoor. We're ready to take him off your hands now. (Foxxy starts to pull the baby away. However, Wooldoor, a look of panic in his eyes, quickly grabs the baby back from her.)
Wooldoor: No!
Foxxy: No what?
Wooldoor: You can't have him back now! You can't!
Foxxy: Say what?
Wooldoor: (thinking quickly) Um... aren't you two about to go have sex?
Foxxy: Well, yeah...
Wooldoor: I can watch him while you have sex!
Foxxy: Thank you, Wooldoor, but that won't be necessary.
Wooldoor: Oh, won't it? Um... well, think about it. Do you REALLY want a baby's cry to interrupt you while you're in the throes of passion?
Foxxy: Well...
Wooldoor: And what if your reckless lovemaking should accidentally cause his crib to somehow break?
Hero: (acknowledging) It DOES get pretty reckless sometimes.
Wooldoor: Look. You two go have sex, and I'll watch the baby a little while longer. You can come and get him when you're done.
Foxxy: Well, okay, Wooldoor, but... this is me and Captain Hero we're talking about. It could be a while.
Wooldoor: Oh, I know, Foxxy. (He starts to become slightly crazed again.) I know... (Foxxy shoots Wooldoor a worried look. She then shrugs and turns to walk upstairs. Captain Hero follows her. Wooldoor begins to cradle the baby in his arms again. Wooldoor begins singing to him ominously.) Hush little baby, don't you cry... not that you're crying, but just don't- but just don't cry, okay? (He continues singing.) Wooldoor's gonna buy you... something that rhymes with cry... the complete DVD collection of I-Spy?
The scene fades. It fades back up on Hero and Foxxy in bed together.
Foxxy: Wow.
Hero: Yeah.
Foxxy: I guess Spanky DOES like to fart.
Hero: I was relatively sure he did.
Foxxy: Well, Hero, suffice to say, even if you hadn't gotten me that wonderful present, I think that loving we just had would qualify as a pretty good Valentine's Day gift.
Hero: So if I forget to get you a gift next year, will this make up for that in advance?
Foxxy: Possibly... possibly.
Hero: (looking at Foxxy) I can't take all the credit. You were pretty awesome yourself.
Foxxy: Well, yeah. (She looks over at Hero.) You thinking what I'm thinking?
Hero: I'd rather not say. I tend to get this question wrong a lot.
Foxxy: You up for round two?
Hero: Damn! I would have been right this time! (He quickly regroups.) Okay! (Foxxy happens to glance at the clock.)
Foxxy: Tell you what, Hero. Let's get Ricky and put him down for the night. Then we'll come back and go at it again.
Hero: Sounds good to me!
Foxxy and Hero get out of bed. Putting robes on, they proceed to walk out the bedroom door. The scene changes to downstairs. We see Wooldoor still cradling the baby in his arms. As Ricky happily sucks on his bottle, Wooldoor is gently rocking him and humming softly. Foxxy and Hero enter the scene.
Foxxy: Hey, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: (noticing their entry) Oh, hey, you guys.
Hero: Wooldoor, thanks again for watching Ricky for us. We really appreciate it.
Wooldoor: Awww. No problem, guys! Anytime.
Foxxy: We'll go ahead and take him off your hands now. You can go on with your business now.
Wooldoor: Really? I don't know, Foxxy. Can I really trust you guys with him?
Foxxy: Excuse me?
Wooldoor: I've just spend the last several hours with this child, Foxxy. I've become very concerned for his welfare!
Foxxy: We appreciate your concern, Wooldoor, but he IS our child.
Hero: Yes.
Foxxy: We'll go ahead and take him back now. (Foxxy reaches for the baby. However, Wooldoor pulls him away.) Now Wooldoor, that's enough! Let us have our child back!
Wooldoor: No! He's mine! I'm the only one who knows how to raise him right! You'll never take him from me!
Very unamused, Foxxy reaches down and grabs Ricky's baby bottle away. Ricky begins crying.
Foxxy: Now unless you want him to keep crying, you'll HAVE to give him back!
Wooldoor: Oh yeah? Just watch! (Without missing a beat, Wooldoor whips out one of his breasts. He sticks the baby's mouth on his nipple. The baby begins suckling happily.) Oh yeah! You like my breast, don't you, bitch?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, give us the baby back right this instant!
Wooldoor: Never!
Foxxy: Wooldoor, if you don't give us our baby back right now, Captain Hero is going to kick your ass.
Wooldoor: Yeah, right!
Foxxy: And I'll kick it too! Only harder! (Wooldoor's eyes start to glaze over in fear. He looks at Foxxy plaintively for a moment.) That's right, Wooldoor. Now again, we really appreciate what a great job you did babysitting tonight. But your job is done. You need to return little Ricky to his parents now.
Wooldoor, with sadness in his eyes, slowly starts to reach his hands out to extend the baby to Foxxy. However, just as Ricky is about to reach Foxxy's hands, Wooldoor suddenly stops. He quickly turns and runs away.
Wooldoor: No! You can't have him! I'm the only one who deserves to look after him!
Hero: Wooldoor...
Wooldoor: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Before Hero and Foxxy even have time to react, Wooldoor is out the door with the baby. Hero and Foxxy regroup and run to the door. They quickly run outside, but stop in the front yard. Wooldoor is nowhere in sight.
Hero: Damn! How could he have gotten away from us already?
Foxxy: That little rascal can be pretty fast when he wants to be.
Hero: (turning to Foxxy) You think we should enter him in the next Olympics?
Foxxy: We could. Only I don't think he'd be eligible because of the steroid scandal.
Hero: Oh, right.
Foxxy sighs and turns around and walks back in the house. Hero tries to use his special vision to see where Wooldoor is, but to no avail. He turns and follows Foxxy back into the house. The scene changes to a small house in the suburbs somewhere. Unusually Flexible Girl and her mother sit in the living room going through two big boxes, each one labeled "Nana's Hummel collection".
UJW: Mandy, I just want to thank you for coming over tonight to help me sort through all your nana's figurines.
UFG: Oh, it's no problem, Mom. I'm glad I could help.
UJW: It's too bad you had to miss Valentine's Day for it. But you know what the appraiser said. We have to get this done by tomorrow or else!
UFG: I know, Mom. I know.
At that moment, we hear a phone ring. UFG pulls out her cell phone and opens it up.
UFG: Hello? (She pauses a moment, then answers, surprised.) Wooldoor?
Wooldoor: Mandy! Get your bags packed and meet me at the bus station in five minutes! We're going to Mexico!
UFG: Mexico? Why?
Wooldoor: No time to talk! Just do it!
UFG: Sure, Wooldoor. You got it. (UFG puts down the phone and turns to her mother.) Mom, I gotta go. Something just came up.
UJW: Oy vey, this girl, she'll be the death of me yet!
UFG: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you just sit there and keep spouting Jewish stereotypes and I'll go see what this is about, okay? (Just at that moment, there is a knock at the door.) I bet that's Wooldoor now. (UFG quickly goes to the door and opens it. However, it is not Wooldoor who is standing there. UFG is extremely surprised and confused.) Hero? Foxxy?
Foxxy: Hello, Mandy.
Foxxy (in confessional): If we knew Wooldoor like we thought we knew Wooldoor, we figured he was going to try to leave the country with our child and probably give him a new name or something. But before he could do that, we knew he would need a ride to the bus station. So we set out to visit all the people we knew he knew who had driver's licenses. As it turned out, our first guess was the correct one.
UFG: What's this about?
Hero: Mandy, have you heard from Wooldoor?
UFG: Actually, yes. He just called me. Something about Mexico?
Hero: (to Foxxy) Damn! I owe you five bucks! I thought for sure it would be Canada.
Foxxy: Mandy, would you come back to the Drawn Together house with us? We need your help with something.
UFG continues to look confused. The scene changes back to the living room of the Drawn Together house. Foxxy, Hero, and UFG all sit around nervously.
UFG: Wow.
Hero: Yeah.
UFG: He's a spirited little guy, isn't he? But he does tend to go crazy sometimes.
Foxxy: So you know what to do?
UFG: Sure. No problem, Foxxy. (At that moment, UFG's cell phone rings again. She answers it.) Hello?
Wooldoor: Mandy, where the hell are you? I'm at the bus station waiting for you!
UFG: Wooldoor, how did you get to the bus station without a valid driver's license?
Wooldoor: I have a fake ID. It's one of my skills. And I hotwired the neighbor's car. So anyway, are you coming?
UFG: Wooldoor, um... I can't.
Wooldoor: Why the hell not?
UFG: I've been kidnapped.
Wooldoor: (outraged) What?
UFG: Hero and Foxxy are holding me here until you come back with their child.
Wooldoor: That's not fair! They can't do that! Carlos belongs to me now!
UFG: Carlos?
Wooldoor: Yeah, I've decided I like Carlos better than Ricky. Plus, it'll fit in better in Mexico.
Hero: (grabbing the phone away from UFG) Wooldoor, if you want to see your girlfriend alive again, you'll bring us our child back! (Hero turns to UFG.) Don't worry, we wouldn't really kill you.
Wooldoor: I heard that, Hero.
Hero: Oh come on, Wooldoor! Just bring us our baby back! Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
Wooldoor: Has anybody ever told you how annoying that kind of behavior is, Hero? Now shut the hell up and put Mandy on the phone! Mandy is Unusually Flexible Girl's real name, by the way.
Hero: Wooldoor, I know that! (He pauses uncomfortably for a moment.) Now.
Wooldoor: Just wanted to be sure. Now put her on!
Hero hands the phone back to UFG.
UFG: So Wooldoor, you're going to Mexico?
Wooldoor: That's right!
UFG: Do you have your passport? (There is silence for a moment.)
Wooldoor: (after a prolonged pause) Goddammit!
The call is promptly disconnected. Mere seconds later, the door opens. Wooldoor dashes in. However, he does not have the baby with him.
Wooldoor: Hey, guys! How's things?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, where the hell is our baby?
Wooldoor: Right... your baby. Um... I don't know how to tell you this, but... a dog ate him.
Hero: Excuse me?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, if this is the setup for some "dingo ate your baby" joke...
Wooldoor: No, no! It's true! A dog definitely ate your baby! Yep, he definitely ate your baby. I definitely didn't just forget and leave him outside in the mailbox.
Foxxy: (glancing outside toward the mailbox) Hero?
Hero: Right on it! (Hero quickly rushes out the door. He reappears a moment later holding the baby. Both Hero and Foxxy give Wooldoor very stern looks.)
Wooldoor: Damn. You just saw right through that one, didn't you?
Foxxy: Wooldoor, I think you owe us an explanation for all this.
Wooldoor: Look... you know you guys mean the world to me. I know this is your first child and you love him a lot.
Foxxy: Yes.
Wooldoor: Well... used to be, *I* was the kid of the house. But not anymore. Now Ricky is. When I started trying to look after Ricky, I realized that it meant I had to grow up.
Foxxy: You're right, Wooldoor. You do.
Wooldoor: But I can't drive or vote or drink alcohol- legally, at least- so what else am I supposed to do that would make me more grown up? There was only one option left... have a baby. And since my womb, sadly, might be barren, I guess it was easier for me to just take yours.
Foxxy: Really?
Wooldoor: Yeah. And seeing how happy you guys were with him... I guess I couldn't help but want some of that joy for myself. (He looks at Foxxy plaintively.) But I didn't mean to take it so far! I'm sorry, Foxxy.
Foxxy: Gosh, Wooldoor. You're right. I never thought of it like that. (Wooldoor smiles at Foxxy. She smiles back. Wooldoor reaches his arms out. Foxxy hugs him.) I'm sorry, Wooldoor. Your heart's in the right place.
Wooldoor: Thanks, Foxxy.
Hero: Wooldoor...?
Wooldoor: Yes, Hero?
Hero: You pulled that whole little speech out of your ass, didn't you?
Wooldoor and Foxxy stop hugging. Wooldoor laughs.
Wooldoor: I sure did! (Wooldoor turns to the others.) You want to know the real reason I did all that? I'm an unpredictable kook! You never know what I'll do!
Hero: Wow, Wooldoor. You're sure making us want to leave our child with you again.
Wooldoor: Okay, so maybe I did pull all that crap out of my ass. The truth is, I tried to be a good parent. I just got carried away with it.
Foxxy: Well, Wooldoor, we appreciate you going the extra mile to make sure our child is taken care of. You just need to learn where the babysitter's responsibility stops and the parents' responsibility starts.
Wooldoor: So does that mean I can't breast feed him anymore?
Foxxy: I'm afraid so.
Wooldoor: (slightly disappointed) Awwww!
UFG: Wait. You breast feed?
Foxxy: You really don't want to open that can of worms, Mandy.
UFG: You might be right.
Wooldoor: Anyway, you guys, I'm sorry I got all crazy with your kid. If you ever let me watch him again, I promise not to go all Single White Female on him.
Foxxy: (looking at Hero) Single White Female?
Hero: I'm not really sure that's an apt metaphor.
Wooldoor: Fatal Attraction? I dunno, just pick a movie where someone gets all obsessive. But if you can ever find it in your hearts to trust me again, I promise to do a better job.
Foxxy: Oh, I think we'll be able to do that. Eventually.
Hero: Yeah. When you've both grown up a little more, I think.
Wooldoor: Okay, that's fair.
Foxxy: That may be sooner than we think, Hero. Our Sockbat friend seems to be growing up pretty fast.
Hero: I know. It seems like it was only yesterday that he was stuffing a sock in his pants and calling it his boner!
Foxxy: Hero, that was this morning.
Hero: Right. (Suddenly, Hero notices something on the floor. He leans over and picks it up.) Is this Clara's shoe? What the hell is it doing here?
Foxxy: Well, now that that's settled, Hero, would you like to go with me to put Ricky down for the night? After that, we can get started on round two!
Hero: (clapping) Yay! I love round two!
Foxxy turns and walks upstairs. Hero throws down the shoe and happily turns to follow her. Wooldoor turns to UFG.
Wooldoor: Those two are going to have sex!
UFG: Yes, Wooldoor, I realized that.
Wooldoor: Right. (There is an awkward silence for a moment before Wooldoor speaks again.) So. I guess I should explain what all this was about.
UFG: What's to explain? You were babysitting for Foxxy, you went all crazy and tried to kidnap their baby and run off to Mexico with him! I'm sure that kind of thing happens to you all the time.
Wooldoor: Yeah, it kind of does.
UFG: If it's any comfort, Wooldoor... I know how you feel.
Wooldoor: Really?
UFG: Yeah. Hero and Foxxy seem to have everything. The perfect marriage... and now they have a precious child to share it with. It's hard to look at that and not want something like that for yourself.
Wooldoor: I know. (He holds UFG's hand.) But don't worry, Mandy. You'll have all that stuff soon enough. I may be young right now, but I won't be forever. Before you know it, we'll be married and have kids of our own!
UFG: I guess you're right, Wooldoor.
Wooldoor: And if you get tired of waiting, I'll just steal another kid! I could probably grab Spanky's and I don't think he'd notice.
UFG: (starting to smile) That's okay, Wooldoor. I'll manage. (He smiles at her.)
Wooldoor: Hmm... now this is interesting.
UFG: What's that?
Wooldoor: Well, the two of us, despite having other plans, have managed to end up alone together. (Wooldoor looks at his wrist.) And according to the watch I'm pretending to wear, it's still Valentine's Day. What say the two of us go to a private place and celebrate it together?
UFG: You mean have sex? (Wooldoor nods.) Wooldoor, I'd love to. But you know we can't do that just yet because of your age.
Wooldoor: (disappointed) Oh. Right. (With a gleam in her eye, UFG turns to Wooldoor.)
UFG: But... we COULD engage in some heavy petting!
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love heavy petting!
UFG smiles at Wooldoor seductively. He smiles back. In a flash, the two lovers throw their arms around each other and proceed to kiss passionately. The scene fades.
EPILOGUE
The scene changes to a small house in the suburbs somewhere. We see a bedroom. Two figures are underneath the covers performing an action that cannot be properly identified. After a moment, both people's heads emerge from beneath the covers. It is Spanky and his wife.
Wife: Wow.
Spanky: You said it!
Wife: I never knew Dutch ovening could be that hot.
Spanky: I didn't either. I'm glad I read that book of Sting's so I could perfect my technique.
Spanky's wife lifts the covers and smells. She draws back a little.
Wife: Wow! Those are some powerful fumes!
Spanky: They sure are!
At that moment, Spanky reaches over to the nightstand. He grabs a cigarette and puts it in his mouth, then takes up a lighter. However, before he can flick it, his wife stops him.
Wife: Spanky! No!
Spanky: Huh? Oh, right.
Wife: Not until I open a window first, at least.
Spanky: Sure thing, babe!
As Spanky's wife gets out of bed and walks over to the window, Spanky lies back with a big smile on his face. The scene fades.
THE END