The Truth About Rachel.
Okay..wanna get to know some of the real me? This is for the people who think they know me or the people who honestly just wanna get to know me. I give Randi Brite credit for this inspiration dur to her truthful blog. I meant to do it a long time ago but now since I'm in the mood I'll do it now.
Brief Life Story: I lived in St Thomas until I was 16. I grew up there and had the perfect family Beaver Cleaver life. I live in a gorgeous house with a beautiful garden. It was my mom, dad and sister and we were happy. When I was 12 my parents broke up and that killed me and my sisters. I was a mommy's girl though so my dad can go fuck himself. To this day I don't really have a relationship with him, he doesn't even look like my dad anymore so as far as I'm concerned he died when I was 12. My sisters still talks to him though. My younger sister rebelled by having sex and doing drugs which stressed my mom out so much that my sister moved in with my older sister who is 28 and her 3 kids. It was just me and my mom and I couldn't be happier untilll......
February 2004 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer..no one saw it coming, me of course being the emotionless one said she could fight it and it was would be fine. A month latre I pick up the phone to call up a budday when I hear the doctor tell my mom she also has a brain tumor..wow..reality shock. By the summer she was in the hospital 24/7 and slipping in and out of comas she wasn't suppose to make it past June..my birthday but she did. That summer I had to move to London with my sisters and start a home there..so we would be prepared for when she's gone..how the fuck do you prepare for that shit?????
She had brain surgery In September which went way better than planned and she recovered enough to come home for a bit. My grandma was freaking out so much over not being able to watch her daughter die that she prayed for God to take her life day after day...and he did...she had a strok and dies beginning of Jan. My mom was in the hospital again by this time...that was one of the hardest things to tell my mom that her mom passed away...my mom wasn't even in her right mind..she had brain tumors and cancer spreading like crazy.
January 23 2005 late at night my mom died in my arms. I'll never forget the lips turning black and the fingers swelling purple it was horrifying but it was my mother. I knew her last breath was her last because I stopped breathing at the same time..everything felt like it shut down for a moment...then my heart broke literally in half.
After living with my sisters for a year I said fuck that and moved in with my aunt...My sister drive me crazy but I will kill for them.
Ok here is more personal shit:
Music: Music is my life..I use to be like..shut up everyone says that but its true, and now I understand where there coming from. It seriously was the only thing that helped me through my parents seperation and my mom's sick days and death..it was fucking hard and music was my way to vent and breakdown. It made me feel better in every possible way. I love going to shows but I'm not going to get my ass signed or flirt with hot guys. I'm there for the music first and foremost and the people come second. I'm really grateful for the people I've met and became friends with just through sharing the love of music. I enjoy the personal local scene over the mainstream..I'd rather interact with the bands and hear them again opposed to seeing them maybe once on a huge stage 50 feet away but I guess that's fun every once in a while too. So local bands..thanx a lot..you've made my move to London worthwhile a lot more comforting.
Friends: I know a lot of people and I hang with a lot of different crowds but honestly I have very few real friends. Even out of those few I can't say that any of them know everything about me. There are a couple friends I would die for even over family. Some bonds really are thicker then blood. My friends have proved over and over that they have been there more often then my family. Yes I love my family but not all of them...just because were related doesn't mean I know you. These friends know who they are and some of them don't know how important they are too me but I love you guys more then anything. Thanx.
Emotions - Believe it or not people but I do have emotions and in the last year I've gotton a lot better at expressing them. I use to be the one who was cold-hearted and emotionless towards everything.I can count the amount of people who have seen me cry on one hand...which in a way is sad. A lot of the time I don't really care about things and I don't sweat the small stuff but yea I do get hurt and I sulk.
Love: FINALLY!..lol. all you really cared about anyway right? kidding...
I've never been in love but I have had my heart broken..funny how that works eh? Well it does but I always get over it and laugh later but maybe that's because I haven't been in love...hmm...
I'm one of those girls who always says NO to a realtionship because well..fuck them. I hate being tied down and commited. I don't like relying on guys for anything, women are just as strong, smart and dependable as men...if not more..no offence guys. But as I get older and more mature I'm starting to want that someone to commit too, that somebody who knows you better then yourself, the "i'd die for you, you'd die for me" (Wheel On The Bus) kind of relationship. I want to feel like everything is right when I'm in his arms and not wonder if this is 'ever gonna happen again'. I hate it and I'm sick of "seeing people" now. Yea its hella fun but its starting to sucks because I'm starting to let emotions in. I'm always the girl that the guys like but never the friend with the boyfriend...I don't get it and my friends don't either..MUCH THANX to them who keep reminding me..LOL. Very RARELY does a guy come around who gives me butterflies and it never happens right away. I have never ended up with the guy that I like sooo much...something goes wrong or gets fucked over...I end up with guys who praise the ground I walk on. I hate it now...I need someone who I like back and likes me the same. Personality does go a far way though..getting to know guys makes them so much hotter to me..but it also can make them less attractive. I don't fall fast or easy but lately I have no idea whats going on or what the fuck I'm feeling. I have fell fast before but I also have a hard time letting people know how I really feel..I've learned people can't wait forever.
I believe if you honestly like eachother that you won't let distance, school, work, time or anything get in your way...if you're meant for eachother there is always a way to make it work, don't lie to yourself or make up excuses.
No I'm not a virgin but I'm not a slut either. I'm not gonna sleep with you right away. I love sex..its great but I can honestly say to this day that I havn't slept with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with. Even though sometimes I really want to just sleep with you or even had the intentions too..it didn't happen for one reason or another..don't worry about it..maybe there will be a second chance or maybe you'll have to offer me a bit more then the typical "seeing" shit.
Anyway that is a bit of me that I felt like I had to get off my chest...thanx for reading...I'm very open too so if you wanna talk just leave me a message or whateve and I promise I'll get back to ya.
Much thanx and Love
Rachel Leah Martin
PS excuse the spelling...im lazy now...
Brief Life Story: I lived in St Thomas until I was 16. I grew up there and had the perfect family Beaver Cleaver life. I live in a gorgeous house with a beautiful garden. It was my mom, dad and sister and we were happy. When I was 12 my parents broke up and that killed me and my sisters. I was a mommy's girl though so my dad can go fuck himself. To this day I don't really have a relationship with him, he doesn't even look like my dad anymore so as far as I'm concerned he died when I was 12. My sisters still talks to him though. My younger sister rebelled by having sex and doing drugs which stressed my mom out so much that my sister moved in with my older sister who is 28 and her 3 kids. It was just me and my mom and I couldn't be happier untilll......
February 2004 my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer..no one saw it coming, me of course being the emotionless one said she could fight it and it was would be fine. A month latre I pick up the phone to call up a budday when I hear the doctor tell my mom she also has a brain tumor..wow..reality shock. By the summer she was in the hospital 24/7 and slipping in and out of comas she wasn't suppose to make it past June..my birthday but she did. That summer I had to move to London with my sisters and start a home there..so we would be prepared for when she's gone..how the fuck do you prepare for that shit?????
She had brain surgery In September which went way better than planned and she recovered enough to come home for a bit. My grandma was freaking out so much over not being able to watch her daughter die that she prayed for God to take her life day after day...and he did...she had a strok and dies beginning of Jan. My mom was in the hospital again by this time...that was one of the hardest things to tell my mom that her mom passed away...my mom wasn't even in her right mind..she had brain tumors and cancer spreading like crazy.
January 23 2005 late at night my mom died in my arms. I'll never forget the lips turning black and the fingers swelling purple it was horrifying but it was my mother. I knew her last breath was her last because I stopped breathing at the same time..everything felt like it shut down for a moment...then my heart broke literally in half.
After living with my sisters for a year I said fuck that and moved in with my aunt...My sister drive me crazy but I will kill for them.
Ok here is more personal shit:
Music: Music is my life..I use to be like..shut up everyone says that but its true, and now I understand where there coming from. It seriously was the only thing that helped me through my parents seperation and my mom's sick days and death..it was fucking hard and music was my way to vent and breakdown. It made me feel better in every possible way. I love going to shows but I'm not going to get my ass signed or flirt with hot guys. I'm there for the music first and foremost and the people come second. I'm really grateful for the people I've met and became friends with just through sharing the love of music. I enjoy the personal local scene over the mainstream..I'd rather interact with the bands and hear them again opposed to seeing them maybe once on a huge stage 50 feet away but I guess that's fun every once in a while too. So local bands..thanx a lot..you've made my move to London worthwhile a lot more comforting.
Friends: I know a lot of people and I hang with a lot of different crowds but honestly I have very few real friends. Even out of those few I can't say that any of them know everything about me. There are a couple friends I would die for even over family. Some bonds really are thicker then blood. My friends have proved over and over that they have been there more often then my family. Yes I love my family but not all of them...just because were related doesn't mean I know you. These friends know who they are and some of them don't know how important they are too me but I love you guys more then anything. Thanx.
Emotions - Believe it or not people but I do have emotions and in the last year I've gotton a lot better at expressing them. I use to be the one who was cold-hearted and emotionless towards everything.I can count the amount of people who have seen me cry on one hand...which in a way is sad. A lot of the time I don't really care about things and I don't sweat the small stuff but yea I do get hurt and I sulk.
Love: FINALLY!..lol. all you really cared about anyway right? kidding...
I've never been in love but I have had my heart broken..funny how that works eh? Well it does but I always get over it and laugh later but maybe that's because I haven't been in love...hmm...
I'm one of those girls who always says NO to a realtionship because well..fuck them. I hate being tied down and commited. I don't like relying on guys for anything, women are just as strong, smart and dependable as men...if not more..no offence guys. But as I get older and more mature I'm starting to want that someone to commit too, that somebody who knows you better then yourself, the "i'd die for you, you'd die for me" (Wheel On The Bus) kind of relationship. I want to feel like everything is right when I'm in his arms and not wonder if this is 'ever gonna happen again'. I hate it and I'm sick of "seeing people" now. Yea its hella fun but its starting to sucks because I'm starting to let emotions in. I'm always the girl that the guys like but never the friend with the boyfriend...I don't get it and my friends don't either..MUCH THANX to them who keep reminding me..LOL. Very RARELY does a guy come around who gives me butterflies and it never happens right away. I have never ended up with the guy that I like sooo much...something goes wrong or gets fucked over...I end up with guys who praise the ground I walk on. I hate it now...I need someone who I like back and likes me the same. Personality does go a far way though..getting to know guys makes them so much hotter to me..but it also can make them less attractive. I don't fall fast or easy but lately I have no idea whats going on or what the fuck I'm feeling. I have fell fast before but I also have a hard time letting people know how I really feel..I've learned people can't wait forever.
I believe if you honestly like eachother that you won't let distance, school, work, time or anything get in your way...if you're meant for eachother there is always a way to make it work, don't lie to yourself or make up excuses.
No I'm not a virgin but I'm not a slut either. I'm not gonna sleep with you right away. I love sex..its great but I can honestly say to this day that I havn't slept with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with. Even though sometimes I really want to just sleep with you or even had the intentions too..it didn't happen for one reason or another..don't worry about it..maybe there will be a second chance or maybe you'll have to offer me a bit more then the typical "seeing" shit.
Anyway that is a bit of me that I felt like I had to get off my chest...thanx for reading...I'm very open too so if you wanna talk just leave me a message or whateve and I promise I'll get back to ya.
Much thanx and Love
Rachel Leah Martin
PS excuse the spelling...im lazy now...