excerpt from a chat i had..
feels worse to stay silent. s o i'll blather on here, but pelase don't think i'm expecting to you pay attenion when we both know you are dealing with else what. i just don't want the words and feelings to keep bouncing in my head. so i type them out.
stuff like this i sometimes put in a journal, i use to have an audience for the journal, but not anymore.
i am not sure why some peeps crave an audience for their journals, their thoughts. friends or strangers, doesn't matter. i guess it is to get imput, or smpathy, or understanding or acceptance, from anwyewrhes.
i absoultly hate that i'm atempting to persuasde you. I know you need your time to take care of and deal with yoru panic and whatever else it is you need. I am just too selfish to just allow it. i'm trying to put my needs first. and my needs are to be there, away from here. to be with you, with a friend again. especially since the fallout with my sis, i've felt more alone and ostricized than before.
i have no space, no privacy nothing is mine. i'm also pretty lowe on the totem pole with lots oft hings.
so when no one is awake, i have a bit of time, but as soon as they are awake, they are in control, and if they don't want me, or want what i want, i'm on the losing end.
i supose angela's phone is fixed, but i havn't called her.
and she hasn't called me either.
i feel that has died.
i dont' spend time with mom since the first time i moved out of the house down to your place. my spot in the room got replaced.
and i don't have my sister it feels. that is my fault i'm sure, but i don't feel it.
all i have left is you. and no fault against you, you aren't ready for me yet cuz of your own life.
and all i feel is slap you suck slap you suck slap you suck you have no purpose here everywhere i turn. weather it is intentional or not.
i supose i could fight. struggle the river and make a place for myself.
but i don't feel strong enough to do that. i'd rather get run over by the headlongers.
stuff like this i sometimes put in a journal, i use to have an audience for the journal, but not anymore.
i am not sure why some peeps crave an audience for their journals, their thoughts. friends or strangers, doesn't matter. i guess it is to get imput, or smpathy, or understanding or acceptance, from anwyewrhes.
i absoultly hate that i'm atempting to persuasde you. I know you need your time to take care of and deal with yoru panic and whatever else it is you need. I am just too selfish to just allow it. i'm trying to put my needs first. and my needs are to be there, away from here. to be with you, with a friend again. especially since the fallout with my sis, i've felt more alone and ostricized than before.
i have no space, no privacy nothing is mine. i'm also pretty lowe on the totem pole with lots oft hings.
so when no one is awake, i have a bit of time, but as soon as they are awake, they are in control, and if they don't want me, or want what i want, i'm on the losing end.
i supose angela's phone is fixed, but i havn't called her.
and she hasn't called me either.
i feel that has died.
i dont' spend time with mom since the first time i moved out of the house down to your place. my spot in the room got replaced.
and i don't have my sister it feels. that is my fault i'm sure, but i don't feel it.
all i have left is you. and no fault against you, you aren't ready for me yet cuz of your own life.
and all i feel is slap you suck slap you suck slap you suck you have no purpose here everywhere i turn. weather it is intentional or not.
i supose i could fight. struggle the river and make a place for myself.
but i don't feel strong enough to do that. i'd rather get run over by the headlongers.