it feels as if we're growing apart, not closer...
so this is going to be my big long girlie rant on me and Jordan and how I want him, but he doesn't want me it seems. just his g/f.
so if you don't like complaining, don't read this. or read it and cry with me.
at the first of the semester, I remember I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Just one look at him and I felt like i was melting. Then I found out about the girlfriend. I thought of it as a minor setback, but I seem to be wrong.
especially today. Maybe things are dying down. But in the beginning, they were inseperable. I found pictures of them together. Extremely happy, gorgeous, cute pics. In the spring Bando show book thing. my cheeks redden as I write and i don't even know why. anger, maybe.
I feel like crying. but i know that won't make him come to me.
it's so hard. being just a friend. never having your conversations go deeper than you want, never having those hugs that are reserved for someone else. it seems like right as i'm about to start talking, she comes in. i try and wait it out, and maybe see if something is planned, but i don't know.
now as we've gotten to see eachother everyday, i just want those short conversations. even if it's something silly like why i'm cutting things off of my knee brace. then those times when i think there might actually be a chance, i end up realizing that he's just a nice guy.
like one day, Rachel needed 4 bucks for lunch. not knowing this, she bought some pizza. the lunch lady was like "you don't have enough, sorry." but then stepped in Jordan, who bought it with his card for her. yeah, Rach likes Jordan too, but she's not the kind of girl he would date.
he's so my type and everytime i realize that, it makes me SO much more upset. the all those things people have said "oh, you never have a chance with him" or "hahaha whatever!" fill into my head.
i can't stop thinking about him. i really cant. he's on my mind almost always.
and then there's Kim, who is counting down the days until her b/f gets home. And then there's me, who is counting the days of how long the guy I like isn't my b/f. how many days we're getting further, how many days that there are between us.
there's so much I want to tell him. that i REALLY like him, that he doesn't deserve her (but maybe he does), that yeah, even though they are probably cuter than i dunno...kate and orlando, that i still want him...probably even more than she does.
it's so hard to pretend. to be there and watching them talk and hug and kiss and pretend like you don't care. to pretend that you're happy for them, happy that they're together.
but i know if they ever broke up, nobody could fill her heart again. he's so right for her, but at the same time, so right for me.
and knowing that this next month is part of the last times i will EVER see him makes it soooo much worse. there are so many times that i've just wanted to go up to him and tell him all of this and just hug him and never ever let him go. but i know doing that would be so against the rules.
those unwritten relationship rules. how you never do that to a taken guy, especially if you're good friends with his g/f's sister. especially if you even go to the same school as his g/f. and plus, he'd probably think that i've got problems.
and yeah, he said it himself "you have to be able to do something without the fear of falling on your face", but as much as i'd like to apply that to this situation, can you imagine me turning that back to him?
there is so much longing. so much inside pain. so much emotion. and i've decided to tell yall this instead of doing my IPC homework.
and don't worry about me. i'm not gonna go off and kill myself now. it's gonna sound extremely narcissistic, but i love myself WAY too much to do that. plus i can't imagine how anyone could do that, knowing they're leaving all their friends and family behind.
i guess i just need to realize to take it day by day and if something happens between us, great.
if it doesn't than maybe that means God just doesn't want us together now.
or maybe we're just not meant to be.
whatever it is, i'll just have to trust Him and to know His decisions are best.
thanks yall. i could've totally written that into some Yellowcard/Dashboard/Blink/some other EMO band song.
love yall bunches!!!
so if you don't like complaining, don't read this. or read it and cry with me.
at the first of the semester, I remember I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Just one look at him and I felt like i was melting. Then I found out about the girlfriend. I thought of it as a minor setback, but I seem to be wrong.
especially today. Maybe things are dying down. But in the beginning, they were inseperable. I found pictures of them together. Extremely happy, gorgeous, cute pics. In the spring Bando show book thing. my cheeks redden as I write and i don't even know why. anger, maybe.
I feel like crying. but i know that won't make him come to me.
it's so hard. being just a friend. never having your conversations go deeper than you want, never having those hugs that are reserved for someone else. it seems like right as i'm about to start talking, she comes in. i try and wait it out, and maybe see if something is planned, but i don't know.
now as we've gotten to see eachother everyday, i just want those short conversations. even if it's something silly like why i'm cutting things off of my knee brace. then those times when i think there might actually be a chance, i end up realizing that he's just a nice guy.
like one day, Rachel needed 4 bucks for lunch. not knowing this, she bought some pizza. the lunch lady was like "you don't have enough, sorry." but then stepped in Jordan, who bought it with his card for her. yeah, Rach likes Jordan too, but she's not the kind of girl he would date.
he's so my type and everytime i realize that, it makes me SO much more upset. the all those things people have said "oh, you never have a chance with him" or "hahaha whatever!" fill into my head.
i can't stop thinking about him. i really cant. he's on my mind almost always.
and then there's Kim, who is counting down the days until her b/f gets home. And then there's me, who is counting the days of how long the guy I like isn't my b/f. how many days we're getting further, how many days that there are between us.
there's so much I want to tell him. that i REALLY like him, that he doesn't deserve her (but maybe he does), that yeah, even though they are probably cuter than i dunno...kate and orlando, that i still want him...probably even more than she does.
it's so hard to pretend. to be there and watching them talk and hug and kiss and pretend like you don't care. to pretend that you're happy for them, happy that they're together.
but i know if they ever broke up, nobody could fill her heart again. he's so right for her, but at the same time, so right for me.
and knowing that this next month is part of the last times i will EVER see him makes it soooo much worse. there are so many times that i've just wanted to go up to him and tell him all of this and just hug him and never ever let him go. but i know doing that would be so against the rules.
those unwritten relationship rules. how you never do that to a taken guy, especially if you're good friends with his g/f's sister. especially if you even go to the same school as his g/f. and plus, he'd probably think that i've got problems.
and yeah, he said it himself "you have to be able to do something without the fear of falling on your face", but as much as i'd like to apply that to this situation, can you imagine me turning that back to him?
there is so much longing. so much inside pain. so much emotion. and i've decided to tell yall this instead of doing my IPC homework.
and don't worry about me. i'm not gonna go off and kill myself now. it's gonna sound extremely narcissistic, but i love myself WAY too much to do that. plus i can't imagine how anyone could do that, knowing they're leaving all their friends and family behind.
i guess i just need to realize to take it day by day and if something happens between us, great.
if it doesn't than maybe that means God just doesn't want us together now.
or maybe we're just not meant to be.
whatever it is, i'll just have to trust Him and to know His decisions are best.
thanks yall. i could've totally written that into some Yellowcard/Dashboard/Blink/some other EMO band song.
love yall bunches!!!