Season 11, Week 30 Portfolio: "Lifeboat"
BUNKERS AND BLUEBERRY PIE
Jack was sitting at the counter inside Annie’s Restaurant when the world didn’t end, yet again. The asteroid had missed, or God had forgiven humanity, or the mystic calculations were off just a little, or whatever the excuse was. Jack was just happy to be eating his second piece of one of the best blueberry pies he’d had in a long time. It was a good morning.
The most recent for-sure-end-of-the-world event had passed by, and all those doomsday preppers had crawled out of their bunkers and started looking for a new reason for the coming collapse of civilization.
Jack didn’t mind - the business was always good. Many of the preppers had bought luxurious Lifeboat bunkers from him for this last would-be Doom Event. Now he could sell them conversion kits to turn their bunkers into rec rooms or underground man-caves or whatever they wanted, so they wouldn’t look as crazy as they actually were.
Jack Chatham was the balding, overweight owner of Lifeboat, Inc., and a natural-born salesman. He was a genius at finding people’s fears, stoking them, and then selling the solution: a Lifeboat luxury bunker.
Any fool could build a bunker by using a backhoe to bury some old shipping containers for starters. Jack targeted the high-end social paranoiacs, and built small houses underground with armored, radiation-proof exteriors and loads of room for storing supplies and weapons. Every comfort was provided so that his customers knew they would be safe in the post-apocalyptic world of their choice.
But the most recent doomsday panic was over, and now it was time for a break. Blueberry pie was a great place to start.
“How do you get such a flaky crust?” Jack asked Annie.
“I use a little vodka in place of some of the ice water,” she replied.
It was clear she knew her pies. Jack only knew the eating part. Annie was in her mid-thirties, and Jack found her attractive in a Betty Crocker kind of way.
Her restaurant was in Styx River, a tiny hamlet popular for its fishing, hiking, and river-rafting. The few businesses catered to tourists, so it was pretty empty during the off season, like now. The restaurant was the only one for miles and it was generally busy, but it was slow at the moment.
“What brings you here?” Annie asked, brushing her hair back. She was curious by nature and liked talking to her customers.
“I sell doomsday bunkers,” Jack replied.
He was always reluctant to explain his job because he thought it made him sound fringy when all he did was sell to the fringe.
“Must be a good market,” said Annie. “Lots of people worry about that stuff around here.”
“I sold some units up in the hills,” said Jack.
“Well, with the River Styx nearby and all those dead wandering around waiting their turn, who can blame them?” said Annie.
Uh, oh, thought Jack. A crazy baker.
“Besides the Styx,” said Annie, “just over the hill there’s the hellmouth in that old mine. Why we couldn’t get a few angels, I’ll never know. But still, there it is.”
Jack never liked high-level weirdness unless a sale was near. He'd been thinking about a third helping and more conversation, but decided he'd better order the pie to go instead.
“I know what you’re thinking,” said Annie as she made up his order, “but I’m not crazy.” Her smile made him forget the weirdness but not the pie, which he made sure to take with him.
He wasn't sure he'd be coming back soon, but then again, there was at least one wealthy client in the area who'd be good for a conversion. Definitely the man-cave type, which was always profitable. Jack never liked to leave a sale behind, so a return trip might be needed after all.
“That smile and that pie . . .” he thought as he drove away. It was a pleasant thought, but he had a lot of other work waiting for him at home.
One of Jack's recent ideas had been to increase business by contributing to internet conspiracy sites about the coming economic collapse or starvation or zombie plague, or any other fear-of-the-day. That always got the internet buzzing with people seeking ways to save themselves.
When the frenzy peaked, he would know it was time to sell some Lifeboats. He’d come up with a new design this year, that incorporated remote-control machine guns for increased firepower and safety.
Now that the most recent doomsday scare had dissipated, it was time to begin the next business cycle.
Jack started working the conspiracy sites again to help build new panic, and this time he triggered a new tipping point after only seven weeks. Sales of his new Lifeboat design were brisk for several months, but then they started to slow. He thought of Annie. He was in a stressful business and a little relaxation would be perfect - just what the doctor ordered.
“You’ve got to make some changes,” his doctor kept saying, “eat better, get some exercise, get your blood pressure down. You’re not young anymore.”
Jack always promised to try, and then ate a pizza instead. A travelling salesman’s diet was awful, but his was worse than most.
He decided to visit Annie that very night. It was a pretty drive to Styx River and the moon was high when Jack stopped for some gas half an hour away.
“It really is gorgeous,” he thought as stopped for coffee and antacids at the Gas ‘N Sip.
Sitting in his car, he popped a few of the antacids and washed them down with the battery-acid coffee. He wasn’t feeling good.
“I need to rest for a bit,” he thought.
He took a brief nap in the parking lot and felt much better when he woke up, better than he had in years. He was eager for some pie and that smile.
The moon was full when he crested the hill outside of town, and the light gave it a pale blue glow. There were a lot of people wandering the streets, most of them in the direction of the docks.
“Pretty busy for so late at night,” Jack thought. “They're probably fishermen.”
He didn’t know anything about fishing, but midnight seemed as good a time to fish as any.
Jack parked his car in Annie’s lot. He was curious about what everyone was doing, but he wanted some pie first, and to see if she still had that smile for him.
Everything shimmered in the moonlight and Jack found it hard to focus, especially on the people.
Annie was behind the counter and she flashed him a wide grin. She was so light and beautiful that Jack couldn’t look at her.
“I knew you’d be back,” she said. “Welcome to Forever After.”
Jack couldn’t move. “What the hell?” was all he could say.
“Not necessarily,” said Annie, “but probably so in your case.”
“Am I dead?” asked Jack, as he noticed that his skin seemed to be radiating a blue-white color.
“You had a heart attack back in your car,” said Annie.
Jack always thought he’d probably die on the road, but he'd also thought it would be years before that happened.
“You should have taken better care of yourself,” Annie said. “You had a weak heart.”
Jack didn’t know what was going on. He closed his eyes and thought he would faint.
“And you should have been a better person,” said Annie. “Your work wasn’t kind to your soul. You fed on people’s fears and then sold them products they didn’t need and couldn’t afford. You didn’t care what you did to them.”
Jack opened his eyes. He was starting to feel the pull of the river.
“Who are you?” he finally said.
“I’m a Guide,” said Annie. “I’ll take you to the river and then you’ll cross over.”
Jack’s light was glowing stronger as his body started to fade.
“Over to where?” he said.
“Not Heaven,” she answered. “That’s someplace else. You’ll find out on the other side. The old mine’s been glowing red lately, so the hellmouth’s open.”
Jack's body started to fade away, leaving only light. “I guess it’s time for me to go,” he said.
Annie went with him to the pier, where many other souls were waiting. They would be herded onto Charon’s ferry and then carried to the other side of the river.
“It’s crowded here,” said Jack. “All these souls - I’m frightened.”
“Don’t be,” said Annie. “Everyone crosses over.”
Jack could see other Guides, who glowed brighter than the souls. He wished he could see Annie smile one last time, but all he saw now was the river, the other side, and the ferry.
The boat was full of souls by the time Jack got on. As they crossed the river, he looked back and he saw Annie disappear, and then the town, until he could only see the approaching shore.
There were new Guides on the other shore to sort everyone. He saw the hellmouth burning brighter in the distance as minions claimed some of the souls near him and used whips of fire to steer them to eternal torture. Jack was afraid. He knew the life he’d lived.
“That’s not for you,” said a Guide. “You’re going to Purgatory.”
Jack felt relieved. It wasn’t Heaven, but at least it wasn’t Hell.
“It was a close call,” said the Guide. “But Annie said anyone who loved blueberry pie that much should not be abandoned to the Pit of Despair.”
Jack turned around, and now he could see Annie there on the far shore again. Her black hair and baker’s apron looked like they always had, and she smiled at him before heading back to her restaurant.
“Maybe this won’t be too bad after all,” he thought, as he moved off with the other souls headed for Purgatory. “Maybe they’ll have blueberry pie.”
* * * * * *
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Complete Portfolio
1. Favorite: "The Pirates" https://rayaso.livejournal.com/37750.html
2. Lifeboat: "Bunkers and Blueberry Pie" https://rayaso.livejournal.com/44294.html
3. Fermentation: "FTSEC" https://rayaso.livejournal.com/44034.html
4. Champion (
whipchick) "Buddha Nature" https://whipchick.livejournal.com/75957.html [I am so grateful for her willingness to be my champion and for the excellence of her story]
5. Re-Do of "My True North" https://rayaso.livejournal.com/38989.html : "Lost" https://rayaso.livejournal.com/44632.html