fuck
i put in my two weeks at work today.
i'm in so much pain every day now that i can barely think.
i feel fucking useless.
i feel like i'm just complaining anymore because it doesn't matter. who hasn't heard it before?
i hate being so dependent on people.
i understand their concern but... i've discovered i have a lot of pride and its being bashed into the dirt right now.
i had such high hopes of being able to walk around portland without being high on drugs to dull the pain....... and now i'm even worse then before and i'm out of pills.
i really don't care if i'm a junkie for pain medicine anymore.. because you know what.
i'm in fucking pain. i just want to live one day without pain. and if popping pills is how i do it.... fine.
it takes me forever to go up or down a flight of stairs.
i can't go for a leisurely stroll through a museum.
i can't park a few blocks away from an event, escape the chaos of crowds and walk there.
i can't wear high heels anymore. not without some pain killers and.. well, 5 inch stilletos and vicodin? that can't be a good combination.
god
fuuuck. i'm barely sleeping anymore.. i've lost now, since the surgery, close to 7 lbs. my every day cycle goes like this.. tired from lack of sleep, knee hurts, go through day, knee hurts worse. mid day, my back starts hurting because of how i'm walking now. knee and back hurts, tired.. a migraine starts. by the time the evening comes around, i'm exhausted and in too much pain to get to sleep. i'm grouchy, bitchy and i have to start it all over the next day.
sleeping pills don't work for shit. and besides, i can't take them with any pain killers i might have. just.. fuck. i can't figure out how to kill this cycle.. i'm eating.. maybe a meal a day.. its just.. too tired, too much pain that i dont remember to eat. i'm not hungry..
...what the hell am i going to do....
i'm in so much pain every day now that i can barely think.
i feel fucking useless.
i feel like i'm just complaining anymore because it doesn't matter. who hasn't heard it before?
i hate being so dependent on people.
i understand their concern but... i've discovered i have a lot of pride and its being bashed into the dirt right now.
i had such high hopes of being able to walk around portland without being high on drugs to dull the pain....... and now i'm even worse then before and i'm out of pills.
i really don't care if i'm a junkie for pain medicine anymore.. because you know what.
i'm in fucking pain. i just want to live one day without pain. and if popping pills is how i do it.... fine.
it takes me forever to go up or down a flight of stairs.
i can't go for a leisurely stroll through a museum.
i can't park a few blocks away from an event, escape the chaos of crowds and walk there.
i can't wear high heels anymore. not without some pain killers and.. well, 5 inch stilletos and vicodin? that can't be a good combination.
god
fuuuck. i'm barely sleeping anymore.. i've lost now, since the surgery, close to 7 lbs. my every day cycle goes like this.. tired from lack of sleep, knee hurts, go through day, knee hurts worse. mid day, my back starts hurting because of how i'm walking now. knee and back hurts, tired.. a migraine starts. by the time the evening comes around, i'm exhausted and in too much pain to get to sleep. i'm grouchy, bitchy and i have to start it all over the next day.
sleeping pills don't work for shit. and besides, i can't take them with any pain killers i might have. just.. fuck. i can't figure out how to kill this cycle.. i'm eating.. maybe a meal a day.. its just.. too tired, too much pain that i dont remember to eat. i'm not hungry..
...what the hell am i going to do....