ranting beware
Well I have to say, being without money is definitely stressful. It wasn't before when I wasn't getting a check. But now it is. How strange is that?
I got my surgery done last tuesday and they didn't find anything. that really bums me out because now.. what the hell am i going to do? i'm going to physical therapy now because my leg isn't working right and.. you know, come to think of it.. if they didn't find anything wrong with my knee.. why is it such a pain in the ass now?
god
so not only do i have MRI bills, X ray bills, surgery bills... copays.. not to mention a bill for having to get a tetanus shot (for jabbing my foot into a carpet nail) AND any other bills they decide to pop up with...
just wait. they'd give me a bill for an IV if they could. OH and a bill from the guy who gets to knock me out before surgery and monitor be during. that's a seperate bill too. luckily, me and my dad are splitting the bills since i'm on his insurance and kinda still dependent on him.
but i guess that's what you get for working 25 hours a week..
oh wait. thats because the job i have is too hard on my knee..
oh wait. nothings supposedly "wrong" with my knee in the first place.
other then the tracking of my knee cap is off and grinding against my thigh bone. but i guess that doesn't count since they can't DO ANYTHING about it.
ugh
the next paycheck i get is on the 29th. it should be about .. oh.. 60 bucks since that last paycheck i got covered up until the last two days before i had to take time off...
and that was suppose to be for two weeks. i was suppose to go back on monday but my therapist told me because of the heavy duty work that i do, i need to take an EXTRA week off to strengthen my leg.
so.. that said.. i don't go back until the 2 of next month.. then i don't get paid until the 13th. and that's only half a paycheck. the next FULL paycheck i get isn't until the 27th of next month. how horrible is that?
ON THE GOODSIDE OF LIFE
i got a leather jacket. vintage 1970's. from the UK. how cool is that? it's hot! awesome condition too. i don't even care if its not vintage because i'm in love with it. i paid like.. 35 bucks for it. i'm not going to tell how much the shipping was though. but i guess when you love something that much, it doesn't matter the cost.
john and are i doing good. 4 years and 7 months. how crazy is that? man, i remember when you all didn't think we'd last more then a few weeks! or when lovely tyler was trying to steal him from me. (hehe that was sure interesting) or BILL! you bastard. telling john all my secrets before i got to tell him. if i could stick my tongue out at you, i would. ... but i can't. cuz.. you wouldn't see it. but the thought's there right? but then i guess you can't shoulder all the blame. allishia was your accomplice as well. but that's an entirely different matter all unto itself.
karma is karma and it will do as it will.
i really want to move out. i need to move out. i want to see the world, even if i have to hitchhike all the way. lol or donate an egg or two. i'm not needing them anytime soon and hey, a month of dealing with feminine problems is definitely worth 5 to 10 THOUSAND dollars. all expenses paid.
wow that sure sounded like a marketing move
i don't know what i want to do with my life. should i go back to school? keep working? donate eggs until i want to keep the last ones? i mean, shit.. how am i suppose to know all this? i want to go to concerts, meet new people, buy clothes from someplace other then ross and goodwill for once. without having to pull pennies together so i can cover the last few dollars.
i want to wake up and see my boyfriend next to me. not a pillow and some posters that fell down at some point. i want to leave the dishes in the sink at night and not worry about being yelled at because i didn't clean them up right then and there. i hate being ridiculed and criticized by people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. i hate the fact then when i screw up, the thing i'm worried about most is how they're going to react. even if they don't need to know about it. i keep telling myself "you're an adult. stand up for yourself!" but.. how do you do that when your mind shuts off when they raise their voice at you... or that you're afraid you're going to lose them, just like so many other people you've lost.
i've lost a mother in this whole thing. sure.. we still talk. but she forgets to call me back.. or just simply ignores me when i need something of her. she calls me.. not even once a month. and when she does, she tells me that she cries at night, that she misses me.
how do you get a person to understand... everything they need to understand?
or how do you take the advice of someone who doesn't even follow it herself?
my mom tells me all these things that i need to do so i won't be like her and end up with a life like hers. she sounds like she's ruined her life and there's no going back .. like she's sick or somethings wrong. she's coughed during every phone call for the past few months.. and i ask her is she's okay and she says "yeah.. i'm fine. just allergies or something."
how do you forgive a mother for forgetting your birthday?
or withholding money you received over five years ago.. just because she doesn't want to give it to you until you move out? i have bills i need to pay and i'm without a paycheck and its my money. how do you know she's telling you the truth when she says she didn't spend it?
i was having difficulties in school with some boys when i was in middle school... i went to my mom and tried to ask for help and she asked if i reported it.. well of course i didn't. how could i get the principle to believe me, a new comer, about a kid who everyone loved and worshiped? she told me that it was my fault for not reporting it. that she cant do anything about it. that it's my fault.
in some ways, i understand what she was telling me. but i didn't need that kind of advice. i needed the kind of advice that a mom tells her daughter when something like that happens. that is was alright. that you're not a bad kid. that you didn't deserve it, that they were wrong.
i guess ... sometimes you just have to trust in yourself and believe that you really aren't that bad since no one else is going to tell you that.
does that make me a needy person? someone with low confidence and self worth because i need to hear from those i love that .. i'm okay. that i'm going to be alright?
or what do you do with a mom who tells you "its just a phase. you just want the attention" after you are released from the suicide ward.
i think she was scared, that she didn't want to admit that her own daughter was having problems. that she might not have been a good enough mother. the one thing i remember about my mom is how she always wanted to make sure i didn't end up with a life like hers...
i think she doesn't call me that much because she doesn't want to remember that i'm not with her. that i'm 2000 miles away because she decided she wanted to leave here. leave me.
but you know what, fuck it. i don't want to rationalize for a grown woman. i dont want to make excuses for someone who isn't going to take the time to see how their "loved ones" are doing. I'm sick and tired of doing things just because i want to make them happy. its about time i be happy for myself.
it's about time that i take control of my life and leave those behind that aren't there for me. i dont need the extra weight. i wont carry someone else's burdens.
I got my surgery done last tuesday and they didn't find anything. that really bums me out because now.. what the hell am i going to do? i'm going to physical therapy now because my leg isn't working right and.. you know, come to think of it.. if they didn't find anything wrong with my knee.. why is it such a pain in the ass now?
god
so not only do i have MRI bills, X ray bills, surgery bills... copays.. not to mention a bill for having to get a tetanus shot (for jabbing my foot into a carpet nail) AND any other bills they decide to pop up with...
just wait. they'd give me a bill for an IV if they could. OH and a bill from the guy who gets to knock me out before surgery and monitor be during. that's a seperate bill too. luckily, me and my dad are splitting the bills since i'm on his insurance and kinda still dependent on him.
but i guess that's what you get for working 25 hours a week..
oh wait. thats because the job i have is too hard on my knee..
oh wait. nothings supposedly "wrong" with my knee in the first place.
other then the tracking of my knee cap is off and grinding against my thigh bone. but i guess that doesn't count since they can't DO ANYTHING about it.
ugh
the next paycheck i get is on the 29th. it should be about .. oh.. 60 bucks since that last paycheck i got covered up until the last two days before i had to take time off...
and that was suppose to be for two weeks. i was suppose to go back on monday but my therapist told me because of the heavy duty work that i do, i need to take an EXTRA week off to strengthen my leg.
so.. that said.. i don't go back until the 2 of next month.. then i don't get paid until the 13th. and that's only half a paycheck. the next FULL paycheck i get isn't until the 27th of next month. how horrible is that?
ON THE GOODSIDE OF LIFE
i got a leather jacket. vintage 1970's. from the UK. how cool is that? it's hot! awesome condition too. i don't even care if its not vintage because i'm in love with it. i paid like.. 35 bucks for it. i'm not going to tell how much the shipping was though. but i guess when you love something that much, it doesn't matter the cost.
john and are i doing good. 4 years and 7 months. how crazy is that? man, i remember when you all didn't think we'd last more then a few weeks! or when lovely tyler was trying to steal him from me. (hehe that was sure interesting) or BILL! you bastard. telling john all my secrets before i got to tell him. if i could stick my tongue out at you, i would. ... but i can't. cuz.. you wouldn't see it. but the thought's there right? but then i guess you can't shoulder all the blame. allishia was your accomplice as well. but that's an entirely different matter all unto itself.
karma is karma and it will do as it will.
i really want to move out. i need to move out. i want to see the world, even if i have to hitchhike all the way. lol or donate an egg or two. i'm not needing them anytime soon and hey, a month of dealing with feminine problems is definitely worth 5 to 10 THOUSAND dollars. all expenses paid.
wow that sure sounded like a marketing move
i don't know what i want to do with my life. should i go back to school? keep working? donate eggs until i want to keep the last ones? i mean, shit.. how am i suppose to know all this? i want to go to concerts, meet new people, buy clothes from someplace other then ross and goodwill for once. without having to pull pennies together so i can cover the last few dollars.
i want to wake up and see my boyfriend next to me. not a pillow and some posters that fell down at some point. i want to leave the dishes in the sink at night and not worry about being yelled at because i didn't clean them up right then and there. i hate being ridiculed and criticized by people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. i hate the fact then when i screw up, the thing i'm worried about most is how they're going to react. even if they don't need to know about it. i keep telling myself "you're an adult. stand up for yourself!" but.. how do you do that when your mind shuts off when they raise their voice at you... or that you're afraid you're going to lose them, just like so many other people you've lost.
i've lost a mother in this whole thing. sure.. we still talk. but she forgets to call me back.. or just simply ignores me when i need something of her. she calls me.. not even once a month. and when she does, she tells me that she cries at night, that she misses me.
how do you get a person to understand... everything they need to understand?
or how do you take the advice of someone who doesn't even follow it herself?
my mom tells me all these things that i need to do so i won't be like her and end up with a life like hers. she sounds like she's ruined her life and there's no going back .. like she's sick or somethings wrong. she's coughed during every phone call for the past few months.. and i ask her is she's okay and she says "yeah.. i'm fine. just allergies or something."
how do you forgive a mother for forgetting your birthday?
or withholding money you received over five years ago.. just because she doesn't want to give it to you until you move out? i have bills i need to pay and i'm without a paycheck and its my money. how do you know she's telling you the truth when she says she didn't spend it?
i was having difficulties in school with some boys when i was in middle school... i went to my mom and tried to ask for help and she asked if i reported it.. well of course i didn't. how could i get the principle to believe me, a new comer, about a kid who everyone loved and worshiped? she told me that it was my fault for not reporting it. that she cant do anything about it. that it's my fault.
in some ways, i understand what she was telling me. but i didn't need that kind of advice. i needed the kind of advice that a mom tells her daughter when something like that happens. that is was alright. that you're not a bad kid. that you didn't deserve it, that they were wrong.
i guess ... sometimes you just have to trust in yourself and believe that you really aren't that bad since no one else is going to tell you that.
does that make me a needy person? someone with low confidence and self worth because i need to hear from those i love that .. i'm okay. that i'm going to be alright?
or what do you do with a mom who tells you "its just a phase. you just want the attention" after you are released from the suicide ward.
i think she was scared, that she didn't want to admit that her own daughter was having problems. that she might not have been a good enough mother. the one thing i remember about my mom is how she always wanted to make sure i didn't end up with a life like hers...
i think she doesn't call me that much because she doesn't want to remember that i'm not with her. that i'm 2000 miles away because she decided she wanted to leave here. leave me.
but you know what, fuck it. i don't want to rationalize for a grown woman. i dont want to make excuses for someone who isn't going to take the time to see how their "loved ones" are doing. I'm sick and tired of doing things just because i want to make them happy. its about time i be happy for myself.
it's about time that i take control of my life and leave those behind that aren't there for me. i dont need the extra weight. i wont carry someone else's burdens.