let it out
this one may be a bit lengthy. im not sure yet, cuz im typing this up straight from my journal i have been keeping lately. i need to leave some parts out though, in safety of the person they are about and all. so, well, here it goes....
8/11/04
I dont know, things just seem so blurry lately. Arguments with friends, lies, deceit, yelling, crying, pain, just a lot of stuff. Barely anyone calls, IMs, comes over, or anything. Lately, ive just been confined to my house and my thoughts...and im not even grounded. At church, none of my friends show up there anymore(except for drew and jeremy but we dont talk much..except when we practice and stuff). I feel like i chased everyone away. i DID chase everyone away. 3 people have left the church cuz of my opinions on PDA in church and another hasnt been coming lately, and i have a gut feeling its cuz her boyfriend quit coming..but then again, im never right about anything...
Ive been really worried about one of my friends lately. He showed up at my door last sunday night, barefoot and crying. He ran out of his house to mine, because his sister beat him. He had a bruise on one arm and a cut on the other. I let him wear my vans and we went out walking. we went to alisons and talked to her for a bit. we left and started heading for home. when we got to his street, we saw his dads car in the driveway so he was home. his dad discovered he was gone and called my house and my parents saw i was gone too and my mom went out looking for me. The whole time i was with him, i was fighting back tears, after i left his house, i broke down crying. I knew his dad was going to beat him and there was nothing i could do about it. i walked into my house, still crying and my dad was up. we waited for my mom to get in and i explained everything. my parents said that our home is open to any of my friends who face abuse. i didnt get grounded or anything. i went to sleep and woke up the next morning to my friend calling me. He said that his dad did beat him and he now has welts on his arms. He isnt allowed to talk to me anymore(but he aint gonna follow that one) and he is grounded for a month. i havent talked to him much since, but i do know that he is at his moms this weekend which is good. i dont know what i can do or say on my part to help him out. i honestly dont. and ive been worrying about him ever since he told me he gets abused. ive been keeping him in my prayers ever since.
A friend who i literally consider as the sister i never had, ive known her since we were in diapers. She is choosing to resort to anorexia as a solution to get skinny. Ive been worrying about her too, because that is something that can kill you. I have tried to tell my mom about it, but she is hardly ever home and i have no one else that knows her to tell. I dont want her to ruin herself. I want the best for all my friends and for all of them to be in good health....but lately it doesnt seem that way.
Ive been worrying about a lot of my friends lately. All of my friends seem to be depressed lately and in turn, its saddening me. I dont know what i can do or what i can say. Its all so confusing. I just need someone i can relate to and let everything out to. It seems like nobody will listen to me lately. I feel so alone, yet im not, because God is there. He always is and forever will be. Fights between friends has torn me into tiny pieces. I fel like im holding back and that i just need to let everything out. My parents never listen to me,a nd my friends are rarely ever around these days to listen to me, so i am trapped and confined to my thoughts and writing. I feel like im falling away from God and I dont know how to get back. The TNT lesson the other night got to me. I AM doubting a little right now. I DO believe, and forever will, but lately so many things are happening to trigger many thoughts and doubts about things in my mind. If just ONE friend, ONE person came along that i could tell everything to and get advice as to how i can help, i might be a little better. Ive been having this ongoing, repetitive dream lately that really scares me. In it, all of my friends, all of my family, all of the people i have ever talked to, died by some means, murder,suicide, fire, car accident, all of it. and i would wak up and cry because id get so scared. i havent been sleeping well lately and im scared to fall asleep because of the dream....i dont want to see it again....
8/15/04
yep, still been having the dreams.....ugh....*sigh* i feel like NOTHING is mine anymore like i have NO control over anything in my life. My sister takes things from my room and wears them or uses them, yet when i accidently get her socks in my pile and i wear them, i get yelled at, yet she wears my belts, and my socks too. My brother and sister are allowed to do stuff even im not allowed to and im the oldest!!!My sister can go out until midnight , yet i have to be in by 930 and ven my parents said that im the one that has the good judgment and that emily would give in to certain pressures. I feel like nothing i ever do is good enough and that i am expected to be perfect.I can literally clean my house to the best of my ability and my mom would come home and immediately try to find fault with what ive done. She always does and always has. Anything i do, she finds fault with. My parents have been wondering lately though, because I have been keeping to myself lately, doing what ive been told, and doing cleaning on my own will. It all goes back to the fact that no one is ever home anymore. I have nothing better to do but clean. Ive mentioned to my friends that i still do exist and all. One told me to quit getting down on myself and all. How can i when no one notices me anymore, and i feel so alone?!?!?! i literally do nothing at my house but clean because ther is nothing to do.
My grandparents, my aunt and uncle and cousin are up here for the week. Its their first day here and already they have succeeded in making me feel unwelcome in my own home(im glad they are at the hotel now) i mean, i love them to death, but i do things at my own pace and they get on my tail about it and everything, telling me how i need to run my life and all. I was going to have a few oreos, cuz i hadnt had anything all day, but my grandma tol dme to ask my mom, so i did and i got the big NO. So here i am, with no food in my stomach . Its almost like my mom WANTS me to be a little anorexic stick. She will probably succeed in it soon enough because food seems to be the only thing i have control over and i have very little control over that as it is.
This is just a portion of what has been going on. Like i said, i needed to leave some things out.....*sigh* this will have to do for now...i gotta go...later days...
8/11/04
I dont know, things just seem so blurry lately. Arguments with friends, lies, deceit, yelling, crying, pain, just a lot of stuff. Barely anyone calls, IMs, comes over, or anything. Lately, ive just been confined to my house and my thoughts...and im not even grounded. At church, none of my friends show up there anymore(except for drew and jeremy but we dont talk much..except when we practice and stuff). I feel like i chased everyone away. i DID chase everyone away. 3 people have left the church cuz of my opinions on PDA in church and another hasnt been coming lately, and i have a gut feeling its cuz her boyfriend quit coming..but then again, im never right about anything...
Ive been really worried about one of my friends lately. He showed up at my door last sunday night, barefoot and crying. He ran out of his house to mine, because his sister beat him. He had a bruise on one arm and a cut on the other. I let him wear my vans and we went out walking. we went to alisons and talked to her for a bit. we left and started heading for home. when we got to his street, we saw his dads car in the driveway so he was home. his dad discovered he was gone and called my house and my parents saw i was gone too and my mom went out looking for me. The whole time i was with him, i was fighting back tears, after i left his house, i broke down crying. I knew his dad was going to beat him and there was nothing i could do about it. i walked into my house, still crying and my dad was up. we waited for my mom to get in and i explained everything. my parents said that our home is open to any of my friends who face abuse. i didnt get grounded or anything. i went to sleep and woke up the next morning to my friend calling me. He said that his dad did beat him and he now has welts on his arms. He isnt allowed to talk to me anymore(but he aint gonna follow that one) and he is grounded for a month. i havent talked to him much since, but i do know that he is at his moms this weekend which is good. i dont know what i can do or say on my part to help him out. i honestly dont. and ive been worrying about him ever since he told me he gets abused. ive been keeping him in my prayers ever since.
A friend who i literally consider as the sister i never had, ive known her since we were in diapers. She is choosing to resort to anorexia as a solution to get skinny. Ive been worrying about her too, because that is something that can kill you. I have tried to tell my mom about it, but she is hardly ever home and i have no one else that knows her to tell. I dont want her to ruin herself. I want the best for all my friends and for all of them to be in good health....but lately it doesnt seem that way.
Ive been worrying about a lot of my friends lately. All of my friends seem to be depressed lately and in turn, its saddening me. I dont know what i can do or what i can say. Its all so confusing. I just need someone i can relate to and let everything out to. It seems like nobody will listen to me lately. I feel so alone, yet im not, because God is there. He always is and forever will be. Fights between friends has torn me into tiny pieces. I fel like im holding back and that i just need to let everything out. My parents never listen to me,a nd my friends are rarely ever around these days to listen to me, so i am trapped and confined to my thoughts and writing. I feel like im falling away from God and I dont know how to get back. The TNT lesson the other night got to me. I AM doubting a little right now. I DO believe, and forever will, but lately so many things are happening to trigger many thoughts and doubts about things in my mind. If just ONE friend, ONE person came along that i could tell everything to and get advice as to how i can help, i might be a little better. Ive been having this ongoing, repetitive dream lately that really scares me. In it, all of my friends, all of my family, all of the people i have ever talked to, died by some means, murder,suicide, fire, car accident, all of it. and i would wak up and cry because id get so scared. i havent been sleeping well lately and im scared to fall asleep because of the dream....i dont want to see it again....
8/15/04
yep, still been having the dreams.....ugh....*sigh* i feel like NOTHING is mine anymore like i have NO control over anything in my life. My sister takes things from my room and wears them or uses them, yet when i accidently get her socks in my pile and i wear them, i get yelled at, yet she wears my belts, and my socks too. My brother and sister are allowed to do stuff even im not allowed to and im the oldest!!!My sister can go out until midnight , yet i have to be in by 930 and ven my parents said that im the one that has the good judgment and that emily would give in to certain pressures. I feel like nothing i ever do is good enough and that i am expected to be perfect.I can literally clean my house to the best of my ability and my mom would come home and immediately try to find fault with what ive done. She always does and always has. Anything i do, she finds fault with. My parents have been wondering lately though, because I have been keeping to myself lately, doing what ive been told, and doing cleaning on my own will. It all goes back to the fact that no one is ever home anymore. I have nothing better to do but clean. Ive mentioned to my friends that i still do exist and all. One told me to quit getting down on myself and all. How can i when no one notices me anymore, and i feel so alone?!?!?! i literally do nothing at my house but clean because ther is nothing to do.
My grandparents, my aunt and uncle and cousin are up here for the week. Its their first day here and already they have succeeded in making me feel unwelcome in my own home(im glad they are at the hotel now) i mean, i love them to death, but i do things at my own pace and they get on my tail about it and everything, telling me how i need to run my life and all. I was going to have a few oreos, cuz i hadnt had anything all day, but my grandma tol dme to ask my mom, so i did and i got the big NO. So here i am, with no food in my stomach . Its almost like my mom WANTS me to be a little anorexic stick. She will probably succeed in it soon enough because food seems to be the only thing i have control over and i have very little control over that as it is.
This is just a portion of what has been going on. Like i said, i needed to leave some things out.....*sigh* this will have to do for now...i gotta go...later days...