Shit's fucked up, dawg.
For the past two weeks I've been under this subconscious hypnosis. Kind of like a soul-searching but it has a lot to do with my mind too. It just happened--I've been going on like normal, got home from the best Chitown vacation ever, moved out, started back at CH, worked a 40 hour week. But it all happened with me kind of sitting in the back seat, being all introspective and objective and subjective at the same time. I have also been in a deep depression the last two weeks, but you wouldn't be able to tell from looking at me, unless you knew me well. I'm good at faking. And that's what I've pretty much been doing ever since Chris got back. Faking.
Last night I made the decision to leave him.
There is so much I want to do that he doesn't want to do. There is so much about me that he can't stand and complains about. There are just SO many justifications for this because I have rationalized it down to the fact that we just aren't going to make it. I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I miss me. And if I miss me, I can't even begin to imagine what my friends and family think. I love them so much and I would do anything for them, but I have to do this for me first. I'm too numb. I can't cry about this, but I do cry because of what the whole thing has done to me. For once I'm going to be all about me for real, because I have to in order to save my sanity.
~*~
Last night I made the decision to leave him.
There is so much I want to do that he doesn't want to do. There is so much about me that he can't stand and complains about. There are just SO many justifications for this because I have rationalized it down to the fact that we just aren't going to make it. I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I miss me. And if I miss me, I can't even begin to imagine what my friends and family think. I love them so much and I would do anything for them, but I have to do this for me first. I'm too numb. I can't cry about this, but I do cry because of what the whole thing has done to me. For once I'm going to be all about me for real, because I have to in order to save my sanity.
~*~