Lemonade vs. Seven-Inch Blade
Life gave me a melon today.
Well, actually, several melons ... made of knives ... and dropped from
the top of the empire state building onto my unsuspecting head.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't that bad, but yeah, it sucked.
.....
8:30a.m. - Tired as hell, Tom stumbles down from his loft, prepares for a happy, ordinary day. Shortly thereafter he makes his way to a typical 9:30 Educational Psychology.
9:45p.m. - Tom is reminded by prof. Kelly that the first exam of the course will be given Friday of this week. Tom realizes this is no happy ordinary day.
10:45a.m. - Tom returns to 732 Stanley, chats for a bit with roommate, Scott (who had just spent his two morning classes unconscious in a warm bed), and heads off to the usual 11:30 Geology.
11:00 a.m. -A basket of popcorn chicken begins to grow cold.
12:00 noon - Tom is reminded by prof. Heckel that an announced quiz as denoted on the syllabus will begin shortly.
Meanwhile, in Tom’s desk: A syllabus entitled “Introduction to Geology” sits untouched … laughing in Times New Roman.
The quiz is to cover soils, the single area of geology Tom cannot stand. Students are given ten minutes to review their weathering handouts (hanging out with the syllabus) and their very informative soils type charts (give you two guesses …). Tom bashes his head upon the desk repeatedly before handing in a mostly blank page.
12:35p.m. - Tom receives a call from his parents in Ames while purchasing some delicious popcorn chicken for lunch. They are wondering if there’s any word as to what’s going on with his student loans. A notice has arrived from the federal government saying that two $1700 checks were sent out on August 13, 2004. Tom has received no checks. It was September 13 exactly one week ago. A guy named Pom Tarham from somewhere in Louisiana endorses two checks.
12:45p.m. - Tom’s chicken is cold and soggy. His mood chills to match
1:15p.m. - Tom receives a call from the Nevada, Iowa post office saying that the paperwork for his $70 insurance claim (filed in June) has been lost. Threatening of the postal worker’s life and family persuade him to file new paperwork before the turn of the hour. The grass under Tom’s feet wilts and dies.
1:30p.m. - Quite prepared this time, Tom signs his name at the top of a quiz in his 1:30 Age of Dinosaurs course. The quiz is a joke. Thinking himself quite smart, Tom even ventures a guess on the bonus question, noting that the connection between all species of fish mentioned on the test is that those whose names begin with vowels have bony skeletons while those that begin with consonants are cartilaginous. Tom grins. Prof. Brochu announces the answer to the bonus question was that all species were featured in the B-52’s song “Rock Lobster.” What the fuck?!
2:30pm. - Tom sees classmate Leslie walking about campus, is reminded that there are massive amounts of preparation yet undone for writing seminar tomorrow. Realizes that homework + study for Ed. Psych test = no time to “hang out” with girlfriend. Tom punches things.
3:30p.m. - Tom does NOT work at the IMU Storeroom. Tom smiles, then remembers he must cancel with girlfriend. Tom frowns.
4:00p.m. - Tom goes to check mail for the Xbox he purchased a week ago. Instead, he finds a bank card he had been eagerly anticipating. Instead of the specified picture of the grand canyon, however, the card was emblazoned with a pastel rainbow. Tom does not feel sunny at all. A box of kittens falls from an airplane over Disneyland.
After further inquiry, it is discovered that the Xbox and another package are missing because the address given to the senders by Tom’s EBAY account listed no name nor room number. It will take at least a week to get them back.
5:30p.m. - Tom Parham logs on to livejournal.com, pounding the keys with fury.
Pom Tarham spends his newfound wealth on 11,333 Wendy’s crispy chicken nuggets.
…..
If life tries to hand you a lemon, stab him in the eye and run like hell.
EHND!
Okay, so maybe it wasn't that bad, but yeah, it sucked.
.....
8:30a.m. - Tired as hell, Tom stumbles down from his loft, prepares for a happy, ordinary day. Shortly thereafter he makes his way to a typical 9:30 Educational Psychology.
9:45p.m. - Tom is reminded by prof. Kelly that the first exam of the course will be given Friday of this week. Tom realizes this is no happy ordinary day.
10:45a.m. - Tom returns to 732 Stanley, chats for a bit with roommate, Scott (who had just spent his two morning classes unconscious in a warm bed), and heads off to the usual 11:30 Geology.
11:00 a.m. -A basket of popcorn chicken begins to grow cold.
12:00 noon - Tom is reminded by prof. Heckel that an announced quiz as denoted on the syllabus will begin shortly.
Meanwhile, in Tom’s desk: A syllabus entitled “Introduction to Geology” sits untouched … laughing in Times New Roman.
The quiz is to cover soils, the single area of geology Tom cannot stand. Students are given ten minutes to review their weathering handouts (hanging out with the syllabus) and their very informative soils type charts (give you two guesses …). Tom bashes his head upon the desk repeatedly before handing in a mostly blank page.
12:35p.m. - Tom receives a call from his parents in Ames while purchasing some delicious popcorn chicken for lunch. They are wondering if there’s any word as to what’s going on with his student loans. A notice has arrived from the federal government saying that two $1700 checks were sent out on August 13, 2004. Tom has received no checks. It was September 13 exactly one week ago. A guy named Pom Tarham from somewhere in Louisiana endorses two checks.
12:45p.m. - Tom’s chicken is cold and soggy. His mood chills to match
1:15p.m. - Tom receives a call from the Nevada, Iowa post office saying that the paperwork for his $70 insurance claim (filed in June) has been lost. Threatening of the postal worker’s life and family persuade him to file new paperwork before the turn of the hour. The grass under Tom’s feet wilts and dies.
1:30p.m. - Quite prepared this time, Tom signs his name at the top of a quiz in his 1:30 Age of Dinosaurs course. The quiz is a joke. Thinking himself quite smart, Tom even ventures a guess on the bonus question, noting that the connection between all species of fish mentioned on the test is that those whose names begin with vowels have bony skeletons while those that begin with consonants are cartilaginous. Tom grins. Prof. Brochu announces the answer to the bonus question was that all species were featured in the B-52’s song “Rock Lobster.” What the fuck?!
2:30pm. - Tom sees classmate Leslie walking about campus, is reminded that there are massive amounts of preparation yet undone for writing seminar tomorrow. Realizes that homework + study for Ed. Psych test = no time to “hang out” with girlfriend. Tom punches things.
3:30p.m. - Tom does NOT work at the IMU Storeroom. Tom smiles, then remembers he must cancel with girlfriend. Tom frowns.
4:00p.m. - Tom goes to check mail for the Xbox he purchased a week ago. Instead, he finds a bank card he had been eagerly anticipating. Instead of the specified picture of the grand canyon, however, the card was emblazoned with a pastel rainbow. Tom does not feel sunny at all. A box of kittens falls from an airplane over Disneyland.
After further inquiry, it is discovered that the Xbox and another package are missing because the address given to the senders by Tom’s EBAY account listed no name nor room number. It will take at least a week to get them back.
5:30p.m. - Tom Parham logs on to livejournal.com, pounding the keys with fury.
Pom Tarham spends his newfound wealth on 11,333 Wendy’s crispy chicken nuggets.
…..
If life tries to hand you a lemon, stab him in the eye and run like hell.
EHND!