If this makes sense to you, you might have OCD (Not really)
When I was younger, I believed that if you had a nightmare and talked about the nightmare before the morning it would come true. To an extent I think I still believe this. I don't like talking about my nightmares and I don't like talking about the bad things in my life mostly because talking about them is acknowledging their existence. To me, voicing what is making me upset is just giving it life and I feel more in control of a situation if I hold it in and don't talk about it.
I noticed this recently while looking over other friends' journals. There are many people that don't seem to have a problem with voicing their pain. And my Livejournal is filled with the silliest most unimportant nonsense ever. And it's not that I don't have bad things that happen in my life. I just don't like talking about them till they are resolved and depending on what it is, I may or may not remember to post about it. My dad being ill that one day, I remembered that. I needed to write about that because that held a great emotional baggage that I needed to purge once it had resolved. But I could never write about that when I didn't know for sure if he would be okay. It sounds silly but if something had happened, if he really had been sick, I would have felt somewhat responsible because I jinxed it somehow by talking about it.
Same thing happened late last month. For weeks I was stressing out because of my work. I had a meeting with my supervisor and the department director and no one was telling me what the meeting was about. Which is odd because if it was something pertaining to my work, generally they tell me what it's about. So, because I didn't know, my mind went haywire. I was thinking I was going to get fired. That they found something in my notes that was worth firing me over. That I opened my mouth too much and someone complained about something I said. I had actually began to plan about what I would do if I got fired: How I would pay for my car, my student loans and other bills. But I didn't say anything.
In the end if wasn't much mostly they wanted to tell me people complained because my cat is a bastard and once or twice marked my purse, my clothes and I didn't notice till AFTER coming into work. So, they wanted to make sure I dealt with that. I wasn't fired or anything.
Generally I am a catastrophizer. (It's a real word! Psychologist came up with it.) I am positive as hell generally and an optimisit with most things but when it comes to big things that I don't know how they will turn out, my brain comes up with the worst case scenerios for that particular situation. And to combat it, I just don't talk about it. I don't want to give it life. And I know this bugs one person in particular who thinks I "keep secrets" from him. It's not secrets. If anything it's a defense mechanism. It's a weird one but eh, it's what I do.
So, for future reference: if I don't want to talk to you about something, it's not personal. It's mostly because I'm so worried that I feel like talking about it will give it a life of it's own.
I noticed this recently while looking over other friends' journals. There are many people that don't seem to have a problem with voicing their pain. And my Livejournal is filled with the silliest most unimportant nonsense ever. And it's not that I don't have bad things that happen in my life. I just don't like talking about them till they are resolved and depending on what it is, I may or may not remember to post about it. My dad being ill that one day, I remembered that. I needed to write about that because that held a great emotional baggage that I needed to purge once it had resolved. But I could never write about that when I didn't know for sure if he would be okay. It sounds silly but if something had happened, if he really had been sick, I would have felt somewhat responsible because I jinxed it somehow by talking about it.
Same thing happened late last month. For weeks I was stressing out because of my work. I had a meeting with my supervisor and the department director and no one was telling me what the meeting was about. Which is odd because if it was something pertaining to my work, generally they tell me what it's about. So, because I didn't know, my mind went haywire. I was thinking I was going to get fired. That they found something in my notes that was worth firing me over. That I opened my mouth too much and someone complained about something I said. I had actually began to plan about what I would do if I got fired: How I would pay for my car, my student loans and other bills. But I didn't say anything.
In the end if wasn't much mostly they wanted to tell me people complained because my cat is a bastard and once or twice marked my purse, my clothes and I didn't notice till AFTER coming into work. So, they wanted to make sure I dealt with that. I wasn't fired or anything.
Generally I am a catastrophizer. (It's a real word! Psychologist came up with it.) I am positive as hell generally and an optimisit with most things but when it comes to big things that I don't know how they will turn out, my brain comes up with the worst case scenerios for that particular situation. And to combat it, I just don't talk about it. I don't want to give it life. And I know this bugs one person in particular who thinks I "keep secrets" from him. It's not secrets. If anything it's a defense mechanism. It's a weird one but eh, it's what I do.
So, for future reference: if I don't want to talk to you about something, it's not personal. It's mostly because I'm so worried that I feel like talking about it will give it a life of it's own.