Update/Calmed Down Some
So me and Jesus, we’re ok. I mean not great, but ok. He makes it kind of hard to stay mad at him. First of all you are guaranteed to be wrong. Plus you can’t just storm out and slam the door behind you. I mean you could, but he’ll still be there. He’s kinda like the money you could be saving with Geico, always there. It’s like trying to stay mad at a best friend who has taken a bullet for you, feeds you daily, and may be carrying your child. There’s just no walking away.
Jesus is doing crap in me and it’s exhausting.
God, Are you sure I’m not perfect yet? At least close enough for this decade? No? Ok. *clenches eyes in fear and raises arms in surrender* Do your worst/best.
The main indicator of this crap Jesus is doing in me is crying at church. Now keep in mind I cry at long distance commercials. I also have a pretty strong background in depression and its symptoms. This is not depression. I am not lethargic. I am fully functional and thriving in many areas of my life. I made cobbler without binge eating as my ultimate goal.
Get me in a church though and I am going to cry. I may wait till we are leaving, until we get to El Chico, or I may start before we get in the door. It really sucks. I miss wearing eyeliner successfully. Sometimes I can pinpoint why I am crying.
I really miss being thiscloseto Jesus. I don’t remember how we got that close, so I don’t know how to get back there. I am pretty sure he did all the work the first time and maybe now he wants me to step up. Other times I am so mad at Jesus I can’t even stand to look at him. This makes going to Church feel like brunch with your cheating ex and everyone you both know. Some days it’s just a song that I really like, or a song I really don’t like, and sometimes I just find myself welling up for no reason I can discern.
I decided that it was the Church we’ve been going too. We basically decided we were done with them, not going back, moving on. A few days later Jesus told me flat out that not only am I not allowed to give up on this Church I have to start getting involved and giving them a real chance. “Fix it, if you care so damned much” he quoted back to me. (Yes he said damn.) Then he pointed out that if I’m not cultivating the soil I can’t really judge the seeds being thrown at it too harshly.
So have I cultivated the soil this week? Well sort of. I’ve done a lot or praying and crying and a bit of fasting. These were all circumstantial though. I can say for sure I would not have cried or prayed as much and certainly wouldn’t be fasting at all if I hadn’t been completely desperate. I’m still mad too. I anticipate a lot of yelling in our future, but I suppose yelling is still technically praying.
Jesus is doing crap in me and it’s exhausting.
God, Are you sure I’m not perfect yet? At least close enough for this decade? No? Ok. *clenches eyes in fear and raises arms in surrender* Do your worst/best.
The main indicator of this crap Jesus is doing in me is crying at church. Now keep in mind I cry at long distance commercials. I also have a pretty strong background in depression and its symptoms. This is not depression. I am not lethargic. I am fully functional and thriving in many areas of my life. I made cobbler without binge eating as my ultimate goal.
Get me in a church though and I am going to cry. I may wait till we are leaving, until we get to El Chico, or I may start before we get in the door. It really sucks. I miss wearing eyeliner successfully. Sometimes I can pinpoint why I am crying.
I really miss being thiscloseto Jesus. I don’t remember how we got that close, so I don’t know how to get back there. I am pretty sure he did all the work the first time and maybe now he wants me to step up. Other times I am so mad at Jesus I can’t even stand to look at him. This makes going to Church feel like brunch with your cheating ex and everyone you both know. Some days it’s just a song that I really like, or a song I really don’t like, and sometimes I just find myself welling up for no reason I can discern.
I decided that it was the Church we’ve been going too. We basically decided we were done with them, not going back, moving on. A few days later Jesus told me flat out that not only am I not allowed to give up on this Church I have to start getting involved and giving them a real chance. “Fix it, if you care so damned much” he quoted back to me. (Yes he said damn.) Then he pointed out that if I’m not cultivating the soil I can’t really judge the seeds being thrown at it too harshly.
So have I cultivated the soil this week? Well sort of. I’ve done a lot or praying and crying and a bit of fasting. These were all circumstantial though. I can say for sure I would not have cried or prayed as much and certainly wouldn’t be fasting at all if I hadn’t been completely desperate. I’m still mad too. I anticipate a lot of yelling in our future, but I suppose yelling is still technically praying.