Life and stuff
even though I am pretty sure there is not many people who come by here any more, I thought maybe it was time for an update. So where to begin?
Well, first off, my Girlfriend and I are still together, and I think our relationship is growing stronger, but it's hard for us because we live far apart from each other. It's okay though because I am sure we can make things continue to work out. We will be attending Anime Revolution together in 10 days so I am really looking forward to that! Honestly, she is pretty much my only source of Happiness right now. I just love being able to spend time with her when I can! She means the world to me!
Anyway, other stuff. Well, my Nana passed away in June. I don't think I've exactly come to terms with her death yet ... but I'm sure it will happen. I do find myself missing her a lot though. It feels so strange to have no grandparents left. I know it's part of life, but still.
Also, I went to Los Angeles! That was fun. I got to go to Anime Expo, which was awesome! And I got to see my Best Friend again, which is even more awesome! I miss her now! Beata, why must you live so far away?!
After returning from LA, not much has happened really. And despite having had a Vacation, and having an awesome and adorable Girlfriend, I have been sinking into a state of Depression again. I don;t know why but everything just feels so hopeless and bleak to me lately. I am lucky to have people who love me... but I still can't help but feel shitty about other things, like school for example. I am really feeling now that I made a bad decision about what kind of degree to get. I love archaeology! It's so fascinating to me, but there is not very much work out there, and what work there is, well, it's something you really have to fight over to get, and frankly, I don't have good enough marks for anyone to even think about looking at hiring me. I'm pretty much a B average. I'm amazed if I even get an A- in something ... so really, they probably won't even give me a second glance if I apply for any jobs. There are people out there that are doing so much better with their marks than I am. I guess I just can't apply myself enough. It's something I hate about myself, and something I am very ashamed of... but seriously, I just don't think I am working hard enough ... and I can't bring myself to work super hard for it. I have too many more important things to worry about like paying bills and crap like that! Anyway, all in all ... it's making me feel like I am going to go nowhere in my life. I will be stuck working at a shitty, minimum wage job for the rest of my life because I'm an idiot and I don't try hard enough or apply myself. It's entirely my own fault, and I am well aware of that... but you know, sometimes living is just too hard and I just don;t feel like doing anything or going anywhere. I just feel like crawling in a hole and then waiting for the sweet embrace of death... but I can't do that because then I would feel really bad about leaving my loved ones behind (even if I don't have many loved ones, but still ... they're enough to keep me alive despite the fact that I otherwise hate my life)
I know I don;t have the worst life... but that is part of why I hate my life. It's because here I am, sitting in my nice, cozy house... and there are people out there dying, and starving, and all kinds of horrible things, and I can't do a thing to help them! I have no money to donate, I have no way of travelling to them to help them, and frankly, I just don't even think about it half the time because I was raised as a sheltered, lower middle class European Canadian. For this, I feel extremely guilty ... and I feel like maybe those poorer people would be better off if I didn't exist because then they could have my share of food, shelter, and money among other things. I've got nothing to bring to society. I'm simply just a burden to everyone, and I think it would be better if maybe I just never existed ... but as I said, nothing can be done about that now... because I am here, and even though I'm stupid, and useless, and just in the way, there are people who care about me for some bizarre reason that I can't even understand, and I care about them, and I wouldn't want them to feel sad if I was to disappear (although I am sure they would get over it fast enough)
Anyway ... that's just how I have been feeling lately. Just burdensome, in the way, useless and unneeded.
I think that summer, and lack of things to keep me busy are making me feel this way. I hate summer. I can't wait until Autumn. I can't wait to get back to school and back into my old routine again. I can't wait until I can go back to wearing my hiking boots, hoodies, scarves and jackets! I can't wait until all the annoying tourists are gone, and I can't wait to be able to socialize with people again, other than my co-workers whom I'm not terribly fond of talking to anyway (with the exception of a few)
Anyway, that is all.
~Raven
Well, first off, my Girlfriend and I are still together, and I think our relationship is growing stronger, but it's hard for us because we live far apart from each other. It's okay though because I am sure we can make things continue to work out. We will be attending Anime Revolution together in 10 days so I am really looking forward to that! Honestly, she is pretty much my only source of Happiness right now. I just love being able to spend time with her when I can! She means the world to me!
Anyway, other stuff. Well, my Nana passed away in June. I don't think I've exactly come to terms with her death yet ... but I'm sure it will happen. I do find myself missing her a lot though. It feels so strange to have no grandparents left. I know it's part of life, but still.
Also, I went to Los Angeles! That was fun. I got to go to Anime Expo, which was awesome! And I got to see my Best Friend again, which is even more awesome! I miss her now! Beata, why must you live so far away?!
After returning from LA, not much has happened really. And despite having had a Vacation, and having an awesome and adorable Girlfriend, I have been sinking into a state of Depression again. I don;t know why but everything just feels so hopeless and bleak to me lately. I am lucky to have people who love me... but I still can't help but feel shitty about other things, like school for example. I am really feeling now that I made a bad decision about what kind of degree to get. I love archaeology! It's so fascinating to me, but there is not very much work out there, and what work there is, well, it's something you really have to fight over to get, and frankly, I don't have good enough marks for anyone to even think about looking at hiring me. I'm pretty much a B average. I'm amazed if I even get an A- in something ... so really, they probably won't even give me a second glance if I apply for any jobs. There are people out there that are doing so much better with their marks than I am. I guess I just can't apply myself enough. It's something I hate about myself, and something I am very ashamed of... but seriously, I just don't think I am working hard enough ... and I can't bring myself to work super hard for it. I have too many more important things to worry about like paying bills and crap like that! Anyway, all in all ... it's making me feel like I am going to go nowhere in my life. I will be stuck working at a shitty, minimum wage job for the rest of my life because I'm an idiot and I don't try hard enough or apply myself. It's entirely my own fault, and I am well aware of that... but you know, sometimes living is just too hard and I just don;t feel like doing anything or going anywhere. I just feel like crawling in a hole and then waiting for the sweet embrace of death... but I can't do that because then I would feel really bad about leaving my loved ones behind (even if I don't have many loved ones, but still ... they're enough to keep me alive despite the fact that I otherwise hate my life)
I know I don;t have the worst life... but that is part of why I hate my life. It's because here I am, sitting in my nice, cozy house... and there are people out there dying, and starving, and all kinds of horrible things, and I can't do a thing to help them! I have no money to donate, I have no way of travelling to them to help them, and frankly, I just don't even think about it half the time because I was raised as a sheltered, lower middle class European Canadian. For this, I feel extremely guilty ... and I feel like maybe those poorer people would be better off if I didn't exist because then they could have my share of food, shelter, and money among other things. I've got nothing to bring to society. I'm simply just a burden to everyone, and I think it would be better if maybe I just never existed ... but as I said, nothing can be done about that now... because I am here, and even though I'm stupid, and useless, and just in the way, there are people who care about me for some bizarre reason that I can't even understand, and I care about them, and I wouldn't want them to feel sad if I was to disappear (although I am sure they would get over it fast enough)
Anyway ... that's just how I have been feeling lately. Just burdensome, in the way, useless and unneeded.
I think that summer, and lack of things to keep me busy are making me feel this way. I hate summer. I can't wait until Autumn. I can't wait to get back to school and back into my old routine again. I can't wait until I can go back to wearing my hiking boots, hoodies, scarves and jackets! I can't wait until all the annoying tourists are gone, and I can't wait to be able to socialize with people again, other than my co-workers whom I'm not terribly fond of talking to anyway (with the exception of a few)
Anyway, that is all.
~Raven