time for a change
I haven't had such a cathartic cry over the end of a book in quite a while. Diane Duane's Young Wizards series is always good for clearing out both my sinuses and my way of thinking, at least for a while. I think that's why I never binge on them -- I just read them one at a time, when I really need them. They aren't life-changers, not like His Dark Materials, not like Tale of Two Cities, not like Grapes of Wrath. They're just temporary fixers, but not bad ones like morphine, not addictive. More like a hard conversation, some messy crying and a long rest in some Zen garden compacted between two cardboard covers.
So I've decided it's time for some changes. Not big ones, just a reassessment of the choices I make every day and why I make them. For one I'm getting too closely attached to what other people think and feel again -- not that it's ever bad to understand what people think and feel, but it is always unwise to let those thoughts and emotions dictate one's own. And I'm letting that happen. I'm a natural follower, but I'm also natural support -- a listener, not the one who lays their problems on other people but the one who hovers in the background, representing the home ground that everyone else needs to find when they're at their farthest. The problem with that is that sometimes listening gets confused with not being able to speak. I can feel myself submitting, because it's very easy for me to do, and I'm realizing that I need to assert myself again to regain my balance. It won't be in ways that are visible to most around me, but that's always the case. I'm not a very visual person in any sense of the word. Never have been. But I'll feel better about myself, and that's what counts.
Stick with a fandom for a while. Fandom-hopping is a way of getting a quick fix for me, especially when they're contained, finite fandoms like Death Note and Last Exile, and there's only so long I can function on short jolts and fumes. I need to start really ruminating again, trying to take in some of the bigger ideas out there, instead of letting meaning be dictated to me by surface dramas. So I'd like to go back to Trigun, with maybe one or two periphery fandoms -- probably FMA and Last Exile. These are the things I felt strongly enough about in the first place to commit to some epic story or long claim, and I'd like to see those things through.
Move more. I've become very sedentary. It's not having the physical effects I sometimes complain about -- feeling disgusting or unhealthy or weak -- but rather psychological effects, an inability to do work that goes far beyond simple procrastination. The all-nighter I pulled on Sunday night to write a paper was the last straw I needed to confirm that. So tonight I'm going to write a paper that isn't due until Friday, and start breaking that cycle. All-nighters are never, ever worth it.
Also in the vein of moving more -- when I feel like I can't put up with something anymore, simply stop putting up with it. Move elsewhere. Sometimes things are my problem, and when they are, I'll deal with them straight-on -- so, when I can't stand my talky roommate, I've resolved to go to the lobby instead of sitting it out. (Unless it's 1 a.m. in which case I'm going to tell her to shut up.) But sometimes things are not my problem, and I need to stop thinking they are -- walk away and let the person who's having problems realize that they need to deal.
And on the flipside of that resolution -- move less. Stillness is a thing I've missed a lot in these past weeks, and when I do find it it feels stagnant rather than peaceful. But today I spent three hours sitting on the grass outside my dorm, under a shady tree, reading. No music, no headphones. It made me realize that I'm looking for stillness in the wrong places and approaching it in the wrong ways -- trying to force it, just as I'm trying to force my schoolwork and my writing, and it's making everything seize up. I need to move less, relax, breathe for a while, be alone. I've always had a very calm center and I've been wandering farther from it, thinking that it wasn't going anywhere, but I realize that being well-adjusted isn't just a fixed state of being; it has to be maintained.
Lastly, stop listening to my damn biological clock. Jealousy is the ugliest thing, and needs to be kept separate from reason at all costs. Someone will show up for me someday. At least I'm not hiding anymore.
See, sometimes I can't imagine not reading. How do people who don't read get their daily dose of emotional balance and life advice? Books aren't a replacement for contact with other people, by a long shot, but they're a cleaner and easier source of answers when your main problem is other people.
Anyway. Going to write a paper about fascism now. ^_^.
-rave
So I've decided it's time for some changes. Not big ones, just a reassessment of the choices I make every day and why I make them. For one I'm getting too closely attached to what other people think and feel again -- not that it's ever bad to understand what people think and feel, but it is always unwise to let those thoughts and emotions dictate one's own. And I'm letting that happen. I'm a natural follower, but I'm also natural support -- a listener, not the one who lays their problems on other people but the one who hovers in the background, representing the home ground that everyone else needs to find when they're at their farthest. The problem with that is that sometimes listening gets confused with not being able to speak. I can feel myself submitting, because it's very easy for me to do, and I'm realizing that I need to assert myself again to regain my balance. It won't be in ways that are visible to most around me, but that's always the case. I'm not a very visual person in any sense of the word. Never have been. But I'll feel better about myself, and that's what counts.
Stick with a fandom for a while. Fandom-hopping is a way of getting a quick fix for me, especially when they're contained, finite fandoms like Death Note and Last Exile, and there's only so long I can function on short jolts and fumes. I need to start really ruminating again, trying to take in some of the bigger ideas out there, instead of letting meaning be dictated to me by surface dramas. So I'd like to go back to Trigun, with maybe one or two periphery fandoms -- probably FMA and Last Exile. These are the things I felt strongly enough about in the first place to commit to some epic story or long claim, and I'd like to see those things through.
Move more. I've become very sedentary. It's not having the physical effects I sometimes complain about -- feeling disgusting or unhealthy or weak -- but rather psychological effects, an inability to do work that goes far beyond simple procrastination. The all-nighter I pulled on Sunday night to write a paper was the last straw I needed to confirm that. So tonight I'm going to write a paper that isn't due until Friday, and start breaking that cycle. All-nighters are never, ever worth it.
Also in the vein of moving more -- when I feel like I can't put up with something anymore, simply stop putting up with it. Move elsewhere. Sometimes things are my problem, and when they are, I'll deal with them straight-on -- so, when I can't stand my talky roommate, I've resolved to go to the lobby instead of sitting it out. (Unless it's 1 a.m. in which case I'm going to tell her to shut up.) But sometimes things are not my problem, and I need to stop thinking they are -- walk away and let the person who's having problems realize that they need to deal.
And on the flipside of that resolution -- move less. Stillness is a thing I've missed a lot in these past weeks, and when I do find it it feels stagnant rather than peaceful. But today I spent three hours sitting on the grass outside my dorm, under a shady tree, reading. No music, no headphones. It made me realize that I'm looking for stillness in the wrong places and approaching it in the wrong ways -- trying to force it, just as I'm trying to force my schoolwork and my writing, and it's making everything seize up. I need to move less, relax, breathe for a while, be alone. I've always had a very calm center and I've been wandering farther from it, thinking that it wasn't going anywhere, but I realize that being well-adjusted isn't just a fixed state of being; it has to be maintained.
Lastly, stop listening to my damn biological clock. Jealousy is the ugliest thing, and needs to be kept separate from reason at all costs. Someone will show up for me someday. At least I'm not hiding anymore.
See, sometimes I can't imagine not reading. How do people who don't read get their daily dose of emotional balance and life advice? Books aren't a replacement for contact with other people, by a long shot, but they're a cleaner and easier source of answers when your main problem is other people.
Anyway. Going to write a paper about fascism now. ^_^.
-rave