Going Insane...
My brothers seem to be doing very well. I finally found the phone number to reach them. I'm so glad I miss them so much it kills me. My sister and I are talking again and we are forgiving each other for things that happen last year. My mom was so excited about the new hotel she didn't even realize I was crying on the phone. But I am glad she is happy. She is getting married again, this time to this worthless bum who thinks he know everything. First my dad, that I never meet. Then my first step-dad that beat the shit out of me when ever he got in the mood. Then my second step-dad that was verbally abusive and tried to touch me the wrong way and now another one. I'm so sick and tired of these men she finds and through her they come into my life. Well not this time. I am far away and safe.
Here comes the first holiday I'll spend all alone. Scared and lonely, but in a way glad. No one to hurt me. I have finished my paper work for my green card. Thank God that was driving me crazy. My car is breaking down and I think it is on it's finally beat. Need a new one. But I think I'll have the money by next year. I'm thankful for good investments that are finally paying off. Music is grand. Either than that my life is about the same. Working doubles, trying to keep my house clean. I still don't sleep very well and have been having to take sleeping pills to help.
I am going mad. These crazy thoughts that are running thorough my brain at a million miles per hour are not what I need right now. I made a decision. I am going to force myself to be with someone. This is ridiculous. I can't keep everyone at arms' length because I'm to afraid to get hurt. If I wanted a meaningless existence this would be the perfect way to live one. But I want a family of my own, I want to be able to trust people again and look forward to my days and nights with out fear. I don't want to wake up in the morning because I'm afraid of all the bad things that will happen and afraid of falling asleep because of all the nightmares. I'm so confused. I need something to occupy my thoughts or someone to make me forget.
Plus, I'm a bit upset about a certain someone. All of the sudden out of the blue two of my friends call me. Sky and Kat. They both said the same thing. They got a friends request from my ex. What the hell??? Why would he care about people he never meet and people that he hasn't spoken to in a long time. Most of all people in a city he will never see again. Is he trying to turn everyone he can against me? I thought that was over and done with. He hates me. He called me a hore, a liar, and a manipulator. Then tell his "mommy dearest" about my journal. Then I receive the suicide line number and well lets just say I was very upset. You can read all about it a few entries down. So I let it go. I leave him alone why do I feel that he is messing with me in a very mean way. Or maybe I'm over reacting and he just happen to run into the same friends on my list. Well it is only two people as far as I know. No one else has called me. See what I mean, my mind keeps fucking with me. I'm just going to let it go. It is nothing and I am so majorly overreacting. I am just paranoid that the world is trying to get me. lol. I wonder why!?
Here comes the first holiday I'll spend all alone. Scared and lonely, but in a way glad. No one to hurt me. I have finished my paper work for my green card. Thank God that was driving me crazy. My car is breaking down and I think it is on it's finally beat. Need a new one. But I think I'll have the money by next year. I'm thankful for good investments that are finally paying off. Music is grand. Either than that my life is about the same. Working doubles, trying to keep my house clean. I still don't sleep very well and have been having to take sleeping pills to help.
I am going mad. These crazy thoughts that are running thorough my brain at a million miles per hour are not what I need right now. I made a decision. I am going to force myself to be with someone. This is ridiculous. I can't keep everyone at arms' length because I'm to afraid to get hurt. If I wanted a meaningless existence this would be the perfect way to live one. But I want a family of my own, I want to be able to trust people again and look forward to my days and nights with out fear. I don't want to wake up in the morning because I'm afraid of all the bad things that will happen and afraid of falling asleep because of all the nightmares. I'm so confused. I need something to occupy my thoughts or someone to make me forget.
Plus, I'm a bit upset about a certain someone. All of the sudden out of the blue two of my friends call me. Sky and Kat. They both said the same thing. They got a friends request from my ex. What the hell??? Why would he care about people he never meet and people that he hasn't spoken to in a long time. Most of all people in a city he will never see again. Is he trying to turn everyone he can against me? I thought that was over and done with. He hates me. He called me a hore, a liar, and a manipulator. Then tell his "mommy dearest" about my journal. Then I receive the suicide line number and well lets just say I was very upset. You can read all about it a few entries down. So I let it go. I leave him alone why do I feel that he is messing with me in a very mean way. Or maybe I'm over reacting and he just happen to run into the same friends on my list. Well it is only two people as far as I know. No one else has called me. See what I mean, my mind keeps fucking with me. I'm just going to let it go. It is nothing and I am so majorly overreacting. I am just paranoid that the world is trying to get me. lol. I wonder why!?