She's the one.
So this is the beginning of a long relationship with my emotions and writing. I hope that someday she'll read these and begin to understand how I feel. Reading back on a couple of my posts before, this is not new territory for me. Its happened before. But this time, its different. Much different. The pain is so much stronger. Keener. Its like being stabbed in the chest with a dagger, but leaving your heart intact. Each day is just one more dagger, slowly bleeding me out.
I'm sure the suspense is killing you. This first entry is just going to be short one to get me started, but expect longer entries soon. Without getting into everything (I will later), I lost the love of my life Ana Nicole Stillings. We broke up and a week later, she went and married another man, who she hasn't seen in 5 years, while we were on vacation in Florida for her Dad's wedding. I feel like I was thrown into the pits of Hell.
I'll be getting into what Ana means to me in a future entry, but I'll just say, that this has been killing me. Our relationship together was amazing. It was better than amazing. It was a piece of Heaven on Earth. I'll be completely honest with you when I say that I believe us to be meant for each other. We are perfect matches in every way. She compliments my weaknesses with her strengths, and I do the same for her. Our connection was intense and real. We loved each other for being ourselves. She is the first person in my life that I've ever been comfortable being myself with. Completely and totally me. No masks. And she loved me for it. I was her's, and she was mine. My best friend. My lover. My soul-mate. I love her more than I can put into words.
I still don't understand how or why it ended. I know what contributed to it, and that is money. Her fear that I would not be able to provide for us while she was finishing her school and finding a good career, something which she held to be very important. She needed to succeed, so she would not follow in the path of her parents. She didn't think that I was going to be able to do it, that the status quo needed to change (because it hadn't yet). She took on a significant portion of my expenses and shouldered them with humility. I love her immensely for everything she did for me. However, when the time came, she was not open to compromise. She was already lost to me. There had been outside interference, that I believe changed her perspective for the worse.
So that's a little background. She was married on Sunday, July 13th sometime in the very early morning hours. She lied all the way to the bank, up until almost the time I left North Carolina to come home to Minnesota (she flew down to stay with Stephen (her new husband) in Alabama about a week and a half before I left). She has since told me that she doesn't want to have any contact with me, unless its an emergency. I cannot believe that this is entirely her choice...but the influence of Stephen as well.
This time has been the most difficult I have ever experienced in my entire life. I honestly don't know how I make it from day to day. The pain I feel is overwhelming. The only things that are keeping me going is my faith and my love for Ana. But this experience has motivated me to further myself. Ana criticized my drive and said I was perfectly content with only a dollar extra per month over expenses. She felt that I fell into a life of stagnation. I wouldn't accept that. I am going to finish my BA, in Business Administration. And if the cards play out right, I will open the game store that was always a pipe dream before Ana. She gave me the realization that it wasn't simply an unreachable dream. That it was possible. It was a dream that we shared, that we hoped to grow into together, with the family we wanted to have. I hope that someday, I will get my best friend back. That by God's grace, he will lead us back together. To be able to finish our love story. She is the one. I feel it to my very soul. One day, I pray to God, that we will find ourselves back in each others arms. This time, for good. I love you Ana, forever and always. Until the end of time and beyond.
I'm sure the suspense is killing you. This first entry is just going to be short one to get me started, but expect longer entries soon. Without getting into everything (I will later), I lost the love of my life Ana Nicole Stillings. We broke up and a week later, she went and married another man, who she hasn't seen in 5 years, while we were on vacation in Florida for her Dad's wedding. I feel like I was thrown into the pits of Hell.
I'll be getting into what Ana means to me in a future entry, but I'll just say, that this has been killing me. Our relationship together was amazing. It was better than amazing. It was a piece of Heaven on Earth. I'll be completely honest with you when I say that I believe us to be meant for each other. We are perfect matches in every way. She compliments my weaknesses with her strengths, and I do the same for her. Our connection was intense and real. We loved each other for being ourselves. She is the first person in my life that I've ever been comfortable being myself with. Completely and totally me. No masks. And she loved me for it. I was her's, and she was mine. My best friend. My lover. My soul-mate. I love her more than I can put into words.
I still don't understand how or why it ended. I know what contributed to it, and that is money. Her fear that I would not be able to provide for us while she was finishing her school and finding a good career, something which she held to be very important. She needed to succeed, so she would not follow in the path of her parents. She didn't think that I was going to be able to do it, that the status quo needed to change (because it hadn't yet). She took on a significant portion of my expenses and shouldered them with humility. I love her immensely for everything she did for me. However, when the time came, she was not open to compromise. She was already lost to me. There had been outside interference, that I believe changed her perspective for the worse.
So that's a little background. She was married on Sunday, July 13th sometime in the very early morning hours. She lied all the way to the bank, up until almost the time I left North Carolina to come home to Minnesota (she flew down to stay with Stephen (her new husband) in Alabama about a week and a half before I left). She has since told me that she doesn't want to have any contact with me, unless its an emergency. I cannot believe that this is entirely her choice...but the influence of Stephen as well.
This time has been the most difficult I have ever experienced in my entire life. I honestly don't know how I make it from day to day. The pain I feel is overwhelming. The only things that are keeping me going is my faith and my love for Ana. But this experience has motivated me to further myself. Ana criticized my drive and said I was perfectly content with only a dollar extra per month over expenses. She felt that I fell into a life of stagnation. I wouldn't accept that. I am going to finish my BA, in Business Administration. And if the cards play out right, I will open the game store that was always a pipe dream before Ana. She gave me the realization that it wasn't simply an unreachable dream. That it was possible. It was a dream that we shared, that we hoped to grow into together, with the family we wanted to have. I hope that someday, I will get my best friend back. That by God's grace, he will lead us back together. To be able to finish our love story. She is the one. I feel it to my very soul. One day, I pray to God, that we will find ourselves back in each others arms. This time, for good. I love you Ana, forever and always. Until the end of time and beyond.