..
I don't like aspects of my life being controlled by someone who believes they have my best interest and safety at heart. I can understand the latter of that, but I don't like it when they dictate things for me, rather than talk to me about it, or ask, or consult me about it. I don't like it when I am forced to make decisions I should not have to make about the people I love because someone feels insecure. Don't rape me of my choices, or my will. Don't force me choose between people who have been there for me, who I have promised to be there for them, over you, who I barely speak to. You, who made me feel like you didn't even care, that what I did wasn't worth acknowledging.
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I wrote that last night, but I couldn't even compose my thoughts well enough to continue. I have very few friends. Good, honest, real friends. And to be told I must cut them off, that it's for my safety and to help insecurity...I don't know how to respond to that without being negative, and I was violently, explosively negative. And he's all I can think about, now. It's like my mind is rebelling and doing it anyway. I don't even bother trying to hide it because it just blows my mind. I had a very good end to the night until the incident. I learned so much over the few days that I did not know much about before. I felt relief to know these things, to absorb the depths of what has been said. I like the pleasant conversations and the reminiscing, as they are mostly fond memories.
To just cut that off, entirely. No warning, no goodbye, nothing. I have BEEN in that situation, and it was awful. Especially when they came back as if nothing had happened, as if it were okay--or worse, if they didn't acknowledge or offer an explanation of what happened, why it happened. It would be awful to allow that to happen to someone I considered a friend, someone I love. That puts my morals, my feelings, to the chopping block. It's almost patronizing. For my safety? Am I not a grown adult capable of making my own decisions? Capable of judging if I am in danger of my own friends? I may be ignorant, and I can be naive on particular subjects, but these people have earned my respect and my friendship, and that is not an easy task. Kelsey claims it's like the steps to become a Saint.
I can't get over the breakthrough I feel like I've had, only to be told it's being ripped away from me because my safety is feared for. There is nothing wrong with him, or anyone else I associate with that directly affects my friendship and association with them. If there was, I would detach immediately. I aim to associate myself with people who want good things for me, do good by me, who make me feel positive. No matter what he may be going through? I feel that from him through the sheer honesty and good intentions in place. Why would you seek to take that small but precious nugget of connection from me? Why do you get to decide for me what is dangerous for me and what isn't? It's patronizing, insulting, and it hurts my feelings above all. Why do you get to make the compromises now? Are you scared to lose me? Where were you when I asked and pressed for compromises in the past? Why was it not good enough when I wanted them, but they are good enough now that you feel cornered?
I just don't know. I don't know how to sort through all of this. It's just like a sucker punch for the cheek. Ergh.
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I wrote that last night, but I couldn't even compose my thoughts well enough to continue. I have very few friends. Good, honest, real friends. And to be told I must cut them off, that it's for my safety and to help insecurity...I don't know how to respond to that without being negative, and I was violently, explosively negative. And he's all I can think about, now. It's like my mind is rebelling and doing it anyway. I don't even bother trying to hide it because it just blows my mind. I had a very good end to the night until the incident. I learned so much over the few days that I did not know much about before. I felt relief to know these things, to absorb the depths of what has been said. I like the pleasant conversations and the reminiscing, as they are mostly fond memories.
To just cut that off, entirely. No warning, no goodbye, nothing. I have BEEN in that situation, and it was awful. Especially when they came back as if nothing had happened, as if it were okay--or worse, if they didn't acknowledge or offer an explanation of what happened, why it happened. It would be awful to allow that to happen to someone I considered a friend, someone I love. That puts my morals, my feelings, to the chopping block. It's almost patronizing. For my safety? Am I not a grown adult capable of making my own decisions? Capable of judging if I am in danger of my own friends? I may be ignorant, and I can be naive on particular subjects, but these people have earned my respect and my friendship, and that is not an easy task. Kelsey claims it's like the steps to become a Saint.
I can't get over the breakthrough I feel like I've had, only to be told it's being ripped away from me because my safety is feared for. There is nothing wrong with him, or anyone else I associate with that directly affects my friendship and association with them. If there was, I would detach immediately. I aim to associate myself with people who want good things for me, do good by me, who make me feel positive. No matter what he may be going through? I feel that from him through the sheer honesty and good intentions in place. Why would you seek to take that small but precious nugget of connection from me? Why do you get to decide for me what is dangerous for me and what isn't? It's patronizing, insulting, and it hurts my feelings above all. Why do you get to make the compromises now? Are you scared to lose me? Where were you when I asked and pressed for compromises in the past? Why was it not good enough when I wanted them, but they are good enough now that you feel cornered?
I just don't know. I don't know how to sort through all of this. It's just like a sucker punch for the cheek. Ergh.