..
Rain, rain, rain...thunder.
It started out a beautiful day, and it has turned melancholy.
I have decided not to go back to Refuge. I have my friends and that is all that I need. Rob told me to do something, and when I did, he got mad at me. I don't need him I don't need anyone. I don't need anything that I don't already have. I'm stronger than that. If my friends are my friends, I need nothing else but my own will. The others don't care. They never have, and never will. They can delude themselves and think lightly of friends, but I take it seriously. They are idiots who are not worth my time or concern as I am not worth theirs.
I am done being soft. I miss the days when I didn't care about anyone. I let people into my heart and have since let more and more. But Rob has pushed me too far. I am done being fooled into thinking people care when they don't. Reality is calling me strongly, and I don't have time to waste my compassion and love on people who put me down when I try my best to live up to their simple request.
I'm moving to Florida. I am making a list of essentials versus things I want. I don't care what Rob wants or needs anymore. I did what he wanted me to do, and he still treated me badly and shut me out for it. I wont forget today. Ever. I wont forget what I said, his response. Ever. This, the man who claims he has loved for for all so long. This ten year stint he has gone through. I don't believe in it anymore. I don't believe in him anymore. Whatever game he wants to play, he can play it on his own. I have made my effort. I have done my part, and I have gotten nothing for it. I am done. It is done.
It's no different than him. Him, who I let so close to me. Who vanished on me. No warning. No nothing. Leaving me to wonder. Him who I hate so much I despise the thought of him. I despise every fiber of him. I have committed my memory of him to a forbidden place inside of me. A dark, dangerous, chaotic part of me. I have kept him there, and I never want anything to do with him save to seethe over that memory and how I let it change me. Him, who shot me into a world where I stopped caring. When people saw how truly cruel I could be, how heartless and unthinking of them I was. Those were good days. Those were days when I didn't stress. Those were days when I had nothing to lose. People now who remember me then still think of me as that same person. I humbled myself. I told them I was nothing. I was nothing to fear, nothing to cower from, and that people had every reason to hate me for how I acted then.
I'm moving to Florida because I have nothing to lose. There is a Star waiting for me there, and another Star not so far away--and those Stars are all that I will ever need. Her name is Bellatrix, and Mintaka is close. They are strong, and they don't need anything of me but the strength of our bond. We suffered together, we laughed together. We were there for each other when we needed each other and I will never abandon them. Rob is undeserving of Meissa and I have stripped him of the constellation. Saiph is unwavering, and I will never abandon Alnitak and Alnilam. They do not walk all over me. I do not walk all over them. We are all Parabatai.
The rest of them mean nothing to me.
Do they care? No.
Do I care? No.
It's done.
It's stopped raining. Do the skies take mercy on people who are wandering around in the darkness? Do they cry and weep over pitiful souls? No. The sky is still flashing with lightning. And thunder is rumbling still. My open heart is closing, and I will surely choke on the ice and steel that cuts it off. Until then, I don't need anyone or anything that I don't already have. That is my resolve. I fall, I rise. I fall, I rise again. Ego si relapsus resurgo. And this time, I will not yield.
It started out a beautiful day, and it has turned melancholy.
I have decided not to go back to Refuge. I have my friends and that is all that I need. Rob told me to do something, and when I did, he got mad at me. I don't need him I don't need anyone. I don't need anything that I don't already have. I'm stronger than that. If my friends are my friends, I need nothing else but my own will. The others don't care. They never have, and never will. They can delude themselves and think lightly of friends, but I take it seriously. They are idiots who are not worth my time or concern as I am not worth theirs.
I am done being soft. I miss the days when I didn't care about anyone. I let people into my heart and have since let more and more. But Rob has pushed me too far. I am done being fooled into thinking people care when they don't. Reality is calling me strongly, and I don't have time to waste my compassion and love on people who put me down when I try my best to live up to their simple request.
I'm moving to Florida. I am making a list of essentials versus things I want. I don't care what Rob wants or needs anymore. I did what he wanted me to do, and he still treated me badly and shut me out for it. I wont forget today. Ever. I wont forget what I said, his response. Ever. This, the man who claims he has loved for for all so long. This ten year stint he has gone through. I don't believe in it anymore. I don't believe in him anymore. Whatever game he wants to play, he can play it on his own. I have made my effort. I have done my part, and I have gotten nothing for it. I am done. It is done.
It's no different than him. Him, who I let so close to me. Who vanished on me. No warning. No nothing. Leaving me to wonder. Him who I hate so much I despise the thought of him. I despise every fiber of him. I have committed my memory of him to a forbidden place inside of me. A dark, dangerous, chaotic part of me. I have kept him there, and I never want anything to do with him save to seethe over that memory and how I let it change me. Him, who shot me into a world where I stopped caring. When people saw how truly cruel I could be, how heartless and unthinking of them I was. Those were good days. Those were days when I didn't stress. Those were days when I had nothing to lose. People now who remember me then still think of me as that same person. I humbled myself. I told them I was nothing. I was nothing to fear, nothing to cower from, and that people had every reason to hate me for how I acted then.
I'm moving to Florida because I have nothing to lose. There is a Star waiting for me there, and another Star not so far away--and those Stars are all that I will ever need. Her name is Bellatrix, and Mintaka is close. They are strong, and they don't need anything of me but the strength of our bond. We suffered together, we laughed together. We were there for each other when we needed each other and I will never abandon them. Rob is undeserving of Meissa and I have stripped him of the constellation. Saiph is unwavering, and I will never abandon Alnitak and Alnilam. They do not walk all over me. I do not walk all over them. We are all Parabatai.
The rest of them mean nothing to me.
Do they care? No.
Do I care? No.
It's done.
It's stopped raining. Do the skies take mercy on people who are wandering around in the darkness? Do they cry and weep over pitiful souls? No. The sky is still flashing with lightning. And thunder is rumbling still. My open heart is closing, and I will surely choke on the ice and steel that cuts it off. Until then, I don't need anyone or anything that I don't already have. That is my resolve. I fall, I rise. I fall, I rise again. Ego si relapsus resurgo. And this time, I will not yield.