i dont want . . .
to give him the power to hurt me again to start caring so much that every little thing he does or doesnt do hurts me or make me upset. i know it would be easier to just forget him. to push him out of my life and not think about him, lol like i dont think about him everyday as is, or rather to think about him less and less. to know that he is not that big part of my life any more and that i shouldnt care. but is that really easier. no matter what i do im always going to think of that idiot. hes stuck in my brain and i wish i could have him removed. lol like in the movie (crap forgot what its called) but id be ok with forgetting. atlest i think i would. why do people willing put themselves through this shit. because they see the "potential" in the situation is the only thing i can believe. i hate that you shouldnt be with someone because they have potential or because the relationship has potential. what does that even mean. oh i think youll be a good partner lets test it? what the fuck is that? you should be with someone because you cant see your self with anyone else. because you can see your self building a life with that person. ugh i hate this.
so why should i talk to him? he didnt want to get back together when i was fighting for it. but now all of a sudden he wants to? is he just lonely and too lazy or too scared to find someone else? maybe he tried going back to someone familiar and they said no so im his last resort before the long wait of finding someone else who has potential. and you know what i live so far away from him now. he has some strange obsession with his g/fs being close to him and im not. guess who is but maybe she said no. i just dont get it. why now, what changed?
i want to know what he thinks is going to happen if we get back together. where he thinks we re going to go. what he wants out of our relationship. and what he is willing to do to be with me. whether he is willing to follow all of my crazy rules and regulations until i trust him again. i also want to know that if hes learned im not to treat me like some little girl yet expect me to know how a relationship works and be able to jump into every situation with the knowledge and experiance of someone who been . . . married.
one thing i want him to know is that if he really wants what those around us have that he has to fucking fight for it. not expect it to just land in his lap. he is not that lucky and sure as hell not that deserving. nobody deserves the perfect relationship right off the bat. as a matter of fact i think that is impossible and to think otherwise is to be a fucking fool.
i am a greedy as person i want everything my way and right away. no if and or buts about it. i dont want him talking to his exs. namely her because frankly i dont know any of the others personally, not that i really know her, and dont see them as a threat. thats right im an insecure little girl on this subject and i see her as a threat. i honestly alwayas see other girls ass a threat i just didnt care enough to really let it effect me. i guarded myself so that if he ever cheated on me sure it would hurt like hell but id be ready for it and would be able to deal. after all hes a sex fend and if hes not getting it from i expect him to be looking for it in other places. hes stupid for not know that he could have any girl he wants.
but im so tired of thinking of all of this and of crying over him. i dont want to have to deal with this anymore and right now dont see the point in forcing myself to do so. he sure as hell hasnt shown true feelings for me, to me. it all seems like a game to him. hes very good with words and because of this he is very good at menipulating people to do and think what he wants. hes very good at doing all the right things to get what he wants when he wants it and trys not to be seen as the bad guy through it all. maybe hes just bored and has nothing better to do then to play with me. im sure he sees how easy it is.
but maybe im just being spiteful.
so why should i talk to him? he didnt want to get back together when i was fighting for it. but now all of a sudden he wants to? is he just lonely and too lazy or too scared to find someone else? maybe he tried going back to someone familiar and they said no so im his last resort before the long wait of finding someone else who has potential. and you know what i live so far away from him now. he has some strange obsession with his g/fs being close to him and im not. guess who is but maybe she said no. i just dont get it. why now, what changed?
i want to know what he thinks is going to happen if we get back together. where he thinks we re going to go. what he wants out of our relationship. and what he is willing to do to be with me. whether he is willing to follow all of my crazy rules and regulations until i trust him again. i also want to know that if hes learned im not to treat me like some little girl yet expect me to know how a relationship works and be able to jump into every situation with the knowledge and experiance of someone who been . . . married.
one thing i want him to know is that if he really wants what those around us have that he has to fucking fight for it. not expect it to just land in his lap. he is not that lucky and sure as hell not that deserving. nobody deserves the perfect relationship right off the bat. as a matter of fact i think that is impossible and to think otherwise is to be a fucking fool.
i am a greedy as person i want everything my way and right away. no if and or buts about it. i dont want him talking to his exs. namely her because frankly i dont know any of the others personally, not that i really know her, and dont see them as a threat. thats right im an insecure little girl on this subject and i see her as a threat. i honestly alwayas see other girls ass a threat i just didnt care enough to really let it effect me. i guarded myself so that if he ever cheated on me sure it would hurt like hell but id be ready for it and would be able to deal. after all hes a sex fend and if hes not getting it from i expect him to be looking for it in other places. hes stupid for not know that he could have any girl he wants.
but im so tired of thinking of all of this and of crying over him. i dont want to have to deal with this anymore and right now dont see the point in forcing myself to do so. he sure as hell hasnt shown true feelings for me, to me. it all seems like a game to him. hes very good with words and because of this he is very good at menipulating people to do and think what he wants. hes very good at doing all the right things to get what he wants when he wants it and trys not to be seen as the bad guy through it all. maybe hes just bored and has nothing better to do then to play with me. im sure he sees how easy it is.
but maybe im just being spiteful.