I will think of a better title later.
My second badfic. I don't think this one is as good as "Ocelot's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day", but I still like it.
The sun was shining in Japan as Kojima woke up. "Ahh, what a beautifur day. Time to advance the gay agenda!" The look of glee in his eyes was unmistakable.
He bid his wife and children good morning with a hug and kiss each. They all look exactly like him.
Hideo was working on his latest gay propaganda piece, Metal Gear Solid 5: Guns and Hamsters of Hard Men. It takes place in England, where Big Boss is on a secret stealth mission to steal some awesome tea for Zero's leisurely consumption because Zero decided he was above paying for worldly goods. His trip here is what decisively drove him insane. As we join our intrepid hero, he is having a panic attack in Piccadilly Circus. A native comes up to him.
"Hey there, you alright?"
"I thought cricket only existed in fairy tales...Please don't hurt me," Big Boss whimpered. Cut to title screen. Theme song is “Tea Drinker.”
After writing Big Boss’ near death experience of almost drowning in a sea of scones, (perhaps he was suffocated by an excess of crumbs?) Kojima decided to take a break. He checked his lj flist for any new tags. He had been rejected at several games where he tried to app his OC Ocelot, apparently due to poor characterization.
"Hi there! I'm Adam but you can call me Ocelot, my super cool nick. I like goats and guns. I'm a spy and a professional asshole. In my spare time I watch movies and follow people. I'm prooooobably gonna end up shooting you." Hideo finished typing his tag to a new player. Ocelot and Frank had a special bond.
"What do those fangirrs know? He's MY character! If he decides to forget Big Bossu and become a professional snake milker and releaser of hounds it's cannon if I say so!" A bit later, Kojima was kicked out over god-moding issues. He opened his window to yell the spoiler, "Lj is the Patriots!" to the world. Satisfied and smug, he took a picture of his lunch for everyone on Twitter to marvel over.
Back at the den of domestic bliss known as Outer Mother Zanzibar Heaven, Zero was visiting and it was British as fuck.
The registered sex offender Strangelove was there as well for added effect. Ocelot grabbed Strangelove's boob but she let him because he looked so much like his mother. For a few years, she was convinced he was a lesbian. The intense concentration of Britishness made it hard to breathe. Well it would have if Big Boss was actually there, but he was in England.
"For Pete's sake, just go to the palace and take some tea! It really shouldn't be this hard for you, John," Zero radioed Big Boss. "Really, I'm almost tardy to my pedantry convention," he said to himself.
"For glory and the Crusades!" BB yelled as he quietly snuck into the castle. However, the Queen was waiting for him with a cup of tea.
"Good day to y-" Big Boss tackled and threw her across the room. Some British people feigned concern while others applauded. However, Zero was livid.
"How dare you treat my tax dependent like some common street urchin!"
"Speak English goddammit!" BB screamed as he sprinted out of the castle, tea in toe.
In a celebration of victory, Zero passed out copies of his new novel "Lenience & Punctuality". Set in the late eighteenth century, "Lenience & Punctuality" outlines the differences and subtle similarities between country and city life as seen through the perspective of a young and rambunctious barmaid curiously named David.
Elsewhere on the base, the three young clones were in need of attention.
"Hi. My name is Kaz, but some know me simply as "the other homo."
Kaz was on babysitting duty watching over four year old Solid, that turncoat British bitch Liquid, and Solidus, the middle child nobody gave a shit about even though he was the youngest.
Ocelot stumbled in mumbling something that sounded like "I hate when people lick my guns. Why do people lick my guns?"
"Raikov and mom do it because they know it gets to you. Then you can't stop yelling "BITCH" and it's clear they were successful," Solidus said, but everyone thought it was just the wind.
"Eat your fucking raisins." Ocelot's love and affection for children was legendary.
Raikov came in at the mention of his name. Shuffling over to the kids, he put on the Raikov mask. "Guess who I am!"
Solid tried to snap his neck but didn't have the strength. Ocelot had a special fondness for that one and made note to torture him later. Torture is an expression of love and Ocelot loved a lot of people.
“Hrmnnn,” articulated Snake.
“Hrmnn hrmnnnnn hrmn hrmmmmnnnnn,” agreed Big Boss. “But hrmnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnn.”
“Hrnmmnmnmn Hrmnsmfasd;lfsdm,” argued Snake.
“You watch your whore mouth,” ordered Big Boss.
Liquid said bitchily, “You didn’t even say anything except a bunch of Neanderthalesque grunts! What unspeakable evil have I sinned so as to be born to this family of peons?” Liquid and Solidus hugged and cried.
"One day, nobody will even notice their president nearly dead in a Power Rangers suit in the middle of Manhattan and you're going to be reduced to a fancy hand puppet." Somebody should have listened to Solidus. Poor bastard.
Kojima giggles and high fives that bitch Ryan Payton before taking a picture of the sky for future reference.
Zero returned from his pedantry convention and hosted an entertainment night for the base in which he showed "Bureaucracy and its Merits," a BBC Masterpiece Theatre production. During the screening, BB and Raikov shared a roadkill possum and the rest of the base just drank all of Zero's imported wine. Otacon was out on the prowl and hungry for men.
They stood together, homos all.
Once out of possum, BB gnawed on Liquid, who tasted like all British food and was awful. He tried Solidus next, who was chalky and sinewy. Future Ocelot's arm tasted bitter and misguided.
Paramedic was being Parachef and had cooked up a fantastic tri tip steak. She talked with BB and Raikov about possibly visiting Russia. "Be careful not to get one on you. Once a Russian likes you, you're stuck with it for life. They camp outside your window. They sleep next to you when you're in a coma. They jump into lakes and still manage to swim with flare pants. Bad times."
Back in Japan, Kojima was putting the finishing touches on the cast list for the live action Metal Gear movie.
Gary Busey - Colonel Campbell
Liam Neeson - The Markhour
Philip Seymour Hoffman - The other Markhour
Angela Lansbury - Old Eva
Hugh Grant - Ocelot and not the young Ocelot either AHAHAHAHA
David Hayter - Big Boss, Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, (dubbed with Cam Clarke) Solidus Snake
Angela Lansbury - Young Eva
A Cat With A Beret On Its Head/and/or Josh Hartnett - Ocelot*
Hard Gay - Kaz
Alan Rickman - Gene/Strangelove
Stephen Fry - Volgin
Hugh Laurie - Raikov
Sean Connery - Sigint
Jeremy Irons - Paramedic
Johnny Depp - Zero
David Tennant - Psycho Mantis
Rowan Atkinson - Vulcan Raven
Imelda Staunton - Sniper Wolf
Chuck Norris - Sunny/Mei-Ling/Meryl/Naomi
Shia Le Bouf - Grey Fox/Otacon*
Lee Van Cleef - The Sorrow/Ocelot and Snake in the final fight of mgs4
Clint Eastwood - The Boss
Sack of Potatoes - Raiden
Sack of Manure - Rose
A Jar of Iodine - Little John
Misha Collins - Vamp
"Big Boss will love the Britishness of my dream cast," Kojima kojimad kojimaly. He took a picture of his toaster for his Twitter.
Back at the base, Zero handed Ocelot a script. "I penned this Spaghetti Western with you in mind as the lead role. I hope to have it made into a moving picture."
"It's only Spaghetti if it's Italian made."
"It is if I say it is. I'm the Patriots."
Ocelot thumbed through the script.
The rain pounded down on the earth like stones on a martyred saint’s back while the unnamed man's features are made only more intriguing by the random and obscure scars that date across his face like lines to a treasure map. Coyotes howled in the distance like children of the night. He wore his bullet strap like a grizzled war scarf. Ocelot's buzz cut hair falls around his shoulders in a sort of casual elegance. His bullet sling was also of a type of casual elegance of such.
"I'll do it."
Soon he was standing on a frontier town set with saloon doors and plastic tumbleweeds and about to face Big Boss in the climactic showdown.
"It's just like real life!" Ocelot was full of wonder and awe.
Big Boss didn't have a gun, only a Chiquita banana, which he used to hold up a bank at banana point.
Ocelot said, "I've 'bout had it with this here ne'er-do-well. Come out 'n meet your maker John."
"Ocelot, why are you talking like that? Are you having a seizure?"
"Why do they call you John?"
"It's because I'm bisexual."
".......I'll have you dead 'n buried 'fore suppertime if my name ain't Maxamillion Whiskey."
"...What"
Ocelot then said his catch phrase like at 2:01 in this awful video
and shot at Big Boss who caught the bullet with his teeth.
Amazed, Ocelot professed his love for the fifty seventh time that day.
"Love me? Are you saying you want to do my taxes?"
"I'm saying I love you."
"Billy fell down the well?"
"I. Love. You."
"You killed Colonel Mustard? With the candlestick? In the observatory? Well to be honest, I never really cared for the guy. Don’t go bragging about it though."
"John, for the love of John-"
"Just kidding. I love you no homo."
"I love you homo fully intended."
Ocelot brought him to a field of mistletoe. "Hrnnn Ocelot what is all this crap on the ceiling I didn't know you had a secret garden."
"You're pretty."
Big Boss waited for Ocelot to finish his sentence. He waited a long time.
Homo on the Range opened to rave reviews as dictated by the Patriots and won 73 Oscars but no Baftas.
Kojima stopped by the premiere to show Big Boss his cast list.
"Mr. Kojima. Kojima chan. Hide. This list is simply unacceptable though I am intrigued by the potential of Mr. Tennant in the role of Mantis. Our true fans will be disgusted with the complete and utter lack of thought put into these casting choices. I cannot support this endeavor."
"Grad you see things my way :3" Kojima skipped away.
Liquid was there wearing a shirt.
The end.
* indicates this was painful to write.
I am now tired of writing British jokes. Also I keep seeing the image of Hugh Grant saying "Alas, my finger must have slipped," and then genuinely apologizing and blinking a lot.
Yes, that is Ocelot's voice actor in the video. This one is good as well as it's in a western theme and he talks about reload time. In an Leisure Suit Larry way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgJDd7ucLwU&feature=related
Also, this has nothing to do with the fic but I stopped by my park and saw a piece of a coaster being taken out. It was like seeing the severed limb of your child but worse.
RIP Invertigo. I kind of ignored you but I will miss you I guess. Yeah.
The sun was shining in Japan as Kojima woke up. "Ahh, what a beautifur day. Time to advance the gay agenda!" The look of glee in his eyes was unmistakable.
He bid his wife and children good morning with a hug and kiss each. They all look exactly like him.
Hideo was working on his latest gay propaganda piece, Metal Gear Solid 5: Guns and Hamsters of Hard Men. It takes place in England, where Big Boss is on a secret stealth mission to steal some awesome tea for Zero's leisurely consumption because Zero decided he was above paying for worldly goods. His trip here is what decisively drove him insane. As we join our intrepid hero, he is having a panic attack in Piccadilly Circus. A native comes up to him.
"Hey there, you alright?"
"I thought cricket only existed in fairy tales...Please don't hurt me," Big Boss whimpered. Cut to title screen. Theme song is “Tea Drinker.”
After writing Big Boss’ near death experience of almost drowning in a sea of scones, (perhaps he was suffocated by an excess of crumbs?) Kojima decided to take a break. He checked his lj flist for any new tags. He had been rejected at several games where he tried to app his OC Ocelot, apparently due to poor characterization.
"Hi there! I'm Adam but you can call me Ocelot, my super cool nick. I like goats and guns. I'm a spy and a professional asshole. In my spare time I watch movies and follow people. I'm prooooobably gonna end up shooting you." Hideo finished typing his tag to a new player. Ocelot and Frank had a special bond.
"What do those fangirrs know? He's MY character! If he decides to forget Big Bossu and become a professional snake milker and releaser of hounds it's cannon if I say so!" A bit later, Kojima was kicked out over god-moding issues. He opened his window to yell the spoiler, "Lj is the Patriots!" to the world. Satisfied and smug, he took a picture of his lunch for everyone on Twitter to marvel over.
Back at the den of domestic bliss known as Outer Mother Zanzibar Heaven, Zero was visiting and it was British as fuck.
The registered sex offender Strangelove was there as well for added effect. Ocelot grabbed Strangelove's boob but she let him because he looked so much like his mother. For a few years, she was convinced he was a lesbian. The intense concentration of Britishness made it hard to breathe. Well it would have if Big Boss was actually there, but he was in England.
"For Pete's sake, just go to the palace and take some tea! It really shouldn't be this hard for you, John," Zero radioed Big Boss. "Really, I'm almost tardy to my pedantry convention," he said to himself.
"For glory and the Crusades!" BB yelled as he quietly snuck into the castle. However, the Queen was waiting for him with a cup of tea.
"Good day to y-" Big Boss tackled and threw her across the room. Some British people feigned concern while others applauded. However, Zero was livid.
"How dare you treat my tax dependent like some common street urchin!"
"Speak English goddammit!" BB screamed as he sprinted out of the castle, tea in toe.
In a celebration of victory, Zero passed out copies of his new novel "Lenience & Punctuality". Set in the late eighteenth century, "Lenience & Punctuality" outlines the differences and subtle similarities between country and city life as seen through the perspective of a young and rambunctious barmaid curiously named David.
Elsewhere on the base, the three young clones were in need of attention.
"Hi. My name is Kaz, but some know me simply as "the other homo."
Kaz was on babysitting duty watching over four year old Solid, that turncoat British bitch Liquid, and Solidus, the middle child nobody gave a shit about even though he was the youngest.
Ocelot stumbled in mumbling something that sounded like "I hate when people lick my guns. Why do people lick my guns?"
"Raikov and mom do it because they know it gets to you. Then you can't stop yelling "BITCH" and it's clear they were successful," Solidus said, but everyone thought it was just the wind.
"Eat your fucking raisins." Ocelot's love and affection for children was legendary.
Raikov came in at the mention of his name. Shuffling over to the kids, he put on the Raikov mask. "Guess who I am!"
Solid tried to snap his neck but didn't have the strength. Ocelot had a special fondness for that one and made note to torture him later. Torture is an expression of love and Ocelot loved a lot of people.
“Hrmnnn,” articulated Snake.
“Hrmnn hrmnnnnn hrmn hrmmmmnnnnn,” agreed Big Boss. “But hrmnnnnnnnnnmnnnnnn.”
“Hrnmmnmnmn Hrmnsmfasd;lfsdm,” argued Snake.
“You watch your whore mouth,” ordered Big Boss.
Liquid said bitchily, “You didn’t even say anything except a bunch of Neanderthalesque grunts! What unspeakable evil have I sinned so as to be born to this family of peons?” Liquid and Solidus hugged and cried.
"One day, nobody will even notice their president nearly dead in a Power Rangers suit in the middle of Manhattan and you're going to be reduced to a fancy hand puppet." Somebody should have listened to Solidus. Poor bastard.
Kojima giggles and high fives that bitch Ryan Payton before taking a picture of the sky for future reference.
Zero returned from his pedantry convention and hosted an entertainment night for the base in which he showed "Bureaucracy and its Merits," a BBC Masterpiece Theatre production. During the screening, BB and Raikov shared a roadkill possum and the rest of the base just drank all of Zero's imported wine. Otacon was out on the prowl and hungry for men.
They stood together, homos all.
Once out of possum, BB gnawed on Liquid, who tasted like all British food and was awful. He tried Solidus next, who was chalky and sinewy. Future Ocelot's arm tasted bitter and misguided.
Paramedic was being Parachef and had cooked up a fantastic tri tip steak. She talked with BB and Raikov about possibly visiting Russia. "Be careful not to get one on you. Once a Russian likes you, you're stuck with it for life. They camp outside your window. They sleep next to you when you're in a coma. They jump into lakes and still manage to swim with flare pants. Bad times."
Back in Japan, Kojima was putting the finishing touches on the cast list for the live action Metal Gear movie.
Gary Busey - Colonel Campbell
Liam Neeson - The Markhour
Philip Seymour Hoffman - The other Markhour
Angela Lansbury - Old Eva
Hugh Grant - Ocelot and not the young Ocelot either AHAHAHAHA
David Hayter - Big Boss, Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, (dubbed with Cam Clarke) Solidus Snake
Angela Lansbury - Young Eva
A Cat With A Beret On Its Head/and/or Josh Hartnett - Ocelot*
Hard Gay - Kaz
Alan Rickman - Gene/Strangelove
Stephen Fry - Volgin
Hugh Laurie - Raikov
Sean Connery - Sigint
Jeremy Irons - Paramedic
Johnny Depp - Zero
David Tennant - Psycho Mantis
Rowan Atkinson - Vulcan Raven
Imelda Staunton - Sniper Wolf
Chuck Norris - Sunny/Mei-Ling/Meryl/Naomi
Shia Le Bouf - Grey Fox/Otacon*
Lee Van Cleef - The Sorrow/Ocelot and Snake in the final fight of mgs4
Clint Eastwood - The Boss
Sack of Potatoes - Raiden
Sack of Manure - Rose
A Jar of Iodine - Little John
Misha Collins - Vamp
"Big Boss will love the Britishness of my dream cast," Kojima kojimad kojimaly. He took a picture of his toaster for his Twitter.
Back at the base, Zero handed Ocelot a script. "I penned this Spaghetti Western with you in mind as the lead role. I hope to have it made into a moving picture."
"It's only Spaghetti if it's Italian made."
"It is if I say it is. I'm the Patriots."
Ocelot thumbed through the script.
The rain pounded down on the earth like stones on a martyred saint’s back while the unnamed man's features are made only more intriguing by the random and obscure scars that date across his face like lines to a treasure map. Coyotes howled in the distance like children of the night. He wore his bullet strap like a grizzled war scarf. Ocelot's buzz cut hair falls around his shoulders in a sort of casual elegance. His bullet sling was also of a type of casual elegance of such.
"I'll do it."
Soon he was standing on a frontier town set with saloon doors and plastic tumbleweeds and about to face Big Boss in the climactic showdown.
"It's just like real life!" Ocelot was full of wonder and awe.
Big Boss didn't have a gun, only a Chiquita banana, which he used to hold up a bank at banana point.
Ocelot said, "I've 'bout had it with this here ne'er-do-well. Come out 'n meet your maker John."
"Ocelot, why are you talking like that? Are you having a seizure?"
"Why do they call you John?"
"It's because I'm bisexual."
".......I'll have you dead 'n buried 'fore suppertime if my name ain't Maxamillion Whiskey."
"...What"
Ocelot then said his catch phrase like at 2:01 in this awful video
Click to viewand shot at Big Boss who caught the bullet with his teeth.
Amazed, Ocelot professed his love for the fifty seventh time that day.
"Love me? Are you saying you want to do my taxes?"
"I'm saying I love you."
"Billy fell down the well?"
"I. Love. You."
"You killed Colonel Mustard? With the candlestick? In the observatory? Well to be honest, I never really cared for the guy. Don’t go bragging about it though."
"John, for the love of John-"
"Just kidding. I love you no homo."
"I love you homo fully intended."
Ocelot brought him to a field of mistletoe. "Hrnnn Ocelot what is all this crap on the ceiling I didn't know you had a secret garden."
"You're pretty."
Big Boss waited for Ocelot to finish his sentence. He waited a long time.
Homo on the Range opened to rave reviews as dictated by the Patriots and won 73 Oscars but no Baftas.
Kojima stopped by the premiere to show Big Boss his cast list.
"Mr. Kojima. Kojima chan. Hide. This list is simply unacceptable though I am intrigued by the potential of Mr. Tennant in the role of Mantis. Our true fans will be disgusted with the complete and utter lack of thought put into these casting choices. I cannot support this endeavor."
"Grad you see things my way :3" Kojima skipped away.
Liquid was there wearing a shirt.
The end.
* indicates this was painful to write.
I am now tired of writing British jokes. Also I keep seeing the image of Hugh Grant saying "Alas, my finger must have slipped," and then genuinely apologizing and blinking a lot.
Yes, that is Ocelot's voice actor in the video. This one is good as well as it's in a western theme and he talks about reload time. In an Leisure Suit Larry way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgJDd7ucLwU&feature=related
Also, this has nothing to do with the fic but I stopped by my park and saw a piece of a coaster being taken out. It was like seeing the severed limb of your child but worse.
RIP Invertigo. I kind of ignored you but I will miss you I guess. Yeah.