Love Letters: "Rough Drafts"
03.19.09
When I am temporarily, partially vacant and unavailable, under chemical influences such as alcohol, MDMA or THC, my subconscious can easily seep out of my mouth like blood flowing freely from a gaping wound. They, as you once said, tend to interfere with one's self-censorship. Yes, it seems to be my style to say what's on my mind and the first things that come to my mind. But now is my time to consider and question my thoughts before - and whether or not - I say them aloud. It was pleasing to me, while I was high on MDMA, to consider my feelings for you, silently... the way I constantly and consistently feel about you, feel for you. The multitude of motivators for my ever-increasing, constant urge to propose marriage to you. The mountain of observations of who you are, what makes you what you are, the stuff that is "you." Combined with less obvious... intuitive vibes and messages from my core which delight, inspire, entertain me... which during sudden instances, make my abdominal organs twist and turn upside-down, tingling and churning, sometimes unpleasantly... and which make me wonder, shift my perspective of things again and again feeling like a wonderful, sometimes horrifying, but always magical, mystical song and dance of internal experiences.
Yes, when I was high on that silly MDMA chemical, I was pleased to observe my feelings for you in retrospect as well as in the moment and realize that my urge to propose to you was not exactly lessened... but the same and certainly not increased by the blissful, strange drug-induced state I was in. If anything, I may have been turned off by the idea as if it might appear less meaningful, less sincere... influenced by anything other than the perfect reality of that situation that is us. I was content to leave that idea alone while in the unnatural, childish state... hallucinating. On a very silly drug. The next day I recounted that thought process and... was slightly humbled by my interpretation of its meaning or meanings. I found it telling and sweet and honest.
It has been ages since I've seen new developments in this area of my life... and I'm continuously amazed by the natures of these new developments. Happiness extreme eventually plateaus...? Maybe. But this is still a very heightened location in which I've arrived via emotional elevator!
03.20.09
It wasn’t too cold. And the bus showed up five minutes early. There were no invisible yellow snake monsters… just a strange bald man two seats over whom I’m increasingly convinced is severely schizophrenic. I have a pretty good idea how he feels. And thinks.
Just saying.
Last night, while you were falling fast asleep, I rested my hand on you… as I often like to do. Emotion poured out of my heart, it seemed… So much love. It rushed to my face and out of my hands, washed all over and into you. Pressure, like a wall of water, under my face. I could almost cry. With joy. It doesn’t seem triggered by anything you say or do… BUT YOUR FACE!!! Certain expressions you make sometimes totally blow my mind and completely rip my heart open and it’s the most beautiful storm raging on inside of me.
This situation is so backwards in some ways. As if the most I’d ever know about you flew at me like a brick the first moment I met you. I had all of this information, all of this proof… slowly unfolding over time, separating piece by tiny piece of evidence. Slow elaboration.
There is something so nostalgic about you in my life. But without a history as far as I remember.
Can I marry you now? And you can marry me later, when you’re ready.
04.02.09
I don't know why I ever avoid getting up early and taking this bus ride home. I love bus time! It occurs to me that it has a lot to do with you, this funny state I'm often in during this ride home on the bus, early in the morning. Five lights on today's bus are glowing that beautiful color. Is this the Cat Bus? Is Lemon Demon adding to the effect? Probably. Either way, I feel like I'm on a bus to Disneyland! Nope, I'm just on a bus home from your house. I kind of can't believe that it's been four months and I'm still so twitterpated.
"I would never let anything happen to you." (pet, pet, pet)
04.13.09
I ate half of a donut at six this morning on my way to the bathroom. Mysteriously, I had a little trouble getting back to sleep right away... but I'm glad I did. Because I noticed you were sleeping facing me and there was a bit of morning light on us.
You look so beautiful when you sleep. I was watching you. The words suddenly occurred to me, "you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I considered then confirmed the idea in my mind.
Then your nose started twitching. Again, again and again. It was itching you, apparently. Finally, you rubbed it on your pillow and turned to sleep facing the other way. I was delighted by all of this. "I'm so glad I caught that!" I thought.
Sure, once you shave off your beard I'll miss rubbing my face on the fluff but first of all, I will have more of your gorgeous face to stare at and secondly, I realize that I will contrastingly enjoy rubbing my face on your soft cheeks. Either way, happy face rubbing will continue. We can be certain of that!
04.14.09
Reflection on my reaction to reviewing these Love Letters: "Rough Drafts", so far.
Hmmm... How do I put this? There are certain moments, certain things are connecting inside of my brain, I assume, while reviewing things I've written - thoughts I've had connected to feelings I have and places I've been internally during the creation of the above expressions and others, too... others that I've not recorded anywhere but in my mind. Presently, I'm referring specifically to the ones that concern you. I have moments... where, like I said, certain things all connect all at once and my stomach will seem to do a complete somersault. Or... I'll get a wave of acute goosebumps across my cheeks, rising from the sides of my neck. Sometimes, it's from the middle of my spine out around my rib cage, wings of goosebumps being painted, curled around my back. Or... like quiet, gentle bleeding or leaking of warmth deep inside from the middle of my upper chest.
It feels as though these are all reactions to many, tiny dots being connected all at once. I hate to succumb to video game analogies, or maybe I don't, but it's like one of those puzzle points where you get all the different elements or pieces needed and put them all together at once and the big, fancy, secret door opens with "awesome" music and a burst of pretty colored lights appear momentarily. Y'know what I mean? I love when that happens. In real life, I mean. What do I know??? I wish I knew more specifically what it meant. It's definitely some form of foreshadowing. Indistinctly prophetic, yeah.
Nice.
Very nice.
Life is very beautiful. In that... I can feel the things I feel during my life. I wish I could manifest art that came even remotely close to the feelings I've experienced and am experiencing now, for example. I wonder if emotions could be considered an art form? If so, I would say that I've got a knack for it. Hahahaha... *shrug*
Lately, I've had a recurring idea. I'm not even sure exactly how to explain it in words or if I can even call it an idea. It must be an idea...
I'll start with:
I sometimes do not connect quite as well to these fantastic emotions about you when I'm around you for various reasons, often depending on what we're doing and/or talking about.
Ah, yes... I used to catch myself losing most of my contact to all of my senses except for sight when I should have been listening to what you were saying to me, while staring at your face. I really am sorry about that. It's entirely involuntary and a completely new sensation for me. Um... but my recurring idea, lately, has been sudden and unexpected - when it does occur to me. Thankfully, it's done so while you're not talking, most of the time. The idea of simply looking at you. Without thinking about what my face is doing or anything I want to say or do, necessarily. Not desiring any sort of reaction in particular from you or... interaction, even - necessarily. Eye-contact is nice, when I'm doing this. Mostly, though, I am just observing you from a deep, quiet, pure place in my perspective. Which I've never really done before - at least, not without being sure that I was not being observed doing so. This, I realize, is definitely a security issue of mine or... something to do with being self-conscious about my observing a person in this way and/or worrying about what my face is doing or suddenly being caught in this act, being asked what I'm doing or thinking and so on. This might have something to do with my tendency to say what's true when asked a question, especially about what I'm thinking or feeling or doing at any given moment. Which would explain why I would be self-conscious about observing in this way outside of the privacy of my own journal or solitude.
If that makes any sense.
At any rate, this is something I've been doing lately almost involuntarily but quite consciously and... it feels very good. Very pleasant. I notice that it happens to be bonding for me. Maybe this is just the beginning. Perhaps I'll be able to do this more with other people, with my closest friends. It puts me in a social realm of deep reflection on loved ones which in a sense, does make me vulnerable... mostly because people tend to ask me either what I'm doing, thinking or feeling when I stare at them in silence with this particular look on my face. And, like I said... ask and you shall receive, especially if you're asking me.
In the rare case that I do not deliver an answer to your question... it's likely that I have some stupid reason why I'm holding it back. In this scenario, I recommend pressing me harder for the answer, whatever the question may be.
There is not much that I hate more than choking on my own honest answers. But it happens. I'm often intimidated by what I see as the power of what I have to express. Even if it's just the power it has over me.
Sorry if I'm being vague. I'm still working on getting over my intimidation of myself. Hahaha...
When I am temporarily, partially vacant and unavailable, under chemical influences such as alcohol, MDMA or THC, my subconscious can easily seep out of my mouth like blood flowing freely from a gaping wound. They, as you once said, tend to interfere with one's self-censorship. Yes, it seems to be my style to say what's on my mind and the first things that come to my mind. But now is my time to consider and question my thoughts before - and whether or not - I say them aloud. It was pleasing to me, while I was high on MDMA, to consider my feelings for you, silently... the way I constantly and consistently feel about you, feel for you. The multitude of motivators for my ever-increasing, constant urge to propose marriage to you. The mountain of observations of who you are, what makes you what you are, the stuff that is "you." Combined with less obvious... intuitive vibes and messages from my core which delight, inspire, entertain me... which during sudden instances, make my abdominal organs twist and turn upside-down, tingling and churning, sometimes unpleasantly... and which make me wonder, shift my perspective of things again and again feeling like a wonderful, sometimes horrifying, but always magical, mystical song and dance of internal experiences.
Yes, when I was high on that silly MDMA chemical, I was pleased to observe my feelings for you in retrospect as well as in the moment and realize that my urge to propose to you was not exactly lessened... but the same and certainly not increased by the blissful, strange drug-induced state I was in. If anything, I may have been turned off by the idea as if it might appear less meaningful, less sincere... influenced by anything other than the perfect reality of that situation that is us. I was content to leave that idea alone while in the unnatural, childish state... hallucinating. On a very silly drug. The next day I recounted that thought process and... was slightly humbled by my interpretation of its meaning or meanings. I found it telling and sweet and honest.
It has been ages since I've seen new developments in this area of my life... and I'm continuously amazed by the natures of these new developments. Happiness extreme eventually plateaus...? Maybe. But this is still a very heightened location in which I've arrived via emotional elevator!
03.20.09
It wasn’t too cold. And the bus showed up five minutes early. There were no invisible yellow snake monsters… just a strange bald man two seats over whom I’m increasingly convinced is severely schizophrenic. I have a pretty good idea how he feels. And thinks.
Just saying.
Last night, while you were falling fast asleep, I rested my hand on you… as I often like to do. Emotion poured out of my heart, it seemed… So much love. It rushed to my face and out of my hands, washed all over and into you. Pressure, like a wall of water, under my face. I could almost cry. With joy. It doesn’t seem triggered by anything you say or do… BUT YOUR FACE!!! Certain expressions you make sometimes totally blow my mind and completely rip my heart open and it’s the most beautiful storm raging on inside of me.
This situation is so backwards in some ways. As if the most I’d ever know about you flew at me like a brick the first moment I met you. I had all of this information, all of this proof… slowly unfolding over time, separating piece by tiny piece of evidence. Slow elaboration.
There is something so nostalgic about you in my life. But without a history as far as I remember.
Can I marry you now? And you can marry me later, when you’re ready.
04.02.09
I don't know why I ever avoid getting up early and taking this bus ride home. I love bus time! It occurs to me that it has a lot to do with you, this funny state I'm often in during this ride home on the bus, early in the morning. Five lights on today's bus are glowing that beautiful color. Is this the Cat Bus? Is Lemon Demon adding to the effect? Probably. Either way, I feel like I'm on a bus to Disneyland! Nope, I'm just on a bus home from your house. I kind of can't believe that it's been four months and I'm still so twitterpated.
"I would never let anything happen to you." (pet, pet, pet)
04.13.09
I ate half of a donut at six this morning on my way to the bathroom. Mysteriously, I had a little trouble getting back to sleep right away... but I'm glad I did. Because I noticed you were sleeping facing me and there was a bit of morning light on us.
You look so beautiful when you sleep. I was watching you. The words suddenly occurred to me, "you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I considered then confirmed the idea in my mind.
Then your nose started twitching. Again, again and again. It was itching you, apparently. Finally, you rubbed it on your pillow and turned to sleep facing the other way. I was delighted by all of this. "I'm so glad I caught that!" I thought.
Sure, once you shave off your beard I'll miss rubbing my face on the fluff but first of all, I will have more of your gorgeous face to stare at and secondly, I realize that I will contrastingly enjoy rubbing my face on your soft cheeks. Either way, happy face rubbing will continue. We can be certain of that!
04.14.09
Reflection on my reaction to reviewing these Love Letters: "Rough Drafts", so far.
Hmmm... How do I put this? There are certain moments, certain things are connecting inside of my brain, I assume, while reviewing things I've written - thoughts I've had connected to feelings I have and places I've been internally during the creation of the above expressions and others, too... others that I've not recorded anywhere but in my mind. Presently, I'm referring specifically to the ones that concern you. I have moments... where, like I said, certain things all connect all at once and my stomach will seem to do a complete somersault. Or... I'll get a wave of acute goosebumps across my cheeks, rising from the sides of my neck. Sometimes, it's from the middle of my spine out around my rib cage, wings of goosebumps being painted, curled around my back. Or... like quiet, gentle bleeding or leaking of warmth deep inside from the middle of my upper chest.
It feels as though these are all reactions to many, tiny dots being connected all at once. I hate to succumb to video game analogies, or maybe I don't, but it's like one of those puzzle points where you get all the different elements or pieces needed and put them all together at once and the big, fancy, secret door opens with "awesome" music and a burst of pretty colored lights appear momentarily. Y'know what I mean? I love when that happens. In real life, I mean. What do I know??? I wish I knew more specifically what it meant. It's definitely some form of foreshadowing. Indistinctly prophetic, yeah.
Nice.
Very nice.
Life is very beautiful. In that... I can feel the things I feel during my life. I wish I could manifest art that came even remotely close to the feelings I've experienced and am experiencing now, for example. I wonder if emotions could be considered an art form? If so, I would say that I've got a knack for it. Hahahaha... *shrug*
Lately, I've had a recurring idea. I'm not even sure exactly how to explain it in words or if I can even call it an idea. It must be an idea...
I'll start with:
I sometimes do not connect quite as well to these fantastic emotions about you when I'm around you for various reasons, often depending on what we're doing and/or talking about.
Ah, yes... I used to catch myself losing most of my contact to all of my senses except for sight when I should have been listening to what you were saying to me, while staring at your face. I really am sorry about that. It's entirely involuntary and a completely new sensation for me. Um... but my recurring idea, lately, has been sudden and unexpected - when it does occur to me. Thankfully, it's done so while you're not talking, most of the time. The idea of simply looking at you. Without thinking about what my face is doing or anything I want to say or do, necessarily. Not desiring any sort of reaction in particular from you or... interaction, even - necessarily. Eye-contact is nice, when I'm doing this. Mostly, though, I am just observing you from a deep, quiet, pure place in my perspective. Which I've never really done before - at least, not without being sure that I was not being observed doing so. This, I realize, is definitely a security issue of mine or... something to do with being self-conscious about my observing a person in this way and/or worrying about what my face is doing or suddenly being caught in this act, being asked what I'm doing or thinking and so on. This might have something to do with my tendency to say what's true when asked a question, especially about what I'm thinking or feeling or doing at any given moment. Which would explain why I would be self-conscious about observing in this way outside of the privacy of my own journal or solitude.
If that makes any sense.
At any rate, this is something I've been doing lately almost involuntarily but quite consciously and... it feels very good. Very pleasant. I notice that it happens to be bonding for me. Maybe this is just the beginning. Perhaps I'll be able to do this more with other people, with my closest friends. It puts me in a social realm of deep reflection on loved ones which in a sense, does make me vulnerable... mostly because people tend to ask me either what I'm doing, thinking or feeling when I stare at them in silence with this particular look on my face. And, like I said... ask and you shall receive, especially if you're asking me.
In the rare case that I do not deliver an answer to your question... it's likely that I have some stupid reason why I'm holding it back. In this scenario, I recommend pressing me harder for the answer, whatever the question may be.
There is not much that I hate more than choking on my own honest answers. But it happens. I'm often intimidated by what I see as the power of what I have to express. Even if it's just the power it has over me.
Sorry if I'm being vague. I'm still working on getting over my intimidation of myself. Hahaha...