Harry Potter Revised ~ Forget That Stupid Seventh Book
(The following is *SNARK* and if you don't have a sense of humor, please don't try to read it. Trust me, it's over your head.)
Hey Kids! Did you know you could just throw away or burn that last Harry Potter book, The Deathly Hallows? Yeah, just do it. It will set you free and lower your blood pressure.
And don't believe all that stuff JKR said about it taking her 15 years or so to write that last chapter. Heh, Heh. Did she really expect us to fall for all that happy family nonsense with Harry living a straight life with Ginny and one of his kids named after Severus Snape? And holy cannoli - who would fall for the line about Snape as the "bravest man"?
Because only a true mentally deficient IDIOT would think that anyone could ever in a million years forgive and forget that Snape joined a Radical Terrorist Organization. After all, he was the sole reason that Lily Evans and her husband, dearest James, died in the line of duty for the Order of the Phoenix. He was a baby killer. He "enjoyed" it. Get it? Do you get it? Because if you don't I may have to name names and spout off and report you to Moderators and band together with my sistahs on Snape's birthday to make sure you never forget it. It's my mission in life now. It's all I have. So let me get in your face right now and explain it to you in terms a mental deficient can understand. But I'm doing this in all kindness, for your own good, because I care.
And really, let's just go back and cut out the last few chapters of Half-Blood Prince as well, back to the golden time when anything was possible and half of fandom still had a fighting chance to predict a correct ending for these books. Because we did, you know. We had it right up until that horrible Book Seven. Some editor Troll must have stolen JKR's notes and committed some foul act of book-terrorism or mysogyny against women writers because they changed her golden prose into a false travesty of literature by wasting so much time on Severus Snape in Book Seven.
Anyone who doesn't agree with me is just deluded, on drugs, or is simply one of the army Snape Fans who have ruined Fandom for so many of us because they do things like quote from Book Seven, as if that book even matters. That's just crossing over the line of insanity. And I'm saying that from the bottom of my heart, as a friend to all of them, and as someone who loves Snape as much as I love any other character. I say that because I love how horrible Snape truly was, and I need him to be that way to make my theories work, so anyone with a different opinion can just shut the hell up right now.
Wait . . . No, actually I need you to argue with me, so I can prove my points again and again to fulfill my destiny as a Fan who knows more than you do. Because I really do, you know. So shut up and listen to me or I'll tell the Moderators on you, neener, neener, neener!
The point is, we can believe that Lupin was actually the Prince instead of Snape if we want to. Lupin was a nice teacher who always managed to be so understanding and sweet, even when he was knocking Harry down during Boggart lessons or chastising him for using the Marauder's Map. He knocked Harry down "gently" you know. He yelled at Harry with kindness. Like Lily, he was filled with sweetness. He was a sweet guy - that's what he was. He would have made such a good and helpful Prince, like Prince Charming from a Fairy Tale, or some rags-to-riches story. That would be so cool. (Ignore the fact that Lupin died in that evil last book, or even that Sirius died in Book Five - just tear out that page, and voila, Sirius is alive again!)
Or you could believe as Harry believed that his father, James, was the true Prince. And anything Harry believed is a much more satisfying and true interpretation than anything tacked on at the end about Snape being different than he was, some kind of redeemed nice guy. Everyone knows that Harry hated Snape, and sometimes even Ron hated Snape, and what was all that about if not to give us clues that Snape should be hated, often and with gusto?
So we have to understand that Harry is the key to the series, and the real hero, and we can't have any other heroes cluttering the place. JKR said so, and what she says, even inside her own home, is canon, as long as we find out about it later. If JKR says to her husband that she doesn't really like parsnips, then by God, no more parsnips for us!
James knew that Snape "existed" just to be a horrible, horrible, boy who needed to be put in his place ~ he says so in OotP. And if a character says it and we believe it, then it's canon and no one can dispute that without being a negative delusional Snape-loving idiot. So don't go quoting stuff about Harry feeling pity for Snape because that just can't be true in my world. I mean, if I don't remember it, and if my books are out of reach, and I'm very careful never to open any of those books again, then I can believe what I please. That's my opinion. So if I see a fan fic that is just as valid for me, then who the hell cares what quote you use from the book!
Once James discovered that Snape "existed" what else could he do but hunt Snape down daily and beat the crap out of him in the name of justice? And he managed to do it in an instructive way so that Snape would never forget it - that's canon. And it became part of Snape's shame, although he didn't mind throwing James and Baby Harry under the bus later after he blurted the Prophecy to Voldemort, which is as foul and heinous a crime as anything on this earth and unforgivable. Because what Snape should have done right then and there was to tell Voldemort where to stuff his Dark Mark and let Voldemort zap him into a greasy spot on the floor before he betrayed his old classmates, even if they were his worst enemies. It's the least he could do for them, after all they taught him about his place in the world.
And therefore, in the canon, James actually became the real Prince, figuratively, if not literally, since "literally" can mean the words on the page as JKR wrote them, and thus, anything James, Sirius, Remus, or Lily said about themselves as "cool" or Snape as an "oddball" throughout the books is as valid as anything else. If you understand literature that is. Although some Snape fans and Slytherin types clearly do not.
And I understand Literature so well because one time I drove my car to the library and checked out a book that wasn't even HP related, and it was a book with words in it, and I managed to read 3/4's of it before I fell asleep. So I know what I'm talking about - my own mother said so! And not only that, I'm writing words now! So that's all you really need to grasp these literary matters. I know the real truth about these books, based on my extensive thought processes and reading several fan fics a day in which there is no Snape (what a relief) and Lupin became a Prince and James a King and Lily the Queen and Sirius the Court Jester and Peter a sweet little mouse curled up inside a mincemeat pie.
Now we get to the whole point of the House System. James was Princely by birth. His family was a Gryffindorish Pureblood House going back to Godric himself, and especially due to his sorting into the proper House of Gryffindor, where Princes really come from, unlike Snape, who was sorted into the Gunk House that settles at the bottom of the lowliest sewer at Hogwarts, in the foul Stink-Hole that is Slytherin House, with it's ugly poisonous mascot and despicable green color. Why should they "own" green anyway? Green belongs to everybody! Green is trees, and recycling, and herbal tea--nothing that has to do with Slytherins. Ha Ha - the jokes on Slytheirn again! They get nothing!
There's not a single ray of light in the history of that House, and therefore it attracts the most hard-hearted eleven-year-olds in the Wizarding World, children so horrible that they dare to memorize spells just to make the Gryffindors look bad. Like Draco, they know how to fly long before kids like Harry or Neville ever have a chance. And that's why they should all be exterminated like crunchy Doxies and tossed into a bottomless snake pit where they belong.
Yes, you heard me, Slytherins should be walled up inside the Dungeon and burned to a crisp with Fiendfyre just because they "exist." Existence for them is not necessary, because heck, who needs them? For once, Crabbe had a good idea in his fat, ugly, big-headed Junior Death Eater Racist Terrorist Pureblooded mind. And I'm saying that in all admiration for him, as I realize he was failed by everyone in his life, including his parents and especially Severus Snape.
Just ignore that part in HBP about Snape wanting to help Crabbe and Goyle study for their O.W.L.'s. What a joke! Snape never taught anyone anything in his life, not even the Slytherins. He didn't know how to be a teacher, and all that stuff about Snape wanting to "teach" Harry something in "Flight of the Prince" is a falsehood and a misinterpretation by truly horrible people who make stuff up. As Harry flailed in pain on the ground, Snape stood over him telling him to shut up and close his mind. That's because Snape was also "closed-minded." You see how that works? He wanted Harry to be a limp vegetable in the cauldron of life. He wanted Harry to writhe on the ground while he struck him with whips and chains, and he managed to do all that and more before running away with his true friends, the Death Eaters. That made Snape happy, just as killing Dumbledore made him happy, and certainly watching Charity Burbage die made him happy because he hated everybody. He really wanted to be the Dark Lord's pet, but he couldn't because of the Elder Wand. Why don't people understand that part? Snape didn't care about Harry!!!!!!!! He just wanted the fame and glory of being with all those other mean people.
Anyone who could do that could never have truly loved Lily, not even if we read between every line and assume that maybe Snape knew Lily before she met James. How do we KNOW that? So they saw each other once or twice as children while Snape abused poor little Petunia. So they got on the train at the same time. What difference does all that make? It really doesn't matter, especially to me, so the Prince's Tale is an unecessary chapter. Rip it out! Rip as in R.I.P.
Lily's true destiny was to become the cherry-bomb of Gryffindor, fall in love with James the Prince, and denounce Snape as the hideous excuse for a human being that he was at age 17. Then she had baby Harry, the light of her life. That is all right and good, and led to the greatest story ever told, of Lily's sacrifice for Harry which led to Harry becoming the real hero that he was.
All that other silly stuff . . . Forgetaboutit!
Hey Kids! Did you know you could just throw away or burn that last Harry Potter book, The Deathly Hallows? Yeah, just do it. It will set you free and lower your blood pressure.
And don't believe all that stuff JKR said about it taking her 15 years or so to write that last chapter. Heh, Heh. Did she really expect us to fall for all that happy family nonsense with Harry living a straight life with Ginny and one of his kids named after Severus Snape? And holy cannoli - who would fall for the line about Snape as the "bravest man"?
Because only a true mentally deficient IDIOT would think that anyone could ever in a million years forgive and forget that Snape joined a Radical Terrorist Organization. After all, he was the sole reason that Lily Evans and her husband, dearest James, died in the line of duty for the Order of the Phoenix. He was a baby killer. He "enjoyed" it. Get it? Do you get it? Because if you don't I may have to name names and spout off and report you to Moderators and band together with my sistahs on Snape's birthday to make sure you never forget it. It's my mission in life now. It's all I have. So let me get in your face right now and explain it to you in terms a mental deficient can understand. But I'm doing this in all kindness, for your own good, because I care.
And really, let's just go back and cut out the last few chapters of Half-Blood Prince as well, back to the golden time when anything was possible and half of fandom still had a fighting chance to predict a correct ending for these books. Because we did, you know. We had it right up until that horrible Book Seven. Some editor Troll must have stolen JKR's notes and committed some foul act of book-terrorism or mysogyny against women writers because they changed her golden prose into a false travesty of literature by wasting so much time on Severus Snape in Book Seven.
Anyone who doesn't agree with me is just deluded, on drugs, or is simply one of the army Snape Fans who have ruined Fandom for so many of us because they do things like quote from Book Seven, as if that book even matters. That's just crossing over the line of insanity. And I'm saying that from the bottom of my heart, as a friend to all of them, and as someone who loves Snape as much as I love any other character. I say that because I love how horrible Snape truly was, and I need him to be that way to make my theories work, so anyone with a different opinion can just shut the hell up right now.
Wait . . . No, actually I need you to argue with me, so I can prove my points again and again to fulfill my destiny as a Fan who knows more than you do. Because I really do, you know. So shut up and listen to me or I'll tell the Moderators on you, neener, neener, neener!
The point is, we can believe that Lupin was actually the Prince instead of Snape if we want to. Lupin was a nice teacher who always managed to be so understanding and sweet, even when he was knocking Harry down during Boggart lessons or chastising him for using the Marauder's Map. He knocked Harry down "gently" you know. He yelled at Harry with kindness. Like Lily, he was filled with sweetness. He was a sweet guy - that's what he was. He would have made such a good and helpful Prince, like Prince Charming from a Fairy Tale, or some rags-to-riches story. That would be so cool. (Ignore the fact that Lupin died in that evil last book, or even that Sirius died in Book Five - just tear out that page, and voila, Sirius is alive again!)
Or you could believe as Harry believed that his father, James, was the true Prince. And anything Harry believed is a much more satisfying and true interpretation than anything tacked on at the end about Snape being different than he was, some kind of redeemed nice guy. Everyone knows that Harry hated Snape, and sometimes even Ron hated Snape, and what was all that about if not to give us clues that Snape should be hated, often and with gusto?
So we have to understand that Harry is the key to the series, and the real hero, and we can't have any other heroes cluttering the place. JKR said so, and what she says, even inside her own home, is canon, as long as we find out about it later. If JKR says to her husband that she doesn't really like parsnips, then by God, no more parsnips for us!
James knew that Snape "existed" just to be a horrible, horrible, boy who needed to be put in his place ~ he says so in OotP. And if a character says it and we believe it, then it's canon and no one can dispute that without being a negative delusional Snape-loving idiot. So don't go quoting stuff about Harry feeling pity for Snape because that just can't be true in my world. I mean, if I don't remember it, and if my books are out of reach, and I'm very careful never to open any of those books again, then I can believe what I please. That's my opinion. So if I see a fan fic that is just as valid for me, then who the hell cares what quote you use from the book!
Once James discovered that Snape "existed" what else could he do but hunt Snape down daily and beat the crap out of him in the name of justice? And he managed to do it in an instructive way so that Snape would never forget it - that's canon. And it became part of Snape's shame, although he didn't mind throwing James and Baby Harry under the bus later after he blurted the Prophecy to Voldemort, which is as foul and heinous a crime as anything on this earth and unforgivable. Because what Snape should have done right then and there was to tell Voldemort where to stuff his Dark Mark and let Voldemort zap him into a greasy spot on the floor before he betrayed his old classmates, even if they were his worst enemies. It's the least he could do for them, after all they taught him about his place in the world.
And therefore, in the canon, James actually became the real Prince, figuratively, if not literally, since "literally" can mean the words on the page as JKR wrote them, and thus, anything James, Sirius, Remus, or Lily said about themselves as "cool" or Snape as an "oddball" throughout the books is as valid as anything else. If you understand literature that is. Although some Snape fans and Slytherin types clearly do not.
And I understand Literature so well because one time I drove my car to the library and checked out a book that wasn't even HP related, and it was a book with words in it, and I managed to read 3/4's of it before I fell asleep. So I know what I'm talking about - my own mother said so! And not only that, I'm writing words now! So that's all you really need to grasp these literary matters. I know the real truth about these books, based on my extensive thought processes and reading several fan fics a day in which there is no Snape (what a relief) and Lupin became a Prince and James a King and Lily the Queen and Sirius the Court Jester and Peter a sweet little mouse curled up inside a mincemeat pie.
Now we get to the whole point of the House System. James was Princely by birth. His family was a Gryffindorish Pureblood House going back to Godric himself, and especially due to his sorting into the proper House of Gryffindor, where Princes really come from, unlike Snape, who was sorted into the Gunk House that settles at the bottom of the lowliest sewer at Hogwarts, in the foul Stink-Hole that is Slytherin House, with it's ugly poisonous mascot and despicable green color. Why should they "own" green anyway? Green belongs to everybody! Green is trees, and recycling, and herbal tea--nothing that has to do with Slytherins. Ha Ha - the jokes on Slytheirn again! They get nothing!
There's not a single ray of light in the history of that House, and therefore it attracts the most hard-hearted eleven-year-olds in the Wizarding World, children so horrible that they dare to memorize spells just to make the Gryffindors look bad. Like Draco, they know how to fly long before kids like Harry or Neville ever have a chance. And that's why they should all be exterminated like crunchy Doxies and tossed into a bottomless snake pit where they belong.
Yes, you heard me, Slytherins should be walled up inside the Dungeon and burned to a crisp with Fiendfyre just because they "exist." Existence for them is not necessary, because heck, who needs them? For once, Crabbe had a good idea in his fat, ugly, big-headed Junior Death Eater Racist Terrorist Pureblooded mind. And I'm saying that in all admiration for him, as I realize he was failed by everyone in his life, including his parents and especially Severus Snape.
Just ignore that part in HBP about Snape wanting to help Crabbe and Goyle study for their O.W.L.'s. What a joke! Snape never taught anyone anything in his life, not even the Slytherins. He didn't know how to be a teacher, and all that stuff about Snape wanting to "teach" Harry something in "Flight of the Prince" is a falsehood and a misinterpretation by truly horrible people who make stuff up. As Harry flailed in pain on the ground, Snape stood over him telling him to shut up and close his mind. That's because Snape was also "closed-minded." You see how that works? He wanted Harry to be a limp vegetable in the cauldron of life. He wanted Harry to writhe on the ground while he struck him with whips and chains, and he managed to do all that and more before running away with his true friends, the Death Eaters. That made Snape happy, just as killing Dumbledore made him happy, and certainly watching Charity Burbage die made him happy because he hated everybody. He really wanted to be the Dark Lord's pet, but he couldn't because of the Elder Wand. Why don't people understand that part? Snape didn't care about Harry!!!!!!!! He just wanted the fame and glory of being with all those other mean people.
Anyone who could do that could never have truly loved Lily, not even if we read between every line and assume that maybe Snape knew Lily before she met James. How do we KNOW that? So they saw each other once or twice as children while Snape abused poor little Petunia. So they got on the train at the same time. What difference does all that make? It really doesn't matter, especially to me, so the Prince's Tale is an unecessary chapter. Rip it out! Rip as in R.I.P.
Lily's true destiny was to become the cherry-bomb of Gryffindor, fall in love with James the Prince, and denounce Snape as the hideous excuse for a human being that he was at age 17. Then she had baby Harry, the light of her life. That is all right and good, and led to the greatest story ever told, of Lily's sacrifice for Harry which led to Harry becoming the real hero that he was.
All that other silly stuff . . . Forgetaboutit!