Cleansed of Everything That We’ve Said
Starting to think the best thing about Emo Nite is that it gives me something to write about on a monthly basis. I'm straight killing it on entries this year. They're all a mess, but they're here. LJ in 2016 is in full effect.
After how good I seemed to think August was, this month was not. It was weird. The whole night was kinda weird.
I decided to go on a kick of "everyone else needs to make plans because I'm sick of always being the one to do everything." Wow did that backfire in my face. I didn't invite Kendra at all who probably would've went had I offered to pay. Frances didn't get out of work on time. No big deal, I'm comfortable with Ricky's friends now, right? Me being alone with them should be A+ and totally cool. Welp.
I get there and only one of them I know is in line, and she's pretty far back. One of the first things she says to me is that they're all on the guestlist. I'm suprised and try to play it off but am honest that Ricky didn't say anything at all to me, even though we'd talked that morning.
Soon enough, more of the group comes, which is still a couple of people short, but the rest I know. They got there late since one of them had to work, so, once they get there, they're obviously sober and need a little time to decompress from being in the car. Also, one of them asks me where my friends are. So now there are so many things creating a weird tone over being in line.
Everyone is sober, a little iffy, Ricky isn't meeting us outside at all so I'm without a single usual friend and am just taking my lone chances in the group, and I'm the only one not listed. Weird!
Right before getting in Amber texts me and I start to let loose on her with how weird I feel about everything. I'm taking it pretty hard because I kind of activetly made the choice to submerse myself in the group and it just isn't going at all how I expected. I was excited for fun and now am not so sure what's going to happen.
Once we get inside, I take a seat and actively avoid paying any attention to Ricky onstage. Shortly after, me and one of his friends who I only met the previous month start trying to find the best bar to get a drink. We walk to every single one and end up just giving up for a while because they're all too damn busy. I kind of feel like I had the most conversation and hangs with her, which is surprising since, like I said, she has been least familiar to me. But that was cool. Like, we didn't hug when she got there but I did hug her goodbye.
They are all kind of freaking out that it takes him longer than usual to join us, but I know he's busy. If he's not texting and not around it isn't because he's avoiding, it's honestly because he's focused on something. When he comes, he hands me a PBR. (last time we hung out we talked about how I think they suck but I'd still drink one of he was sneaking them out) But I'm standing kind of in the middle of everyone and against the wall, so he comes straight up the middle, parting everyone. This is definitely drunken focus, but I can see all of them watch this moment of him handing only me this beer, and they giggle at how I tuck it under my arm since I've already got a drink in hand. I wasn't upset about the guestlist before, but now I am.
So, I text him something crazy. He replies confused. I reply that it's okay I'm not on the guestlist since I've been on before but not mentioning it was shady. Which is true, I wasn't mad about not being listed, but not even letting me know that everyone else was just fucking sucked and I felt like I looked stupid. Ohhhh he did not like being called shady.
The thing is. A lot of my night, like last time, is pretty damn fuzzy. Like, I am missing entire parts of my night. My pre-entry drink + double dirty shirley + pbr and I am gone. So I have no idea how long before he comes back over but he does come and apologize, er, explain? You know when you're very drunk and things become sensory? I remember him being in front of me again, talk on my left side. I rememer kinda holding him by the waist maybe?? He definitely said "...you've been there." And I VERY drunkenly said, "IZZ FYYNE." I literally do no remember a single other part of that moment. Jesus christ.
Thankfully, he went to Bayside the next night and we talked a little more about it. Earlier in the day I text him telling him I was pretty sure he said things but I rememered none of them. He said we could talk about it again, but that we hugged a lot. I do not even know but I am a little embarassed. Not of my feelings, just how I approached them. Also, the drunkenness.
Adding to the nights weirdness we've got good old Cameron. He was far more present this time which I hated. I saw him with girls a few times, but he hung out with me for a bit. He also talked A LOT and I remember almost none of it. Both us in our intoxication. He talked to me about his friend wanting to hit on my friend. Uh, no. That girl in particular left kind of early in the night to go hang out with some guy anyways, which also added to the weirdness of the night.
When I left I saw Cam outside, across the way but we waved at each other.
I realize how grossed out I am by him going out. And honestly, most people, I guess? He and his friends strictly go out to find girls. Not necessarily to fuck with - or at least he didn't used to - but to find something with. I do get it. This is how normal people who have relationships do things and based on my hatred of dating apps, this is kind of what I want. I want to organically meet someone in real life, in person, in the world. But I guess that straight-forward prowl is just too much for me. It's OK and NORMAL and I'm still like EWW NO WHY. Ugh.
Me not being wanted by anyone in this goddamn world is another entry I'm trying to write, though.
Mostly, I need to turn the fuck down on my drinking. I had decided to take the day after Emo Nite off because last time I was hurtin' at work in hangover land and this time I also had Bayside the next night so I wanted to be able to rest. Well. Knowing I was going to rest and being upset I drank WAY too much. Add one more double dirty shirley to my previous total. So, essentially, that's like 6 drinks + 1 beer, cuz my pre-game drink is vvvvvvv strong. Between essentially blacking out through the night (????I don't like to say blacking out but it's accurate if you don't remember things right???) and going to sleep in my car for about 90mins after leaving the venue, I was a mess. And holy fuck was I a hungover mess the next day. I took the most difficult shower of my life trying to get ready for Bayside. I had to take a lot of lay down breaks in between hair and makeup. I didn't feel super okay till about 5pm. Even then, the lights at the venue did not feel great.
Guys, who am I? I know this is what people say everytime they're hungover, but I can't do that anymore. I've got to stop drinking once I'm drunk. I don't like not remembering. And if I were a different looking girl who boys were actually noticing I think my nights could be ending much worse. Getting a little scary when I don't have anyone by my side. Oof. I wanna quiet down the crazy not turn up the grabby/yelly/unsafe.
Soooo yeah. I guess that's that. I have to say, I have not given Amber nearly enough credit for spot on knowing exactly who Cameron and Ricky are just from the information I've given her. She has been saying Cam is an asshole pretty much since I first told her about him. And after everything recently, I now know she has been right. I've constantly forgiven him because of the person I got to see and share time with, and while he obviously does have that side of him, it's become more evident that he is a mostly a shithead. It's not like he hasn't told me this himself, but I guess until experiencing it first hand I was happy to know him as I did. Still, I am happy I got to see that side of him because I know it was genuine, but until he realizes how important that side of him is, he is going to keep being an asshole to the world.
Ricky, I keep trying to vilify. I have allowed myself to feel like garbage because of him so many times this year and what I've been doing is giving him too much credit. Now, I do think I should be able to expect more from him, but also, when he fucks up, it is not malicious or intentional, he really is just kind of fucking dumb.
When we talked at Bayside he realized that he messed up and made wrong assumptions. I watched his face and heard his voice - they were similar to when he admitted to not caring about my dumb texts when I HAD to call him out - which is that he only realized how he was being once I told him. So, he wasn't trying to exlude me and he wasn't trying to be a jerk by forgetting about me. Although I do want to be hurt and annoyed that he did, in fact, forget about me because hi, THAT SUCKS, you're my friend I want to be in your mind, I also get that his brain is all over the place. As Amber has said, he needs things spelled out for him. And it's true. This has been the basis for our new relationship all year - him not quite understanding what his actions are projecting. He is dumb. <3
I do live in a bit of fear constantly calling him out, though, and that's a conversation I'd like to have. I feel like I'm always being very dramatic. After my last Ricky meltdown, she told me how my feelings are valid and I should allow them to me and that's so true. Me calling myself dramatic is me acting like my feelings are valid and trying to play them off and I need to stop that. But, I also know how I can talk things in circles and into the ground until it's just not interesting or educational anymore so I'm also trying to avoid that. Meh. Now that he's not with that girl he's been trying to hang out with me more, but between being sick and having my mom visit I haven't been free. But at least he tries to initiate hanging out!
So many things y'all and at the same time nothing at all.
Oh oh oh. New All Time Low DVD. I don't have too many overwhelming feelings about it but I do love that band and think they deserve the fucking world. And they are definitely trying to get it. Do you, boys. All the hearts.
Oh yeah, and Bayside was fucking great! Singing songs about fucking hating yourself makes me smile so wide. Genuinely, just huge grins when I'd sing certain lyrics that felt so good and perfect. Gah! Too bad I barely remember Anthony (and Summer Set singer and Teen Wolf) DJing since I don't remember.
After how good I seemed to think August was, this month was not. It was weird. The whole night was kinda weird.
I decided to go on a kick of "everyone else needs to make plans because I'm sick of always being the one to do everything." Wow did that backfire in my face. I didn't invite Kendra at all who probably would've went had I offered to pay. Frances didn't get out of work on time. No big deal, I'm comfortable with Ricky's friends now, right? Me being alone with them should be A+ and totally cool. Welp.
I get there and only one of them I know is in line, and she's pretty far back. One of the first things she says to me is that they're all on the guestlist. I'm suprised and try to play it off but am honest that Ricky didn't say anything at all to me, even though we'd talked that morning.
Soon enough, more of the group comes, which is still a couple of people short, but the rest I know. They got there late since one of them had to work, so, once they get there, they're obviously sober and need a little time to decompress from being in the car. Also, one of them asks me where my friends are. So now there are so many things creating a weird tone over being in line.
Everyone is sober, a little iffy, Ricky isn't meeting us outside at all so I'm without a single usual friend and am just taking my lone chances in the group, and I'm the only one not listed. Weird!
Right before getting in Amber texts me and I start to let loose on her with how weird I feel about everything. I'm taking it pretty hard because I kind of activetly made the choice to submerse myself in the group and it just isn't going at all how I expected. I was excited for fun and now am not so sure what's going to happen.
Once we get inside, I take a seat and actively avoid paying any attention to Ricky onstage. Shortly after, me and one of his friends who I only met the previous month start trying to find the best bar to get a drink. We walk to every single one and end up just giving up for a while because they're all too damn busy. I kind of feel like I had the most conversation and hangs with her, which is surprising since, like I said, she has been least familiar to me. But that was cool. Like, we didn't hug when she got there but I did hug her goodbye.
They are all kind of freaking out that it takes him longer than usual to join us, but I know he's busy. If he's not texting and not around it isn't because he's avoiding, it's honestly because he's focused on something. When he comes, he hands me a PBR. (last time we hung out we talked about how I think they suck but I'd still drink one of he was sneaking them out) But I'm standing kind of in the middle of everyone and against the wall, so he comes straight up the middle, parting everyone. This is definitely drunken focus, but I can see all of them watch this moment of him handing only me this beer, and they giggle at how I tuck it under my arm since I've already got a drink in hand. I wasn't upset about the guestlist before, but now I am.
So, I text him something crazy. He replies confused. I reply that it's okay I'm not on the guestlist since I've been on before but not mentioning it was shady. Which is true, I wasn't mad about not being listed, but not even letting me know that everyone else was just fucking sucked and I felt like I looked stupid. Ohhhh he did not like being called shady.
The thing is. A lot of my night, like last time, is pretty damn fuzzy. Like, I am missing entire parts of my night. My pre-entry drink + double dirty shirley + pbr and I am gone. So I have no idea how long before he comes back over but he does come and apologize, er, explain? You know when you're very drunk and things become sensory? I remember him being in front of me again, talk on my left side. I rememer kinda holding him by the waist maybe?? He definitely said "...you've been there." And I VERY drunkenly said, "IZZ FYYNE." I literally do no remember a single other part of that moment. Jesus christ.
Thankfully, he went to Bayside the next night and we talked a little more about it. Earlier in the day I text him telling him I was pretty sure he said things but I rememered none of them. He said we could talk about it again, but that we hugged a lot. I do not even know but I am a little embarassed. Not of my feelings, just how I approached them. Also, the drunkenness.
Adding to the nights weirdness we've got good old Cameron. He was far more present this time which I hated. I saw him with girls a few times, but he hung out with me for a bit. He also talked A LOT and I remember almost none of it. Both us in our intoxication. He talked to me about his friend wanting to hit on my friend. Uh, no. That girl in particular left kind of early in the night to go hang out with some guy anyways, which also added to the weirdness of the night.
When I left I saw Cam outside, across the way but we waved at each other.
I realize how grossed out I am by him going out. And honestly, most people, I guess? He and his friends strictly go out to find girls. Not necessarily to fuck with - or at least he didn't used to - but to find something with. I do get it. This is how normal people who have relationships do things and based on my hatred of dating apps, this is kind of what I want. I want to organically meet someone in real life, in person, in the world. But I guess that straight-forward prowl is just too much for me. It's OK and NORMAL and I'm still like EWW NO WHY. Ugh.
Me not being wanted by anyone in this goddamn world is another entry I'm trying to write, though.
Mostly, I need to turn the fuck down on my drinking. I had decided to take the day after Emo Nite off because last time I was hurtin' at work in hangover land and this time I also had Bayside the next night so I wanted to be able to rest. Well. Knowing I was going to rest and being upset I drank WAY too much. Add one more double dirty shirley to my previous total. So, essentially, that's like 6 drinks + 1 beer, cuz my pre-game drink is vvvvvvv strong. Between essentially blacking out through the night (????I don't like to say blacking out but it's accurate if you don't remember things right???) and going to sleep in my car for about 90mins after leaving the venue, I was a mess. And holy fuck was I a hungover mess the next day. I took the most difficult shower of my life trying to get ready for Bayside. I had to take a lot of lay down breaks in between hair and makeup. I didn't feel super okay till about 5pm. Even then, the lights at the venue did not feel great.
Guys, who am I? I know this is what people say everytime they're hungover, but I can't do that anymore. I've got to stop drinking once I'm drunk. I don't like not remembering. And if I were a different looking girl who boys were actually noticing I think my nights could be ending much worse. Getting a little scary when I don't have anyone by my side. Oof. I wanna quiet down the crazy not turn up the grabby/yelly/unsafe.
Soooo yeah. I guess that's that. I have to say, I have not given Amber nearly enough credit for spot on knowing exactly who Cameron and Ricky are just from the information I've given her. She has been saying Cam is an asshole pretty much since I first told her about him. And after everything recently, I now know she has been right. I've constantly forgiven him because of the person I got to see and share time with, and while he obviously does have that side of him, it's become more evident that he is a mostly a shithead. It's not like he hasn't told me this himself, but I guess until experiencing it first hand I was happy to know him as I did. Still, I am happy I got to see that side of him because I know it was genuine, but until he realizes how important that side of him is, he is going to keep being an asshole to the world.
Ricky, I keep trying to vilify. I have allowed myself to feel like garbage because of him so many times this year and what I've been doing is giving him too much credit. Now, I do think I should be able to expect more from him, but also, when he fucks up, it is not malicious or intentional, he really is just kind of fucking dumb.
When we talked at Bayside he realized that he messed up and made wrong assumptions. I watched his face and heard his voice - they were similar to when he admitted to not caring about my dumb texts when I HAD to call him out - which is that he only realized how he was being once I told him. So, he wasn't trying to exlude me and he wasn't trying to be a jerk by forgetting about me. Although I do want to be hurt and annoyed that he did, in fact, forget about me because hi, THAT SUCKS, you're my friend I want to be in your mind, I also get that his brain is all over the place. As Amber has said, he needs things spelled out for him. And it's true. This has been the basis for our new relationship all year - him not quite understanding what his actions are projecting. He is dumb. <3
I do live in a bit of fear constantly calling him out, though, and that's a conversation I'd like to have. I feel like I'm always being very dramatic. After my last Ricky meltdown, she told me how my feelings are valid and I should allow them to me and that's so true. Me calling myself dramatic is me acting like my feelings are valid and trying to play them off and I need to stop that. But, I also know how I can talk things in circles and into the ground until it's just not interesting or educational anymore so I'm also trying to avoid that. Meh. Now that he's not with that girl he's been trying to hang out with me more, but between being sick and having my mom visit I haven't been free. But at least he tries to initiate hanging out!
So many things y'all and at the same time nothing at all.
Oh oh oh. New All Time Low DVD. I don't have too many overwhelming feelings about it but I do love that band and think they deserve the fucking world. And they are definitely trying to get it. Do you, boys. All the hearts.
Oh yeah, and Bayside was fucking great! Singing songs about fucking hating yourself makes me smile so wide. Genuinely, just huge grins when I'd sing certain lyrics that felt so good and perfect. Gah! Too bad I barely remember Anthony (and Summer Set singer and Teen Wolf) DJing since I don't remember.