Just know I'll always have your back
We are in such an ugly fucking slump right now. The last month has been one big, hot mess and then this passed week absolutely took the crown on stupid, shitty things.
Work is goddamn miserable. I used to be miserable on my own accord of having a crazy brain and feeling useless because I was so bored. Welp, in the last 6 weeks we had 3 assistants quit. One gave a standard 2 week notice, one gave a month and one put in on Monday and was gone by Friday. I've gone from fully working about 7 days a month to working through my lunch hour every single day. I'm fucking drowning and one more assistant just quit.
It's not even just the sheer amount of work I have now, but there are a lot of things I don't fully understand and don't have a lot of help to ask/get trained. That is frustrating. I've been wanting to leave for almost a whole year now and haven't tried at all. With things being insane, and, unfortunately, for reasons unknown, my boss being extremely lazy about trying to hire, I really need to get out.
For the most part, I have given up on my label internship dream. I'm just very unsure about it all and of course, scared. I still know I should try. There is nothing at all to lose by trying. But, I'm just such a peice of shit.
Semi-surprisingly, the other extremely shitty thing has been boys. The same ass boys that don't even matter, at that. But first, Emo Nite. Man oh man, the last one.
Ricky had a friend there from out of town with some other friends so he was honest in not being able to guestlist me. No probs. I was excited to go hang with his friends in line. Now that I'm comfortable with them, I genuinely miss that. I wasn't doing it when I was listed cuz I didn't want anyone thinking it was weird that I was listed, although Ricky has his obvious reaons for it being me usually, we both agreed maybe they don't need to know.
I made some strong Honey Jack/Sprites and Kendra helped me walk them over. Ricky was out with them when we rolled up, but that wouldn't have mattered to me anyways. I greeted everyone with hugs, did my best to give away drinks and started on my own. Well, I took too many (also they were drinking their own already) so I ended up drinking 2. I was pretty smashed by the time we even got inside, but so was everyone else and I realized how much I love that. Kendra was sober and being weird, Frances rolled up right as we were walking in so she was also sober, but the rest of like 8 of us were going.
A lot of my night is real, real fuzzy. I also kind of love that and am amused. Snapchat gave me important things. I do remember Cameron coming right up to me, but as he did Good Charlotte was coming up so I ended up screaming in his face and climbing on the wall where we stand to see them. Instead of DJing, Benji and Joel did 3.5 acoustic songs and it was pretty magical. They are truly so great. Right after, I checked Snapchat and of fucking course Jack was there.
I remember dragging Kendra and Frances upstrairs just to look around and then dragging them into a photobooth for hilarious pics. I remember Ricky's friend Daniel suddenly being there and kinda frantically telling me Jack was downstairs DJing. We run down, and as we're getting over there we see there are tons of people on stage, he tells me, "You can't seem him but I swear he's up there!" I laugh and tell him I believe him.
We get over to our spot, everyone else gone. At some point, I remember kissing him on the cheek to thank him for coming to tell me, because even later when sober, I am fairly sure he came to find me JUST to tell me about Jack, which is embarrassing for me but so sweet of him! He asked me why I don't go on stage and get a photo. "Oh no! I don't go up there! And I don't want a photo...I just want to fuck him." Guys, when will I stop telling the entire world that??
Jack, from what I remember, didn't mouth off bunch of annoying shit for once which was nice.
When the three of us decided to leave I wanted to say bye to everyone. We head upstairs but I only see Cameron and his friend. I go to him and I remember telling him he always acts weird and he hugs bad. I grabbed his friend to show him how to hug normal? Then Ricky was there so I told him I had to say goodbye to my "real friend." The shade.
We go downstairs where everyone is back in the spot, I say bye, and head out. I was confident in driving home and Kendra was completely sober and didn't say anything to me, but idk, so much of my night seems fuzzy.
Ricky has been pretty distant and honestly, I was getting used to that. Things were kind of going back to normal, or at least to the casual, passing way I think they should be. Then this passed weekend was a shitshow.
He spent a couple hours Friday night into Saturday morning texting me about the girl he's been seeing since his birthday and how he's not into her. Okay. The next night I'm out with Ashley and he's updating me about calling her to break it off. Okay. I try to make plans to hang with him once I get home but it's around 11pm, he bitches out and we make plans for the next day.
We hang at my place, just chatting a litte and flipping between movies. We head out to a comedy show in Silver Lake which was overall pretty damn great, and especially for $10. Of course, I buy us a couple drinks, but it's my choice, no probs. I am fine, but when driving home I can just tell he's a little looser and that's nice. It really takes a while to get him there.
We get back to my place and despite me previously telling him I couldn't hang out afterwards because I needed to be in bed at a decent time, I invite him in anyways. The next 3 hours of conversation (without even turning the tv on am I a weirdo?) pretty much blow my mind and destroy all of the nice and innocent things I thought about him and his friends.
He starts telling me all the details of one of his friends he recently has hooked up with (they've known each other since high school, she currently lives in Portland, it was weird for a minute but seems to be okay). This girl is good friends with the 2 girls I've come to know. One of them really likes Ricky, they've kissed, but that's not going to be a thing. The other has put interest out there and tried to sleep with him, but Daniel likes that girl. So that's a weirdness for a total of three friends if they hookup.
Now, this is all crazy to me, as I've never had a normal social life/group of friends, but not even what gets me the most. He proceeds to tell me a story about a few years ago when he got with a girl and messed up a friend group. "I was shunned for like a year."
A group of them went to Vegas, TOOK XSTACY (this is a kid who earlier in the night was talking to me about not knowing anything about alcohol and knows he's such a lightweight) he and this girl were getting scandlous in a club, everyone left them alone and they ended up hooking up. Oh yeah, she had a boyfriend.
I flat out tell him how this is blowing my mind. How we've spent a lot of time together now and we talk a lot and I would've never imagined he wasn't fairly innocent. Yes, I thought he was innocent! Huh!?
Something in all of this makes me decide to derail the conversation to me. Like I did that one time in text. It honestly goes just about as well. A few times through the night I told him he doesn't listen to me when I talk and he just kept proving that.
At this point, I again tell him about how he barged into my everyday life and I really thought that meant something. I end up telling him how I know he texts me when he's crazy/bored/needing attention and I do my best to reply to him like a good friend but he doesn't do the same and it sucks. He has a moment of telling me to screenshot when this has happened.
I say something about him not caring and not trying when I text him about my bullshit.
He has this look on his face, a semi-grin. At first he just kind of awkwardly smirks and makes a noise. He doesn't want to lie to me. Says, "Yeah...?" and I tell him it's better if he just admits it.
He admits it. Without any additional words, admits he texts me for attention and doesn't care about me texting him. Admits everything I have been saying for months. Admits to all the shit I've been letting him get away with because he is a cute boy.
After, "Yeah, I admit it," he immidiately rolls into the next converstion, the next story about a new girl hitting him up. It all happens so fast I can't even do anything more than roll with it. What the fuck.
Look, I know he's not confrontational and that's not what I was expecting. But there was no apology, no ackowledgement of being shitty or questioning of my feelings. He just moved on. It wasn't until he left and I was alone that how fucking shitty that whole moment was hit me.
The next morning, it hit me even harder and I had a nice little breakdown the whole drive to work, while texting Ashley.
Since then he has text me a few times but they've all been things in my interest, not random conversation. My responses are minimal and I sure as hell am not texting him just because.
That Friday, Cameron starts texting me in the morning. Says he going to The Riff that night. As usual, we have a full on conversation for much of the day. Towards the end of the day he sends me a snap that I decide to have Amber watch with me. It's him standing in just a t-shirt (the 2Pac shirt I saw him in the first time I saw him at Emo Nite) with a caption "when you wake up in this shirt." He's standing in a hilarious, flirty girl way. So, it's a joke! But! It's also, wtf!
Now, almost a week prior to this, I snapped him something once and then he continued a conversation (with selfies! I never send selfies) for the whole weekend. He ended up sending me a shirtless pic (which I pathetically died over because goddamn his body luk gud) to point out his sunburn. Huuuh.
So, now we're 2 suspicious pictures in and I'm losing it. To my credit, I did flirt a little after both pics (mention I wanted to screenshot the shirtless one and joking that the shirtless one was better than the pantless one). By the end of the night, while I driving for 2 hours, he snapped me 2 pics (just randomly of a dog) and chatted. Honestly, putting in so much damn effort.
I finally reply to his last text, acknowleding he's out, but ending it with how we should hang out. Now, he doesn't text back till 3pm the next day. 3pm?? Really tho? So again, I'm nervous because this is just like last time. I suggest we hang out and all of a sudden he isn't responding.
When he finally does, we talk about potential weekday hangs as he's busy on the Sunday I suggest. (lol the Sunday I hung with Ricky) We chat a bit but it dies off into the night.
Around 11pm, when I'm almost home from Ashley's, I get a drunk text. Drunk texts about how there are so many Asian girls at the bar, he has fallen in love with one that looks like a more asain nance, and "lill me." This sends me reeling. I'm upset, annoyed and amused. I reply, "Ohhh we've progressed to drunk texts now? That's cooooool...... Wish they weren't about your ex tho 😏"
btw, I tell Ricky a dude I used to like is drunk texting me about his ex and BIG FUCKING SHOCK he's no help in any kind of way at all.
Cam never replies to me so I know he knows he fucked up. Monday, especially after the Ricky disaster, I decide to just lay everything out for him.
"Heeey so. When I said I wa gonna text you last week it was actually about how I always appreciated you being honest with me and not being afraid to call me on my shit. I never have enough of that in my life and really wish ppl would just grow a pair and not be afriad to tell me when I'm being a jerk. Semi related... I don't want you to think I was just being bitchy about your drunk text. I was but I've got my reasons. I knowww you're not over Nance and that shit fucking sucks. Genuinely sorry. It's awful. I'm sure you probably still have a lot of shit to talk about/talk through/literally cry and be sad about. And I know I asked some questions and kinda opened up the opportunity for you to talk about that, my fault. I wish I could be that friend for you with all that but tbh I just can't. I was really into you and even tho that was a while ago there's still something that feels super shitty about getting a whiny drunk text. Shouldn't be a big deal but doesn't feel great. Still think it would be rad to actually be normal friends n shit but you seemed kinda apprehensive about that after I left Buffalo and I'm not trying to force some weirdo hangout. Maybe that only worked best in small doses in a supervised space. Or in long texts 😝 Sorry if this is incredibly dramatic 😂 buuut felt like I needed to.
50minutes later
"I'm glad to hear my straight forwardness is appreciated because a lot of people cant handle it. I try to hold back my whiny texts as much as possible but i cant so i am sorry for that. Its fine dont worry about it being dramatic ive had more dramatic [texts?] before and always been able to make things normal after. I didnt talk to you because when I was with nancy we were always together and she didnt even like me talking to me best friend so when we were together i just was cut off from every body its nothing personal"
In the span of about 13 hours both these motherfuckers managed to completely, 100% disregaurd my feelings. I truly did not know something could feel so incredibly bad but holy shit. People, dudes, just not showing even a hint of giving a fuck about you is disgusting and terrible. I've spent a lifetime making myself feel like garbage all the time, I do not need anyone's help.
I didn't text him back because well, I said everything I needed to. I've got nothing else. I will no longer make time for these people who can't even care about me as a friend. Be a good fucking friend! He sent a bizarre montage of funny snap videos yesterday. While I'm sure he sent them to other people he could've easily not included me at all. I wonder if he read into my not responding. I always respond, and now, I'm not.
The finale peice to my puzzle of total bullshit this week is hitting a car. It's minor damage but nonetheless needs to be reported to my insurance so I can get my little dent and paint fixed. Nothing to blame, just me not driving as well as I do the other 99.9%. So there goes at least $1,000 to my deductible and whatever else to future increased payments.
This week, this month, this fucking year is garbage.
Work is goddamn miserable. I used to be miserable on my own accord of having a crazy brain and feeling useless because I was so bored. Welp, in the last 6 weeks we had 3 assistants quit. One gave a standard 2 week notice, one gave a month and one put in on Monday and was gone by Friday. I've gone from fully working about 7 days a month to working through my lunch hour every single day. I'm fucking drowning and one more assistant just quit.
It's not even just the sheer amount of work I have now, but there are a lot of things I don't fully understand and don't have a lot of help to ask/get trained. That is frustrating. I've been wanting to leave for almost a whole year now and haven't tried at all. With things being insane, and, unfortunately, for reasons unknown, my boss being extremely lazy about trying to hire, I really need to get out.
For the most part, I have given up on my label internship dream. I'm just very unsure about it all and of course, scared. I still know I should try. There is nothing at all to lose by trying. But, I'm just such a peice of shit.
Semi-surprisingly, the other extremely shitty thing has been boys. The same ass boys that don't even matter, at that. But first, Emo Nite. Man oh man, the last one.
Ricky had a friend there from out of town with some other friends so he was honest in not being able to guestlist me. No probs. I was excited to go hang with his friends in line. Now that I'm comfortable with them, I genuinely miss that. I wasn't doing it when I was listed cuz I didn't want anyone thinking it was weird that I was listed, although Ricky has his obvious reaons for it being me usually, we both agreed maybe they don't need to know.
I made some strong Honey Jack/Sprites and Kendra helped me walk them over. Ricky was out with them when we rolled up, but that wouldn't have mattered to me anyways. I greeted everyone with hugs, did my best to give away drinks and started on my own. Well, I took too many (also they were drinking their own already) so I ended up drinking 2. I was pretty smashed by the time we even got inside, but so was everyone else and I realized how much I love that. Kendra was sober and being weird, Frances rolled up right as we were walking in so she was also sober, but the rest of like 8 of us were going.
A lot of my night is real, real fuzzy. I also kind of love that and am amused. Snapchat gave me important things. I do remember Cameron coming right up to me, but as he did Good Charlotte was coming up so I ended up screaming in his face and climbing on the wall where we stand to see them. Instead of DJing, Benji and Joel did 3.5 acoustic songs and it was pretty magical. They are truly so great. Right after, I checked Snapchat and of fucking course Jack was there.
I remember dragging Kendra and Frances upstrairs just to look around and then dragging them into a photobooth for hilarious pics. I remember Ricky's friend Daniel suddenly being there and kinda frantically telling me Jack was downstairs DJing. We run down, and as we're getting over there we see there are tons of people on stage, he tells me, "You can't seem him but I swear he's up there!" I laugh and tell him I believe him.
We get over to our spot, everyone else gone. At some point, I remember kissing him on the cheek to thank him for coming to tell me, because even later when sober, I am fairly sure he came to find me JUST to tell me about Jack, which is embarrassing for me but so sweet of him! He asked me why I don't go on stage and get a photo. "Oh no! I don't go up there! And I don't want a photo...I just want to fuck him." Guys, when will I stop telling the entire world that??
Jack, from what I remember, didn't mouth off bunch of annoying shit for once which was nice.
When the three of us decided to leave I wanted to say bye to everyone. We head upstairs but I only see Cameron and his friend. I go to him and I remember telling him he always acts weird and he hugs bad. I grabbed his friend to show him how to hug normal? Then Ricky was there so I told him I had to say goodbye to my "real friend." The shade.
We go downstairs where everyone is back in the spot, I say bye, and head out. I was confident in driving home and Kendra was completely sober and didn't say anything to me, but idk, so much of my night seems fuzzy.
Ricky has been pretty distant and honestly, I was getting used to that. Things were kind of going back to normal, or at least to the casual, passing way I think they should be. Then this passed weekend was a shitshow.
He spent a couple hours Friday night into Saturday morning texting me about the girl he's been seeing since his birthday and how he's not into her. Okay. The next night I'm out with Ashley and he's updating me about calling her to break it off. Okay. I try to make plans to hang with him once I get home but it's around 11pm, he bitches out and we make plans for the next day.
We hang at my place, just chatting a litte and flipping between movies. We head out to a comedy show in Silver Lake which was overall pretty damn great, and especially for $10. Of course, I buy us a couple drinks, but it's my choice, no probs. I am fine, but when driving home I can just tell he's a little looser and that's nice. It really takes a while to get him there.
We get back to my place and despite me previously telling him I couldn't hang out afterwards because I needed to be in bed at a decent time, I invite him in anyways. The next 3 hours of conversation (without even turning the tv on am I a weirdo?) pretty much blow my mind and destroy all of the nice and innocent things I thought about him and his friends.
He starts telling me all the details of one of his friends he recently has hooked up with (they've known each other since high school, she currently lives in Portland, it was weird for a minute but seems to be okay). This girl is good friends with the 2 girls I've come to know. One of them really likes Ricky, they've kissed, but that's not going to be a thing. The other has put interest out there and tried to sleep with him, but Daniel likes that girl. So that's a weirdness for a total of three friends if they hookup.
Now, this is all crazy to me, as I've never had a normal social life/group of friends, but not even what gets me the most. He proceeds to tell me a story about a few years ago when he got with a girl and messed up a friend group. "I was shunned for like a year."
A group of them went to Vegas, TOOK XSTACY (this is a kid who earlier in the night was talking to me about not knowing anything about alcohol and knows he's such a lightweight) he and this girl were getting scandlous in a club, everyone left them alone and they ended up hooking up. Oh yeah, she had a boyfriend.
I flat out tell him how this is blowing my mind. How we've spent a lot of time together now and we talk a lot and I would've never imagined he wasn't fairly innocent. Yes, I thought he was innocent! Huh!?
Something in all of this makes me decide to derail the conversation to me. Like I did that one time in text. It honestly goes just about as well. A few times through the night I told him he doesn't listen to me when I talk and he just kept proving that.
At this point, I again tell him about how he barged into my everyday life and I really thought that meant something. I end up telling him how I know he texts me when he's crazy/bored/needing attention and I do my best to reply to him like a good friend but he doesn't do the same and it sucks. He has a moment of telling me to screenshot when this has happened.
I say something about him not caring and not trying when I text him about my bullshit.
He has this look on his face, a semi-grin. At first he just kind of awkwardly smirks and makes a noise. He doesn't want to lie to me. Says, "Yeah...?" and I tell him it's better if he just admits it.
He admits it. Without any additional words, admits he texts me for attention and doesn't care about me texting him. Admits everything I have been saying for months. Admits to all the shit I've been letting him get away with because he is a cute boy.
After, "Yeah, I admit it," he immidiately rolls into the next converstion, the next story about a new girl hitting him up. It all happens so fast I can't even do anything more than roll with it. What the fuck.
Look, I know he's not confrontational and that's not what I was expecting. But there was no apology, no ackowledgement of being shitty or questioning of my feelings. He just moved on. It wasn't until he left and I was alone that how fucking shitty that whole moment was hit me.
The next morning, it hit me even harder and I had a nice little breakdown the whole drive to work, while texting Ashley.
Since then he has text me a few times but they've all been things in my interest, not random conversation. My responses are minimal and I sure as hell am not texting him just because.
That Friday, Cameron starts texting me in the morning. Says he going to The Riff that night. As usual, we have a full on conversation for much of the day. Towards the end of the day he sends me a snap that I decide to have Amber watch with me. It's him standing in just a t-shirt (the 2Pac shirt I saw him in the first time I saw him at Emo Nite) with a caption "when you wake up in this shirt." He's standing in a hilarious, flirty girl way. So, it's a joke! But! It's also, wtf!
Now, almost a week prior to this, I snapped him something once and then he continued a conversation (with selfies! I never send selfies) for the whole weekend. He ended up sending me a shirtless pic (which I pathetically died over because goddamn his body luk gud) to point out his sunburn. Huuuh.
So, now we're 2 suspicious pictures in and I'm losing it. To my credit, I did flirt a little after both pics (mention I wanted to screenshot the shirtless one and joking that the shirtless one was better than the pantless one). By the end of the night, while I driving for 2 hours, he snapped me 2 pics (just randomly of a dog) and chatted. Honestly, putting in so much damn effort.
I finally reply to his last text, acknowleding he's out, but ending it with how we should hang out. Now, he doesn't text back till 3pm the next day. 3pm?? Really tho? So again, I'm nervous because this is just like last time. I suggest we hang out and all of a sudden he isn't responding.
When he finally does, we talk about potential weekday hangs as he's busy on the Sunday I suggest. (lol the Sunday I hung with Ricky) We chat a bit but it dies off into the night.
Around 11pm, when I'm almost home from Ashley's, I get a drunk text. Drunk texts about how there are so many Asian girls at the bar, he has fallen in love with one that looks like a more asain nance, and "lill me." This sends me reeling. I'm upset, annoyed and amused. I reply, "Ohhh we've progressed to drunk texts now? That's cooooool...... Wish they weren't about your ex tho 😏"
btw, I tell Ricky a dude I used to like is drunk texting me about his ex and BIG FUCKING SHOCK he's no help in any kind of way at all.
Cam never replies to me so I know he knows he fucked up. Monday, especially after the Ricky disaster, I decide to just lay everything out for him.
"Heeey so. When I said I wa gonna text you last week it was actually about how I always appreciated you being honest with me and not being afraid to call me on my shit. I never have enough of that in my life and really wish ppl would just grow a pair and not be afriad to tell me when I'm being a jerk. Semi related... I don't want you to think I was just being bitchy about your drunk text. I was but I've got my reasons. I knowww you're not over Nance and that shit fucking sucks. Genuinely sorry. It's awful. I'm sure you probably still have a lot of shit to talk about/talk through/literally cry and be sad about. And I know I asked some questions and kinda opened up the opportunity for you to talk about that, my fault. I wish I could be that friend for you with all that but tbh I just can't. I was really into you and even tho that was a while ago there's still something that feels super shitty about getting a whiny drunk text. Shouldn't be a big deal but doesn't feel great. Still think it would be rad to actually be normal friends n shit but you seemed kinda apprehensive about that after I left Buffalo and I'm not trying to force some weirdo hangout. Maybe that only worked best in small doses in a supervised space. Or in long texts 😝 Sorry if this is incredibly dramatic 😂 buuut felt like I needed to.
50minutes later
"I'm glad to hear my straight forwardness is appreciated because a lot of people cant handle it. I try to hold back my whiny texts as much as possible but i cant so i am sorry for that. Its fine dont worry about it being dramatic ive had more dramatic [texts?] before and always been able to make things normal after. I didnt talk to you because when I was with nancy we were always together and she didnt even like me talking to me best friend so when we were together i just was cut off from every body its nothing personal"
In the span of about 13 hours both these motherfuckers managed to completely, 100% disregaurd my feelings. I truly did not know something could feel so incredibly bad but holy shit. People, dudes, just not showing even a hint of giving a fuck about you is disgusting and terrible. I've spent a lifetime making myself feel like garbage all the time, I do not need anyone's help.
I didn't text him back because well, I said everything I needed to. I've got nothing else. I will no longer make time for these people who can't even care about me as a friend. Be a good fucking friend! He sent a bizarre montage of funny snap videos yesterday. While I'm sure he sent them to other people he could've easily not included me at all. I wonder if he read into my not responding. I always respond, and now, I'm not.
The finale peice to my puzzle of total bullshit this week is hitting a car. It's minor damage but nonetheless needs to be reported to my insurance so I can get my little dent and paint fixed. Nothing to blame, just me not driving as well as I do the other 99.9%. So there goes at least $1,000 to my deductible and whatever else to future increased payments.
This week, this month, this fucking year is garbage.