Realization...
I was just talking to Tara and we were both actually being understanding....she is right....she has gone throught a similar experience with an ex...so she does know what I had to go through and I am going through....
She said "you have to relise that even though threw all of that and no matter how much you loved him and i know you really did.. cuz i loved adam you have to relise there is more to life then one guy"
I said "yes Tara but you are and were way stronger than I am"
She said "i wasnt.. i really wasnt.. it was by the 3rd break up.. and him cheating on me that i relised i was better then that...now i know its hard cuz you didnt have that.. and it got easyer each time.. but you need to move on.. you have your whole life befor you .. and for you to be stuck in a coner b/c of a guy isnt fare to you or ne one"
She said "life is about experances and we learn from every one.. and with out those experances we dont live so your realationship with him was something you need to learn from"
She also said "all i can say is life is not as bad as you think it is... take what has happened and run with it.. as in you have learned so much from everything now use that in life...and let ryan go... and please stop talking about him in your LJ.. cuz trust me it only makes it worse.. in many many ways..."
So with that, I think I just realized I was hurting myself all along. I did move on, but not completely. I still held those bad and good memories and because of that I can't fully let go and end up hurting myself. Damn...thank you tara...i really needed that...and next girl that dates him...well she's at her own risk...she knows he's a cheater and as they say one a cheater always a cheater even if he looks all innocent and swears not to...there's nothing I can do and if he cheats on her like he did on all his 3 other ex's...if he does then her fault.
Thanks to Tara and Kian....i'm letting go and the conversation with Tara helped A LOT... a whole lot...she is right and she is the ONLY person that understand because none of you that read this know what I had to go through...only Tara does...so with that...my favorite poem and my life...
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held him in my arms.
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.
He loved me, sometimes I loved him too.
How could one not have loved his great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
The night is starry and he is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.
My sight tries to find him as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love him, that's certain, but how I loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch hiser hearing.
Another's. He will be another's. As he was before my kisses.
His voice, his bright body. His infinite eyes.
I no longer love him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.
Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for him "
And with that...a bad chaper in my life closes and now I will be happy with a new guy in my life, my dear friends, my family and have my fun because I am young and have so much ahead...as Tara says...So once again Tara thank you..thank you so much for making me see that I was hurting myseff with being angry and upset after a relationship that had no meaning to him...thank you for making me realize I can move on and be happy...thank you..and thank you Kian for being there and dealing with me for those 4 months...for all the advice..the late night talks...for making me realize I would be ok without him....thank you...you are the one that I should thank the most for being there adn for being the one to close this aweful chapter...so no more pain, hurt and suffering for me.
She said "you have to relise that even though threw all of that and no matter how much you loved him and i know you really did.. cuz i loved adam you have to relise there is more to life then one guy"
I said "yes Tara but you are and were way stronger than I am"
She said "i wasnt.. i really wasnt.. it was by the 3rd break up.. and him cheating on me that i relised i was better then that...now i know its hard cuz you didnt have that.. and it got easyer each time.. but you need to move on.. you have your whole life befor you .. and for you to be stuck in a coner b/c of a guy isnt fare to you or ne one"
She said "life is about experances and we learn from every one.. and with out those experances we dont live so your realationship with him was something you need to learn from"
She also said "all i can say is life is not as bad as you think it is... take what has happened and run with it.. as in you have learned so much from everything now use that in life...and let ryan go... and please stop talking about him in your LJ.. cuz trust me it only makes it worse.. in many many ways..."
So with that, I think I just realized I was hurting myself all along. I did move on, but not completely. I still held those bad and good memories and because of that I can't fully let go and end up hurting myself. Damn...thank you tara...i really needed that...and next girl that dates him...well she's at her own risk...she knows he's a cheater and as they say one a cheater always a cheater even if he looks all innocent and swears not to...there's nothing I can do and if he cheats on her like he did on all his 3 other ex's...if he does then her fault.
Thanks to Tara and Kian....i'm letting go and the conversation with Tara helped A LOT... a whole lot...she is right and she is the ONLY person that understand because none of you that read this know what I had to go through...only Tara does...so with that...my favorite poem and my life...
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held him in my arms.
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.
He loved me, sometimes I loved him too.
How could one not have loved his great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep him.
The night is starry and he is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.
My sight tries to find him as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love him, that's certain, but how I loved him.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch hiser hearing.
Another's. He will be another's. As he was before my kisses.
His voice, his bright body. His infinite eyes.
I no longer love him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.
Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for him "
And with that...a bad chaper in my life closes and now I will be happy with a new guy in my life, my dear friends, my family and have my fun because I am young and have so much ahead...as Tara says...So once again Tara thank you..thank you so much for making me see that I was hurting myseff with being angry and upset after a relationship that had no meaning to him...thank you for making me realize I can move on and be happy...thank you..and thank you Kian for being there and dealing with me for those 4 months...for all the advice..the late night talks...for making me realize I would be ok without him....thank you...you are the one that I should thank the most for being there adn for being the one to close this aweful chapter...so no more pain, hurt and suffering for me.