When I Thought You Didn't Love Me
Pairing: 2Min
Genre: drama, slight!fluff
Length: one-shot
Rating: PG
Summary: Taemin started feeling it at such a young age and accepted it rather quickly; more than most boys would. He confessed to the hyung he's closest to, but... those feelings weren't returned. What will happen after a few months? (Lame-ass summary is lame-ass. Mianhae. T^T)
A/N: Just so ya'll know, I wrote this in like September or earlier last year, so it's just a WEE bit outdated, but WHO CARES cuz it's still a fic about 2Min. ^^ (So the time zone in this fic is still 2010.)
~*~I love you.
Three words that hold a lot of meaning… could also break the heart of the person who said them. It’s risky to confess these words to someone. As much as people like to hear that they’re loved, it’s important to know whether or not it’s the right kind of person to confess to.
Maybe they won’t return those feelings or will just plainly throw them back and run away.
Maybe they’ll say the same words back, but mean them in a ‘family member’ way.
Or maybe they’ll return the feelings unconditionally.
Love is a funny thing, though. Some people compare it to a roller coaster ride.
“It has its ups and downs, but almost never falters.”
Others say it’s like a walk in the park. For some couples, it is. Loving each other comes so naturally to them that they don’t even have to struggle to stay with the other.
With me, it’s exactly like that: a walk in the park. But getting to that ‘park’ was no picnic. I was one of those people whose feelings were returned for that of a family member.
I still remember how painful it’d been. Let me back up a year. It all started when I realized the feelings I had- I mean, have- for him. That’s right. Him. And not just any ‘him’, but a fellow SHINee band member and close friend, Choi Minho. Anyone who sees him would think he’s not just some normal guy who could be spotted at Starbucks drinking a mocha latte.
The truth is he’s exactly like that. Not only does Choi Minho look like a celebrity in daily life, but he acts like one too. He’s humble about it, though. He can’t stand stuck-up people- especially celebrities who act like that- and tries hard not to be the same way.
Anyway, we had just performed another concert in Taiwan. While the MC was talking to Key-hyung, Minho- who was standing on my left- started playing with my hair. It sent shivers down my spine and I almost shivered visibly. I stood on my tip-toes to ask him what he was doing and he replied that he was just fixing it. He leaned down to make it easier for me to whisper a ‘thanks’ in his ear, and then I asked if it looked better; to which he answered yes.
I realized later that day that his touches were the only things giving me chills. At first, I thought it was nothing and tried ignoring it. But as the days went on and became weeks then months, those chills had become waves of tingling sensations that heated my body like a blazing fire.
That’s when I learned about my feelings for this particular hyung. Naturally, I was scared at first; obviously because we’re both guys. It couldn’t be possible, right? But I couldn’t help what I felt- feel for him. For about a month, I couldn’t look him in the eyes and every time he’d show his affection- the affection I used to think of in a brotherly way- I’d wince and pull away just a little. He never seemed too bothered by that, but he would show his slight disappointment by frowning at my unusual reaction.
Finally, I got over the shock of being in love with him and decided to act as I’ve always been. The next time he hugged me, it wasn’t as tight as his hugs used to be, but I didn’t flinch either. I smiled and hugged him back; surprising him a bit. We got over the temporary awkwardness of my sudden changes and got even closer. Sometimes, he would even pat me on my bottom. The first time he did that, it startled me and made me blush ten-folds.
After a few more times, I got used to it and rolled my eyes at him as if to say he’s being weird. He would always smile back at me as if to say he doesn’t care. This is how my love for him grew. Those loving brotherly gestures became something so much more to me so fast; hitting me like an arrow through my heart and sending me to fall hard in this new world of love. It sounds cheesy, I know, but it’s so very true.
I’d planned to confess to him- whether he felt the same way or not; continued to be my friend or not- somewhere in early 2010. Unfortunately, I never could find any time because we started filming the second season of ‘Hello Baby’ in January and things just kind of got… hectic. I finally did find some time after going with him and Key-hyung to take Yoogeun-ah to get his first shot at the clinic. We were standing outside the clinic- while Key-hyung had taken Yoogeun-ah back inside to use the restroom- and I couldn’t stop playing with my fingers.
“Minho-hyung, I have something to tell you…”
“What is it?”
“I really don’t know how to tell you this… but… I love you.”
“Oh… I’m guessing you mean as more than a friend. I’m sorry, Taemin-ah. I can’t return the same type of love. I only think of you as a little brother.”
“I know~ I just thought I’d tell you… because I didn’t want to hide this from you anymore.”
“Don’t cry, Taeminnie. It’s okay; I understand.”
“Please don’t treat me differently.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
I hadn’t even known I was crying then. All I knew was that Minho-hyung was hugging me tightly and promising something that he would only mostly keep. For a while, he would distance himself from me and pat me on the back or squeeze my shoulder when he had an urge to affectionately touch me. It’s not that I didn’t mind it, but it didn’t feel the same. It was all awkward and I wanted badly to tell him that it was feeling that way, but I didn’t want to bother him with something like this and remind him of my feelings toward him.
Actually, I was pretty frustrated with him during that time. Just because the one who he thinks of only as a brother loves him in a completely different way, doesn’t mean he has to be careful about how he behaves around me. I know he’s only showing his brotherly love- I made that very clear when I confessed to him- so there’s nothing to be cautious about. It’s not like I would’ve thought he suddenly fell in love with me. He’d tell me if that was the case.
Eventually, he overcame what he was clearly thinking about and started acting normally around me; showing all of that affection he’d been storing and replacing with awkward touches. It was all natural, too. His hugs, pats, and squeezes were all as natural as they used to be and so were my reactions. What’s funny about this is that the awkwardness had only lasted for about a week.
One thing he did during ‘Hello Baby’ when we filmed that second storybook- courtesy of Key-hyung- he and I were sitting in the room with our SHINee room divider and for his part of the adlib in that scene, he had jumped on me exclaiming “Let’s go for twins!” That made me blush more than the first time he patted me on my backside. It was the most I’ve ever been embarrassed; more embarrassing than tripping on stage in front of all our fans. But I couldn’t help giggling at how much fun it’d been.
I remember the day I got to go cheer on Minho-hyung at ‘Dream Team’. I sang a “Minho-hyung” version of ‘Juliette’ to him and earned a pat on the butt as I walked off to the side where I’d been watching from. When he won that challenge, I ran to him to congratulate him and jumped in his arms. I was surprised he let me do that when he knew my feelings. But to my confusion, he was laughing and smiling happily as if he didn’t know anything. He was just lost in the moment.
Two months later, my hair had grown out- orders from our stylists for our new album- and styled like a girl’s. I have to admit that it really did look good on me, but… why a girl’s haircut? Well, I guess it’s not as bad as Key-hyung’s hair. His had to be shaved on the side and dyed blonde on that patch. It was almost completely symmetrical to Sungmin-sunbae’s hair from Super Junior’s “Don’t Don” album.
Anyway, when Minho-hyung first saw me with my new hair, his mouth dropped wide open and I thought I caught a glimpse of something in his eyes, but maybe I’d just been seeing things. It looked like… need? Of course, I’ve never been good with reading people’s eyes like others can, so I could have been wrong.
I remember how we’d been practicing the dance for ‘Lucifer’ and I always caught him looking at me and stumbling all over the place. Secretly, I’d smirk to myself and pretend I didn’t notice his sudden clumsiness. Everyone else had seen his mess-ups as well and made fun of him for having caught Onew-hyung’s sangtae. He ignored them and kept watching me.
Of course, I’m not stupid. I knew the way my hair flew out was a little attractive and the dance moves I came up with seemed to be slightly seductive… especially my solo part- as pointed out by Key-hyung and Jonghyun-hyung. Did they really have to tell me that my dance moves are sexy? It’s always those two who just have to tell me these embarrassing things. Why can’t they be like Onew-hyung and leave me alone with that stuff?
Some time during one of our practices, Minho-hyung had been staring at me as usual- which, by the way, had started getting a bit weird and I was feeling self-conscious because of it- and hadn’t been paying any attention to his feet and tripped. We all stopped dancing and Key-hyung went to turn the music off as the rest of us gathered around Minho-hyung.
“Dude, what happened?” Jonghyun-hyung asked incredulously.
“Ahh~ I just… got dizzy and lost my footing trying to keep balance,” he lied, glancing at me every few seconds.
“Are you okay? Do you need some water?” Key-hyung spitballed as he came over to join the circle. The ‘umma’ in him was brought out.
“No, I’m fine.” He reached for Onew-hyung’s proffered hand and was pulled to his feet.
“Maybe you should sit down and rest for a while,” I suggested.
Minho-hyung flashed his eyes at me and shook his head. “No, it’s cool. The dizziness is gone now. I just need to try harder.”
I smiled at his answer and I could’ve sworn I saw his eyes widen in awe at that. Later, I would confront him about his new behavior. Hopefully, it would stop after that because I was getting worried, even though I found it a little weird at the same time. We even became awkward again. This time, it was him who flinched at the touches.
At first, I thought it was nothing- like other times before when I thought his actions were nothing- and shrugged it off. But he kept flinching and even distancing himself away from me. I thought he’d gotten over knowing about my love for him. I wondered what his problem was now. He really frustrated me sometimes… no matter how much I loved him.
Suddenly, one day when I was practicing by myself in the dance room, Minho appeared and clapped when I finished. We had finally released our music video for ‘Lucifer’ by this time and I was just free-styling to my heart’s content- mainly to take out my aggravation towards Minho-hyung. I was taken aback and spun around quickly to look at him. As I did so, I lost my footing and fell. Minho-hyung rushed over to me and knelt down to prop me up.
“Are you okay, Taeminnie?” he asked worriedly. He sounded as if nothing’s been weird with us.
“Y-yeah. I’m fine. Just got really startled is all.” I tried to stand up, but when I put weight on my right foot, I went down again. That sucked… a lot.
“You’ve twisted your ankle,” Minho-hyung deadpanned.
Yeah, I realized that, I thought sarcastically, still feeling a little bitter towards him. Regretfully, I voiced it out. “No duh, genius. I turned and fell. Of course it’s twisted.” I really wanted to slap myself then.
He didn’t say anything. Did he know he deserved that? Okay, maybe not deserve, but… Did he guess I’ve been a bit… unhappy with him lately? And if so, did he already know that I was probably- finally- taking it out on him?
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. My head was hanging and I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes after saying something in such a hateful way. He was probably thinking that I hate him now.
“No,” he murmured, making me glance at him for a few seconds in shock before I hung my head again. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I’ve been avoiding you, Taemin-ah. And it’s for the dumbest reason ever.”
I looked up at him again. He seemed so… miserable. “Tell me,” I demanded firmly. “I want to know what in the world has been going on with you all of a sudden.” When he didn’t say anything, I continued; all my pent-up feelings exploding at the moment. “I told you I love you and you promised you wouldn’t treat me differently. But you did. Not entirely, but it was different. A week later, you acted normally around me again and all my worries were gone; I was happy.
“A few months later, we got ready for our new album and you started acting differently around me again. It’s been a month since then. Please tell me what is going on before I lose it.” I was staring intently- practically glaring- at him and he was just sitting there with his head bowed; like he was deep in thought.
Finally, he looked up and gazed at me with such a tender glint in his eyes. “I love you too, Taemin.” I gasped at his abrupt confession and felt so… elated. “I have… for a few months now. I only didn’t tell you because I wasn’t sure if you still felt the same way.” His expression became desperate. “You still feel that way, right?”
I slowly nodded my head- too stunned to say anything. Little did I know that my mouth was wide open and my eyes were bugged out. After a while, I came back to reality and found my voice… along with my vocabulary. “You… So all this time, you’ve felt the same way and avoided me because of that?” I asked incredulously.
“I know. It’s stupid. I guess I was just… scared. We’re both guys and we’re idols. Do you realize the consequences of that?”
“Do you realize that I’ve thought about that and that I don’t care?” I threw back at him.
“You have?” he inquired, surprised that I’ve thought about what could happen if two male idols were in a relationship.
“Yeah. I’m eighteen. Shouldn’t I be considered smart enough to think about these things? I may be a little naïve, but I’m not stupid.”
To my utter surprise and confusion, he laughed. “You’re right. I was just your age not too long ago, so of course it should be no different with you. This might make you a bit exasperated with me, but I sometimes still think of you when you were fourteen.”
I stared at him with a blank face for a minute. “Yeah, that does make me feel exasperated with you.”
He laughed again- which caused me to laugh with him. So there we were: sitting on the floor of the dance room, laughing like a couple of idiots. It felt good to laugh with him again.
When we finally calmed down, Minho looked at me; his eyes shining. “Taeminnie, will you forgive me for being so stupid all this time?”
“Of course,” I shrugged. He scooted closer and leaned over to give me hug. It was different- much different from all the other ones. This hug was neither awkward nor brotherly. So much love filled this one hug and I felt like we were the only two people in the world. (It’s amazing how love can make everything seem so cheesy and corny.)
“I really do love you, Taemin. I always will,” he whispered in my ear.
“I know,” I whispered back. “I love you too, Minho-hyung. And I’ll never stop. Even when I thought you didn’t love me, I never stopped loving you.”
After that, we officially became a couple. We didn’t care anymore what people would think… at least, we didn’t care what our hyungs would think. Our relationship was decided to be kept secret until we felt that others- like everyone in the company and our families- were ready to know about us.
Some things are just meant to be furtive- like love. The trail to the park in my love story was a roller coaster itself. Although the ride to that park had its ups and downs, the scenery when it came to a stop was beautiful. I knew then- and I know it now- that love is just a risk you have to take; just go for it.
~*~
A/N: Okay, in all honesty, this is the first time I'm posting this fic in my journal, but it's not the first time I'm posting it, period. I had posted it in taeminho a long time ago a few months ago or so, but because I didn't know how to use lj-cut back then and didn't use it on my story, it got deleted. (It sucked though cuz I had a few good comments on this fic. >.<) But it's all okay cuz I needed to fix a few things anyway, so it worked out alright. ^^ Anyway, I hope whoever reads this fic this time likes it as well and if not... then I'm sorry it didn't suit your taste, but you're more than welcome to find other fics to read. :)