on valleys and mountains...
so....
yeah.
im single.
life is much more simpler, yet there are many complexities.
for one.
i get to focus on myself for a while. a good long while. sure, i'll most likely have a few crushes and flirt with some guys, but for reals, i need to get right with everything.
but it has also made me realize, I am not the person who I thought I was. However, do I even want to be the person I thought I was?
the hardest part is that i don't know who i want to become. sure, i want to be good person, i want to be a testimony for god, but does that mean i have to be exactly like everyone else? or course not.
i want to be good. i want to be a hard worker. i want to make people think. i want to catch attention and retain it. i want to do what i want to do. i want His wants to become mine. i want to become less selfish. i want to be different.
needless to say, the next couple of months are going to alot of soul-seeking.
two.
i am not going to defend rey. but i am going to set things straight.
my life has never been black and white. good and evil. bad and good. right and wrong. it has not been cookie cutter. it has been far from perfect. what you see on the surface is but a drop in the bucket in the 20 years i have been alive.
my life has been all sorts of shades of grey.
Too often I see people who have had easy lives see the world in black and white. Why not? there is good and bad and they are mutually exclusive. Nothing bad has ever happned to them. To them, once you are good and you go bad you have to live with the consequences and are forever bad.
The irony is that many of those people are people who call themselves Christians--more accurately--followers of Christ. What I hate is that so often they get so caught up in defining the world in black and white that they forget the very essence of Christ-his love for us saved us from our sin. Jesus went out there and loved those who were not loved. If Jesus and God had that mindset than death would be it. People forget that life is not black and white. Life is all black. We all sin. We all are bad. No sin is greater than another in the eyes of God. We have all sinned, and we are all unholy. If you gossip it is the same as having sex before marriage and that is the same as loving yourself more than God.
To me there is no such thing as a bad person. To label someone as bad is to throw away a good life. Once you have someone pegged as bad, any evidence of good is completely forgotten. "Sammy was a good girl, but then she did this...blah blah" and the focus is shifted to what they have done wrong. How they screwed up their life. No one ever focuses on how they can get right. How they can get better.
When you call someone bad you basically say that that someone has no hope. and i believe that everyone has hope no matter what they have done. I am not afraid of bad people. I am not saying I am incorruptible. But I believe in second chances. i believe that there is always some good in someone. Maybe that is where I went wrong. Most likely.
but the way i think of is this: if i screwed up, if i went down a wrong path, if i made a few bad choices i would not consider myself to be a bad person. I would see myself as a good person with a good heart who has screwed up.
And I would want to be seen as someone who has hope. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. I would want a second chance. Is that not one of the essences of love? Mercy?
so, it is safe to say that it is harder for me to distinguish lesser forms of evil--not in a demonic sense, but rather in an everyday practicality. To me, life has always been ying and yang. You take the good with the bad, and that anything that is good can also have bad, and it is inseparable. Needless to say, it is alot harder for me to see something as so bad that the good does not make up for it, something so bad that i must divorce myself away from that person or thing. Especially when I am blinded by love.
again, i am not defending my actions, but i will offer reasoning. mainly for myself so i can look at what i'm saying in the text and try my hardest not to return.
however. i was with rey because i did like him. i was attracted to him. i was attracted to the idea of him, and who he projected himself to be when he was with me and who i thought he was.
that doesn't mean that i enjoyed the bad.
Who in their right mind does? I am not a sadist.
I had a certain amount of commitment to see it out, to take the good with the bad. And there were good times, and i had fun, i experienced new things, and i loved him.
That’s why I was with him. I saw the good. I knew there was good. I hoped it would be a good relationship. So, I threw caution to the wind and did it.
Swing.
and a miss.
So. Ok. I got hurt. It was not good. There was misplaced hope. I might've been foolish. But I did the best I could.
Because I see good in someone, am I weak?
To me, I feel as though I am already stronger. Not due to the pain I experience, (although what does not kill you makes you stronger) but in that I lived, I loved, I learned and I experienced. I am so much wiser now. I feel almost as if I am a better person because I have exposed myself to the worst and I am come out of it alive. i can move on with my life and be so much more prepared. Can you really learn that much from happiness? I feel as though the growth I am experiencing now is ten times greater than any growth I felt when I was in happy and good place.
I regret nothing. I take back nothing.
Because I am so much better because of it.
yeah.
im single.
life is much more simpler, yet there are many complexities.
for one.
i get to focus on myself for a while. a good long while. sure, i'll most likely have a few crushes and flirt with some guys, but for reals, i need to get right with everything.
but it has also made me realize, I am not the person who I thought I was. However, do I even want to be the person I thought I was?
the hardest part is that i don't know who i want to become. sure, i want to be good person, i want to be a testimony for god, but does that mean i have to be exactly like everyone else? or course not.
i want to be good. i want to be a hard worker. i want to make people think. i want to catch attention and retain it. i want to do what i want to do. i want His wants to become mine. i want to become less selfish. i want to be different.
needless to say, the next couple of months are going to alot of soul-seeking.
two.
i am not going to defend rey. but i am going to set things straight.
my life has never been black and white. good and evil. bad and good. right and wrong. it has not been cookie cutter. it has been far from perfect. what you see on the surface is but a drop in the bucket in the 20 years i have been alive.
my life has been all sorts of shades of grey.
Too often I see people who have had easy lives see the world in black and white. Why not? there is good and bad and they are mutually exclusive. Nothing bad has ever happned to them. To them, once you are good and you go bad you have to live with the consequences and are forever bad.
The irony is that many of those people are people who call themselves Christians--more accurately--followers of Christ. What I hate is that so often they get so caught up in defining the world in black and white that they forget the very essence of Christ-his love for us saved us from our sin. Jesus went out there and loved those who were not loved. If Jesus and God had that mindset than death would be it. People forget that life is not black and white. Life is all black. We all sin. We all are bad. No sin is greater than another in the eyes of God. We have all sinned, and we are all unholy. If you gossip it is the same as having sex before marriage and that is the same as loving yourself more than God.
To me there is no such thing as a bad person. To label someone as bad is to throw away a good life. Once you have someone pegged as bad, any evidence of good is completely forgotten. "Sammy was a good girl, but then she did this...blah blah" and the focus is shifted to what they have done wrong. How they screwed up their life. No one ever focuses on how they can get right. How they can get better.
When you call someone bad you basically say that that someone has no hope. and i believe that everyone has hope no matter what they have done. I am not afraid of bad people. I am not saying I am incorruptible. But I believe in second chances. i believe that there is always some good in someone. Maybe that is where I went wrong. Most likely.
but the way i think of is this: if i screwed up, if i went down a wrong path, if i made a few bad choices i would not consider myself to be a bad person. I would see myself as a good person with a good heart who has screwed up.
And I would want to be seen as someone who has hope. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. I would want a second chance. Is that not one of the essences of love? Mercy?
so, it is safe to say that it is harder for me to distinguish lesser forms of evil--not in a demonic sense, but rather in an everyday practicality. To me, life has always been ying and yang. You take the good with the bad, and that anything that is good can also have bad, and it is inseparable. Needless to say, it is alot harder for me to see something as so bad that the good does not make up for it, something so bad that i must divorce myself away from that person or thing. Especially when I am blinded by love.
again, i am not defending my actions, but i will offer reasoning. mainly for myself so i can look at what i'm saying in the text and try my hardest not to return.
however. i was with rey because i did like him. i was attracted to him. i was attracted to the idea of him, and who he projected himself to be when he was with me and who i thought he was.
that doesn't mean that i enjoyed the bad.
Who in their right mind does? I am not a sadist.
I had a certain amount of commitment to see it out, to take the good with the bad. And there were good times, and i had fun, i experienced new things, and i loved him.
That’s why I was with him. I saw the good. I knew there was good. I hoped it would be a good relationship. So, I threw caution to the wind and did it.
Swing.
and a miss.
So. Ok. I got hurt. It was not good. There was misplaced hope. I might've been foolish. But I did the best I could.
Because I see good in someone, am I weak?
To me, I feel as though I am already stronger. Not due to the pain I experience, (although what does not kill you makes you stronger) but in that I lived, I loved, I learned and I experienced. I am so much wiser now. I feel almost as if I am a better person because I have exposed myself to the worst and I am come out of it alive. i can move on with my life and be so much more prepared. Can you really learn that much from happiness? I feel as though the growth I am experiencing now is ten times greater than any growth I felt when I was in happy and good place.
I regret nothing. I take back nothing.
Because I am so much better because of it.