Just let me go, just set me free, and turn these nightmares into dreams...
Lately, all I've been doing is thinking about the past. Wondering if life is nothing more than a game that I've been playing all wrong. I let the wrong people in, and shut out the ones who really matter. And now, I can't even remember who those people are. I can't tell the difference anymore, and I end up trusting people who fuck me over. And I'm losing the ones that I really love.
I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was ready to move on, and I thought that I could face my past and beat it. As it turns out, I wasn't quite there yet. I was so close to the end, and one moment of blindness sacrificed everything I have worked so hard for over the past year. I've been fighting to get myself back, and for a long time I was winning. I wonder if, in light of what I let happen, I gave up that fight. Will I let this defeat me and succumb to the misery that consumed my every thought for the past year? I'm not giving up just yet. This is what life is. It's fucking up, and then fucking up again and again. It's making the same mistake 100 times over until you finally get it right. And I will get it right. I don't care how long it takes or what I need to do to get through this. There's no longer any other choices.
I knew that it wouldn't work. I knew that no matter how much I wanted it to be, love simply wasnt enough and it never would be. I knew I deserved better, and I believed it was out there if I would only give myself the chance. Problem was, I wasn't ready to really take that chance. I feel like a little kid who finally got in the water but is too afraid to take off her life preserver and swim away. I feel like once I finally take that last step, I'll be ready to close the last few years of my life and start again. Find something better. And despite what I may say, I do believe something better exists. The problem is, I've been using my past as a life preserver because I'm too scared to swim on my own. I'm too scared to let go.
So what did I do instead? I ran out of the water screaming and ended up right back where I started. As I realized how badly I misjudged some of the people in my life, how wrong I was, I got scared that my judgement was clouded. I got scared that if I was wrong about some people, that I could be wrong about everything. That I could have been making a huge mistake and losing something that could never be replaced. It wasn't until I hit the pavement that I realized what a huge mistake it was to get out of the water. And there, in a mess on the floor, I started remembering all of the other times I had fallen. All of the other times I had gotten hurt, and how some of those wounds will never truly heal. In that moment, I realized just where I needed to be.
If I jump back into the water without any protection, there's a chance I might drown. But maybe I won't. Maybe I'll finally learn to swim on my own.
I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was ready to move on, and I thought that I could face my past and beat it. As it turns out, I wasn't quite there yet. I was so close to the end, and one moment of blindness sacrificed everything I have worked so hard for over the past year. I've been fighting to get myself back, and for a long time I was winning. I wonder if, in light of what I let happen, I gave up that fight. Will I let this defeat me and succumb to the misery that consumed my every thought for the past year? I'm not giving up just yet. This is what life is. It's fucking up, and then fucking up again and again. It's making the same mistake 100 times over until you finally get it right. And I will get it right. I don't care how long it takes or what I need to do to get through this. There's no longer any other choices.
I knew that it wouldn't work. I knew that no matter how much I wanted it to be, love simply wasnt enough and it never would be. I knew I deserved better, and I believed it was out there if I would only give myself the chance. Problem was, I wasn't ready to really take that chance. I feel like a little kid who finally got in the water but is too afraid to take off her life preserver and swim away. I feel like once I finally take that last step, I'll be ready to close the last few years of my life and start again. Find something better. And despite what I may say, I do believe something better exists. The problem is, I've been using my past as a life preserver because I'm too scared to swim on my own. I'm too scared to let go.
So what did I do instead? I ran out of the water screaming and ended up right back where I started. As I realized how badly I misjudged some of the people in my life, how wrong I was, I got scared that my judgement was clouded. I got scared that if I was wrong about some people, that I could be wrong about everything. That I could have been making a huge mistake and losing something that could never be replaced. It wasn't until I hit the pavement that I realized what a huge mistake it was to get out of the water. And there, in a mess on the floor, I started remembering all of the other times I had fallen. All of the other times I had gotten hurt, and how some of those wounds will never truly heal. In that moment, I realized just where I needed to be.
If I jump back into the water without any protection, there's a chance I might drown. But maybe I won't. Maybe I'll finally learn to swim on my own.