A New Year, A New You
Sure enough, it has been 1/4 of a year since my last update. A lot has happened since then, but also not a lot.
In November, we went to Indiana to have Thanksgiving with Mark's family. Overall, it was a rather smooth trip. We spent the first day in Chicago hanging out with Tomich, who took us around for good food and drink. We went to a Christmas village with gluhwein, went for one of Chicago's most notable burgers, had a cocktail at the top of a skyscraper, went to Sidetrack.
I spent a good deal of the month reading Killing Commendatore, which I found overall enjoyable, despite being Murakami-trite. The protagonist of the novel is a mid-30's artist, which was relatable at this time in my life. His wife leaves him without explanation, and he realizes he has given up his passion of painting abstract art to paint for money. He has a knack for capturing the true essence of his subjects, though rarely appears judgmental. He settles in a remote mountain house, formerly occupied by a famous Japanese painter, who also has a life shift after returning from his 20's in Nazi-occupied Austria. There, the main character rediscovers painting, befriends a wealthy middle-aged man, and discovers a haunted well in the backyard, which they of course unearth. It was fun enough just seeing how things played out, which questions would be answered, what the connections were between characters.
I won 3 tournaments in a row - a MC+, NAGVA Louisville B, and an RCO C where I was setting. But I basically felt crippled by the time we were leaving for Mexico - lots of back pain, which still hasn't completely gone away with a vball hiatus for 2 weeks.
I barely accomplished any work while I was there, but it was very relaxing. We went on one excursion where I rode an ATC with Mark for the first time. While it rained one or two of the days, we were enable to enjoy enough sunshine, and I did get to play beach volleyball 2x.
We got home, ordered pizza, slept, and left the next morning for the Jets-Packers game, making it to NJ in ~3 hours. We also visited Nanny (2x), went to the Christmas Eve party at Troy & Dario's, had Christmas at the house, went to the poker room, and met up with NNJ friends.
When we got back to Boston, I played vball, and we went to a NYE party at Chris' house nearby. I ordered our wedding invitations.
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I don't have many thoughts about things lately. I feel kind of broken and empty. I'm nervous that I don't know how to do a good job for work, or haven't been working hard enough, and that's one thing I need to secure for the new year, it's a big priority. Another big priority is my relationship with Mark. He has been depressed, and as a result, I feel like I've been treating him with kid gloves lately. I want to make his life better, within reason, as I feel like that could grow to consume all my time and focus if I let it, but I also feel powerless to do so. Maybe it's winter blues, though the days are starting to get longer again. Our lives are filled with a bit more cold rationality than the flowery engagement photos of so many other couples. Please don't tell me I've beat the joy out of my partner. We do manage to enjoy a lot of silly daily moments.
Reading back to Japan, it helps to remember that I was able to be happy, was adventurous. I keep thinking back to this random moment a year ago, when I chatted with a former grad student, and told her that I had locked away my desire to pursue antibiotics research in a box, and would perhaps reopen it for a more opportune time. I keep fixating on this. Right now, I feel flat and uninspired - like I've allowed countless unsolvable problems from my life and from those closest to me to trample me into the ground and that I've learned how to sit there without bothering to attempt progress as my time whittles away. Little gestures and actions seem paltry in the face of such weight, like mere symbolism in place of efficacy.
I started playing Mass Effect Andromeda, but am underwhelmed. I didn't work out the past 2 days, but I did do an Insanity video with Mark which broke my body for a few days.
Can't believe that Call Me By Your Name came out a year ago already.
Good thing I have good and inspirational people in my life.