(no subject)
Last night was one of the most difficult nights I've been through in the last decade. Breaking up with Carla was awful. She was so blindsided by the whole thing and is still struggling to understand my reasoning. All I want to do right now is take the easy way out, tell her everything is going to be okay and that I can stay with her and hold on to hope that things will get better. I don't want to hurt her, but turning back now would just be resigning myself to a half invested relationship for the sake of keeping her happy. I know she loves me and cares for me deeply, and thats what makes this so hard. I keep telling myself that I've wanted and tried to love her back, but I feel like even when everything is perfect and we are both putting in 100% I still only feel 'okay' or 'comfortable'.
I've got a rough few weeks ahead while I sort my life out, and I'm not looking forward to the logistical side of seperating after so many years; dealing with the house, the dogs, the bills... It's going to be a nightmare. The laid back, chilled side of myself wants to turn back, to take the short term happiness presented to me - just stay here in this life we've carved out together, get high and forget this whole thing as if it were a speedbump on a long road. But I can't shake the feeling that road was leading to an inevitable end at some point around the bend, and staying that same course would mean another few years of being in an 'okay' relationship and ultimately end right here anyways... in the same shitty place im in right now.
Fuck, this sucks. I feel like I'm being really selfish.
I've just got to trust that gut feeling that I've had for years - I've finally pulled the trigger on this and even though it feels like I'm throwing my whole life away I have to trust that this is all for the best.
I've got a rough few weeks ahead while I sort my life out, and I'm not looking forward to the logistical side of seperating after so many years; dealing with the house, the dogs, the bills... It's going to be a nightmare. The laid back, chilled side of myself wants to turn back, to take the short term happiness presented to me - just stay here in this life we've carved out together, get high and forget this whole thing as if it were a speedbump on a long road. But I can't shake the feeling that road was leading to an inevitable end at some point around the bend, and staying that same course would mean another few years of being in an 'okay' relationship and ultimately end right here anyways... in the same shitty place im in right now.
Fuck, this sucks. I feel like I'm being really selfish.
I've just got to trust that gut feeling that I've had for years - I've finally pulled the trigger on this and even though it feels like I'm throwing my whole life away I have to trust that this is all for the best.