(no subject)
Facing yourself is hard. Someone shoving a reflection of who you really are - the truth - is even harder to deal with. I try to play this big facade, and I think it actually works - like hey, maybe I can live my whole life doing things without people seeing my real motives and intentions behind them! and then I realize someone has seen past it all along. It's scary as hell knowing someone really SEES who you are. It's scary hearing the truth. It's scary hearing your thoughts spoken out loud by someone else.
It made me angry and defensive. But once I took a step back, I now wonder - do I really want someone to love me for who I pretend to be? Do I really want to be with someone who just goes with what I say and says what I want to hear? I should be glad that I'm still loved despite the fact the he really does see how and who I am. But, really, it scares me. I should have expected him to see past everything, but really I thought I had everyone fooled. I guess I was wrong, and - it scares me. I don't know if I like it or want it. He puts me in such an uncomfortable position, because I'm not use to it. I'm not use to people who make me face the truth. I'm use to getting what I want - hearing what I want to hear - getting comforted in the way I want to be comforted. I'm use to being babied and spoiled. He's not like everyone else, and I don't know what to make of it.
I thought I had everything figured out, but another factor was placed in. Do I really want the truth or would I rather stay in the comfort of a lie? I just don't know. Honesty is the best policy, but once the truth is uncovered by someone else it's hard to face. I don't know if I want to face it, or have someone who makes me face it. It's scary.
It made me angry and defensive. But once I took a step back, I now wonder - do I really want someone to love me for who I pretend to be? Do I really want to be with someone who just goes with what I say and says what I want to hear? I should be glad that I'm still loved despite the fact the he really does see how and who I am. But, really, it scares me. I should have expected him to see past everything, but really I thought I had everyone fooled. I guess I was wrong, and - it scares me. I don't know if I like it or want it. He puts me in such an uncomfortable position, because I'm not use to it. I'm not use to people who make me face the truth. I'm use to getting what I want - hearing what I want to hear - getting comforted in the way I want to be comforted. I'm use to being babied and spoiled. He's not like everyone else, and I don't know what to make of it.
I thought I had everything figured out, but another factor was placed in. Do I really want the truth or would I rather stay in the comfort of a lie? I just don't know. Honesty is the best policy, but once the truth is uncovered by someone else it's hard to face. I don't know if I want to face it, or have someone who makes me face it. It's scary.