Hugs From The Other Side
After a gruelling nine days here, what I needed was a restful sleep the night before going home. Day Ten was going to be brutal, with rain predicted for the drive home. It pounded down rain on the way here and I was hoping it won't be quite so exhausting a drive today.
Of course, I woke up after a little over four hours of sleep--that's just a long nap! I couldn't go back to sleep so I began cleaning up; I was too drained last night to do anything but sit in my chair and listen to Deepak Chopra lecture on physical healing, emotional wellbeing.
I loved most of what he said but not his answer to an audience member who asked if we should sever relationships with toxic people; he said absolutely not! Good grief, that's not what I wanted to hear! He explained earlier that we were all connected, and that it would be detrimental for one to have anything but love and compassion for all others as it would affect us directly due to our connection. Bah!
All I could think about was how hard I have tried to love and care about my sister, and all she has done is betray me, lie to me, and lie about me for as long as I can remember. She is 53 years old!
While cleaning up this morning, I felt like I might be able to go back to sleep. I was happy to fall asleep within a few minutes but awoke to a loud beeping sound. My laptop malfunctions now and then, with this sound, and I don't understand why; there is no ryhme or reason. When this happens I have to unplug it, remove the battery, then reverse that and restart my computer.
I didn't care about that as much as I was upset to be woken from a deep restful sleep! Would I be able to return to sleep!? Probably not, I thought--but I thought wrong! Sleep during this time of the day is usually when I have my most restful, refreshing and dream-filled sleep. In the last couple of years I have been able to remember more of my dreams than ever. They used to leave my conscious mind as soon as I remembered them only for a few moments, then poof, gone.
Today's dream involved me running off in anger--at my sister, who else?--but also my mother. When my sister is being her nasty self I blame my mother for creating the monster she has become; even my mother grew to loathe the bully her daughter became. She has grown worse with age.
My family were not thrilled about my sudden departure. I headed somewhere south, a dessert with mountains. Everything happend in a strange sequence possible only in a dream. While stopped at a gas station, I noticed dust flying from the mountain side, but it was made of sand. The sand had been disturbed at an adventure tourist destination adjacent to the gas station. Young men jumping off the side, clinging to ropes or bungees, had disturbed the sand, making lots of happy noises on their descent. I raised up my iPhone, high enough to get photos of the adventurers. When I lowered my iPhone and my eyes, who should appear before me, coming up over a little rise, but my sister, her daughters, and my mother.
Except for my mother, they were the last people I wanted to see! I am so worn out after the past nine days of sharing a house with them, being treated like an intruder and saboteuse, living on edge, knowing a face-to-face encounter will include being scolded. On the verge of escaping without seeing them today, they appear in a dream! Ugh!
Then it dawned on me that the reason they showed up was to bring my mother to me, that she had insisted they bring her to me. I wrapped my arms around her to guide her through some difficult terrain; she held me too. After we passed through a narrow rock lined passage, she held me like she never had in life. Not in all my 54 years. The flood gates opened. In my dream I cried with the knowledge that my mother understood that she had always put my sister first but that she truly and deeply loved me. Those glorious and profound few moments were interrupted by me waking up crying.
Thanks, Mom, I really needed that.
*EDIT* Of importance to me, since I believe in that sort of thing, is that for two days after this happened, I kept seeing shadows in my peripheral vision--although I was absolutely positively all alone in the suite. Normally that would have been very spooky, but it was actually reassuring because I was so certain that it was my mother.
Of course, I woke up after a little over four hours of sleep--that's just a long nap! I couldn't go back to sleep so I began cleaning up; I was too drained last night to do anything but sit in my chair and listen to Deepak Chopra lecture on physical healing, emotional wellbeing.
I loved most of what he said but not his answer to an audience member who asked if we should sever relationships with toxic people; he said absolutely not! Good grief, that's not what I wanted to hear! He explained earlier that we were all connected, and that it would be detrimental for one to have anything but love and compassion for all others as it would affect us directly due to our connection. Bah!
All I could think about was how hard I have tried to love and care about my sister, and all she has done is betray me, lie to me, and lie about me for as long as I can remember. She is 53 years old!
While cleaning up this morning, I felt like I might be able to go back to sleep. I was happy to fall asleep within a few minutes but awoke to a loud beeping sound. My laptop malfunctions now and then, with this sound, and I don't understand why; there is no ryhme or reason. When this happens I have to unplug it, remove the battery, then reverse that and restart my computer.
I didn't care about that as much as I was upset to be woken from a deep restful sleep! Would I be able to return to sleep!? Probably not, I thought--but I thought wrong! Sleep during this time of the day is usually when I have my most restful, refreshing and dream-filled sleep. In the last couple of years I have been able to remember more of my dreams than ever. They used to leave my conscious mind as soon as I remembered them only for a few moments, then poof, gone.
Today's dream involved me running off in anger--at my sister, who else?--but also my mother. When my sister is being her nasty self I blame my mother for creating the monster she has become; even my mother grew to loathe the bully her daughter became. She has grown worse with age.
My family were not thrilled about my sudden departure. I headed somewhere south, a dessert with mountains. Everything happend in a strange sequence possible only in a dream. While stopped at a gas station, I noticed dust flying from the mountain side, but it was made of sand. The sand had been disturbed at an adventure tourist destination adjacent to the gas station. Young men jumping off the side, clinging to ropes or bungees, had disturbed the sand, making lots of happy noises on their descent. I raised up my iPhone, high enough to get photos of the adventurers. When I lowered my iPhone and my eyes, who should appear before me, coming up over a little rise, but my sister, her daughters, and my mother.
Except for my mother, they were the last people I wanted to see! I am so worn out after the past nine days of sharing a house with them, being treated like an intruder and saboteuse, living on edge, knowing a face-to-face encounter will include being scolded. On the verge of escaping without seeing them today, they appear in a dream! Ugh!
Then it dawned on me that the reason they showed up was to bring my mother to me, that she had insisted they bring her to me. I wrapped my arms around her to guide her through some difficult terrain; she held me too. After we passed through a narrow rock lined passage, she held me like she never had in life. Not in all my 54 years. The flood gates opened. In my dream I cried with the knowledge that my mother understood that she had always put my sister first but that she truly and deeply loved me. Those glorious and profound few moments were interrupted by me waking up crying.
Thanks, Mom, I really needed that.
*EDIT* Of importance to me, since I believe in that sort of thing, is that for two days after this happened, I kept seeing shadows in my peripheral vision--although I was absolutely positively all alone in the suite. Normally that would have been very spooky, but it was actually reassuring because I was so certain that it was my mother.