So I call my mother with a Christmas gift question for my mother about my father. It’s a question of color. Her options were red, blue and black. Her response ( Read more... )

Randy: I just saw your twin.
Kate: ??
Randy: I saw Kate II here is California. You are taller.
Kate: Am not!
Randy: R2!
Kate: No way! I'm the shortest Kate there ever was!
Randy: She might be named Cate.
Kate: No way man! Kill it!
Randy: I'll bring you her heart in a box.
Kate: Excellent.

Mom: Are you okay in there, sweetie?
Little girl in stall: I can't button my pants.
Mom: It's alright. Just come on out.
Little girl in stall: And I pooped on the floor.

--Bathroom, AMC Theatres, Times Square

"Because we're just mean HORRIBLE harpies.
"Caw, caw!"
"What was that?"
"That’s my best harpy noise. I don't know what sound a harpy makes. What sound DOES a harpy make?"
"Harpy-caw! Harpy-caw!"
"I now have the impulse to run around the office flapping my arms."
"You should."
"You're a bad person."
"I’m a bad person."
"You're going to hell with me."
" ( Read more... )

I called Mom this morning to check on her and her foot (she had surgery yesterday). We were chatting for a bit and she comes out with some REAL gems.

"I talked with my homies."
"What?"
"I talked to Kathy for a while."
"Mom why are you talking like that?"
"Because it wigs your father out, yo."
"…"
"Well, it annoys him really."
"I can see that."

[Pause in ( Read more... )

( Read more... )

Takne from Celebritywit.com
Paul McCartney on phone to [ex-]wife: I just can't wait until I never have to see your face again!
Heather Mills: You'll never get rid of me!

Taken from Overheard in New York

Little boy: Mom, how did the dinosaurs cook their meat?
Mother: They didn't, they ate it raw.
Little boy: Oh. [Long pause.] Are Japanese people dinosaurs?

Stupid People
"Where do these stupid people come from? Well, they come from American schools. But while they're attending these schools, they're never identified as stupid. That comes later, when they grow up. When they're kids, you can't call them stupid. Which may be contributing to the problem."

"You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado."
- George Carlin