"I'm not dead just floating / I'm not scared just changing / You're my crack of sunlight yeah"
Look out, Kate is thinking.
A friend of mine is having a hard time of it right now. She's got a lot going on and I really wish that there is something more I can do for her.
I just fired off an email to her telling her to be careful with someone who she would change EVERYTHING for and all they would have to do is ask. I told her that someone she'll end up with will be someone who ENHANCES who she is, makes her a better person and will take care of her heart as much as she wants to take care of his.
This particular line of thought has been running as background on me for a bit now, what with the events of the past few months which fed in thoughts (of course) about Tim.
I have this natural need to change to what other people want of me, at least the people who don't matter and who don't get me.
I have this constant need to try and be the Kate that other people want, not the Kate that I am. To most I am happy bouncy Kate, the chick who has boundless energy and enthusiasm for most projects, the girl who is pushy and bossy and self centered. A lot of people try to make me their sidekick, either to make me their partner in THEIR projects and their support.
This was most evident in Tim where I rode shotgun everywhere he went, supported him in his projects and in the meantime lost myself. I followed him around and gave myself the identity of Tim's girlfriend. I played in his Marvel game, went with him to sports games, drove to Philly, I helped out as much as I could in LAW. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I spent as much of my time in South Jersey as possible, even if I was just sleeping there and he was working.
After we broke up, I realized that I had nothing left. I didn't have anyone or anything to fill the void that was left by him leaving me.
Tim didn't enhance me. Tim didn't ask that I change to be with him, I just did it and in the end I resented him for it. I think that was one of the bigger downfalls of the entire relationship, you save for the lovely HPV we picked up. That was a joy.
Recently I was in another situation which was similar to the Tim relationship, but it was just as toxic and bad for me. I had blinded myself, yet again and I was slowly letting go of the woman who I had just met, to fit someone else's vision. Again, I wasn't asked to do this, I'm just naturally a pleaser. In the end I never got to see just how badly things could have gotten and I am now reconciling my knowledge of what really was with the ghost of what I thought that I had. Much like Tim, it spun out of control, and I was lucky that I was yanked out before I lost myself in another void.
The point of all of this is that I haven't gotten myself lost in Avie and Vinny. If anything, I found myself because of them. They bring to the front all of the good things about me that I had kept hidden. Like my ability to pick up just about anything without blinking and my apparent rapid learning curve. Through them I've been able to harden my writing and work on projects that I never thought I would ever accomplish (or start). Instead of getting pissed off at me when I haven't been able to do something, they've worked with me to overcome the barriers.
That's what love is. Love is about bringing out the best in all parties involved. When you fall, you want to change for them. The difference is that real love, you want to change, but it's a healthy type of change. It's like an animal shedding; you get rid of the dead bits that aren't needed anymore. Love is complementing each other. When one is down for the count, the partner (or partners as the case may be) steps up, forms rank and protects you, gives you that wall to leave on. And vice versa. Real love helps you change in ways that improve your life and help you on your path, and sometimes (most times actually) it DOES take work and awareness and a lot of self discovery.
The false love, the dangerous kind… you want to make yourself more pleasing to them to try and pull them close. To do that is just fooling and deluding yourself into a false sense of closeness. False love moves you to another path entirely and changes you into someone else. That isn't real. It can't be real because you aren't being real. You're just being a mask, a shell if you will.
FRED: "Nothing. I can't seem to find anything wrong with you. I mean... ...except that you're empty. There's nothing left. Just a shell."
- Angel, Season 5 "Soul Purpose"
Don't be a shell. Shells can't love because there isn't anything inside. Love, real love, won't hollow you out. Instead, it will fill you up. Make you stronger.
Test the ones that you love. Make sure that they are worthy of the beautiful gift you want to give them because most people won't take care of your heart. They won't treasure it and guard it and show it ways to expand more.
Real love helps you love more. Real love sets you free.
I like the taste of freedom. It's minty.