long long time
So it;s been a long time. I think it's time for an update on my life. So many things have changes from the last post. I'm a new person, with a new life. i'll get into that later, right now I just need somewhere where I can type and no one that knows about it can hear it.
I'm so in love right now. I have been for a long long time, with the same person. Someone I actually want to spend a life time with. I fucked it up, pretty hard core. I just want to get that second chance. This time I never cheated, I didn't lie and I was me. The only thing was , it that I was me. He has never broken my trust and that wasn't enough for me. I ALWAYS had do go looking for something, and it just kept hurting him and pushing him away. It's when you see things go down hill and for some reason you just can stop the circular motion that your spinning in. I couldn't stop it and now Kyle has left me. Sorta. We still live together, we still sleep in the same room, and we are still with each other. He doesn't call us boyfriend and girlfriend for the simple fact that he doesn't want to promise me a feature that might not happen. And He doesn't use it as an excuse to go out and look for other women. He wants it this way so that he can try to rebuild the relationship that we once had. He wants to rebuild the trust that he had in me. Yeah I know I should have gone looking threw his stuff but at the same time, you give me reason to believe that something is going on, I am going to go looking for it and if I find something you better believe that I am going to ask you about it. I think I was just looking for something so that I could get it out of the way and we could move on from there. But I kept pushing and not finding and I kept hurting him. I don't understand that when I see that I am doing something wrong that I could not fix it. I don't understand why I have the problem of stopping from something like that, even as much as I want to. I know if I were in his shoes that I would do the same thing he is doing right now, in fact I would have left. He is a bigger person for that. I don't know, I just know I want more then life just to make this work out. I want to be able to have a relationship with him, that if something goes wrong, I know we will make it threw in the end. I want to be there for him for the rest of our lives. I don't honestly think I could stay friends with him right now if he had another woman by his side. I'm willing to wait but I'm only willing to wait for so long. Does that make scents? As much as I want this to work I can't wait forever for him. If he doesn't love me the way I love him then why am I willing to try so hard to make this work. I knew from the moment that I met him that he was it for me. The first time he held my hand, the first time we kissed, the first time he told me he loved me. I was in love with him in every moment, the good ones we had, the bad ones. All of them. I just wish he could see that just because I look doesn't mean I don't trust him. I do! If I didn't I wouldn't be trying so hard to do this. I wouldn't drop it right after it's over. Aren't we expected to get over things when they are done and move on? Keep going forward. I don't care if he isn't ready to spend the rest of his life with me, thats fine but at least let it be because I cheated or lied to him, not because I was curious. We haven't fought in two days or had a relationship conversation in two days and I want it to go a couple more weeks before we do. He was saying things get better for a couple weeks then they get worse. I'm thinking if things go well for the next couple weeks that I will ask him then if we could start dating just the two of us. That means there is no promise for the future but at the same time it reassures me that it is just me he is with. I know he is saying it's just me, but sometimes it just makes a women feel better knowing that it's just her. Having some sort of title. Then we will go from there again. I just want things back to the way they were. It's just going to take some time from both of us. I've started taking anxicity (sp) pills for my nerves and I think they are working. When something feels off right now I just ask him instead of looking. I ask so many questions yesterday , he answered all of them but at the end of the day he asked. "whats up with all the questions today?" And I told him that from now on until my nerves calm down I am going to ask him instead of looking it makes me want to look around less. and he just smiled and kissed me because he knows I'm trying. I'm trying for us. I know he still loves me. He loves just as much other wise he would be trying to make this work. We just need the trust back thats all. I think I've written enough for today. I just hope he knows how much I love him. I would give my life for his if I had a chance. When we broke up it hurt just as much as when my father died. I just wanted to lay there. I didn't want to breath. I've just got to take each day as it comes though. One at a time. Well I guess thats it for now. If anyone reads this tell me what you would suggest in my shoes. Good night
Oh and Kyle, baby, I love you
I'm so in love right now. I have been for a long long time, with the same person. Someone I actually want to spend a life time with. I fucked it up, pretty hard core. I just want to get that second chance. This time I never cheated, I didn't lie and I was me. The only thing was , it that I was me. He has never broken my trust and that wasn't enough for me. I ALWAYS had do go looking for something, and it just kept hurting him and pushing him away. It's when you see things go down hill and for some reason you just can stop the circular motion that your spinning in. I couldn't stop it and now Kyle has left me. Sorta. We still live together, we still sleep in the same room, and we are still with each other. He doesn't call us boyfriend and girlfriend for the simple fact that he doesn't want to promise me a feature that might not happen. And He doesn't use it as an excuse to go out and look for other women. He wants it this way so that he can try to rebuild the relationship that we once had. He wants to rebuild the trust that he had in me. Yeah I know I should have gone looking threw his stuff but at the same time, you give me reason to believe that something is going on, I am going to go looking for it and if I find something you better believe that I am going to ask you about it. I think I was just looking for something so that I could get it out of the way and we could move on from there. But I kept pushing and not finding and I kept hurting him. I don't understand that when I see that I am doing something wrong that I could not fix it. I don't understand why I have the problem of stopping from something like that, even as much as I want to. I know if I were in his shoes that I would do the same thing he is doing right now, in fact I would have left. He is a bigger person for that. I don't know, I just know I want more then life just to make this work out. I want to be able to have a relationship with him, that if something goes wrong, I know we will make it threw in the end. I want to be there for him for the rest of our lives. I don't honestly think I could stay friends with him right now if he had another woman by his side. I'm willing to wait but I'm only willing to wait for so long. Does that make scents? As much as I want this to work I can't wait forever for him. If he doesn't love me the way I love him then why am I willing to try so hard to make this work. I knew from the moment that I met him that he was it for me. The first time he held my hand, the first time we kissed, the first time he told me he loved me. I was in love with him in every moment, the good ones we had, the bad ones. All of them. I just wish he could see that just because I look doesn't mean I don't trust him. I do! If I didn't I wouldn't be trying so hard to do this. I wouldn't drop it right after it's over. Aren't we expected to get over things when they are done and move on? Keep going forward. I don't care if he isn't ready to spend the rest of his life with me, thats fine but at least let it be because I cheated or lied to him, not because I was curious. We haven't fought in two days or had a relationship conversation in two days and I want it to go a couple more weeks before we do. He was saying things get better for a couple weeks then they get worse. I'm thinking if things go well for the next couple weeks that I will ask him then if we could start dating just the two of us. That means there is no promise for the future but at the same time it reassures me that it is just me he is with. I know he is saying it's just me, but sometimes it just makes a women feel better knowing that it's just her. Having some sort of title. Then we will go from there again. I just want things back to the way they were. It's just going to take some time from both of us. I've started taking anxicity (sp) pills for my nerves and I think they are working. When something feels off right now I just ask him instead of looking. I ask so many questions yesterday , he answered all of them but at the end of the day he asked. "whats up with all the questions today?" And I told him that from now on until my nerves calm down I am going to ask him instead of looking it makes me want to look around less. and he just smiled and kissed me because he knows I'm trying. I'm trying for us. I know he still loves me. He loves just as much other wise he would be trying to make this work. We just need the trust back thats all. I think I've written enough for today. I just hope he knows how much I love him. I would give my life for his if I had a chance. When we broke up it hurt just as much as when my father died. I just wanted to lay there. I didn't want to breath. I've just got to take each day as it comes though. One at a time. Well I guess thats it for now. If anyone reads this tell me what you would suggest in my shoes. Good night
Oh and Kyle, baby, I love you