words cannot express...
Jesus, I can't even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. All I know is that I want to go home, and that is exactly what I'm doing.
For those that don't already know, I had a very severe incident the other night. I still can't figure out what in God's name made me do it, but boy did I pay for it. And even after all of the temporal punishments are had, I will still have to live with the guilt of what I have done. Yes there were mitigating circumstances, but that does not change the fact that I hurt some people that did nothing to me. In fact, really they've been nothing but great to me.
Yeah, I went into a severe emotional downslide recently. It was just an overwhelming amount of things, personal and otherwise. Some of it was probably within my control. A lot of it was not. Either way, it snowballed before I could get a handle on it. I was basically in the middle of an emotional meltdown. Problem is, when I do that, I shut myself in so a lot of people don't know anything is wrong. Anyway, when I get like that, strange and bizarre ideas come into my head that I would never even consider in a rational state of mind. What made this meltdown different was I exercised really poor judgement and actually acted on one of those really bad ideas.
This time, people around me got scared and called the ambulance and mercer police type peoples. So I spent the night in the emergency room. Evidently at one point res life came and searched my apartment after I went to the emergency room. That's one reason why I feel awful because they found things my roommates knew nothing about. I do not blame them in the slightest for anything they feel toward me. I just hope that they eventually find it in their hearts to forgive me. And they shant have to worry about any repercussions. I explained to res life the situation, and they said that if I tell Judicial and any other people I talk to what I told them (what I told them being that my roommates knew nothing and had nothing to do with what I did. It was all me), that my roommates won't have to worry about anything.
Why did I do it? God only knows. I'm still trying to figure it out. Don't know that I ever will. Alls I know is that alcohol is bad. Just the thought of what I've done to others and the thought of that damn charcoal I had to drink makes me never want to go near the stuff again. Don't know that I ever will. And that's ok. I just really wish it didn't have to come to something as serious as this to make me realize stuff.
So that's what happened in a nutshell. I'm going home for the rest of the week to just kinda regroup. Hopefully I can salvage something out of this semester and part of my life.
For those that don't already know, I had a very severe incident the other night. I still can't figure out what in God's name made me do it, but boy did I pay for it. And even after all of the temporal punishments are had, I will still have to live with the guilt of what I have done. Yes there were mitigating circumstances, but that does not change the fact that I hurt some people that did nothing to me. In fact, really they've been nothing but great to me.
Yeah, I went into a severe emotional downslide recently. It was just an overwhelming amount of things, personal and otherwise. Some of it was probably within my control. A lot of it was not. Either way, it snowballed before I could get a handle on it. I was basically in the middle of an emotional meltdown. Problem is, when I do that, I shut myself in so a lot of people don't know anything is wrong. Anyway, when I get like that, strange and bizarre ideas come into my head that I would never even consider in a rational state of mind. What made this meltdown different was I exercised really poor judgement and actually acted on one of those really bad ideas.
This time, people around me got scared and called the ambulance and mercer police type peoples. So I spent the night in the emergency room. Evidently at one point res life came and searched my apartment after I went to the emergency room. That's one reason why I feel awful because they found things my roommates knew nothing about. I do not blame them in the slightest for anything they feel toward me. I just hope that they eventually find it in their hearts to forgive me. And they shant have to worry about any repercussions. I explained to res life the situation, and they said that if I tell Judicial and any other people I talk to what I told them (what I told them being that my roommates knew nothing and had nothing to do with what I did. It was all me), that my roommates won't have to worry about anything.
Why did I do it? God only knows. I'm still trying to figure it out. Don't know that I ever will. Alls I know is that alcohol is bad. Just the thought of what I've done to others and the thought of that damn charcoal I had to drink makes me never want to go near the stuff again. Don't know that I ever will. And that's ok. I just really wish it didn't have to come to something as serious as this to make me realize stuff.
So that's what happened in a nutshell. I'm going home for the rest of the week to just kinda regroup. Hopefully I can salvage something out of this semester and part of my life.