ranting from a good night
Why is it that when I have a good night.. somehow my one part of my past comes back and kicks me in the pants.
I mean I moved on. I got the signs.. I listened and obeyed.. yet I still get phonecalls late at night to say goodnight to me and that lingering pause as if something more wants to be said but doesn't know how to say it... and the constant uncertainty and bullshit that goes with it..
I draw a get well card for someone who is really nice, someone who I hope to acquire a decent friendship, and actually have a another good female friend to whom I can confide in and maybe them to me as well. And suddenly I'm stooping to a new low? I'm so tired these days of having to put up with that childish crap.. I mean it wouldn't bother me if I was with her.. but she left me, she doesn't have feelings for me anymore.. gag considering the shit she tells me late at night when she wants me to hold her and rub her back til she falls asleep.. and all that other crap.
I'm sick of being the one who is mature.. who can actually follow through with shit and do what I'm told or what needs to be done.
I'm deeply considering whether having her as a friend is even worthwhile anymore since she just roller coasters up and down between being close and caring and hugging and kisses and talks about shit and then next minute is flop down into ziltch, nada and nothing..
I honestly don't know what to do with her anymore. I love devon dearly and she means the world to me.. but I don't know anymore. since I've had time to step away.. I've seen how fucked over I was. and how much she took advantage of me and how I always got the bum rap for shit and looked like the bad guy when she was always the villian.
I actually felt guilty sometimes and always contemplated whether I was good enough or not.. did things because she told me to, things I wouldn't have ever done had she not mentioned and talked about shit that made me question myself.
and still I get shit for that crap too.
But she is also my weakness... I am having second thoughts about the job I have to do soon... she's clouding my mind.. and I don't want that.
I want to do this, and I will succeed.. she's always questioned me and never believes in me.. she makes me fail because then I doubt myself because she doesn't believe in me either.
I'm too close to the edge of tomorrow... the window of opportunities.. and I have a set path.. I have supporters and financial backing to do some good in the world.. maybe even publish a children's book and still
there's a looming shadow in my path
I have fun with her.. but I'm tired of her indecisiveness.. her inability to take care of herself. The constant take care of me and make my decisions for me but then if it doesn't go my way I'll whine about it and be mean to everyone cuz it didn't make me happy.. crap.
I really am better off without her.things worked out for me until I met her.. for three years I've had to work with her.. be supportive when she fucked up or needed me.. and when I needed someone no one was there... not on her side at least... on things I needed some real support on.
and there's some days when yes I really miss her.. I really wish that phone would ring and devon would ask me to come back... but lately.. I don't even know what I'd say anymore.
and no it isn't because I'm trying to get with Kacie.. as I'm sure she'll think that. I like Kacie as a friend. I don't know what will happen between us..but I seriously doubt it'd be anything more than friendship and I am perfectly fine with that. I'd love to have a friend like Kacie she's really nice, and not bitchy. and she's interesting.. I don't think that's sunk in yet. I'm single. I'm not trying to rush into another relationship. I'd love to date around and whatever. But if I never fuck around again, or see another naked body in my bed.. or take someone out for dinner or a movie.. I could careless. that's what friends are for. I just wish one of them would grow up a little so that maybe we could do that kinda shit.
stop thinking so close minded.
I work fast.. I've moved on. when your mind doesn't rest you over think and when you overthink what takes a regular person weeks to work out I do in a few nights.
I worry about her.. I care alot about her.. only now the love is different.. the past in locked away deep inside. She probably made one of the worst mistakes of her life... and one day she'll realize it, when I'm not there anymore.. and that day looks to be sooner than later.
I need to be in my old frame of mine for this job.. something I was good at. something I actually deep down inside.. I enjoyed it. I took pleasure in it. and I get to bring it back with more control and more power... and she has to be there to bring me down.. make me feel inadequate like I'll fail.. she always thinks I'll fail.. she's never had faith in me.. even when she was rooting for me in her mind she knew I'd fuck up... and I always felt that. and I always just gave up. but I can't afford uncertainty for this.. I need this.. this is something I've had missing for along time... the thing that escapes late at night and bends metal tubes into u shapes.. that flips cars... that climbs up buildings bare handed.. it's about time I let it out full force to play. it's about time I got to be me again.
I want my confidence back.. and with her around I always doubt myself.
I mean I moved on. I got the signs.. I listened and obeyed.. yet I still get phonecalls late at night to say goodnight to me and that lingering pause as if something more wants to be said but doesn't know how to say it... and the constant uncertainty and bullshit that goes with it..
I draw a get well card for someone who is really nice, someone who I hope to acquire a decent friendship, and actually have a another good female friend to whom I can confide in and maybe them to me as well. And suddenly I'm stooping to a new low? I'm so tired these days of having to put up with that childish crap.. I mean it wouldn't bother me if I was with her.. but she left me, she doesn't have feelings for me anymore.. gag considering the shit she tells me late at night when she wants me to hold her and rub her back til she falls asleep.. and all that other crap.
I'm sick of being the one who is mature.. who can actually follow through with shit and do what I'm told or what needs to be done.
I'm deeply considering whether having her as a friend is even worthwhile anymore since she just roller coasters up and down between being close and caring and hugging and kisses and talks about shit and then next minute is flop down into ziltch, nada and nothing..
I honestly don't know what to do with her anymore. I love devon dearly and she means the world to me.. but I don't know anymore. since I've had time to step away.. I've seen how fucked over I was. and how much she took advantage of me and how I always got the bum rap for shit and looked like the bad guy when she was always the villian.
I actually felt guilty sometimes and always contemplated whether I was good enough or not.. did things because she told me to, things I wouldn't have ever done had she not mentioned and talked about shit that made me question myself.
and still I get shit for that crap too.
But she is also my weakness... I am having second thoughts about the job I have to do soon... she's clouding my mind.. and I don't want that.
I want to do this, and I will succeed.. she's always questioned me and never believes in me.. she makes me fail because then I doubt myself because she doesn't believe in me either.
I'm too close to the edge of tomorrow... the window of opportunities.. and I have a set path.. I have supporters and financial backing to do some good in the world.. maybe even publish a children's book and still
there's a looming shadow in my path
I have fun with her.. but I'm tired of her indecisiveness.. her inability to take care of herself. The constant take care of me and make my decisions for me but then if it doesn't go my way I'll whine about it and be mean to everyone cuz it didn't make me happy.. crap.
I really am better off without her.things worked out for me until I met her.. for three years I've had to work with her.. be supportive when she fucked up or needed me.. and when I needed someone no one was there... not on her side at least... on things I needed some real support on.
and there's some days when yes I really miss her.. I really wish that phone would ring and devon would ask me to come back... but lately.. I don't even know what I'd say anymore.
and no it isn't because I'm trying to get with Kacie.. as I'm sure she'll think that. I like Kacie as a friend. I don't know what will happen between us..but I seriously doubt it'd be anything more than friendship and I am perfectly fine with that. I'd love to have a friend like Kacie she's really nice, and not bitchy. and she's interesting.. I don't think that's sunk in yet. I'm single. I'm not trying to rush into another relationship. I'd love to date around and whatever. But if I never fuck around again, or see another naked body in my bed.. or take someone out for dinner or a movie.. I could careless. that's what friends are for. I just wish one of them would grow up a little so that maybe we could do that kinda shit.
stop thinking so close minded.
I work fast.. I've moved on. when your mind doesn't rest you over think and when you overthink what takes a regular person weeks to work out I do in a few nights.
I worry about her.. I care alot about her.. only now the love is different.. the past in locked away deep inside. She probably made one of the worst mistakes of her life... and one day she'll realize it, when I'm not there anymore.. and that day looks to be sooner than later.
I need to be in my old frame of mine for this job.. something I was good at. something I actually deep down inside.. I enjoyed it. I took pleasure in it. and I get to bring it back with more control and more power... and she has to be there to bring me down.. make me feel inadequate like I'll fail.. she always thinks I'll fail.. she's never had faith in me.. even when she was rooting for me in her mind she knew I'd fuck up... and I always felt that. and I always just gave up. but I can't afford uncertainty for this.. I need this.. this is something I've had missing for along time... the thing that escapes late at night and bends metal tubes into u shapes.. that flips cars... that climbs up buildings bare handed.. it's about time I let it out full force to play. it's about time I got to be me again.
I want my confidence back.. and with her around I always doubt myself.