Cartoon Raccoon??
So, around 2AM this morning, Linda (my wonderifical new partner who deserves a flurry of posts dedicated to her, but I've been much too busy spending time with she and the rest of my nearly Brady Bunch family to write about it) wakes me up and says...
"Honey, the dogs are going completely crazy. Will you go see if you can do something with them."
With what I'm sure was an incomprehensible grumble, I manage to extricate myself from the sheets, stumble into my shoes, flip on the outside lights and lurch out into the yard.
As always, when the dogs see me, they stop barking and run from where they were throwing a fit. With a satisfied "Knock it off!!" I shuffle back inside to find something to drink.
Almost as anticipated, as soon as I get the jug of gatorade to my lips, the dogs start up again. Knowing that this pattern could go on all night, keep Linda up and wake up the boys, I find my way back to the door... but not before picking up the umbrella sitting by the door.
As a side note, if any neighbors were watching, I must have been a site! Sandals, boxers and an umbrella - I'm sure there are a million jokes in there somewhere!
After repeating the previous scene, I decide to wander to where the dogs were standing to see if I can figure out what they were barking at. Seeing nothing, I decided to relieve my "woken up in the middle of the night" bladder right there chuckling at the thought of the dogs standing in the residual puddle as soon as I wander back inside. As all men do, I looked around during the process and then I see what was driving the dogs nuts.
Right there, perched on the top of the 6' wood slat privacy fence is a raccoon... a full grown, 30ish pound raccoon, not 10 feet away watching me take a leak. Well, no wonder the dogs were barking!
I finished my personal business, walked a few steps closer to the masked menace and simply said...
"Get out of here!"
Not even a flinch. The damn 'coon was not only naughty, but arrogant! So I tried to shoo him by waving the umbrella at him... again, not even a flinch.
Now I'm thinking the thing must just be scared stiff, so I reach out and tap it with the umbrella expecting it to bolt.
Nope, it just looks at where I tapped it and looks back at me - seeming to say "c'mon, you've got to be able to do better than THAT!"
So this time I swatted, probably harder than I should have, at his hind quarters. His back feet fell off the perch, but he simply clawed his way right back to where he was! Un-Believable!
This time I reared back a bit, determined to knock him off if he wouldn't go himself, and whacked him. This time he hissed at me and fell about half way down the fence before catching himself and crawling back up toward the perch. Somehow, being prepared for such arrogant stupidity, I pushed him off before he got perched - to the sound of another hiss.
Hearing his little feet patter, I turned to go, but no sooner than I did, I heard his claws on the wooden fence again!
"This is NUTS!" I thought and I turned to find this backyard bully 2/3 up the fence staring at me through the slats!
Shaking my head, I reached out to poke the umbrella through the slat in the hopes of removing the mask, and with a little luck making the revealed bandit feel a little more vulnerable.
I guess my determination to not go back to bed until I had foiled the little robber's plan was finally clear, because he jumped off the fence and scampered away.
Now fully awake and filled with the adrenaline of victory, I strutted back to bed (after returning the umbrella and removing my shoes). As I climbed into bed, Linda groggily asked...
"What was it dear?"
To which I responded...
"Well, I'm not sure, but I think I was just filmed on candid camera for the season premier of Cartoon Raccoon.
"Honey, the dogs are going completely crazy. Will you go see if you can do something with them."
With what I'm sure was an incomprehensible grumble, I manage to extricate myself from the sheets, stumble into my shoes, flip on the outside lights and lurch out into the yard.
As always, when the dogs see me, they stop barking and run from where they were throwing a fit. With a satisfied "Knock it off!!" I shuffle back inside to find something to drink.
Almost as anticipated, as soon as I get the jug of gatorade to my lips, the dogs start up again. Knowing that this pattern could go on all night, keep Linda up and wake up the boys, I find my way back to the door... but not before picking up the umbrella sitting by the door.
As a side note, if any neighbors were watching, I must have been a site! Sandals, boxers and an umbrella - I'm sure there are a million jokes in there somewhere!
After repeating the previous scene, I decide to wander to where the dogs were standing to see if I can figure out what they were barking at. Seeing nothing, I decided to relieve my "woken up in the middle of the night" bladder right there chuckling at the thought of the dogs standing in the residual puddle as soon as I wander back inside. As all men do, I looked around during the process and then I see what was driving the dogs nuts.
Right there, perched on the top of the 6' wood slat privacy fence is a raccoon... a full grown, 30ish pound raccoon, not 10 feet away watching me take a leak. Well, no wonder the dogs were barking!
I finished my personal business, walked a few steps closer to the masked menace and simply said...
"Get out of here!"
Not even a flinch. The damn 'coon was not only naughty, but arrogant! So I tried to shoo him by waving the umbrella at him... again, not even a flinch.
Now I'm thinking the thing must just be scared stiff, so I reach out and tap it with the umbrella expecting it to bolt.
Nope, it just looks at where I tapped it and looks back at me - seeming to say "c'mon, you've got to be able to do better than THAT!"
So this time I swatted, probably harder than I should have, at his hind quarters. His back feet fell off the perch, but he simply clawed his way right back to where he was! Un-Believable!
This time I reared back a bit, determined to knock him off if he wouldn't go himself, and whacked him. This time he hissed at me and fell about half way down the fence before catching himself and crawling back up toward the perch. Somehow, being prepared for such arrogant stupidity, I pushed him off before he got perched - to the sound of another hiss.
Hearing his little feet patter, I turned to go, but no sooner than I did, I heard his claws on the wooden fence again!
"This is NUTS!" I thought and I turned to find this backyard bully 2/3 up the fence staring at me through the slats!
Shaking my head, I reached out to poke the umbrella through the slat in the hopes of removing the mask, and with a little luck making the revealed bandit feel a little more vulnerable.
I guess my determination to not go back to bed until I had foiled the little robber's plan was finally clear, because he jumped off the fence and scampered away.
Now fully awake and filled with the adrenaline of victory, I strutted back to bed (after returning the umbrella and removing my shoes). As I climbed into bed, Linda groggily asked...
"What was it dear?"
To which I responded...
"Well, I'm not sure, but I think I was just filmed on candid camera for the season premier of Cartoon Raccoon.