As simple as this
Getting so much questions from my journal readers about my motives became a custom: in the past week only I have been asked more than thrice about the reason why I had to come out to my family, shared my life details here on a blog where everyone can access and what exactly am I expecting both in the near and far future.
I kind of expected both the growing interest -now that I've added a link to my blog in my gay network's profile but it is the questions that I've never foreseen. You see, some how in the course of the last few years I have evolved so much that I no longer took notice of my society's limits especially after my family met my coming out news with open arms and warm smiles.
A very intelligent reader theorized that I must have been hurt so badly and deeply that I turned into a rebel and behaved in desperation when I decided to share my story here: I can't deny right now that I've had my suicidal moments in the past few years; any reader can detect that in previous articles where I had been so gloomy and aggressive and sometimes as malevolent as the phantom of the opera.
I do admit once more that fearing that I might end up like Eric pushed me to come out but it wasn't the only reason; another reason was that I was afraid I might get outed by whoever and end up facing a big problem with my family, I have seen with my own eyes how devastating it could be to face such destiny more than once.
I wanted to be the one to tell the closest people to my heart about my nature. yet that too, was never the leading reason why I did so.
I have always enjoyed a harmonious atmosphere in my family. my parents and brothers are my best friends and until the time I knew for sure that fancying having sex with other men means that you're gay and that this way of life -as natural and noble as it is - is condemned by our conservative society, I had never kept a secret from my family.
It's wrong to assume that I have decided to come out to my family this year or that I started to tell them few months ago; here is exactly where all assumptions about my behavior are mistaken. I first started coming out to my family seven years ago; the same day when I decided to stop fighting my nature and fight for it instead!!
Ever since I told myself for the first time, "It's ok Ramy, you're gay and that's not bad at all" I started planning a highly complicated plan on how to tell my family. I could see right then while walking under the burning sun between the green fields of the countryside; my mother hugging my husband in the day of my marriage and my sons playing with their cousins though I had no clue about surrogacy stuff so far.
I was eighteen and ready to get into university, my parents wanted me to study medicine badly and become the very first doctor in the family, a request that I was inclined to refuse since I had no interest in medicine. But in the course of our fierce negotiations, I have decided to grant them their wish if only they would grant me one thing instead: That they will never force me to get married.
Seven years have passed since then. Seven years of taking every possible change to educate my family about homosexuality starting by the meaning and the concept of the word, the way of life a gay person adopt, the reason why a person is gay from the start and even debating the fact that many Egyptians take for granted; that religion condemns it.
Not for once had I missed the chance to tell my family proudly that this actor is gay, this beautiful actress is a lesbian and in the same time a great mother and citizen and heard their different comments patiently while they were mocking or cursing.
Seven years of continuous working, of planning and making new strategies. Seven years of waiting on that thin red line waiting to cross to the other side and tell my family that all that time I wasn't talking about others much or less about their own beloved Ramy.
I worked so hard and waited so patiently that my brothers started joking me about being gay 2 full years before I told them the final truth. My brother even used to call me whenever homosexuality was brought to talk in a movie that he's watching saying, "Hey Ramy, come and see this. I know you'll like it!'
So, no, no man hurt me so deeply and sent me in desperation. No man swayed me, turned me head over ears or broke my heart and sent me crying back to my mother. Yes, my heart beat once for a man and my universe was centered around him. Yes, he didn't have the same feeling as I did but I haven't done it for him.
If pain had any role in my coming out process, it would have been speeding the process a little bit. If you want an evidence, ask the hundreds of thousands of gay men in the closet who are broken hearted, dealing with their pain in silence and still are keeping their secret well kept.
By the way, I have decided that it was the right time to tell my mother about my sexuality when we were watching an episode of season three of "Grey's Anatomy." I had retailed to her the reason why Isiah Washington was fired of the show for calling T.R. Knight a fag*** -and George O'malley is mom's favorite Grey's Anatomy character- So I had to tell her in the course of the story that T.R. Knight is gay and she didn't even look at me and kept watching the episode. so I raised my voice and repeated the fact once more. this time she said, "Ok, thanks I now know he's gay. Shut up and let me see the rest of the episode!"
I was already in the process of coming out six years before falling in love for the first time. Now, my first love is just a beautiful memory that never fails to bring a smile on my face and sometimes even giggles! -damn boy what was so special about him!- Now that one year has passed and I am an "out loud and proud" man enjoying the outcome of my hard work and the extreme warmheartedness of the beautiful people I am proud to call my family.
As for the future: yes, I am expecting to get married to the man of my dreams. And yes, my whole family will be there in my wedding, in my baby's Soboua* and in their marriages as well.
Do I want to change to Egypt or the universe by my story? I don't think I would. I only wanted to live my happy fairy story. I pray the millions of fellow gay brothers living under the rule of conservatism to find their happy ending as well. As for changing the universe: Nay, I have grown up to accept things that I can't change. but if my story would be a small step in the million miles walk, then I gladly submit it.
To my beloved family and devoted readers :)
___________________________________
* Soboua: is a traditional feast in Egypt and the Middle East, to celebrate the baby's first complete week after birth. Our ancestors believed that surviving the first week on earth means that the child is capable of surviving a whole life time.
I kind of expected both the growing interest -now that I've added a link to my blog in my gay network's profile but it is the questions that I've never foreseen. You see, some how in the course of the last few years I have evolved so much that I no longer took notice of my society's limits especially after my family met my coming out news with open arms and warm smiles.
A very intelligent reader theorized that I must have been hurt so badly and deeply that I turned into a rebel and behaved in desperation when I decided to share my story here: I can't deny right now that I've had my suicidal moments in the past few years; any reader can detect that in previous articles where I had been so gloomy and aggressive and sometimes as malevolent as the phantom of the opera.
I do admit once more that fearing that I might end up like Eric pushed me to come out but it wasn't the only reason; another reason was that I was afraid I might get outed by whoever and end up facing a big problem with my family, I have seen with my own eyes how devastating it could be to face such destiny more than once.
I wanted to be the one to tell the closest people to my heart about my nature. yet that too, was never the leading reason why I did so.
I have always enjoyed a harmonious atmosphere in my family. my parents and brothers are my best friends and until the time I knew for sure that fancying having sex with other men means that you're gay and that this way of life -as natural and noble as it is - is condemned by our conservative society, I had never kept a secret from my family.
It's wrong to assume that I have decided to come out to my family this year or that I started to tell them few months ago; here is exactly where all assumptions about my behavior are mistaken. I first started coming out to my family seven years ago; the same day when I decided to stop fighting my nature and fight for it instead!!
Ever since I told myself for the first time, "It's ok Ramy, you're gay and that's not bad at all" I started planning a highly complicated plan on how to tell my family. I could see right then while walking under the burning sun between the green fields of the countryside; my mother hugging my husband in the day of my marriage and my sons playing with their cousins though I had no clue about surrogacy stuff so far.
I was eighteen and ready to get into university, my parents wanted me to study medicine badly and become the very first doctor in the family, a request that I was inclined to refuse since I had no interest in medicine. But in the course of our fierce negotiations, I have decided to grant them their wish if only they would grant me one thing instead: That they will never force me to get married.
Seven years have passed since then. Seven years of taking every possible change to educate my family about homosexuality starting by the meaning and the concept of the word, the way of life a gay person adopt, the reason why a person is gay from the start and even debating the fact that many Egyptians take for granted; that religion condemns it.
Not for once had I missed the chance to tell my family proudly that this actor is gay, this beautiful actress is a lesbian and in the same time a great mother and citizen and heard their different comments patiently while they were mocking or cursing.
Seven years of continuous working, of planning and making new strategies. Seven years of waiting on that thin red line waiting to cross to the other side and tell my family that all that time I wasn't talking about others much or less about their own beloved Ramy.
I worked so hard and waited so patiently that my brothers started joking me about being gay 2 full years before I told them the final truth. My brother even used to call me whenever homosexuality was brought to talk in a movie that he's watching saying, "Hey Ramy, come and see this. I know you'll like it!'
So, no, no man hurt me so deeply and sent me in desperation. No man swayed me, turned me head over ears or broke my heart and sent me crying back to my mother. Yes, my heart beat once for a man and my universe was centered around him. Yes, he didn't have the same feeling as I did but I haven't done it for him.
If pain had any role in my coming out process, it would have been speeding the process a little bit. If you want an evidence, ask the hundreds of thousands of gay men in the closet who are broken hearted, dealing with their pain in silence and still are keeping their secret well kept.
By the way, I have decided that it was the right time to tell my mother about my sexuality when we were watching an episode of season three of "Grey's Anatomy." I had retailed to her the reason why Isiah Washington was fired of the show for calling T.R. Knight a fag*** -and George O'malley is mom's favorite Grey's Anatomy character- So I had to tell her in the course of the story that T.R. Knight is gay and she didn't even look at me and kept watching the episode. so I raised my voice and repeated the fact once more. this time she said, "Ok, thanks I now know he's gay. Shut up and let me see the rest of the episode!"
I was already in the process of coming out six years before falling in love for the first time. Now, my first love is just a beautiful memory that never fails to bring a smile on my face and sometimes even giggles! -damn boy what was so special about him!- Now that one year has passed and I am an "out loud and proud" man enjoying the outcome of my hard work and the extreme warmheartedness of the beautiful people I am proud to call my family.
As for the future: yes, I am expecting to get married to the man of my dreams. And yes, my whole family will be there in my wedding, in my baby's Soboua* and in their marriages as well.
Do I want to change to Egypt or the universe by my story? I don't think I would. I only wanted to live my happy fairy story. I pray the millions of fellow gay brothers living under the rule of conservatism to find their happy ending as well. As for changing the universe: Nay, I have grown up to accept things that I can't change. but if my story would be a small step in the million miles walk, then I gladly submit it.
To my beloved family and devoted readers :)
___________________________________
* Soboua: is a traditional feast in Egypt and the Middle East, to celebrate the baby's first complete week after birth. Our ancestors believed that surviving the first week on earth means that the child is capable of surviving a whole life time.